Let’s see if I can remember how this goes, because it’s been a while…one Flexoril per two shots of vodka, Vioxx can be substituted for an olive or cocktail onion in a dry martini, Prevacid with white wine, Paxil with red…oh, yeah, I’m going to be having a REALLY fun weekend!
Yes, my new doctor gives out meds like candy, and I’m a happy camper. I was one Vicodin scrip away from a Royal Flush, but she has this stupid policy about not giving out addictive painkillers without you being in mind-numbing pain. Well, hell, I am in mind-numbing pain. Hogan’s the goddamn champion. That alone should get me a free pass into Brett Favre’s secret stash. Of course, who knows how much I’ll care by next week. I’ll be well into the habituation doses of Paxil by that point, and that stuff mellows me. How much? My little pink happy pills were the only thing stopping me cutting a heel promo at my father’s funeral, which the old bastard deserved. I do know from experience, though, that Paxil will not mellow me toward Flex. There isn’t enough inventory in GlaxoWellcome’s warehouses to do that.
So, before these puppies start to kick in, let’s get some venom out…
YOU’RE A MORON: DISREGARDING INSTRUCTIONS
Now what did I say yesterday about the “good for business” line viz. Hogan? Let me quote myself to remind all of you:
Drug impairment is just about the only excuse I can think of for this lack of judgement on their part. It’s yet another “good for the business in the short term” decision by the WWF. Yes, strike while the audience hasn’t become sick of the Goblin; it’ll bring in money. I am sick and f*cking tired of companies taking that attitude and using that as an excuse, and I’m sick and f*cking tired of writers (both columnists and e-mailers) buying into that line.
So what does Ryan LaRoche go and do? He buys into it and uses it as an excuse:
Hogan as champ is good for business right now and also good for future business. I’m not a huge Hogan fan, but I understand Hogan brings in fans. The buyrate for Wrestlemania was huge, and I doubt it had anything to do with the “great” build-up for the Main Event (Jericho/Triple H). And if Hogan is bringing in all these fans, that means the young undercard guys are getting more exposure. Plus as champ, Hogan can bring fans to both shows, and not just Smackdown. Then when Hogan finally retires (and he will eventually) and the WWF pushes the undercard guys (assuming they ever do), the fans won’t be wondering who these guys are. They’ll already know from watching RAW and Smackdown to see Hogan. Don’t get me wrong, I wish Jericho were still champ, but I can see why they would give Hogan the belt. Use him up before the fans turn on him like they have in the past. An un-over Hogan is no good to anyone, but an over Hogan can bring in tons of money. As long as the ego is in check, I think this will work.
Apparently, Ryan, you missed the WHOLE GODDAMN POINT of my essay yesterday. Just go back into your pasture and start grazing, and we’ll de-wool you later.
Let me go through this again, just for your benefit:
The end does not always justify the means, especially when you’re dealing with Hogan.
“Good for business” is not always a good thing in the larger picture (something I went over in great detail yesterday).
Hogan brings in fans, but they’re not the fans the WWF should want. Hogan brings in the short-term fans, the same ones that artificially popped the ratings on a number of occasions last year (Flex’s return, Flair’s return, etc.). You’ve heard me discuss this ad nauseam in the past whenever I talk about ratings. And guess what? No ratings increase from Hogan holding the belt; they got another 4.8 on Raw this week.
Which undercard guys are you expecting to get more exposure? Raw and Smackdown start at the midcard. We know these guys already. Hell, we know the guys on Jakked/Metal/Heat already too; we’ve been watching most of them in WCW and ECW for years. How many homegrown guys has the WWF brought up to the Big Two shows since Kurt Angle? The only ones that come to mind are Brock Lesnar (Heyman’s attempt to do Rhyno II: Electric Boogaloo), Rico Constantino (currently manager of the Gay Boys), and Maven (and he really doesn’t count). None of them need Hogan for exposure; they’d be getting it no matter who holds the strap. “Hogan should be champion so we’ll all know who Randy Orton is when he retires”, my ass (strangely enough, I wrote that before the SD results were up, and here’s Randy on SD this week). We’d know regardless if the WWF wants us to know.
There’s no compelling reason to give Hogan the strap except for yet another short-term pop in ratings and increase in revenue. There’s nothing there that gives the WWF what it desperately needs: new fans who will stay with the product because they’re producing compelling viewing. In other words, the same old trick’s being played, and you’re an idiot for falling for it.
One more letter in this vein. Remember this little quote from last Tuesday?
By the way, for you newbies, this is not the first time I’ve compared Flex to Stalin, and probably won’t be the last, so don’t start writing in with sputtering denunciations and claims about mass murder, etc. They will be ignored, or printed tomorrow in You’re a Moron.
Well, along comes Styles (presumably not Joey), and he really should have known the job was dangerous when he took it:
Hey Eric, I’ve been reading your ‘opinions’ about wrestling for over a year now and this Rock/Stalin thing is plain sad. Are you really that insecure that you will go that far out of your way to try and hurt the Rock? I mean, Stalin killed the most people in the HISTORY of earth! Hitler only wished he could of killed so many people. Any self rightous Ukranian would kick your ass. (for those who dont know: Stalin killed/starved/sent to Siberia to disappear/massacred and tried to eliminate all Ukranians from Europe) Think about some things before you go off on a tandem. We know you hate the Rock/Flex or whatever you want to call Mr. Johnson. But if you’re gonna trash him, at least give us some sort of credible reason. If you’re just trying to tell us that Rock=Stalin, then you gotta see a shrink buddy. I dont know of any but im sure one of your readers would be happy to help.
Okay, just for this idiot:
The comparisons between Flex and Stalin are, were, and have always been about the subject of the Cult of Personality. Look it up. The Feuchtwanger quote that I used last week clearly deals with that subject.
Stalin did not attempt to deport, massacre, or eliminate Ukranians in toto (which is more than can be said for certain ethnic groups, which were subject to mass deportations which led to incredible death totals). His people did put down Ukranian nationalist movements with extreme prejudice (like the Petlyurists). Ukraine was one of the hardest-hit areas by the famines of the 1920s and 1930s, but that’s because those famines were caused by collectivization, and Ukraine was and still is heavily agricultural; it wasn’t systematic genocide like you claim. Don’t bullshit me or my audience about this, Seymour. They know that I get my facts straight.
By “tandem”, I presume you mean “tangent”. And it’s “could have”, not “could of”. I hate sloppy English, and it really doesn’t help you make your case when you can’t use the language properly.
I did give credible reasons, in Letawsky’s column last month.
I don’t need to see a shrink. I’ve got my pink happy pills now. Too bad there isn’t a pill you can take that could cure you of being a complete schwantz.
And speaking of complete schwantzes, it’s time to discuss Two Hours With Vince…
SMACKDOWN MUSINGS
Looks like another pretty damn good episode of Jakked/Metal. SD not only got the top-heavy SE upper-card, but they got the far better undercard as well.
Gues that, no matter who holds the Undisputed Title, it’s still all about Vince. Maybe a Trip/Jericho match is worth an opening Hogan/Vince promo, but there’s still that spectre of WM hanging over it.
The homoerotic stuff with the Gay Boys is really starting to get overboard when you begin involving Tajiri in it. I mean, I always thought Wilson was a fag hag, but still…
God bless Bob Holly for putting Randy Orton over. We need more of that these days.
Okay, I do miss Angle, Edge, and their promos against each other. This T-shirt one looks like it’s worth watching the show to see.
I’m not sure exactly what they’re doing with Christian’s negative push. I thought that ended with the Page blowoff, but it’s back on, and he’s now playing Mark Henry’s bitch. There had better be a strong payoff at IC level for Christian and soon, otherwise you’ll never get the fans back to his side.
D-Von’s starting to remind me about some of the Christian Brothers who ran the high school I went to. These guys would have been doing life in a federal pen if they didn’t take holy orders. The whole “thou shalt not steal” incident makes me believe that they would have handled the situation identically to D-Von.
AND WHAT THE HELL IS THE UNDERTWEENER DOING ON SMACKDOWN!? Okay, whoever had “one month” in the poll for “When will the two merge again?” gets to collect.
That’s enough of that. Ashish will keep you caught up with everything else, and read everything on the front page while you’re there. Until next week, I’m gone.
About Eric Szulczewski
