The Coliseum Video Rant III

The Revenge of Hyperfighting Netcop Coliseum Video Fighting Action Rant

III: Hyperfighting Action, Fight Fight Fight!

Only a 3-in-1 rant today, because this was to entail Best of WWF #2,3,4

and 5, but I did the first three and then realized I already have #5

buried somewhere else in my tape collection and I didn’t feel like

watching it again.

So it’s the Best of the WWF #2, 3 and 4!

Best of the WWF, #2.

– Opening match, WWF tag titles: Tony Atlas & Rocky Johnson v. Adrian

Adonis & Dick Murdoch. Rocky is, of course, the proud papa of the

current People’s Champion. Remember when Adonis used to be a tough guy?

Johnson does all the goofy babyface stuff that Maivia tried and failed to

use as a babyface. The heels beat on Atlas for a few minutes until

Rocky cleans house, but gets rolled up in a melee by Adonis for a three

count. New champions. This was major, Nitro level shock booking in

it’s time. 1 for 1.

– Intercontinental title match: Pedro Morales v. Magnificent Muraco.

Pedro was I-C champ, but was pretty much past his prime. Morales just

beats the hell out of Muraco until a well-placed low blow turns the

tide. Morales retuns the favor. What is this, a Kevin Sullivan match?

Pedro bungs up his knee on a charge to the corner. Idiotic move as he

gives Muraco a backbreaker on his own bad knee. He tries a slam but the

knee caves and Muraco regains the title. Two title changes to start,

not bad. 2 for 2.

– Pedro Morales v. Killer Kowalski. More old-school stuff, with a

capital O. Kowalski is the guy who trained both HHH and Chyna. This is

mainly Killer working on Pedro’s leg and stomach with the claw. I still

don’t get what was so great about Pedro. Things get a wee bit out of

control and the ref calls a no-contest. Bleh. 2 for 3.

– MIDGET MADNESS!! Hey, I don’t write these titles, the WWF does.

Jamaica Kid & Billy The Kid v. Sky Lowlow & Little Brutus. It’s a damn

midget match, close your eyes and pick any four midgets and it’s the

same damn match. 2 for 4.

– MIDGET DEMENTIA!! Okay, I wrote that one. Sky Lowlow & Little Brutus

v. Joey Russel & Sunny Boy Hayes. When you’re watching midget jobbers,

it’s time to fast forward. 2 for 5.

– Chief Jay Strongbow v. Professor Toru Tanaka. Clash of the racial

stereotypes, yikes. How did fat-ass Strongbow ever get over or pushed?

I’ll never forgive the WWF for making me sit through, like, 4 matches

featuring the flabby indians on the tag title video. Strongbow with the

devastating big chop. Sigh. 2 for 6.

– Mean Gene sings “Tutti Frutti” with Hulk on bass. This was from the

original Wrestling Album, and I GUARANTEE you that this goes on Netcop

Busts Vol. II.

– Intercontintal title: Tito Santana v. Paul Orndorff. People were

actually doing the Paula chant in 84, cool. Gorilla hypes this as a

classic, but it’s a classic in the same sense as most Nitros are the

greatest in the history of our sport. 4 minutes of stalling and a

5-minute armbar to start. Must be a draw. Orndorff spends way too much

time standing around in between spots. Good hot ending saves it as they

trade near falls with a slow referee, and sure enough Orndorff gets one

last two count before the time runs out. It was decent enough. 3 for

7.

– A quick collection of “surprise endings.” Included are Rocky Johnson

getting DQ’d against Don Muraco for popping the referee, Freddie Blassie

getting caught in the ropes and counted out against Bobo Brazil, Andre

getting pissed at a masked jobber and unmasking him, and Tony Garea/Rick

Martel going over the Moondogs when special ref Gorilla Monsoon takes

out a Moondog.

– WWF tag title match: Tony Garea & Rick Martel v. Mr. Fuji & Mr.

Saito. Good match in a bad period for the WWF. Very back and forth and

quick pace, until Martel comes off the top rope and Fuji tosses salt in

his face mid-air, rolling through the bodypress attempt to win the tag

titles. 4 for 8.

Bottom Line #1: Hey, if you like old school, this is it.

Post-Sammartino (76ish) to Pre-Hogan (83ish) was the WWF equivalent to

WCW’s 1991-1996 era, but Garea and Martel were terrific.

The Best of the WWF, #3.

– Opening match: Rowdy Roddy Piper v. Jimmy Snuka. This is a strap

match. A really thin strap that looks like it hurts. The usual good

match between these two, it looks like the dark match for an old

Superstars taping. Snuka actually dominates and wins with a flying

bodypress. 1 for 1.

– Ricky Steamboat v. Bob Orton. I covered this one in my “High Flyers”

review. Basically, it’s really good and Dragon wins by DQ. 2 for 2.

– The British Bulldogs v. Rene Goulet & Johnny Rodz. Total squash, and

the Bulldogs just look AWESOME and draw a standing ovation from the

crowd. That never happens anymore, thanks to overexposure and

repetition. The Bulldogs were truly something *different*, and the fans

could appreciate that. Davey Boy powerslams Rodz, and Goulet runs in,

but Davey Boy catches him in a fireman’s carry, then Dynamite goes to

the top, climbs on the back of Goulet (who is on Smith’s shoulders) and

dives off with a headbutt onto Rodz. Now that is some f*cking

incredible spot-making. 3 for 3.

– The British Bulldogs v. The Hart Foundation. More spunky goodness

from the Bulldogs. Bret Hart looked so pudgy and innocuous as a greasy

heel here. These teams had a such a great groove from 1985-1988. No

one is really in control, and they’re trading double-teams when the bell

rings for curfew. Damn, I would have liked to see the ending. 4 for 4.

– Someone e-mailed me recently about including the George Steele shock

therapy spot on another volume of the Netcop Busts, but I didn’t have a

copy. Until now.

– From TNT: Lou Albano takes George “The Animal” Steele for psychiatric

treatment, beginning with hypnosis. That doesn’t work, so they decide

to try shock treatments. No, really, Vince used to *pay* people to

think this stuff up. A few thousand volts (give or take) and he’s able

to recite “How now brown cow?” in an educated voice. Alas, more voltage

reverses the effects. I hope if Eric is indeed shooting for his own

talk show, I pray someone will send Turner execs a copy of “The Best of

Tuesday Night Titans” so they can see what the WWF did with theirs and

NOT do the same…

– George Steele, Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo v. John Studd, Adrian

Adonis & Bobby Heenan. A nothing match. Steele chases Heenan around a

lot until finally tossing a chair in the ring for the DQ. Not much good

happened in between. 4 for 5.

– David Sammartino v. Brutus Beefcake. From the first Wrestlemania.

David is an untalented sack of shit, so the match is booked to be about

30 seconds long before Daddy Sammartino and Johnny V run in and start a

big brawl. 4 for 6.

– Bruno & David Sammartino v. Brutus Beefcake & Johnny V. Here’s the

match: Bruno comes in and does a spot to Beefcake to the delight of the

MSG crowd, then David comes in and repeats the same spot, just like his

father, except worse. Repeat for ten minutes, then David gets a cradle

on Johnny V out of nowhere for the pin. 4 for 7. I’m very relieved we

never, ever saw David again after 1985.

– King Kong Bundy models potential wigs on TNT.

– King Kong Bundy v. Tony Garea. Why did they give this 10 minutes?

Incredibly boring, as Bundy finally hits the Avalanche for the pin. 4

for 8.

– 18 man battle royale. Hulk and Andre are both in it. Jobber Bob

Boyer gets crushed in an attempted pile-on on Andre. The ending is an

exact repeat (preview?) of Royal Rumble 1992, with Hulk playing Hulk,

Andre playing Sid, and John Studd playing Ric Flair. Studd dumps both

guys and wins the thing, and Hulk throws a hissy fit. 4 for 9.

The Bottom Line: Starts really good, goes downhill very fast. Take a

pass on this one.

Best of the WWF #4.

– Opening match: Rowdy Roddy Piper v. Paul Orndorff. This is the

result of Orndorff blowing the match at Wrestlemania and Piper blaming

him. Super hot crowd, and Orndorff looks great. Piper is a genius at

always working the eye poke in somewhere. Orndorff is just beating the

snot out of Piper when Piper’s boy-toy Bob Orton runs in and causes the

DQ. The heels destroy Orndorff (with the crowd screaming for Hogan) but

Hogan’s not there so the Bulldogs make the save. 1 for 1.

– Hulk Hogan & Jimmy Snuka v. Orton & Muraco. When Hogan dogs it, then

it gets really bad. Hogan is indestructable for a few minutes, before

(I swear) a single knee to the gut suddenly has Hogan writhing in pain

and agony on the mat. Ugh. Snuka gets tagged in and gets tagged in the

other sense, with Orton’s ever-present cast. He must have hit an artery

or something on his forehead, because Orton’s cast is covered in Snuka’s

blood after one shot. Hogan eventually tags back in, and a big brawl

erupts and the heels get DQ’d. 1 for 2.

– 20 man battle royale. You may have heard of this one, it’s a pretty

famous ending. Basically a parade of jobbers. A more impressive parade

you’ll never see, however — SD Jones, Jose Estrada, Johnny Rodz, Tiger

Chung Lee, Swede Hanson, they’re all here. Greg Valentine blades for no

readily apparent reason. Adrian Adonis and Tony Atlas eventually start

tossing jobbers until it’s just them, SD Jones and Greg Valentine. Atlas

and Jones form a coalition and eventually toss the heels. So what do we

do now? Flip a coin, of course. Atlas calls heads and wins the battle

royale. 1 for 3.

– Special segment with clips of wrestlers’ specialties. If you don’t

blink, you’ll catch a young, blond, Stan Hansen taking out Bruno and a

younger, mop-topped Larry Zbyszko taking on Bruno. I’ll give that alone

a point. 2 for 4.

– Stretcher match: Andre the Giant v. Killer Khan. Another famous

match that isn’t all that good. Khan broke Andre’s ankle a couple of

months previous and the big guy is kinda pissed. Khan gets his token

offense in, then the Giant completely obliterates him, with something

like 10 buttdrops and a big splash before finally the ref calls for the

stretcher to end the match. 2 for 5.

– Steel cage: Andre the Giant v. John Studd. Clipped. Andre slams

Studd and then does a buttdrop off the top rope! This was a 500 pound

guy we’re talking about here. Andre wins, of course. 3 for 6 for the

buttdrop alone.

– Andre the Giant v. King Kong Bundy. This was dubbed the “Colossal

Jossle” by someone with more drug problems than I. Long, boring match.

Studd runs in at some predetermined but still nonsensicle point to draw

the DQ. 3 for 7.

– Greg Valentine & Brutus Beefcake v. Ricky Steamboat & Tito Santana. I

always thought that Santana and Steamboat would have made a perfect

team, and this bears me out. Beefcake sucks as always. Santana &

Valentine had the issue over the I-C title at this point. A few hot

tags, with Santana evenutally becoming the House O’ Fire and hitting the

Flying Jalapeno on Valentine. Beefcake makes the save and tosses

Steamboat, but the referee escorts him out. Valentine was holding

Santana from behind in a waistlock, waiting for Beefcake, and Santana

hooks a leg, takes him down, and slaps on the figure-four in one motion.

Now that was nifty. Valentine submits. 4 for 8.

The Bottom Line: This was pretty okay. The ending tag match was great,

everything else was pretty much hit-or-miss.