Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc. 5.29.02

Hey, it may only be one ladder match, but it’s a step in the right direction, no? – Kurt Dieckmann, he of the beautiful no-longer-pregnant wife and cute-as-a-button baby daughter

I make the bad puns around here, boyo.

AN OPENING MESSAGE

I don’t know how many of you people out there don’t know how to use anti-virus programs, but I’m getting at least fifteen Klez-H-infected mails a day.  I don’t want my mailbox to be clogged from Klez-H infected idiots (as it was when I got home from work yesterday), so put a johnny on your computing habits and run an AV scanner, now.  That includes you, Mister Scott Keith, because I just saw you show up with an infected mail on my pre-scanner, which I killed before it could get to me.

THE PIMP SECTION

ColeTimes Two.

Nason has the indy stuff we all know him and love him for.

Damn, forgot to pimp Benovitz yesterday.  He gets mad when I do stuff like that, so mea culpa and a request for forgiveness.

And, of course, the special I Was There feature from The Virus-Infected One.

ADDENDUM FROM YESTERDAY

For the newbie readers who aren’t as ingrained in my cartoon smarkness as the older crowd, BFM recommended that I should tell everyone what June Bugs is.  What June Bugs is is Cartoon Network’s annual weekend of all Bugs Bunny cartoons (usually held on the first weekend of June).  All day Saturday and all day Sunday, nothing but Bugs LUV.  This year, they’re going to be running the cartoons in alphabetical order.  Last year, CN, still under Bouncing Betty Cohen instead of Brad “I Nailed WCW’s Coffin Shut” Siegel, caused a bit of controversy when they said, and I quote, “every Bugs cartoon ever made will be shown” (in chronological order).  This made us cartoon smarks ask, “Really?  Even the ones with racist caricatures?  Even the one that’s one of the Censored Eleven?*”  Apparently someone at Corporate thought about that as well, and pressure was brought to bear from Gerry Levin’s office to make CN back off from its statement.  They ended up nuking thirteen cartoons from the run and giving me one helluvan article for a late website I used to write for.  Fortunately, Siegel learned from his predecessor’s mistake, and they’re not saying it’ll be a complete run.  So for those of you who want to see Bugs Bunny Nips the Nips, sorry.

* – The Censored Eleven:  Eleven Warner Brothers cartoons that were removed from circulation in 1968 due to protests from African-Americans about racial caricatures and stereotypes.  They are prevented from being shown on TV or included on any type of official video release.  You can get almost all of them from unofficial sources like Facets Multimedia here in Chicago.  For more about the Censored Eleven, go to Jon Cooke’s page on the subject.

REMEMBER WHEN ‘ROIDS IN BASEBALL MEANT GEORGE BRETT AND PREPARATION H?

So Ken Caminiti came out and admitted that his MVP season in 1996 was chemically-fueled.  As if the Cro-Magnon throwback looks didn’t clue people in already.  You know, all of a sudden, Jose Canseco is sounding a little less like a bitchy crank.  He’s still a bitchy crank, but a little less of one.  Of course, there are worse drug problems in sports than someone gaining a performance boost and trading off liver damage and possible death (Lyle Alzado is the perpetual Marley’s Ghost in that area).  Care to look at the World Cup?  Senor Blow, Diego Maradona (who also pissed positive for ephedrine during his career), was denied a visa to Japan for the games there, but Korea said “Sure!  Come on in!”.  Oh, yeah, he’s a role model.

How long before WWE uses its sponsorship connection with a certain dietary supplement to brag “Stacker 2:  Banned by the NFL!”?

And speaking of banned substances, let’s talk Smack.  And Down as well.

SMACKDOWN SUMMARY AND SMARTASS COMMENTS

The reason Ashish didn’t jump on it right away is that SD was in the Western portion of the continent (the certain hometown of a certain very bitter former wrestler, to be exact), and the guy has to sleep sometime.  So I’ll give him the honor of posting the summary.  Meanwhile, I went over to Rajah to get the results and have some commentary on the events, without blowing too much of the plot…

Oy, another Rikishi/Rico and Gay Boys match.  Is this what the great tag scene of 1999 has boiled down to?

I’m sorta not happy that Maven is Tajiri’s bitch, but I’m also happy that at least someone is Tajiri’s bitch.  Well, other than Helms, who’s everyone’s bitch.

Okay, so finally Dawn Marie shows up.  Heyman’s going to be writing Smackdown.  Could we now do one of those much-mooted trades that they were talking about when the Split happened so that Credible can get on SD and we can get that Impact Players reunion?  It’d save us from those weekly Rikishi/Rico and Gay Boys matches.  May I suggest Credible for all the good cruisers as the trade (including Rey-Rey when he shows up next week)?  Why not?  Heyman’s done some stupid things with Credible in the past, like giving him a world title, so trading him for all the good cruisers might sound like a great idea to him.

What worries me is what’s next.  Who will UT feud with?  If they stick to the pattern (and I know that two data points is not enough to make a pattern), they’re swapping shows with each new PPV challenger for the title, and now it’s SD’s turn again.  Trip’s the top face over there.  Will he get the shot at KOTR?  If so, then what’s the purpose of a Trip to Hogan to Tweener to Trip transition?  Ratings hot-shotting?  Trying to shore up Trip’s failed face turn?  The Return of the Bitch of the Baskervilles?  Everyone’s so thrilled with getting the belt off the Goblin that they’re not looking ahead, as usual. – Me, a mere eight days ago

Sometimes I hate it when I’m right.

Edge/Angle in a cage?  Okay, this might be worth taping and seeing later, especially since Hogan saved his appearance for post-match and let the boys rock the house.

AND IN OTHER WRESTLING NEWS…

The Observer’s reporting that Dan Severn was stripped of the NWA title in order to clear the decks for the Jarretts to crown their own guy on the June 19th PPV in the main event.  The excuse being used is that Severn is already booked for a show that night and can’t participate in the PPV in order to drop the title properly.  Interestingly enough, it was Bob Ryder himself who made the call to Severn sometime in the past week, and it was the first contact that Severn had with the NWA’s new core promotion.  Now all speculation focuses on who they’re going to give the title to.  If it’s Jeff Jarrett, you know this sucker’s going to be having big problems from the start, but I think Jeff and Jerry are smart enough not to do that.

Milord’s reporting that Tommy Dreamer’s spit and chaw consumption was legit.  He says that Dreamer likes doing things like that.  Look, if he could swallow all the bullshit that Heyman served up for him all these years, chewing tobacco must seem like nothing.

AND A LITTLE MAIL IN THE SHORT TIME I HAVE REMAINING BEFORE I HAVE TO GET TO WORK

Man, I’m telling you, these goddamn pills…when I get to sleep, I stay asleep.  I wake up a lot easier than I did while not on them, but they knock me out (that and the stress of going through a Phase One phone interview for a position of greater responsibility and much greater pay only a couple hours away; in case you’re wondering, yes, they want me to come in for the full gang-bang, ASAP).  So some quickies.

The Priz is back!  And he’s positing an all-Canadian Horsemen lineup of Benoit, Test, Storm, and Jericho.  I love the line-up, but I fear at the possibility that they might have to also call themselves Chevaliers in order to be on the right side of the linguistics laws up there.  He’s also pretty much pointing out the obvious that Booker will be turning face courtesy of the NWO, and gets another “agreed” from me that Lesnar’s credibility-establishing bitch should be Bradshaw (although I’ll also side with BFM, who says it should be Regal; my only problem with that is that although we know better, the WWE audience doesn’t see Regal as a tough guy, but as an effete snob like Trip circa 1996).  Great to hear from you, man.

Memo to NinpuchuJubei, or Phil as the case may be:  You’re right, having Ryan Shamrock doesn’t really balance out the Triple-Bag factor of having Francine and Electra.  And return memo to EXtrmNC17:  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and most people are beheld to think of Francine as the Shar-Pei in the stable of greyhounds.  Yes, Trish is a little plastic for my taste, but she’s still more aesthetically-pleasing in general.

It’s no surprise that my favorite obscurantist, Sylvain Parent, says that I misinterpreted his last letter to me last week (let’s face it, Syl, you do leave yourself open to different interpretations of what you say), but I think both of our interpretations are valid.  The WWF is undergoing an alpha male struggle right now, but Trip’s actions are Darwinian, if you define “fitness” as being able to take advantage of your territory.  Seeking and finding the protection of those stronger does increase the possibility of survival.  I love your theory that Trip begged for the NWO to come in in order to lessen the heat around him, though.  I find that perfectly valid and completely in character.

Okay, everyone on three:  “I’m going to be late for work again”, so I’ll clear the decks for Grut right now.  Everyone have a great weekend, and I’ll be back next Tuesday morning.