Can I just tell you all about a group of people who need to be shot? Bikers. Not bikers like Harley guys they’re just fine because, if I say they’re not, they’d kick my ass. I mean like 10-speed/mountain bikers who ride around on major roads in full spandex mountain bike shorts, helmets, and Oakleys. C’mon if you’re going to exercise, is all that stuff really necessary? Do they realize how foolish the spandex looks on them? Can’t one just throw on a T-shirt, shorts, a backward hat and just ride a friggin bike? See, the problem is, only people my age know about the secret about helmets. Only folks about 20 – 30 realize the truth.
BIKE HELMETS ARE FREAKIN STUPID!!!
Little kids have had to wear them forever, and adults don’t know because they never were made fun of for wearing them when they were a little kid. So they wear them unashamedly.
Ah Bike Helmet laws in NY State brought to you by the same idiots who raised cigarettes to five bucks a pack, and then celebrate when cigarette sales are down in NY, but up in surrounding states and reservations.
Saw Niagara Falls from the American side for the first time this week. Didn’t go to the Canadian side because, apparently they need two forms of ID, a blood sample, your mother’s maiden name, right’s to your first-born son, and a bottle of Jack Daniels to cross the border now-a-days. So, I had to be satisfied with looking longingly at Casino Niagara from the US and contemplating the oddness of gambling being fully legal less than 400 feet away from me. Apparently, the Seneca’s are trying to prove a treaty that gave the US control of Grand Island (an island in the middle of the Niagara River) was illegal. If they win, they get control of the island. Should be interesting.
Best thing I’ve read all week. RD Reynold’s of Wrestlecrap Fame, about Terri Runnels “Eat a Sandwich, Skeletor.â€Â
To the wrestling!
WWF
Raw
Two matches per show led into King of the Ring. RVD Beat X-Pac with the help of Booker T handing out a Book-end which turned out to be a foreshadowing of the Rock showing up at the end of the show. Later, X-Pac and the nWo made sure that Brock won his KotR match.
Vince gave us an update on the Austin situation. He was upset by the Austin situation, but the door is open once Austin aplogizes to everyone including wrestlers, owners, and fans. It was an odd little interview with Vince half in-character and half out-of-character. I do have to say, watching the interview, if I didn’t know any better, I would have thought Austin was going to be out at the end of the show to hand out Stunners.
Chris from Tough Enough has officially “become†someone in the federation. He’s been teamed up with Regal, and is being introduced in squashed matches. Actually, from the match, he’s got more moves than Maven. The funny thing is, he’s been stuck into the Mean Street Posse gimmick, but he actually seems to be making it work. He’s got the bad, I’m better than you attitude, AND he’s actually backing it up, rather than having an attitude and getting destroyed in every match.
Ric Flair has turned face again and Eddy and Benoit both blame him for running Austin out of the WWF. Eddy, because it was his chance to get a big rub from Austin, and Benoit because he put him out for an entire year, and he wanted revenge. So, as it goes, they beat the hell out of Flair, and no one helps him. It’s nice that Vince still wanted Ric on the show after Ric shanghaied half his company and all. It’s good that Vince gave Ric the opportunity for that “one last run.â€Â
Lita gave an interview from The World, and that yak was MAJORLY high on something. I guess after neck surgery you’d be in some pain but stay the hell home. I don’t think there’s any reason at all for her to be out and about when she’s so high on pain-killers she can barely form full words.
‘Taker’s reign of terror against the mid-carders continues with Matt Hardy. Matt gets destroyed, than Raven came out to give Take a hand taking out Jeff as well. Jeff gets hand-cuffed to the rope and beaten. Not since the Bossman has there been such a beating.
Rocky isn’t going to be around much because no insurance company is going to cover him while he’s wrestling and studios are pretty much sticklers for insuring those million dollar actors. So, Rock can choose: 1. Give his body up 150 to 200 days a year and maybe get another ten years out of himself, always risking a career ending injury or having the boss turn on you, and having iffy writers in control of your career or be on a coddled studio set for a couple months at a time pull in 10 million dollars a movie and pick and choose where you want your career to go. Which would you choose?
– Me, last week.
OK so I was wrong. Rock came out at the end of the show and delivered a speech that got me, most of the audience, and probably everyone else all fired up. He told everyone in the company that, if they didn’t want to be there, then to get the F out. He said that he still bleeds the WWF. Gotta respect that.
Smackdown
King of the Ring matches set up the PPV. Jericho was able to pull off the major upset and defeat Val Venis. Again, I would review the match, but I refuse to further the nickname “Valbowski.†Test also, in no big shock, got the big win over Hardcore Holly. I’m going to guess Test is NOT going to be the king of the ring.
Lance Storm is apparently getting ready to form the Storm Foundation with the Canadians in the federation. All the referees, and the entire federation, are out to get the Canadians. The refs are responding with the formation of RACK. Referees Against CanucKs. Lex Luger will be their president and his only job will be to put Canadians in the Rack. After driving on the NYS Thruway for five hours today, I am against Candians as well, especially ones who drive Tractor Trailers. Quebecois Truck Drivers should be banned from the state.
Jamie Noble introduced himself to the WWF fans by beating Billy Kidman. He DDTed him off the top rope, and looked like he damn near killed Billy. Guess Billy’s push is on the back burner again. Guess he looks back on the “anyone who wants to be released from their contract†days and shakes his head.
Undertaker and Angle had a match I fell asleep. Not because the match was bad, just because I was tired and had gotten up at seven the day before.
Judgement Day
Or: the night of REALLY LONG, plodding matches.
King of the Ring Tournament ended with Brock, officially, getting his shot to be the “Next Big Thing.†RVD beat Jericho in what turned out to be an incredible match. Typical RVD matches with False Finishes, finishers being hit, and randomly ending at a weird time. Jericho beat the hell out of RVD post match, which had completely faded by the time the second match rolled around. Test and Brock had the next match, where Ross actually had the gall to tell us that “Insiders thought Test was ready to take the next step up.†This is true, if by “step up†you mean “put Brock over.†This is true, since everyone’s doing it. Storm and Christian were upset since both the Canadians got screwed. I was quite happy to see the Canadians get screwed. More screwing going on than Canadian Porn, where the chicks say “aboot.â€Â
Unimpressed by the cruiserweight match. Especially after seeing the NWA cruiserweight match. Any cruiserweight match which involves rest-holds is not up there in my cruiserweight matches of the year. Actually, any cruiserweight match that does not involve flying Elvis’s may not be involved in my MOTY candidates.
Eddy and Ric Flair’s match was tough to stay into. It felt like it was about an hour long.
Angle and Hogan’s match was also pretty good. Hogan tapped out for the first time in my recent memory. I assume he must have tapped to the Scorpion Deathlock at some point, but I can’t remember. Hogan spent a good two or three minutes in the ankle lock before tapping out he’s actually the first person to tap out the ankle lock in recent memory.
Goldust, Rocky, and Booker T had the best exchange of the entire show. If you don’t see these skits with Goldust, Booker, and whomever else is involved, the transcribing doesn’t do it justice. I maintain my idea of Booker-vision. With him in the corner at all times, ratings will skyrocket.
RVD and Brock had a good match for the KotR finals. Somewhat short, but good. RVD bumped his ass off to put over Brock, which will help him with the main office. The WWF likes to push their own products to the moon, IE: Rocky and Kurt I expect Brock to walk out of Summerslam with the belt.
HHH had a small confrontation with the nWo nothing came of it. I expected a X-Pac vs Booker match, but I guess there wasn’t enough time with all the video packages and backstage skits. Who needs matches anyway, right?
The World Title match was about what you would expect from Taker and HHH. Plodding but good, with many a soupbone and many a knee handed out. The only really bad part was Earl Hebner getting hit with a slingshot and being out for approximately half the match. Also, the match ended on a rollup and, when a rollup is used as a “quick, shock†ending it’s one thing. HHH had to struggle in the rollup for about about a 7-count while Earl counted a three. Doesn’t work there I don’t care if you pull the guy’s tights over his head. Rollups need to be a quick finish, not a struggling ref finish. The Rock was involved, giving HHH a chairshot and UT a Rock Bottom. The end saw the three guys slugging it out with each other. I assume a three way match sometime soon probably on Smackdown.
NWA
Ed Ferrara now has dreadlocks he’s wearing a rockstar, purple, mohair shirt and some serious dreadlocks. Him, non-blinking Mike Tenay, and the Sportscard Guy from the Home Shopping Network. While I enjoy listening to Don West enough that he makes me want to buy both Sports Cards and Swords I have no interest in, he isn’t much use for a wrestling program unless he is informing me I get a free Mickey Mantle Rookie Card with each purchase of the program and 12 Japanese King Swords, he really isn’t much of an asset.
They opened with a cruiserweight match (after a legends session with some dukers), which was remimescent of WCW Lucha matches. Yang from the Jung Dragons stole the show, along with Low-Ki. Yang was officially the first person ever to reverse a DDT by bouncing off his head and landing on his feet. No, I’m not kidding.
They had a midget match Midget matches own, hands down. Why this wasn’t the main event, I don’t know.
They had a couple of tag team matches one with Richard and Rod Johnson, who were actually two ridiculously jakked guys in masks. They didn’t mention anything about a tag team title only about an X title, which I’m assuming is the cruiserweight titles. I’m assuming the Flying Elvis’s will win the belts I’m also assuming they will be like the nWo and many, many men will be turning Elvis in the next few weeks.
The Dupps were another tag team introduced. They’re rednecks. Why Vince didn’t keep them is beyond me.
The Royal Rumble was your general thing. Jarrett got to toss the first few guys, but ended up eliminated later in the night. It came down to Ken “The Most Dangerous Sideburns in Wrestling†Shamrock and Malice, who was the Wall in WCW. Shamrock won with the Ankle Lock after a short match. Next week, he faces Yang for the Sideburn Title and I say Yang has him cold.
The Week In Wrestling
My final say on NWA:TNA too goddam much Jarrett. McMahon, Bischoff, and Russo all tried their damndest to shove Jarrett down our throat for years. It didn’t work then and it won’t work now. Christ, they even tried making the man a HORSEMAN and it didn’t work. Shoving him even MORE because he’s the booker’s son is not going to work either. Jarrett broke up the Legends Ceremony, was in every backstage skit, threw out five guys in the Rumble, AND closed the show. That’s more Jarrett in two hours than most people would want in a lifetime.
And yeah, you can argue that the NASCAR Drivers and the Country Western singer isn’t the best marketing tool but, it really is. NASCAR, even though it’s faker than wrestling and boxing combined, is more popular than just about any other sport and singer, well, the dude does 1-800-COLLECT commercials with ALF. If that doesn’t say “hard sell†I don’t know what does. Just because you or I may not dig into those guys most of the country does. I don’t fault the Jarretts. Besides SNL has been doing a musical guest for 30 years, so maybe it works.
Again, this week, Raw was tremendously better than Smackdown, in my own dumb opinion. Raw seems to have more of a focus. The nWo has a direction (with Michaels) and now they have something going with Hunter, too. When I thought Russo was in charge of the show, I half expected the Rock to turn on Hunter and join the nWo. But, it was not to be, as Russo is already, arguably, off the payroll.
The big story of the week was Russo coming back to work for the WWF. Was it what they needed? Maybe not, but it would have been something different. For anyone doing the current writing to say that ANYONE is out of touch with the product and the current audience is beyond me. If Stephie thinks SHE’S in touch with the current audience, and still putting on the crap they’ve been putting on they’re nuts.
Fact of the matter is this: if Russo could be strictly their idea man, tempered and made sense through Heyman, it would probably work. Russo has Raw ideas, no pun intended Heyman can turn them into stories. Ric/Eddy/Benoit that’s a story. Booker/Golddust/nWo that’s a story. HuHeHe/HoHuHo/Angle/UT is a clusterf**k. No one knows where anyone is coming from no one knows who the heels and who the faces are they just know to chant “you suck†when Kurt comes out. Now we stuff the Rock into the same mix, and we know he’s supposed to be face. Russo probably had the idea to turn the Rock heel which is EXACTLY what the product needs right now. What Russo could POSSIBLY have come up with to make people in the back thing HE was out of touch with product.
My guess Russo was coming up with some GOOD ideas.
Vinnie Ru: Da way I look at is like dis. You got a whole buncha guys who ain’t doin nothing. What if we took all those guys and created a faction who is sicka bein pushed around by da top guys. Dat RVD guy can lead ‘em and we can build ta Summahslam.
*laughter*
VR: What’s so funny?
Steph: Vince Vince you haven’t been around for a while. We don’t do what would be the most interesting anymore we do things to amuse us. In fact, we take the best idea, turn it around, and do the exact opposite. You may have helped us, as a matter of fact, as you gave us “good†idea now we need to work backward from that.
VR: But, it was a good idea in fact, we could sub-main Summahslam with RVD vs HHH and put RVD ovah as a legit
*gasps from the crowd*
HHH: What did you say?
VR: Well, we could use you to get a new star over.
At that point, I assume Steph and HHH ran to Vince to inform him that Russo was out of touch with the current product and had no idea what he was talking about.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not touting Russo as the once and future savior of the WWF I’m just saying for them to brign a guy in, and automatically call him out of touch, is minorly suspicious. The entire booking crew is out of touch with what the general public wants. Look at the ratings they hot-shotted the Rock back into the company, and Smackdown still scored dismally. They had the whole Austin thing go on and no one watched Raw. To can the guy before they even saw if his ideas would work is just bad business. Maybe his shit is outlandish but outlandish may work for them now. Crash booking worked for them once, who’s to say it wouldn’t again?
Remember something Goldberg didn’t like Russo’s storylines, because it called for him to do stuff he didn’t care to do. Russo’s storylines may very well have called for stuff that HHH didn’t want to do and, through Stephanie, it becomes bad for business. I’m not saying that is what happened I’m just saying it wouldn’t drop my jaw if that was what happened.
Unfortunately, USA is not about to carry another wrestling program because I think ANY alternative with major TV exposure could have a shot right now if for no other reason than because it’s something else.
Coming up, though, we have a hard push for Brock to get him ready for Summerslam we have the nWo looking to do something with HHH, and we have the Rock waiting around for something to happen. I’d have to say if Rock/UT is the July Main event, and Rock walks away with the belt I think Brock leaves Summerslam the champion. Rock has no problem putting people over. If I was in charge, that’s the way I would go and the loss could spear head the Rock snapping and returning to his older, heelish ways.
But that’s just me and who am I?
I just write for the Internet.
End Transmission
