Dog challenges Katherine Harris in Florida – Tagline on cnn.com
At least they’re keeping it within the species.
In Memoriam: Rosemary Clooney. Those of you who only know her as George’s aunt should listen to some of her music. She was one of the great voices of 50s pop. Just because she wasn’t as edgy as Peggy Lee or Dinah Washington or (especially) Billie Holiday doesn’t mean she can be ignored. Great pop songs are timeless, and Clooney sang her share of them.
Speaking of that, let me chime in with a couple of thoughts concerning one John Entwhistle, another “untimely” death for me:
1) Quadrophenia was better than Tommy. Yeah, it doesn’t have anything to do with Entwhistle per se, but I wanted to get that out.
2) He played the same role in The Who as the late George Harrison did in the Beatles: he was the stable center that the band could rally around. Roger’s twiling the mic around like a maniac, Pete’s flailing his guitar like a whirling dervish, Moonie…well, he was being Moonie, but there was Ox on the side, just plucking away at his bass, providing assurance to the audience that they were going to survive the concert. On record (some of you remember those), there was always that bass at the center of the sound, providing hooks for the guitar noodlings and “lead drums”. Ox showed how important bass was to a rock band, not just in the underpinning of the rhythm, but in the filling of space.
3) Going on with the tour was the right decision, especially in turning it into a tribute to Ox and hiring a great replacement in Pino Palladino. It’ll be a great way for fans to get together to mourn in the proper venue for Ox. Of course, this is going to become the Owen Hart Controversy of the music world, but I’m not afraid to take opinions.
4) The (justified) tributes to Ox point out, yet again, the horrible image that Punk still has with the media. Ox had “died” in his hotel room, but Dee Dee Ramone was “found dead” a few weeks ago. There’s some very heavy implications in that difference. Come on, guys. It’s been a quarter century. Punk bands are now eligible for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (and the Ramones were inducted last year on the 25th anniversary of the release of their first album). Give them a break.
4a) Speaking of punk, who wins this Parnassus Battle of the Bands? John Lennon/George Harrison/John Entwhistle/Keith Moon or Joey Ramone/Dee Dee Ramone/Johnny Thunders/Jerry Nolan?
5) That being said, Who’s Next is one of my favorite albums, and longtime correspondent Heath Peek has a great Entwhistle-tribute review of it up at Epinions.
Well done, Ox. And thank you.
THE PIMP SECTION
Neverwinter Nights may be short with its single-player, but it’s beautiful, and there are already modules available to extend your play experience. Definitely worth the purchase. However, that copy of Tom and Jerry: Fists of Furry I downloaded might just steal some time away for me. I can feel the whirring of Bill Hanna in his grave right now.
Hey, that’s more important to me than the other writers at 411, so it gets priority.
Memo to Hyatte: When some species of female rats and mice smell the urine of an unfamiliar male in their territory, they will release an enzyme in their body that spontaneously aborts and dissolves any fetuses they might be carrying. If anyone can use this bit of trivia that I’ve been carrying around in my head, it’s you.
Daniels. Always a class act. And I use Norton Anti-Virus 2002. They seem to update a lot more often than the rest of them. Yes, I pirated it.
Norton does the obsequies for Page Falkenburg’s career. However, it must be remembered that the hard work was combined with a major dose of sucking up to the right people. That, my dear Blake, is why IWC people were down on him, not because he respected the fans or whatever.
Bower gets a plug because…well, he’s on the same beat and stuck on the same timeframe as me and Hyatte, so no one here’s going to read him, and I’d like the poor guy to have some audience.
WHY DID THEY HAVE TO WAKE HIM UP?
Dubbaya underwent a colonoscopy on Saturday and temporarily turned the reigns of power over to Mad Dog Cheney while he was under chemically-induced euphoria. You know, there are so many ways to go with this one, so you can just pick:
a) As expected, the doctors did find evidence of brain tissue while inside.
b) After being told that the test was a success and that the President had woken up, the First Lady asked “How can you tell?”.
c) Director of Homeland COINTELPRO…uh Security Ridge stated that there was little chance that terrorists had made their home inside the president’s colon, but extra security measures would be taken, because you can never be sure.
d) A troop of Army Rangers were assigned to go inside with the probe, since it was one of the few caves they hadn’t checked out yet.
e) The Bush daughters, meanwhile, used the opportunity to tour the hospital’s pharmacy and shoplift “samples” for a 4th of July party.
f) A congressional investigation committee asked to be present during the examination to determine if he had any evidence of Enron malfeasance hidden down there.
I think that’s enough of that.
ONE NATION, UNDER ME, INDIVISIBLE…
I, of course, am in favor of the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruling that strikes the words “under God” from the Pledge of Allegiance. Remember that little statement I made about taking the word “God” out of every language on Earth as a step to eliminating war? Now, if we can get “In God We Trust” off of our money, we’ll be good to go. The only bad thing about it is that Gamble would have to get another job, and Botter would have to find someone else to discover.
A GREAT FINALE TO A GREAT WORLD CUP
Unlike recent final games, Brazil/Germany did not disappoint. It just demonstrates how one key moment can totally turn a game around. When the ball slipped out of Kahn’s hands, I just went “Oh, shit”. Naturally, I was rooting for Germany, because I’ve never lived in Brazil, and it was an honorable loss for them. They’ve got nothing to be ashamed about going into their host duties in 2006.
However, Ronaldo…you know, when he first came around, I was wondering about all of the hype surrounding this kid. The last few years, with the surgeries and the decline in play, certainly made a case for overhype killing what was a decent career. But his performance in the last two games of this Cup erases all of that doubt. Twelve goals in fourteen Cup games. That’s Ronaldo’s stats. They’re also Pele’s stats. That says everything. He deserves to be the only guy who rivals Tigger as the world’s biggest sports star.
Plus, the guy’s making a sartorial impact. I know of at least four guys at work who are now sporting Ronaldo haircuts, despite the fact that it makes you look like a mental patient (it’s tough to check the actual number due to the fact that we wear hairnets at work). Come to think of it, a Ronaldo might just be comfortable to wear in this damnably hot weather. However, I don’t think I’m going to try it. There’s silly and then there’s damn silly.
THE MESS AT THE ALL-ENGLAND
No American man is left entering the Round of 16. That’s what I meant by saying “Other than Agassi, who are these guys?” last week, Gepp, not that Agassi would win (although I didn’t expect him to bow out as soon as the third round). Didn’t mean to dis your homie Hewitt, though, who is starting to provide a little bit of excitement back into the men’s side, but he needs to start pulling McEnroe-like temper tantrums in order to get back some of the interest. Sampras totally killed men’s tennis by sucking all of the personality out of it.
As for the women’s side, it’s riddled with enough Americans to start making heavy-duty Revolutionary War comparisons on this July 4th week. Jen-Jen’s upped the ante with her anti-Williams remarks, so everything’s set for a titanic confrontation. Let’s hope that it comes off. It may be the last interesting thing left in this tournament unless Henman makes the finals on the penile side.
Speaking of penile, let’s move on to Raw with the Short Form. As usual, Scott and PK have you hooked up with full results in case you had something better to do, like waxing your car or masturbating.
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Brock Lesnar over Ric Flair (Pinfall, F5): The right result against the right guy at the right time. There was a fine line here to be walked by Lesnar between selling too little for a true legend and selling too much for him (which would totally blow the Lesnar mystique). Lesnar walked that line perfectly from beginning to end. Kudos to Flair for demonstrating that he still has his Broomstick Ability (and Lesnar’s no broomstick). Wrong year? Yeah, it was. But I wasn’t watching NWA in 1987, and this gave me a decent idea what a Flair/Nikita Koloff match was like back then.
Speaking of that, the Goodfella (whose AOL handle will be forgiven by me eventually since he seems like a nice guy), came out with a great line in a mail to me during my period of dormancy last evening: Was anyone else just waiting for Brock to say “I will break you” to Ric Flair in a thick Russian accent at the beginning of Raw? I always thought he looked like an Americanized version of Ivan Drago.
Chris Harvard over Bradshaw, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, Ding Dong School): If Harvard’s so smart, maybe he can tell me how a match for a belt that’s supposedly defended 24/7/365 can be non-title. Shouldn’t it be defended in every match the holder competes in, kinda like the way WCW used to run the TV title? Oh, forget about it. WWE Logic is an oxymoron. What’s not oxymoronic is WWE being able, on rare occasions to admit mistakes, and one of their biggest was anointing the bland Maven as TE1 winner. They’ve corrected half of that by bringing in Chris. Now bring in Josh and fully ‘fess up.
Rob Van Dam over Billy Brass Knucks, Non-Title Non-Title match (Pinfall, Five-Star Frog Splash): Watching a Van Dam/Regal match is as disconcerting as shifting a car from first to fourth gear. It takes both out of their game so badly that the match seems to have a disconnected flow to it. However, it can be forgiven since the match was just a set-up for the promo afterward, and we have our first match for Vengeance.
The Dudley Boys, Caucasian Variation, over Our Lord and Savior Chris Benoit and Eddy Guerrero (Pinfall, Buh Buh Ray pins Guerrero, Buh Buh Bomb): You could feel the mass shift of the Earth as all the members of the IWC genuflected when Benoit entered. Okay, I would have joined them, but these bad knees of mine…be that as it may, they gave this one a lot of time, and everybody was having a boatload of fun in the ring. Of course, there will be people who will say that Benoit’s return should have been bigger, that it was wasted in a tag match against people named Dudley…no, I haven’t read Keith yet. Why do you ask me that kind of stuff? Oh, forget it. Not a great match, but a fun match, and it’s a thrill to see him back.
Booker T over The Big Show, Non-Tag-Team Match (COR): Oh, boy, another match to set up a Kevin Nash Tweener Promo. Well, at least it’s from the guy from whom the term was invented. Set phasers on Ignore.
The Undertweener over Jeff Hardy, WWE Title Match, Ladder Match (Duh): I never knew a ladder match could be sooooo painfully slloooooowwwww. It’s not the worst gimmick match UT has ever been in (we’ve all tried to forget that mess against the Bossman in the Cell), but a bad idea nonetheless. It was the bouncer in a leather bar versus Tonight’s Pass-Around Bitch. Was this Manchester or Provincetown?
Angle Developments:
“In Reality” Check: Anyone else think that Coachman was going to say “Where all de white women at?” during his interview with Jackie? This would have been a lot more offensive if anyone thought of Coachman as vaguely threatening. And speaking of that whole situation, who the heck was the face during that confrontation? I was thinking it was Molly until the Trish run-in since Jackie was so damn obnoxious, but then Trish did the depantsing and “big ass” signs.
Remembrance Of Bad Angles Past: When Darth Goldust went into the “I am your father” routine, I swear, if one of them had mentioned dragging a casket, I would have either marked out or bashed my TV set in. I’m still not sure which.
AND IN OTHER WRESTLING NEWS…
Here’s a special report from the Chris Harvard of the IWC, Elliot Olshansky, on the Heat and dark matches at Raw (obviously, being a smart Dartmouth man, he attended, and yes, E, I’m a University of Chicago grad, class of ’86):
Dark match: Justin Credible d. Shelton Benjamin (Pinfall, superkick)
Benajmin was WAY over with the Manchester crowd. I was very disappointed that my “Aldo” chant failed. He looked pretty good, outside of a couple of blown moves. Actually, those blown moves looked to be Justin’s fault: a hiptoss reversal where Justin’s initial attempt fell apart, and a crotch first whip into the post that they had to repeat because Justin didn’t hit his slide right. Benjamin hit a nice looking high crossbody, which Credible rolled
through and got two off of, then superkicked Benjamin for the win. Benjamin got a nice pop on the way out.
Heat:
Trish Stratus d. Victoria (Pinfall, Stratusfaction)
Decent action, but Victoria is no Molly or Jazz in the ring. However, Victoria does hit a nice pair of rolling snap suplexes during the match. I hate Stratusfaction, because it’s obvious that the victim needs to give Trish a boost for her to do it.
Johnny “The Bull” Stramboli d. Shawn Stasiak (Pinfall, sitout uranage)
I don’t know what Bull’s finish is called, but “sitout uranage” is the best description I can give the move. This was a solid power match with simple but effective psychology (back injury to Stramboli, sold fairly well by Johnny and attacked convincingly by Stasiak). Some sparse “Meat” chants started here and there, but never got momentum (despite my best efforts)
Raven d. Tommy Dreamer (Pinfall, Evenflow)
Sad match. It’s sad to watch these guys go out and do this match. I’m sorry. They try, too, but the match was sloppy and had no heat. Nice little finisher reversal sequence ends the match, and the Evenflow looked good, but the action leading up to the finish was quite lacking.
Matt Hardy d. Steven Richards (Pinfall, Twist of Fate)
GREAT FRICKIN’ MATCH! TONS of crowd heat, crisp moves, and good character work during the match, especially from Richards, who even hit his own version of the Side Effect at one point. Worth catching Heat for.
Also, Elliot reports that Trip was backstage at Raw, where he was interviewed by the local ABC affiliate for their news report. Alas, they apparently did not interview Poison, who were sitting behind Lawler and Ross according to 1bullshit. The band must have been disappointed that Chris Jericho wasn’t there to buy their surplus wardrobe.
Thank you, Elliot, for providing us with that exclusive view. We’d all like to see you come back, but, hey, legit journalism actually pays, and I respect that.
Other than that, pretty much jack shit unless you want to read about another promotion stiffing guys (this one booked by Animal of the Road Warriors). In that case, just head over to 1bullshit and read one of their few redeeming factors, Georgie Mak. I’m not wasting my column space on this. I’ve got better things to waste it on. For instance…
YOU’RE A MORON: THE FIRST TWO-TIME WINNER
Coty Long, winner of the last You’re a Moron, didn’t take too kindly to being the winner, and actually was brave enough to write me back:
Pretty good here, so you decided to post my email in your column, how sweet, I’m flattered. How come you couldn’t just email me back? And if you try to pull some clever shit and say ‘if you’ve got a problem with me, why continue to read my column?’, just to let you know I never plan on reading that f*cking trash ever again, a friend had to tell me of your cute little antics. I have no problem with you or your column, i was just stating my opinions, but when you try to take a lowblow such as posting the email in an attemp to make me out as an idiot, that’s f*cking pityful, hey, but at least i can proudly say i was blasted on 411wrestling.com by Eric Swhatchamacallit.
1) I don’t e-mail trolls back. I expose them for what they are in You’re A Moron, which has been an integral part of this column for six months now. Too bad you just came around to reading the True Light Of Internet Wrestling Columns, because you would have known that and not risked trolling me.
2) That’s some friend you have to tell you that I made you my bitch. With friends like that, who needs blah blah blah.
3) There’s a difference between stating a contrary opinion and being a rude little f*ck. You were the latter. If you’d stated it in a nice way, you wouldn’t have qualified for YAM.
Well, Poor Widdle Kotex didn’t hear back from me, so he followed up:
You dirty little shit,
How come you never write me back, afraid of what I have to say? You hide behind you’re silly little column and try to make people who have a problem with you out as dimwits. If you’d like to settle this like a real man with ‘testicular fortitude’, message me on msn (cotylong@hotmail.com) or icq (UIN 27070457) and don’t be such a little cowardly bitch about things. Oh yeah, how was Scooby-Doo, did you get a kick out of the cgi Scooby, or the trendy generation-TRL type dialouge which is ever-so present in the trailers. Guess you were at least that bright to download it rather to run to the cinema and pay money to watch it, but that might be because you have some type of social disorder. So are you going to confront me man-to-man, or shall I have to proceed to track you down and go Ed Gein on your ass?
1) I don’t write you back because it’s a waste of my time. I’d prefer to publicly humiliate you.
2) I don’t need to make people who have a problem with me look like dimwits. Many of them, like yourself, are dimwits. I’m just making it publicly known, along with your ICQ and Hotmail accounts (oh, how brave of you to use a Hotmail account).
3) Scooby-Doo was in the so-bad-it’s-good category. Loved Rowan Atkinson’s performance.
4) Ed Gein was a serial killer, so unless you don’t intend to stop with me, Kotex, the statement’s not valid. Besides, I’m better with knives than you are.
5) I’m in the book, oogums, and I’m not that hard to find.
By the way, here’s what other people have to say about you and about YAM:
You’re a Moron is a very entertaining look at some of the whackos out there who only care about the latest news and will complain to anyone not supplying it to ’em despite the recent headlines being all over the damned ‘net, to the point where you’d have to be either very blind or very stupid to start sifting through commentary articles when the newsboard is just a few clicks south of your link. This is wrestling, guys. These days, it’s not really very interesting anyway. Why do you think Raw keeps pulling 3.x ratings?
Wow, that moron certainly was of the grade-A quality, as moron’s go anyway. I’m pretty sure you made it quite clear that within your two weekly columns, one would be about wrestling, and the other about politics, life in general and whatever else floats your boat when writing it. I guess I was wrong about finding that stuff interesting to read as well as
your wrestling insights. Luckily that Coty guy cleared everything up. Eh, I know you don’t really give a shit whether or not I approve of what you do with your column, but that guy was just too sad.
That one guy in you column says wrestling is the only reason he comes to 411? Well, YOU’RE the only reason I come to 411. Keep up the good work.
So, I’m a little bit disturbed by young Coty. Since when did a bunch of run-on sentences and more expetives than a Tarantino film qualify as a “rant?” Generally, rants include some cohesive thought and at least a 95% matery of syntax, punctuation and grammar (hey, I’ll forgive one typo – two and you’re dad, but one I’ll let slide). Either he’s 13, which excuses the grammar and syntax faux pas since you don’t diagram sentences until 9th grade, OR he’s full of vitriol over the fact that his parents gave him the first name of a company that specializes in the manufacture of feminine hygeine products. (this one was a great riposte courtesy of Big Daddy Kurt Dieckmann)
So, it’s the opinion of not just me, but a number of people, that you’re a complete waste of sperm, Kotex. I’m sure that your “friends” are going to tell you about this too (admit it, bitch, you read me). So go for it, honey. Next step’s yours.
MAILBAG!
Lots of responses to the Piracy 101 column last week, but let’s start with Dragons81, who remarks about my being in favor of abortion and making it retroactive to the age of 35 remark:
If your mom had an abortion you wouldn’t be here. Isn’t that a bit scary to
think about?
Abortion was illegal at the time. I’m sure that my mother, whoever she was, probably thought about it. The information that I have about her is that she got pregnant out of wedlock, didn’t know who the father was, and put me up for adoption. You know, I’ve been trying to get a medical history of her out of Catholic Charities in Chicago at my doctor’s request, and it’s a real bitch. You know, given that trouble and the psychological trauma I’ve had courtesy of being adopted, yes, I wish she had aborted me (no smart remarks from the peanut gallery, please). It would have saved me (and the world) a lot of trouble. So there.
John Harris wants me to tear a new one into Ann Coulter for using Katie Couric as the latest poster child for her crusade to prove America’s “liberal media bias”. You know, I don’t bother with anything Ann Coulter says anymore, especially after her attempt to make Barbara Olsen into some kind of martyr. She’s a ridiculous moron with political opinions that would embarass Pat Buchanan. Besides, I put Katie Couric on my must-die list for the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics, and to champion her now would make me into a bit of a hypocrite, don’t you think? I’d rather fight Ann Coulter on someone like Bernie Shaw, who wouldn’t make me feel embarassed to champion, not Little Miss Fluff.
Rick McBride, a longtime reader, wanted me to point out an indy called Florida Wrestling Association, which has a broadcast contract with the Sunshine Network. Their two main heels are (get this) Barry Horowitz and Mike Enos. So, if you’ve got a dish and are looking to alternatives to WWE and don’t mind the fact that two JTTSes in their forties are making complete asses of themselves on camera, this might be worth looking into. The humor value alone should be worth it.
Now on to Piracy 101. Chris Wills takes me to task:
How can someone discuss their piracy habits with the air of elitism that you do, and yet suggest that anyone use Kazaa?
Because you gotta go where the software is, and for certain things like short movie files, KaZaA is the best place. For instance, yesterday, I downloaded two and a half seasons of South Park DivXs from there. Saves me from having to watch Comedy Central. Also, remember that I use KaZaA Lite, so no spyware on the ol’ system.
The aforementioned Big Daddy Kurt Dieckmann, he of the beautiful wife and beautiful baby daughter, tells me to get out of the meat and poultry industry and start writing this subject up as a book. He asks me: When’s the last time you caught a case of trichinosis from reading a book (Danielle Steele, notwithstanding)? Well, no one in the US has died of trichinosis since 1876, actually, but preventive measures still need to be taken (as I very well know, working with pork as heavily as I do right now). Someone has to do it. Besides, I’m not sure that publishers would want a how-to book on circumventing copyright since it’s part of their raison d’etre. I’m not Abbie Hoffman and this isn’t the early 70s. Other than that, your consuling fee is quite fair. Also glad I could make you feel a little better about having White Guys’ Disease.
The Legendary Piedmonte questions me about my need for HD space:
Two f*cking 80 gig RAIDed drives aren’t enough ‘sometimes’? Like when– hacking into the ops computer for Anaconda?!? Jesus! Or are you just striping across both to have a backup?
No, I’m just running a RAID 0 array on my system. As for hacking into the Ops Computer for Anaconda, sounds like a good idea. Actually, my space is taken up by entire audio CDs that I need to burn one of these days, whole game CDs ditto, about 20G or so of MP3s, a bunch of movies that I haven’t had the chance to watch and/or burn, etc. 160G gets taken up pretty fast.
Corey Allen wants to take this to the next step, and he’s providing a great link for newbies with DVD-ROMs who want to rip DVDs and post them. Try DVD Rip Guides for a great starter kit on that. Here’s a link for people like Shaun DiGioia who want to learn how to convert DivX files to MPEG in case they don’t want to use Nero to do a direct convert to VCD.
Rick Tym was the first to remind me of the most embarassing omission I did when talking about Usenet piracy: a mention of PAR files and what they do. Head over to SmartPAR, read their FAQ over there, and grab a copy of SmartPAR while you’re at it (it’s the PAR program that I use). It’ll save you a lot of redownloading. Rick was also having problems playing certain video files he’s downloaded, and I diagnosed his problem as not having the correct codec on his system to play those files. I recommended the Tsunami Filter Pack (direct download link) to install all of the possible codecs he might need for video playing.
cworrell and a number of people recommended Direct Connect as a peer-to-peer solution. I’ve just downloaded it, so I’m going to try it out. It’s listed as adware, though, so I’m glad I’ve got AdAware installed. You’ll be too. I’ve pimped AdAware in the column before, so you know I definitely believe in its capabilities.
Tomorrow…oh, let’s see. Smackdown, natch. You’re A Moron again, definitely. Sleep may be an option, you never know. Thanking the Supreme Being for the existence of Willis Carrier is a certainty (“Tonight’s low will be 75 degrees…”). Other than that, I’ll just wing it. Until then, have an adequate day.
About Eric Szulczewski
