The SmarK Rant for XPW Baptized in Blood 2
(Warning: The following rant probably shouldn’t be read by those who are easily offended or under 18. As much as I try to tone down my stuff recently, this contains a lot of naughty language, situations, and match descriptions. Just covering my ass.)
– By popular demand, the return of the most sadistic alternative to the star-rating system ever devised: The Hot Poker Up The Ass Rating system! See, while normally I rate positively (starting at zero and working up to five), sometimes a promotion produces a show so putrid, so insulting to the general intelligence of the viewer, that the only way I can properly express the pain caused by watching is to inflict equal (hypothetical) damage on the person causing it. So, in this case, for every segment that sucks, I will shove an appropriate number of oven-fired, red hot pokers up Rob Black’s ass. Easy enough, no?
– One of the funniest ribs I’ve ever seen opens the tape, as a disclaimer begins things, stating that the people on this tape are “trained professionalsÃ¢â‚¬Â and thus, this stuff shouldn’t be tried at home. Now, calling them either “trainedÃ¢â‚¬Â or “professionalsÃ¢â‚¬Â is funny enough by itself, but suggesting that this shouldn’t be tried at home, when in fact I’ve seen backyard wrestling with better-executed spots makes this disclaimer officially funnier than when Vince prepped for the Montreal screwjob by calling Bret Hart and asking him if his fridge was running, and then Shawn Michaels stuck a potato in Bret’s tailpipe while he was checking on it. In fact, in the spirit of TRUE extreme and not the watered-down type practiced by second-rate groups like XPW, I encourage everyone at home to pick one spot from this tape and practice it at home, get horribly disfigured as a result, then sue Rob Black for encouraging you to do so because you thought that the disclaimer was really a practical joke. I’d also call 20/20 and pin the Chandra Levy disappearance on Black, too, because really for anyone outside of the US the whole thing is boring as hell to watch and it desperately needs a new angle to rev it up a bit. Hell, at least the OJ Simpson trial had a GOOD heel in Simpson, and even a great pair of backups in Mark Fuhrman and Johnnie Cochrane. All this has is Gary Condit. You think a guy named “Gary ConditÃ¢â‚¬Â is gonna move merchandise and sell TV time? No way, buddy. Now Rob Black, THERE’S a great scummy name for a disgraced politician. Rob should ditch his aspirations for mayor of LA and run for Levy’s murderer instead Ã¢â‚¬â€œ the pay is probably better and he’ll get better coverage for it.
– Your hosts are a much-improved Kris Kloss and the always-awesome Larry Rivera.
– So this is the second annual “King of the DeathmatchesÃ¢â‚¬Â tournament in XPW. We start with an interview segment, as Rob has now written himself into the storylines and is playing the evil Russo character. For some reason, there is a separate King of the Deathmatches belt, which has been won by Messiah and he is presented with it. You’d have to think a guy like Messiah would be perfect, because if he actually died he’d just come back the next week good as new. Black brings out Lester, the ex-Supreme, but they do a horrifyingly stupid re-enactment of the famous “KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!Ã¢â‚¬Â scene from Superman II and Lester chases Black away. Two hot pokers up Rob Black’s ass for putting himself on TV.
– Dynamite D v. New Jack. D is the Dynamite Dollar Man tonight, complete with giant “DÃ¢â‚¬Â belt and Dibiase tights. D issues an open challenge, and New Jack answers. Five hot pokers up Black’s ass for booking New Jack instead of letting him rot in jail. Jack starts with an armdrag to show his wrestling prowess, but the fans want violence. D works a headlock and armbar. Lariat and Dibiase fistdrop set up the Dynamite Dollar Dream. Jack escapes and grabs the plunder, and D starts bleeding via a sickle raked across the face. Jack pounds on him outside, but D goes low and uses a VCR. Jack staples him and hits the chinlock. Way to keep that hardcore match pace going, Jerome. D escapes and goes up, but misses and Jack trashcans him for the pin at 7:52. Ã‚Â½* Another two hot pokers up Rob Black’s ass because even the garbage spots missed and chinlocks have no place in a brawl.
– You know, I think they should go for truth in advertising and have everyone involved in this tournament actually suffer, at the very least, a career-ending injury. “DeathÃ¢â‚¬Â matches where both guys walk out under their own power just aren’t giving the fans their money’s worth.
– Vic Grimes v. Kraq. Grimes has the distinction of blacklisting himself from BOTH the WWF and ECW due to his moronic dangerous spot, although he didn’t get a chance to screw up in WCW before it folded, sadly. Kraq, another one of those high-concept characters, is a militant Black Panther type who has a male transvestite valet named Angel. See, the implication is that Angel enjoys pleasuring Kraq, so the fans can then chant “You suck dick for KraqÃ¢â‚¬Â at him and pretend they’re actually witty. As a note, when you need setup lines from the promoter, you’re not actually witty. Grimes gets a pair of elbows to start, and a legdrop, and Kraq gets sent into a bed of nails and falls onto Angel. Homophobic HILARITY follows. Five hot pokers up Black’s ass for resorting to cheap anal penetration humor. Um crap, that doesn’t make me look very good. See, irony is only funny until it happens to you. Okay, so scratch that, anal penetration humor is actually funny and very witty. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Grimes DDTs Kraq and powerbombs him on barbed wire, and splashes him for the pin at 3:46. At least they kept it quick, so no extra pokers. DUD
– Nosawa v. White Trash Johnny Webb. Nosawa is some Japanese garbage wrestler. Nosawa attacks on the outside, but Webb punks him out. A bed of thumbtacks gets brought into the ring, but Webb gets DDTd on it. Nosawa grabs the barbed wire ladder and puts it on Webb’s head, then hits it in such a manner so as to not only do no damage, but not even APPEAR that it could possibly be causing damage. Let’s give old Rob 3 hot ones for that spot. Webb eats more thumbtacks and bails. Webb fights back with a scissor kick, but gets suplexed onto the ladder. He comes back, but misses a blind charge and gets suplexed. Michinoku driver on the thumbtacks, and Nosawa goes up and lands in the tacks by mistake. Fate is such a fickle mistress. Webb powerbombs Nosawa on the tacks and gets the pin at 7:59. Zen’s glowing review of the match: “That wasn’t that horrible.Ã¢â‚¬Â Ã‚Â¾* Extra Ã‚Â¼* there for the blatant muff shot of Webb’s porn starlet valet as she crawls into the ring. See, as much as I think Black sucks as a promoter, he’s got one thing over Vince McMahon: Valets who have NO PROBLEM with full-frontal nudity on command, if need be. Vince lost that advantage when he fired the Kat. Speaking of which, it seems like poor Jerry Lawler is getting closer and closer to the edge of a nervous breakdown every day, what with her calling the cops to reclaim her stuff from Chez King and somebody floating a picture of her playing paddycake with some other guy around the Ã¢â‚¬Ëœnet, which caused Lawler to blow a gasket and delete his entire messageboard. If anyone actually HAS said picture, you know the e-mail address. I think the real shame is that guy posted it to a messageboard instead of going for the jugular and trying to blackmail Lawler, but god knows that’d just be kicking him when he’s down. But I digress from this fascinating tournament
– John Kronus v. Homeless Jimmy. You know, there was a point when I had thought that Saturn got the better end of the Eliminator split, but ever since he’s been booked to suffer concussions and do the horizonal mambo with a cleaning utensil, really you have to swing the respectability pendulum back in Kronus’ favor. “Sure, I suck,Ã¢â‚¬Â John can say to himself, “but at least I’m not booked to be f*cking a mop.Ã¢â‚¬Â Really, how low down the WWF dignity scale do you have to be for the writers to think that sexual relations with an inanimate object will improve your standing in the card? I mean, sure it worked for HHH and Chyna, but that’s the exception. I would be remiss if I didn’t note that it appears Kronus has eaten Tank Abbott and absorbed his life energy, thus explaining both his weight gain and Tank’s departure from the wrestling world. They brawl and weapons are used, all of which bore me due to their wussiness. Back in, Jimmy gets a faceful of broken glass, and Kronus breaks a fluorescent light tube over his head. Okay, I guess that’s pretty violent. But Jimmy comes back and bulldogs him on the glass, and hits a tope for two. They exchange shots and Kronus sets up a table in the ring and goes up, but Jimmy crotches him and bulldogs him through the table for the pin at 8:15. Kloss has trouble verbaling “Jimmy winsÃ¢â‚¬Â because it’s such a foreign concept to him. Match was all walking and bleeding. Ã‚Â¼* and one more hot poker up Black’s brown eye.
– Speaking of Mr. Personality himself, Rob and his cronies whine about Sabu’s no-show tonight. He should really be more concerned with the extreme damage being caused to his rectal cavity at this point. Sabu’s manager comes out and cuts a lengthy and boring promo, earning Black another 7 hot pokers up the ass to amuse me, and the manager gets punked out. Gee, the entire Rob Black stable in the ring and this manager thinks it’s safe to cut a promo on all of them?
– Pogo the Clown v. Steve “The GigaloÃ¢â‚¬Â Rizzono. Two hot pokers up Black’s ass because both guys have stupid names, and Pogo reminds me of Mabel. Hey, when YOU get a column, you can invent your own sadistic ratings system and use it as you see fit. Pogo no-sells some offense and gets a clothesline. Barbed wire shovel does some damage. Okay, WAIT WAIT WAIT a second. A barbed wire SHOVEL? It’s a freakin’ SHOVEL, just hit the guy with it, no barbed wire necessary. It’s worked for gangsters and thugs for decades now, no tinkering necessary. That’s like wrapping a gun in barbed wire and using it to club your enemy to death. One more hot poker for Rob. Rizzono comes back with a high knee and two wussy chairshots. Rizzono is playing the old “clueless white guy who thinks he’s sexy but really isn’tÃ¢â‚¬Â gimmick. One hot poker to Rob for ruining the poor guy’s self-esteem. Supreme comes out, back in character, with a barbed wire table. See, that’s what you need to spruce up an already dangerous gimmick Ã¢â‚¬â€œ more sharp objects poking out to go with the shrapnel created by the going through the table. I’m sure David Finlay would love it. And is it me, or is barbed wire getting a little played here? What’s next Ã¢â‚¬â€œ barbed wire popcorn in the concession stand? Barbed wire programs at the door? Barbed wire tampons in the women’s bathroom? Supreme decides to join the match, and he and Pogo double-team Rizzono and whip him into a bed of barbed wire. It sticks to the exposed skin. That’s kinda sick. Then Supreme whips Pogo INTO Rizzono (still stuck to the barbed wire by his back, mind you) and suplexes him onto thumbtacks, as we get a pleasant visual of Rizzono’s bleeding back with thumbtacks stuck to it like pimples on HHH’s shoulders. Supreme puts the barbed wire onto Rizzono, and a moonsault that obviously misses by a wide margin finishes at 8:51. Two hot pokers up Black’s ass for Supreme taking credit for the work of others. Ã‚Â½*
– Kris Kloss interviews Kid Kaos, and he’s like “What’s up with all these KK names, dude?Ã¢â‚¬Â Okay, maybe not. No, instead Juvy Guerrera interrupts their discussion of Kaos’ injured leg because THE JUICE IS LOOSE and this show is in bad need of him, and so we have an impromptu match. Juvy attacks the leg, and they exchange armdrags as Kaos’ previous injury, which required him to walk to the ring for this interview with a knee brace and crutches, has MIRACULOUSLY healed enough so that he doesn’t have to sell it anymore. How about that. Kaos powerbombs him and gets a moonsault. They brawl out and back in, where Kaos dropkicks a chair in his face. Second try misses and Juvy posts him. Missile dropkick and bulldog get two. He grabs a kneebar, but Kaos makes the ropes. Juvy gets dumped, and Kaos follows with a tope con hilo. That’s pretty spry for a guy who could barely walk 5 minutes ago. Back in, flying bodypress gets two. Juvy comes back with a Juvybomb for two. Kaos cradle gets two. Double-pin gets two. Juvy goes up and gets crotched, and Kaos hits a Buff Blockbuster for two. Nothing says hardcore like Buff Bagwell. Of course, it usually says “Hardcore gay pornÃ¢â‚¬Â and/or “Will job in hardcore match for foodÃ¢â‚¬Â these days. Juvy Driver and another kneebar finish at 9:38 as Kaos taps and that knee injury is strangely back again. As Larry so eloquently stated, “Thees was NOT thee violent crap!Ã¢â‚¬Â Juvy seemed slow (*cough* PCPXcokeblowsmackcrackH *cough* — sorry, something in my throat) but he held it together well enough. **1/2
DeathMatch tournament: SEMI-FINALS.
– Can you smell the excitement, or is that just one of the porn stars?
– Johnny Webb v. Supreme. Well, so much for Pogo’s spot. Webb blocks a whip into a bed of nails and does a neat little dipsy-doodle run up the ropes in the corner to get away. Hey, wait, THIS AIN’T BALLET! He gives Supreme some caneshots, no effect. You should try lighting him on fire, THEN he’ll sell. By the way, I’d just like to note for the record that anyone stupid enough to take a bump into a flaming table without any safety precautions deserves whatever mocking and scorn they get. Didn’t anyone see Backdraft? Fire lives to burn and consume. Just because some other idiots dodged a bullet doesn’t suddenly make it a safe or even particularly good spot to do. Like mothers always say, play with fire, get burned. Good riddance to Supreme, and I hope he’s nominated in the Honorable Mention category for the Darwin Awards to boot. And don’t give me that shit about callously making fun of a tragedy Ã¢â‚¬â€œ if one of this two-bit organizations screws up a fire spot and burns down the non-code hick arena they’re running for 300 people one of these nights, then talk to me about people deserving of my sympathy. Supreme is one of those guys who couldn’t cut it as an actual WRESTLER doing actual WRESTLING, so they fake it by delivering garbage spots for mutant fans because they think that if Foley could do it, so can they. Well, guess what, god just paid a visit, and I think he thinks you should find a new occupation. Endangering your own life is one thing, but endangering everyone else’s crosses a line entirely that there’s no need to cross. Oh, and 20 hot pokers up Rob Black’s ass for the whole fiasco, while I’m thinking about it. Webb dropkicks Supreme into the bed of nails and gets an enzuigiri. Tornado DDT to the tacks, Supreme starts bleeding. Supreme bails and walks around. Webb posts him, and they brawl. Back in, Webb gets backdropped onto thumbtacks, but sends Supreme into them for two. They head up and Supreme gets a rana off the top (which would be impressive if you didn’t realize that Webb is the one doing all the work), and a sort of chairshot off the top that was supposed to be some sort of thing resembling a frog splash, for the pin. Ã‚Â½*
– Homeless Jimmy v. Vic Grimes. Grimes pounds the shit out of him and hits a drop backbreaker, then pounds on him with a chain. The old pizza cutter to the head, just like in the original Buddy Rogers v. Lou Thesz match, draws blood. Avalanche and Grimes goes low. He puts the barbed wire table over Jimmy in the corner and splashes it, but the camera was in perfect positon to clearly show Jimmy protected by the table from any impact whatsoever. Jimmy suplexes him on the barbed wire. Dropkick into the light bulbs and a splash gets two. Jimmy finds a cheese grater, but gets dropped on broken glass. Tilt-o-whirl facebuster onto the glass follows. Grimes goes up and misses, and Jimmy tosses him. Jimmy follows with a plancha. Grimes charges and ends up in the crowd. They fight by the bleachers, and Jimmy puts a railing on Grimes and sentons the railing, but screws up the bump and hits headfirst on the way down. See, there’s the basic problem right there: They set up potentially cool spots but don’t have the skill to actually pull them off. And thus, it all looks stupid. Better to throw no punch than a bad punch. They head back to the ring, where Grimes VERY sloppily drops Jimmy on the shopping cart and pins him at 11:39. Half a dozen cringe-worthy moments there (and not for the right reasons) but it was at least passably watchable. Ã‚Â¾*
– Tool v. The Messiah. Tool is yet another hooded bad guy inspired by a combination of the Gimp from Pulp Fiction and The Machine from 8mm. Tool gets a springboard wristlock, but f*cks it up. They go out and Messiah somersaults off the apron, but Tool posts him. Back in, Tool slingshots Messiah onto the top rope, onto a chair. Okay, that was a cool spot. He tries it again, and Messiah blocks. He works the knee and Tool bails. Back in, more kneeage. Tool gets a VanDaminator and corner splash. Top rope rana and they brawl out. Messiah posts him and comes in with a rana for two. Springboard dropkick gets two. Messiah takes forever to set up a table in the corner, and of course Tool chokeslams him through it for two. Messiah clocks him with the belt and unmasks him, but before I can know if the pieces fit, Tool runs away and hides at 11:45 for the Sportz Entertainment Finish. 3 hot pokers up Black’s ass for booking a wussy finish. 12 minutes? Why can we not be sober? *
– DeathMatch Final: Vic Grimes v. Supreme. Ropes are replaced with barbed wire, and there’s a big stage covered in light bulbs and glass to one side. If you can’t call the final bump RIGHT NOW, you have no business reading this. Grimes gets tossed into a pile of lightbulbs. Grimes suplexes him on those bulbs, and rub it in. They give each other goofy weapons shots and Supreme gets the better of it. Slam on a ladder (not a barbed wire one, sadly), and Grimes slams Supreme on a ladder which is on barbed wire while is on lightbulbs. Hell, throw a tank of shark and a vicious pack of WWF lawyers in there too for total spot overkill while you’re at it. In the ring, Supreme gets a sort-of belly-to-belly and he goes up the ladder at ringside, SLIPS off the top, and hits his head on the ring apron on the way down, looking like a total Fred Ottman the whole time. God to Supreme: Try insurance instead, the benefits are better. Supreme recovers and declines a “Use My Nipple ClampsÃ¢â‚¬Â sign at ringside. So THAT’S where Michael Cole goes on weekends. Back in, Supreme chairs Grimes and sets up a HUGE ladder. Rob Black then, of course, tips it over, Supreme takes the Big Bump, and Grimes pins him at 12:06. 2 hot pokers up Black’s ass for that contrived final spot. DUD, as almost NOTHING in the entire match hit.
– Messiah and Rob Black head to the ring to defend that wacky King of the Deathmatches belt against tonight’s champion, Grimes. But I guess Black had a tape of Nitro in the VCR last, because they do the FINGERPOKE OF DOOM angle and they fooled us all, har har har, blah blah blah. Supreme comes out and gets punked out, and New Jack makes the save. 30 hot pokers up Black’s ass for recycling one of the most universally reviled angles ever thought up.
The Bottom Line: I hope Black has some nice aloe vera cream around the house to put on that ass, because it’s been burned to a crisp.
If you get off on guys taking crazy bumps onto sick objects, get the REAL King of the Deathmatch tournament from IWA Japan, with Mick Foley, Terry Funk and the rest of that zany gang. If you want crap and plenty of it, though, this puppy is the tape for you.
I just don’t know where some people get the idea I don’t like XPW