Welcome to a special TheSmarks exclusive, as I finally type in a rant that was done a couple of weeks ago. The wonders of switching to a morning shift after years of nights
It amazes me that people always request this show as though my opinion of it was somehow a big secret. Well, I’m armed with a bag of Doritos and a tall glass of iced tea, so we bite the bullet and get started
Just to show you what we’re dealing with here, the following disclaimer is played before the show:
“The program you are about to see is a first in World Championship Wrestling. The following pay-per-view event, Uncensored, has been established due to the many grudges and differences which have developed between wrestlers over the past few months. With this in mind, the WCW Board of Governors has the following statement: Every match at Uncensored will occur without the sanction of the WCW board. The following matches have been agreed upon by all involved and will be held solely to settle any personal disputes. Get ready for a professional wrestling event like none other .it’s now time for WCW Unauthorized, Unsanctioned and UNCENSORED.”
Wow, almost makes you think it’ll be an interesting show, huh? BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH
– Live from Tupelo, Misssisiiippiiisssssiiippipiipi
– Your hosts are Tony & Bobby.
– Opening match: Dustin Rhodes v. Blacktop Bully. Oh yeah, this is a KING OF THE ROAD match, which means that rather than take place in the ring, the match occurs in the back of a moving truck. Yes, kids, someone actually got money to think of this brilliant idea. The truck is being followed by another truck carrying several cameras, as well as a Turner helicopter with yet another camera angle. Did the fact that NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT BLACKTOP BULLY completely elude the braintrust when they thought of this? How did this company ever make money? Voodoo magic seems to be the only explanation I can think of. The idea, such as it is, is that you have to go from one side of the truck to the other and blow a horn. Insert Goldust joke here. The truck is lined with hay, which of course is used as a weapon at various points. Nothing of note happens for the first five minutes (they’re in a truck, what do you think is gonna happen? – they walk back and forth a lot) then Dustin changes his whole career path by blading against the orders of WCW management, and the Bully follows suit. Sadly, the WWF only wanted one of them. The highspots here involve the truck turning. Seriously. The editing is so bizarre that it’s like someone gave David Lynch the mixing board and said “Make it ridiculous, and make it incomprehensible”. Look, now it’s day! Look, now it’s night! Look, now it’s day again! I keep waiting for Laura Palmer to be revealed as the driver, but it never comes. Dustin’s shirt disappears, then re-appears again, then disappears again. The “match” drags on and on. They battle up top and Dustin falls off, allowing Bully to pull the horn for the win at 13:06. That must have been THRILLING for the live crowd. -***
– Martial arts match: Meng v. Hacksaw Duggan. Sonny Onoo, before he meant anything, is YOUR special referee. An argument over who should bow to who wastes some time. A lot of it. I mean, A LOT OF TIME. Duggan finally bows and Meng cheapshots him. Duggan takes off his boot and uses it as a weapon, but MENG IS UNSTOPPABLE! Tony underlines the importance of can be ABSOLUTELY NO DISQUALIFICATIONS TONIGHT. And they MEAN IT, BABY. So keep that in mind later. Meng dominates. Resting abounds. I don’t quite see where the “martial arts” stipulation comes in exactly, unless one counts the deadly art of “resthold-fu”. Duggan comes back with the three-point stance, which is no-sold by Meng. Superkick finishes at 7:03. Thank you, Meng. DUD
– Arn Anderson promo.
– Boxer v. Wrestler match: Johnny B. Badd v. Arn Anderson. Win is by pinfall, submission or knockout. Round one: Johnny stays back and jabs a lot. Arn is overwhelmed. Round two: Arn goes for the takedown, but gets jaw-jacked. He gets a quick takedown, but ends up on his back again for another 8-count. Johnny’s pretty stiff in there. Down again, another standing 8. If this were sanctioned, this would be over. But it’s UNCENSORED, BABY! Tony astutely points that out. Arn jumps Badd during the rest period and DDTs him, and it really picks up. He dumps him over the top to begin Round three. Now is Inoki had tried that against Ali, he might have won. Arn cheats like nuts and beats the crap out of him. Spinebuster, but Johnny’s trainer jumps on his back. Badd fights back, but Col. Parker lays in some shorts. Johnny’s trainer cuts off Badd’s glove during the rest period. Round four: Arn threatens the trainer, so he puts the water bucket over Arn’s head, and Johnny KO’s him at 0:33 of the fourth round. Big pop for it. This is definitely in the “guilty pleasure” category for me, so don’t go giving me shit over this one. ***
– Macho Man interview: He’s still constipated, oh yeah!
– Randy Savage v. Avalanche. As always tonight, this is a NO-DISQUALIFICATION MATCH, something explicitly stated by Tony before the match. Savage can’t knock him down because he’s JUST TOO FAT. Avalanche charges and lands on the floor, and Savage hits a tope. Dumbass Savage tries a slam, you know what happens next. Avalanche slowly dominates as they brawl outside. Savage makes the inevitable comeback with the usual, but gets squished trying a sunset flip. Big fat splash misses and Savage comes back again and gets attacked by a woman who jumps out of the audience. She’s awfully butch, and in fact bears a striking resemblance to Ric Flair. Yup, this is the infamous “Ric Flair in drag match”. Savage is, logically, awarded the DQ at 11:46. IN A NO-DQ MATCH.
– Sting v. Big Bubba Rogers. The Guardian Angels were getting nervous about having their name associated with wrestling, so ol’ Ray Traylor gets another character makeover, back to Big Bubba this time. Sting manhandles Bubba to start, slamming him easily and countering all of his offense. He eventually leapfrogs Bubba, buggering his knee on the landing. Bubba works the knee. Ho hum. Sting is pretty much dead. Tony starts reeling off a canonical list of Sting’s knee injuries, complete with dates, times, opponents, doctors visited, and approximate area of the knee injured. And now he can’t even remember that Lenny Lane used to be the cruiserweight champion. I think we need a study of the effects of pork rinds on the memory. Sting carefully makes the comeback, limping the whole time. Press slam and sleeper, broken with a tie-assisted jawbreaker. Sting pulls out a vicious released german suplex (Bubba takes it LIKE A MAN!) and the flying splash for two. The knee is still gimpy, and Bubba clips him. Blind charge misses and Sting goes for a slam, but the knee collapses and Bubba gets the CLEAN (!!!) pin at 13:39. Not entirely worthless, thus proving Sting was a miracle worker. **
– Texas Tornado match: Harlem Heat v. The Nasty Boys. The Heat attacks from the crowd. Punching and kicking to start. The Heat gets a quick spike piledriver on Knobbs. Crowd is dead. Booker gets jumped outside and the Nasties take time out to give Sherri a Pitstop. Garbage gets involved. And up the aisle we go. They find a conveniently placed concession stand, about 200 feet away from any fans, and “brawl”. COTTON CANDY! COTTON CANDY! COTTON CANDY! They all slip and slide on refreshments and do goofy food-related spots. The whole thing is a tribute to the original Tupelo concession stand brawl from the 70s, which of course NO ONE in the crowd probably even remembers. Sherri joins in freely, and she’s still in her “resurgent hottie” period, and for those who think I maintain the “Sherri is the ugliest woman alive” stance all the time, I was quite impressed with her looks during her Harlem Heat period. The entire concession stand is levelled, and a pinfall apparently takes place, but the crack WCW camera crew was elsewhere. Par for the course tonight. Replay shows Knobbs pinning Booker T at 8:50. The match was quite possibly one of the worst brawls ever, but made for an interesting visual. -**
– Strap match: Hulk Hogan v. Vader. But is it a YAPPAPI strap match? Oh, yeah, almost forgot: Hogan debuts his “ultimate surprise” here: The Renegade. Out of respect for the dead, I’ll leave it there. I feel my IQ lowering by the second, at any rate. Hogan chokes and bites Vader to start. He whips Vader, and Flair. Flair runs away from Renegade like an idiot. God bless Flair for being willing to put ANYONE over. Thre’s no ref, because it’s UNCENSORED, BABY! Vader takes over and hits the Vader bomb. Renegade yells a lot. They brawl outisde, and Hogan delivers some pansy-assed chair shots. The camera goes wide for all of them, which is good because kids might watch and start doing those pussy chairshots at home and school and get beat up for being a wuss as a result. Back in the ring, and Hogan comes back as it becomes rapidly apparent that Vader no longer has any interest in the match. I can relate. Hogan drags Vader around to three corners outside. Back in, Vader gets a chokeslam. Hogan no-sells a devastating vertical suplex and does the usual. He gets three turnbuckles, but yet ANOTHER masked man attacks Renegade, allowing flair & Vader to double-team Hogan. Vader misses a splash, so Flair shatters the BALSA WOOD CHAIR OF DEATH over Hogan. Hogan hulks up, ties the strap on Flair, and drags HIM to all four corners for the win at 18:21. Say it with me WHATEVER. -** Heenan questions the legality of that, but
A) It’s UNCENSORED, BABY!
B) I’m just glad the match is over.
For those who are still here and paying attention, the masked man is unmasked to be Randy Savage, and he helps out Hogan and Renegade, as Arn Anderson (also dressed as a masked man) hobbles out of the dressing room to reveal that Hogan’s team has outsmarted Flair’s team. All those who give a shit, say “aye”. Didn’t think so.
The Bottom Line: The show is brutally bad, but it’s brutally bad in a Vince Russoish car crash sort of way, rather than WCW’s usual brutally boring sort of bad.
That’s probably about the nicest thing I can think of to say about this show, and as my mother always says, if you can’t say anything nice about a show, don’t say anything at all
