– Live from Sturgis, South Dakota
– Your hosts are Tony, Mike and Bobby.
– Opening match: Meng v. Barbarian. AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! Actually, it’s not too terrible or anything. Barbarian pulls a couple of nice suplexes on Meng, but really everyone is moving faster than normal. But it goes on waaaaay too long. But Barbarian turns around at the wrong time and gets hits with the TONGAN DEATH GRIP! Yeah, whatever. * Hugh Morrus and Barbarian double-team Meng until Jim Duggan makes the save. Good thing he was there in his wrestling tights just in case he was needed for an emergency save like that.
– Disco Inferno & Alex Wright v. The Public Enemy . Luckily we’re all getting near a good blood alcohol level going at this point. HSB takes note of Wright’s “package” but no one else notices. Some crappy wrestling and suddenly a trash can gets brought in and Rocco Rock runs back to get a ladder and suddenly the announcers declare it an “anything goes street fight”. HSB continues his analysis of Wright’s assets. So now Disco goes back to get some stuff and then TPE goes and gets a kitchen sink and toilet seat and a typical weak WCW garbage match breaks out. No blood, cookie sheets as weapons, you know the routine. Tokyo Magnum gets involved too, of course. Alex Wrights gets hit by Tokyo by accident and walks. Tokyo follows. Disco is alone with Public Enemy and they set up a table spot which literally takes 10 minutes and involves putting Disco through three tables. Would have been nicer had Disco not had to lie around for 10 minutes. Tokyo runs in and tries to break up the pin but misses and the pin is academic. *1/2
– Raven v. Saturn v. Kanyon. Lodi does his Bob Dylan impression. Kanyon and Saturn do TOTAL ELIMINATION! Whoa! Saturn and Kanyon do some nice spots and then break up the pin on Raven when the other goes for it. Crowd is pretty dead. They fight onto the rampway (which is painted to look like asphalt) and Tony acts like it really is asphalt. They do some more weak brawling spots. They work in the triple sleeper spot, of course. Raven and Kanyon brawl outside and Kanyon climbs the scaffolding but misses the splash. Lodi and Boulder get involved and in the chaos Saturn hits the DVD on Raven for the win. Had the spots but not much else. **
– Psicosis v. Rey Mysterio Jr. Winner gets a title shot. Okay, this could be good. The alcohol is also kicking in at this point so I’m not really in a clear state of mind. :) Really slow start. This is the equivalent of Meng-Barbarian for these guys with lots of stalling and playing to the crowd. HSB stages a match between my STOMP Steve Austin figure and Megatron (Beast Wars version) to stave off boredom. Austin whoops Megatron’s ass. This match is SO FUCKING BORING. Finally Rey makes a comeback and hits a couple of nice highspots. New move: Corkscrew Rockerdropper. Rey with the springboard rana and drives Psicosis’ head right into the mat. Ugly. Rey gets the win. *1/2
– TV title match: Stevie Ray v. Chavo Guerrero Jr. White bikers raising the roof is a scary sight. Chavo is nuts, we get it. Chavo runs around the ring for a few minutes, then gets caught with a Slapjack about two minutes in for the pin. DUD. Stevie tries to beat him up more and Eddy makes the save. What a f*cking waste.
– Rick Steiner v. Scott Steiner. No, JJ is out to let Rick know that the match won’t take place because Scott is injured. Buff wheels Scott out on a gurney with a few casts and an oxygen mask. JJ announces a hidden clause in the contract that states they will have to wrestle at Fall Brawl. Crowd chants “bullshit”. So do we.
– Bryan Adams v. Steve McMichaels. If Juvy-Jericho isn’t **** at least, then this is the single worst PPV ever. This was so bad it was getting into comedy match territory, including the worst ref bump in history. Mongo with the shitty piledriver for the pin. -**** This rating was based on HSB picking a number between 1 and 5 and adding a negative.
– Cruiserweight title match: Chris Jericho v. Juvy Guerrera. This the make-or-break match for this show: If this is less than ****, this makes worst PPV ever. Jericho is in samurai dress, which may or may not be a good sign. Jericho seriously pisses off the bikers by making reference to Honda. Juvy with some pretty decent spots in the earlygoing. Ladies and gentlemen, this ain’t ****. Lots of resting and stalling. Jericho misses the Lionsault and Juvy mounts the comeback. Jericho with a double-powerbomb. That was cool. More stalling. Juvy driver for two. Jericho crotches Juvy on the 450 attempt. Superplex for two. Rana into Liontamer but Juvy’s in the ropes. Jericho and Malenko argue. Juvy goes after Jericho but pokes Deano in the eyes by mistake. Jericho nails him with the belt for two. Jericho ends up on the top rope and kicks Malenko in the head, so Malenko alley-oops Juvy to the top rope for the frankensteiner and the pin. Malenko decks Jericho after the match, which will probably be the overturning decision. ***
– Let the bullshit begin!
– nWo battle royale: HSB says hi to Memery. So does the rest of the CMA. They’re all drunker than Scott Hall anyway. Participants for the nWo Hollywood: Scott “Last Call” Hall, The Giant, Curt Hennig, Scott Norton. Scott takes a little survey. Participants for the Wolfpac: Kevin Nash, Sting, Lex Luger and Gonnad. Participants for Goldberg: Goldberg. Scott Hall gets dumped by Goldberg and Nash puts himself out to follow and beat him up. More kicking and punching follows in the ring as the crowd chants for Goldberg. Goldberg spears and dumps Konnan. Hennig almost eliminates Goldberg. Wouldn’t Hennig make a good corporate champion? Goldberg dumps Hennig, then Norton and Sting, then Luger. But Giant chokeslams him and he does a zombie situp. Spear, jackhammer, pin. So Goldberg just got put over every major contender in WCW in ONE FUCKING MATCH???? *1/2
– Oh god please end this show now.
– I’ve had four hard lemonades and I’m still far too sober to be watching this bullshit. I start working on a fifth as we head to the alleged main event.
– Hulk Hogan & Eric Bischoff v. DDP & Jay Leno. We have roughly 15 minutes of airtime left so hopefully this won’t be too painful. Oh, who am I kidding? Team Leno uses the Tonight Show music. I can’t believe they’re actually going through with this. Bischoff has those, ahem, cool pants and boots like he had at Starrcade 97. DDP and Hogan start. Hogan bails and gets beat up by Kevin Eubanks. Yeah, right. I need more to drink. Hogan does his cheap heel moves (back scratch, choke, etc). DDP actually sells Eric’s shitty kicks. Leno in. Bischoff runs in fear and tags Hogan. Now Hogan is the “legendary” Hollywood Hogan. Leno makes fun of Hogan’s hairline. DDP back in. DDP works on the arm and Leno in with a full amrdrag and twist. Double clothesline. DDP plays Ricky Morton. Hogan pops DDP with an international object and Bischoff gets a two count. Then, finally, the hot tag to Leno and it’s the exciting Leno-Bischoff confrontation. Leno with a lowblow and a pair of weak rights. Leno is trying, I’ll give him that. Chaos ensues and Eubanks hits a Diamond Cutter on Bischoff, and Leno gets the pin. Well, it was better than last month’s show. 3/4*
– An nWo beatdown ensues until Goldberg makes the save. The Jew World Order celebrates to end the show.
The Bottom Line:
I’m not one to throw around lines like “The Worst PPV ever” but I think this was it. Nothing redeeming whatsoever. Maybe the CW title was watchable, but the rest was total shit.
Hey, f*ck you WCW.
