The SmarK Retro Repost – Bash At The Beach 99


– Live from Fort Lauderdale, FL

– Your hosts are the Usual Idiots.

– Reader Joe Petrow was nice enough to point out that Mark Madden’s July 2nd column on is pretty much a direct rip-off my 1989 Retro Rant. Nice to see you’re earning your paycheque, Mark.

– If DJ Ran doesn’t get the f*ck out of my area, I’m going to sue him.

– Mike Tenay is ON LOCATION, BABY, in the junkyard. He explains that it is, in fact, a junkyard, just in case there are any TOTAL retards watching tonight.

– Ernest Miller video package means that the opening match is…

– Opening match: Ernest Miller v. Disco Inferno. Special stipulation for this match: There is no stipulation. Okay, so the match is TOTALLY USELESS, then. That’s a great start. BUT WAIT! First, we have another dance contest. Match starts, Miller stalls. And stalls. Disco gets the advantage but rolls out of the ring and gets the crap kicked out of him by Sonny Onoo. I tells ya, if I had a million years to think of a better opener than this, I don’t think I could. Nope. This could be a main event in any arena in the country. IN THE COUNTRY, I SAY! Disco does a good enough job of carrying Miller, blocking the RED SLIPPER OF DOOM and hitting him with it, but Onoo is distracting the ref, so Miller gets it back, hits Disco with it, and gets the pin. Welcome to hell, Disco. **

– World TV title match: Rick Steiner v. Van Hamburger. Kick and punch, and they fight outside the ring. Steiner gives Hammer an alleged DDT on the concrete. Gee, that didn’t look the least bit fake. Back in the ring and it’s so quiet you can almost hear crickets. Hammer hits Steiner with a chair and a flying clothesline to get some brief offense, but Steiner kicks him in the nuts about 14 times in full view of the ref, bites him in the groin (which I REALLY didn’t need to see) and then hits the neckbreaking bulldog for the pin. Ugh. 1/4*

– Mike Tenay is at The Junkyard (their capitalization, not mine) with the ref, who has a trophy marked “Hardcore Champion”. Gee, you don’t think that thing will get smashed, do you? A trophy, smashed? In a WRESTLING MATCH? Nah.

– US title match: David Flair v. Dean Malenko. Let’s see, we’ve got Ric, Little Naitch, Asya, AA and Torrie at ringside. Think they’ll interfere? Nah. And I thought Torrie was banging Poochie in the storyline? What’s she doing back here Dean destroys David in less than a minute, but EVERYONE runs in, you guess the rest. What a f*cking pile of shit. At least the announcers are acknowledging what a farce this nonsense is. I refuse to even dignify this with a rating.

– Elimination tag match: Hennig, Windham, Windham & Duncam v. Gonnad, Mini-Me, Swoll and BA. But first we run through THE ENTIRE VIDEO for Rap is Crap. The live version from Nitro is cued up, but we suddenly cut back to David Penzer prepping the crowd. Oops. The crowd is dead, not even singing along with Gonnad. Oh, man, WCW has got a serious problem here if they don’t turn the Country Boyz. Swoll was apparently trained by Brad Reingeins. If so, he did a horrible job. Good pace to start with Rey-Rey hitting the Broncobuster on Kendall a couple of minutes in. Duncam tags in and quickly gets pinned by Swoll. The heroic babyface No Limit Soliders beat the shit out of him on the way back to the dressing room. Hennig and BradAss have a quick selling contest before a Perfectplex knocks BA out. Well, I thought he’d go first. I was off by one. Kendall and Konnan have a sad little bit that ends with Konnan rolling him up for the pin. Again, your babyfaces beat on Kendall all the way back. Barry beats on Konnan for a while getting some two counts, but they fight outside the ring and get counted out…as Chase carries Barry away. Hello, isn’t that a DQ? So we have Hennig against Swoll and Rey Rey. Rey dives off Swoll’s shoulders (nice visual) for the pin. What a bunch of cheaters. Good start, but it got bad real fast. **1/4

– Junkyard Hardcore Invitational Match: Would a LIGHT SOURCE have killed them? It’s so dark you can barely tell what’s going on. I mean, how are you supposed to follow what’s going on? There’s about 15 guys in a huge space. It’s impossible to keep track or tell any kind of story. This might be entertaining with, say, 4 people, but as it is the camera just kind of jumps from spot to spot. Rocco Rock makes the first attempt to escape, but gets stopped by Horace. Did I mention the exit is way off in the distance away from the main battleground, so the guys have to do the “I have your hair so you have to follow me” spot to get there. Then, in an “action-adventure” moment, Fit gets shoved in the trunk of a car, which a handy forklift then attempts to put into a compactor. But Fit escapes, lucky him, and the car gets put into the compactor…and explodes. Oh, give me a f*cking break. And people say the WWF does stupid stuff? Fit gets to the fence and escapes to win the prestigious trophy. I refuse to rate this nonsense.

– Another lengthy video package (just how much time has been wasted with those tonight, anyway?) sets up…

– WCW World tag titles: The Triad v. Benoit & Saturn. Well, it’s a WCW PPV, so Benoit is jobbing. I think we’ve all learned to deal with that reality by now. Slugfest to start, won by Saturn. Bobby takes a shot at Edmonton, the bastard. Benoit cleans house and the Triad bails. Have I mentioned how retarded the three-man rule is? Bobby notes that Kanyon will be a huge start someday. Yeah, but it’ll probably in the WWF when he jumps once his contract is up. Benoit beats on Kanyon with a wicked snap suplex (Prince WHO?) and a Liontamer. I guess now that Jericho is gone he’s allowed to use it again. Benoit and Saturn utilize a QUADRUPLE SNOT BLOW OF DOOM on Kanyon. Kanyon is kind of playing heel in peril here. Sweet spot as the faces give Kanyon the double leg split, and then Saturn dropkicks him right in the face. Excellent. Finally the Triad lure Saturn onto their side and triple-team him to take the advantage. Fans seem preoccupied with something going on in the crowd, so Bigelow clamps on a chinlock until whatever is going on ends. An “asshole” chant follows, so I can only assume someone got tossed out by an unpopular security official. Saturn gets a belly-to-belly on Kanyon off the top and makes the hot tag to Benoit, who fights off Kanyon and Bigelow but gets taken out by DDP. Again, this three-man thing is RETARDED. Benoit plays Ricky Morton for a while as the crowd chants “asshole” again, this time at the Triad. Good double-teaming from the Triad, and we get the false tag to Saturn, which allows DDP to hit a nasty powerbomb as Saturn gets escorted out. Again, a commotion in the crowd distracts attention from the match. Finally, Saturn gets the hot tag after a missed Lunasault, and we’ve got a pier-six brawl. Benoit and Saturn get a top rope legdrop-top rope headbutt combo on Bigelow, DDP makes the save. Saturn with a Northern Lights suplex for two, and the ref gets bumped. Kanyon tosses powder in, and a bunch of people get it. DDP diamond cuts Kanyon by mistake and Benoit gets two. German suplex on DDP gets two. Ref gets bumped AGAIN, DDP brings in a garbage can, they hit the finisher, ref revives and counts the pin on Saturn. Well, at least Benoit didn’t job. Sigh. I sense the hand of Dusty in booking this, however. ***3/4

– Boxing match: Roddy Piper v. Buff Bagwell. Buff’s gloves are numbered “1” and “2”, presumably so he’ll remember which hand they go on. And then Bagwell…brings out his MOTHER? Oh, f*ck, WHAT ARE THEY THINKING? Oh my god, please kill me now. The “match”, as it is, is a badly-cheoreographed, fake-looking farce. Piper gets a “knockdown” in the first round off a shot that misses by a mile. Flair rubs something on Piper’s gloves between rounds, which blinds Bagwell. It should be noted that if this was a real boxing match, they’d have broken about 12 basic rules by now. Round three: Judy bites Piper’s ear and puts the water bucket on his head, and Buff hits the Blockbuster for the pin. You know, I was almost afraid that they’d do the 1992 Scotty Flamingo v. Johnny B Badd ending with Piper soaking his glove in the water bucket, but this is EVEN WORSE, if that’s possible. May I repeat, WHAT ARE THEY THINKING? And again, I refuse to rate this nonsense.

– Another lengthy video package to create the illusion of continuity.

– World title match: Kevin Nash & Sting v. Sid & Savage. You know, about the only way to tank this show further would be to put the title on Randy Savage. We shall see. Buffer notes that this is the first time in the history of pro wrestling that a World champ is putting his title on the line in a tag match. That’s right, there’s never been a World title on the line in a tag match before, especially not in a tag match involving Kevin Nash. For the sake of argument, we’re of course assuming that In Your House III never happened. Everyone in this match is so over that the crowd just has to chant “Goldberg”. George wanders over to Nash’s corner before we start, thus indicating that she will turn on him before the match is over. Sting gets beat on by Sid and Savage to start, and Sid works in the SHITTY CAMEL CLUTCH OF DEATH not five minutes in. This is like watching the Special Olympics. Nash tags in and cleans house with his four offensive moves. Crowd is just bored silly. Nash is such a Test wannabe. Family entertainment note: George has a black eye. Sting comes back in and fights with Savage outside, and of course no good ever comes of that. Back in the ring and Sid, hero of workrate nazis everywhere, slaps on a deadly chinlock. No, seriously, were they TRYING to make the match this bad? Sting works in his “pass out and headbutt the guy in the groin” spot, which the camera conveniently shows missing by a mile. Nash, hero of millions, gets the hot tag and does the same four moves again, and a brawl breaks out. Sting takes out Madusa and Miss Madness. Sting splashes everyone but gets chokeslammed by Sid. And now of course George “swerves” us and turns on Nash, hitting a half-assed ballshot. Crowd chants for Goldberg again. This is just beyond sad. Sid slams Nash…and Savage hits the elbow for the pin?!? Oh, f*ck, what a crock of shit. They put the f*cking title on RANDY SAVAGE? And we didn’t even find out who the hummer driver was. Kill me now. DUD

The Bottom Line: What do you add? This show sucked in ways I didn’t think it was possible for a wrestling show to suck. I couldn’t even rate three of the matches because they were outside the envelope of watchability!

Bring back Goldberg. PLEASE. Anyone but the guys at the top right now. Well, except Hulk Hogan, but I’m sure we’ll get HIM at Road Wild anyway.

Thumbs way the f*ck down.