The Saturday Matinee News Report 10.05.02

Howdy and welcome to The Saturday Matinee, I’m Flea. No format today for the news, which goes against the grain, but at the moment I just feel like rambling. So today will be a dreaded and lazy “random thoughts column. I have never done one of these, but from the looks of things, it can’t be that hard. Hell, JR gets away with it every week in his Ross Report, so what is good enough for him is good enough for me, regardless of what I have written about him in past columns. One thing I would like to point out is original thought is dead. NOTHING is original anymore, regardless of what you believe. That’s why I have always subscribed to BLATANT THEFT of idears and generally working it into my own warped perception. That does not make it original, just something that is from a personal point of view. After thousands of years of higher thought by a species one step up the ladder from a f*cking ape, that’s all that can be expected. Unless you have a hang up about evolution – in that case it’s all God’s fault that anything not human lacks a thumb and the ability to form conscious thoughts. Except for the primates, as a chimpanzee jerking his dick at the zoo is obviously a form of higher thought and planning. By the way, I believe Hyatte has made the analogy of comics vs. wrestling so has Netcop. Not that it really matters in the spectrum of life, just saying

Let’s get to it .

The Great Hogan Conspiracy is full of Lies, Holes and Egos –

There was a time where Hulk Hogan “shooting” on the Bubba the Love Sponge show was scoffed at by EVERYONE, if only because Hogan is full of shit and his head is a solid turd. NOT ONE THING he has said on that show has come to fruition, as he normally combines his delusions about the wrestling business with his egotistical view of himself, which translates into, well, a bunch of horseshit, normally. So, the rumor breaks last week that something was up with Hogan’s contract – whether or not it is expired, if he is still disputing his payoffs, and whether or not there was even a contract to begin with! Rumors of a “handshake deal” made the front page of various websites “inside scoop” on the whole thing, while the only voice that appeared to be on target was Da Meltz (he simply stated that anyone who thinks Hogan doesn’t have a valid contract doesn’t know shit). Low and behold Hogan himself went on Bubba’s show and validated the whole “handshake story” and it’s taken as GOSPEL! “Why would Hogan lie?” is what I have read, attempting to stifle my howling laughter. I have been to a dozen rodeos,

several cow ropings and at least one or two ape-rapings, but I NEVER thought I would see the day when anyone would attempt to validate their cockimamie arguments with what comes out of Hogans mouth as “truth” much less when he says it on the freakin Bubba the Love Sponge show. WWE’s website as well as JR himself are refuting any and all rumors on this topic and I imagine will provide the contract in Acrobat Reader format, if the going gets Tough Enough. Well, they may not go that far, but the important thing to remember is that WWE is a publicly traded company and the idea that they would be in a “handshake agreement” with a talent on Hogan’s level is just absurd. But “soruces do say” so you really knows. And who really cares? I thought everyone hated Hogan anyway.

*** 10am update – Scherer just posted a “retraction” and blamed everything on an inaccurate reader report. Oh, and not being able to “call” WWE personally on the issue. But he knew the “real” story the whole time. What ever happened to checking things before posting them? Color me shocked. Speaking of which, the latest “theory that will be evolved into fact” is that HHH is using his “power” to keep out Big Bad Booty Daddy Scott Steiner. All I can say about that bullshit is consider the source.

Raw and lack of effort, Smackdown and the right track, equal ain’t equal, that title hasn’t meant a damn thing in years and why isn’t HHH using all his “power” to make Smackdown a lousy show? –

Those dreaded “ratings” have appeared to stabilize for both shows – RAW has settled around a mid 3 cable rating, while Smackdown’s task of facing stiff Thursday competition has been going as well as can be expected. The important thing is the latter show has been marvelous entertainment over the last 3 weeks, which goes back to what I have been saying forever – big ratings are not always indicative of how good the show is. If Smackdown had done a 1.5, it wouldn’t have changed the fact that Edge had probably one of the best singles matches of his life or that Rey and Benoit are absolute gold in the ring together. So the Smackdown “brand” appears to have a life of it’s own, headed presumably by everyone’s favorite “genius” Paul E.

Raw, on the other hand, continues to be the whipping post of the two brands. I don’t think the last couple shows have been “horrible” and some folks say, but now that Smackdown appears to be a measuring stick for wrestling on TV at this point, Raw has not picked up the pace. But they are trying, says everyone involved. Raw is also burdened with that “scourge” of a human being, HHH, who according to the conspiracy theorists has everything wrapped around his finger and NO ONE will ascend to his level! In other words, the same f*cking argument every Net Knucklehead has been crying like a bitch about for the last 2 years. Think about this one –

Smackdown is the better of the two shows Stephanie is in charge of Smackdown why would HHH want to be associated with a “loser” show like Raw, when he could simply use all that “power” that he has to go to the “better” show? Oh yeah, his incredible ego is fed by being the center of attention on Raw’s flagship show. And damn, he has even talked Vince into getting rid of the Intercontental Title, so that he can be the “only” title holder on the show. This all is making more and more sense to me

Just to let you in on something, the IC Title hasn’t meant a f*cking thing since Austin “forefited” the title to Rock, instead of doing a legit j.o.b before moving along to his Main Event push. At whole bunch of people have been crying the blues about how this title “led to so many classic matches” which it did, but only by default. Hell, when the ladder match between HBK and Hall took place there were TWO belts. It’s simply be a placeholder belt for someone on the verge of stardom, but who needs just that last little bit of “overness” to be a Main Eventer. Nothing wrong with that but let’s not get all sentimental now that the title is going away. Austin killed any meaning the belt had, not HHH.

The tentative schedule for No Mercy will be Kane and H to unify things and Brock vs. UT “Hell in The Cell”. If you want to get technical about things, Kane has been featured on all advertisement leading into the PPV, so we shouldn’t be surprised he is co-main eventing. On the other hand, I’m shocked they are pulling out the HITC gimmick with so little buildup, but if they want to put Lesnar over HUGE, beating UT in the Cell is about the best way to do it, seeing as the “casket match” is as dead as Rick Rude and no one has the tolerance for a “Buried Alive” match these days. I have a feeling the result will go Lesnar’s way this time – no way their going to drag this out for ANOTHER PPV.

The “competing shows: idea is looking better and better each week – next week, we get the “Raw Roulette” wheel, proving that WWE is not only stealing my idea of gambling, but are using my favorite game to do it. I’ll just let this one slide as a coincidence and hope for an Inferno Match between Trish and a bottle of lighter fluid. Or maybe a bikini contest between Goldust and Randy Orton. Maybe I have those reversed, I’ll let you know next week after the Fed steals more stuff from me.

More Bass Fishing and the tall tale of two left feet will go into the annals of Vince’s story and sticking to it

The harassment lawsuit filed by freak of nature Nicole Bass vs. WWE continues to make the papers everyday as Vince is now carting out the troops to knock the lawsuit into Deadsville. Ivory and Jacqueline testified this week, saying Bass is full of shit and the ubiquitous HHH also made an appearance, refuting Bass’s charges and even revisiting his relationship with the other man beast, Chyna. The greatest thing about this is that EVERYONE has fallen into line with Vince’s original contention that Bass was “uncoordinated” and therefore had no future in the business anyway. You have got to love that Vince has everyone in line on this one, and for once, it’s the actual God’s Honest Truth. I don’t remember at the moment how long this is supposed to keep dragging on, but it just keeps getting worse and worse for Mr. Bass. I’m still waiting for Brooklyn Brawler to say what’s up as he was the focal point of one of the charges. Update on this story next week, as usual

NWA-TNA gets good news in the form of a syndicate –

According to their website, NWA-TNA, effective this Tuesday, will be available on various syndicated stations around the country, using their allotted time to present a 60 minute “recap” style of program, pimping the idea that it’s worth $10 to watch their PPV programs. Good for them and best of luck, even though I quit watching the show after Week 5. The recaps sound like they are going in a strange direction, doing some racial angles that are “over the line” as far as shock value is concerned. At least that’s what I have been reading. It’s sorta funny that BOB is keeping his mouth shut about this kind of stuff, but I’m not all that surprised. I also looked around to see if anyone had a comprehensive list of stations that will carry the syndicated show, but no dice. But if it’s free, it’s for me, so I’m sure I’ll watch it if it’s on. By the way, if anyone has a list of stations send it to BOSS or Hashish – on the newsline it will go!

THE BREADLESS HORSEMAN

Flea: i sawr in the lounge today that the”funniest joke in the world” has been determined

Hyatte: was it the one where every time I see Stevie Ray on TV I throw my wallet and my girlfriend at the screen?

Business picks up and it appears that a little jealousy is already starting to rear its ugly head –

411 is now officially the Number One independent wrestling website on the web, according to the stats and an email from Hashish that told me so. I would just like to say how proud I am of both Widro and Ashish for busting their ass and having a coherent and clear mission in mind. That, of course does not sit well with certain people, which is not all that surprising, considering that jealousy is a very easy emotion to fall back on, especially when it masks you own faults and insecurities. Also, success breeds contempt, something that I am very well aware of but couldn’t give a flying f*ck less about – much less what YOU think about it. The major complaint is that 411 doesn’t do their own “reporting”, simply using other “sources” as the basis for what appears on the most read “NEWSLINE” in the wrestling website community. I have four words for you:

“compiled from wire reports”

It appears in every one of your local papers and is a common source of news. Not everyone gets inside – even though some of us do have sources – and just because certain people “claim” to be on the inside, look how often their “sources” are wrong. But do those “reporters” ever take the blame for false rumors, innuendos and their own self serving motives behind said rumors? Of course not. So I figure their lack of integrity trumps the fact that their reports are used on the “newsline” and therefore makes it ok. If you think that’s a bad thing, that’s your own problem and no one really cares about you anyway, much less your opinions.

On that note, I think I will call this a wrap. Things will be back to normal next week, I guess. Just remember that kissing someone’s ass is a one way street and if you ever have any hopes of remuneration you are probably a hopeless romantic

This has been The Saturday Matinee and I’m Flea.