I hope all of you checked out last week’s News Release. My new, new, NEW column right here on 411. It’s nice to be able to talk about something other than wrestling, although some would argue that I don’t talk enough about wrestling here. I say, if you want wrestling talk, go read my music column, where I talk about nothing but wrestling in my music news column. This is just to screw with the heads of everyone who works for the site.
I have lived in a bubble this week, so I really have nothing to talk about.
Other than Alf out acting Hogan in new 1-800-COLLECT commercials.
If you folks like the stuff that I put out from week to week, feel free to fulfill any item on my Holiday Wishlist. See if you can unseat the current best fan ever, who sent me the entire run of the State on two tapes.
Raw
Opening interview sets up the HBK/HeMan re-rematch for Sunday. It will be Two/Three falls. First a Street Fight, Second a cage, and third a Ladder. Well, not only does HeMan get to unseat the champ, he gets to unseat the champ in a match he made famous. Either that, or the entire locker room will come down to hold HeMan down while Shawn climbs the ladder. Either way, HeMan will come out looking better.
Bookerdust lost to Regal and Storm after which, Goldust delivered a “I’m holding you Back Booker,†promo which was pretty good. It seems like, hopefully, they’re finally giving this team something to do which is also good because it gives Booker something to do other than come out and do Spinaroonies which, while fun, is not exactly the best way to use him for the current ratings slide. Later, Booker convinced Dustin to stay, because Dustin has always had his back, evne though he’s a big gold freak. This SHOULD mean one of two things. Either someone’s turning on someone else, or they’re winning. You heard it here first even though it’s technically after the match went off.
Hogan’s book got plugged by Trish. Good to see there’s no real hard feelings.
Stevie Richards had a match with Jackie. Good also to see that they’re using someone with Stevie’s Talent in pointless matches that do nothing for anyone.
Terri had a quick interview with Jeff Hardy comparing him to what Shawn Michaels was years ago. Yeah, only Shawn got Vince to push him because the company was tanking and everyone dug him. Jeff throw’s himself off of any convenient object, gets huge pops, and doesn’t get to do anything ever. Due to that, he’s lost motivation to work and, hence, his crowd reaction has gone down quicker than him at a Deal-a-Meal convention. I’d be on drugs, too. Shawn came out to tell Jeff that, if he needed any advice in wrestling HeMan (oh, this squash should put him WAAAY over), that Shawn would be happy to provide it. Hardy said if Shawn needed any advice for a ladder match, to come see him.
RVD vs Batista. This match did nothing at all, since Kane made the run-in. RVD doesn’t even have a match at Armageddon. Chew on THAT before you think HeMan has no backstage pull.
Chief Morely was not enthused with Kane’s run in, so he “punished†him with a handicap match agains Three Minute Warning.
OK, yeah, in the forgone conclusion of the night, 3MW jobbed out to Kane in a Handicapped Match. Well, they really are building up them new stars, aren’t they Linda. If I owned stock in this company, I’d be dumping it faster than a mob boss’s coke when the fed’s show up.
D-lo got to pin Al Snow with the Sky High. I don’t understand why they even put D-Lo on Television anymore if they have no intention of pushing him because of the Droz incident. Either let him do something or fire him and move on. Stop wasting all our times with a talent you are keeping around to punish.
The HeMan vs Hardy match ended exactly how you expected it would. No, not with Shawn Interfereing and Hardy getting the win, but a total squash by HeMan, just so the fans can be sure not to take him as a legit threat. Hey guys, remember when the Big Show won the title and no one really took him as a threat it works two fold for Jeff Hardy, because he looks about as intimidating as Shawn Michaels that is to say, not very.
Flair put over HBK in a nice interview, but told him it was time to move on. Give HeMan back the belt before he gets hurt. Shawn told them to meet him in the parking lot which led to H getting jumped and thrown in a dumpster, and Shawn jumping off a Tractor Trailer into the dumpster with a big elbow. And then Shawn said he was HBK again. Yay!
Stacy was in a slut-Santa outfit. They can keep this storyline up for as long as they want.
Some pointless six-man/woman tag was the main event. It was useless so I watched football.
This was not much of a PPV hype show especially because just about every match is a foregone conclusion and, therefore, is prolly gonna suck.
Smackdown
Rikishi and Bull Buchanan had the opening match. John “Yogurt†Cena is practically an afterthought now which is great, because we can push Bull Buchanan for the twenth-third time, rather than let people get behind someone they don’t just hate already.
More nonsense with Torrie/Al/Dawn. Dawn went back on her promise to call off the marriage with Al after Torrie’s tryst with her last week. After Torrie came out to beat up Dawn for going back on her word, Dawn told us that Torrie is a sexual predator, and she would show us the footage from the “hidden camera†she had in the hotel room. Nothing saying about the regular television camera that was there before Smackdown went off the air instead, she’ll use the hidden one. If they’re trying to sell a PPV on more HLA alone, they’ve got more problems than we realize.
Kurt Angle is going to get Brock’s suspension lifted, thus making him a face for the match. Kurt wants Brock in his corner for the match, so Brock can get Heyman and Show back. Brock agrees. Steph is quickly ready to lift the suspension because Heyman and Show don’t like it. She’s lifting the suspension because it’s what’s best for Smackdown. Well then, why the F!ck did she suspend him in the first place? As I recall, it was best for Smackdown to suspend him do. Steph blows. At some point, they need to find a single character with her and stick to it.
Matt Hardy was not on Smackdown for the second week in a row. I assume the backstage meeting went something like this.
Vince: Yeah, Matt. That Version 1 thing seems to be getting over pretty well. People seem to like it.
Matt: Yeah Vince, I think they are.
Vince: The fun facts are getting great reviews, you’re doing the heel thing very well. People enjoy you.
Matt: *Nodding* Yes, I agree. I’m so glad I finally found something that is clicking with the fans.
Vince: Me too, Matt me too. You know the rules though.
Matt: *Drops His Head* Yes Vince, I know.
Vince: Yup, people like it. We’re dropping it entirely. We’re pushing Albert instead, but there is good news. We are repackaging you.
Matt: Oh, really?
Vince: Yes, we’re dropping Version 1. But we made a mistake with pulling Isaac Yankem when we did. *Vince Laugh* No pun intended, although we will use that in your first promo I’m a genius.
Matt: You did?
Vince: Yes so, you’re going to be Matt the Dentist! In fact, we’re going to add something to it. Picture it you will be Matt the Dancing Dentist!
Matt: But, Vince
Vince: No Buts, Matt this will be huge. Any more questions and I’ll demote you to Velocity.
Matt: Ok Vince.
Guerreros vs Kidman and Benoit. Kidman was in this match for one reason and one reason only and he served it out nicely by getting pinned. The tag match was, once again, great as they seem to try to be working Kidman into matches with the top level Smackdown wrestlers.
The two “Back When Raw was Good†moments of the week: The Raw one involved Austin, if you can imagine. The Smackdown one was the angle which should have elevated Test into the top of the card, that being his wedding to Stephanie. Instead, he was squashed by HeMan and relegated to the bottom of the card as an afterthought. To Quote Tazz, he was just anotha victim of HeMan. Interesting note: back when this went on, HHH was still using “My Time†as his entrance theme, and in the flashback it’s overdubbed with “The Game.†I’m sure no one noticed though.
In a very WCW-ish move, Nunzio made his debut as Jamie Noble’s cousin. Nunzio is Little Guido and F!CKING TAZZ DOESN’T KNOW WHO HE IS!!! This isn’t the eighties guys you aren’t the only televised game in town. It’s insulting when wrestlers come out, and people who used to WRESTLE with them don’t recognize them. And, in case no one noticed, Noble’s character is a Southern Redneck. SOUTHERN REDNECKS DON’T HAVE GREASY ITALIAN MIDGETS FOR COUSINS. F!ck Vince and F!ck the WWF for going back to the eighties where they pretend there is no other life outside the WWE.
Steph calls Steiner out for his contract signing. This just in: it’s a SWERVE. I bet you’re shocked. Turns out, Steiner didn’t get Steph’s goods, so he doesn’t trust her. Therefore, he signed with Raw. Bisch came out to blow Steph a kiss. In case you haven’t gotten the pattern down yet, Steph will be on Raw come Monday to get her heat back by stealing one of Bischoff’s guys.
Main event was Bigshow and A-train vs Edge and Kurt. In case you didn’t know, Heyman decided that Albert needed a new name and came up with A-Train. The WWF Production monkeys are amazing in that, less than two hours later, they already have a Titantron and new music ready for him. This was another match I just couldn’t bring myself to watch it couldn’t even be saved by Albert. It did end, however, with Show breaking an Anglelock with a chokeslam and pinning Kurt. I think this means Kurt wins the belt?
Interesting note Mark Jindrak has a Titantron that they play at WWF-NY. Look for him to come in soon as Jorge Dudley, the half Spanish Brother of the Dudley clan.
I’m not really all that excited for Armageddon, but we shall see what happens. I now pause at 5:52 to head out and watch it. Back at 11.
Armageddon
I’m back. Glad you stuck around.
We have some new Tag Team champions as they gave Booker T something to do and rewarded Goldust for being so motivated lately. Good to see. Goldust ain’t the weak link he’s one half the world tag team champions, sucka.
Best match of the night, obviously, was Benoit v Eddy, which Benoit won clean with the Crossface.
Kane Got Squashed by Batista.
The “Last Man Standing†formula holds up once again, as Angle lost on Smackdown, but won the title on the PPV and HeMan was left in the dumpster yet walked out with the title. You know, I wish I never saw that formula, cuz it takes the fun out of the ppv.
Kurt Angle beat Show in a really overbooked ending that saw a metric assload of finishers by Kurt, Show, Brock, and A-Train. It also saw Angle getting dumped over the top rope and landing on TOP of Heyman. Expect him to be a heel again on Thrusday.
The HeMan/HBK match was somewhat disappointing. Their Summerslam match was way better. HeMan won much to the chagrin of net-geeks everywhere. Eh, who am I kidding I don’t care to see him with the belt anymore either.
All in all, a pretty weak week including the PPV. Eddie/Benoit was good, the tag match was good other than that, not worth the price of admission.
January brings my favorite ppv of the year. Here’s hoping they don’t screw with the formula too much.
End Transmission.
