Welcome to the News Release, the column few read and even fewer admit to reading. When we left off last week, Daniels was promising a Grammy Extravaganza, and he’s going to try and deliver.
As most of you know (those who care anyway) the Grammy awards are this evening… a show in which artists are rewarded for their style over substance. If a major artists needs a sales boost, they give a shot with the little Gramophone to help them out… with a quick wink and nudge. I got 20 pages cut and pasted into word with the awards that anyone actually watches. I also have a list of performers.
Personally, I won’t be watching the Grammy’s… I’ll be playing Magic, because there’s a chance of someone I like winning in a six player game of Magic. I’m won of the few who said, at some point, “If these f*cks win, I’m never watching this show again.†Those f*cks won, I turned the channel, and never looked back.
Except to see what Brittney or Christina were wearing… I AM only human after all.
As for the list of performers, trying to find a full list is harder than a thirteen year old with a piss-boner who doesn’t know how to masturbate. According to CBS.com, you got Ashanti, Vanessa Carlton, James Taylor, John Mayer, Coldplay (w/ members of the NYC Philharmonic), the Dixie Chicks, Norah Jones, Faith Hill, Avril Levine, Kelly Rowland, Nelly, and Bruce Springsteen (w/ the E-Street Band and Sil from the Sopranoes). On grammy.com, or whatever the hell their site is called… use google… they also list No Doubt and Yo-Yo Ma. For all of you uncultured types, Yo-Yo Ma is a concert cellist who my girlfriends wants… something about Asians wielding bows, I guess.
Dollars to donuts says you don’t see Yo-Yo Ma anywhere near the primetime part of the broadcast. Someone with talent would just make the rest of the performers look bad.
So, let’s roll with the Grammy’s and some headlines if I’m still in a writin mood by the end.
The Grammys
Album of the Year: Dixie Chicks: Home, Eminem Show: Eminem, Come Away With Me: Norah Jones, Nellyville: Nelly, The Rising: Bruce Springsteen. I’ve never heard of Norah Jones, so she’s out for this. Springsteen probably should win it… but I don’t think anyone is unseating Em. The Eminem Show seems to be universally regarded as “The Greatest Album EVEEEEERRRRRR.†I’m going with Em for the big one this year.
Winner: Eminem.
Song of the Year: Complcated: a whole bunch of people for Avril Lavigne, Don’t Know Why: Jesse Harris for Norah Jones, The Rising: Bruce Springsteen for Bruce Springsteen, A Thousand Miles: Vanessa Carlton for Vanessa Carlton, Where Were You: Alan Jackson for Alan Jackson. I live in a fantasy world where only people that write and perform the song win the award. That being said, the Grammys seem to be all about giving this award to poster yaks for the past few years. Occassionally, they break the mould, and I think they’ll do it this year. The BOSS gets the nod here, because it look like they set him up as the veteran in a crowd of shit.
Winner: Bruce Springteen
Best New Artist: Ashanti, Michelle Branch, Norah Jones, Avril Lavigne, and John Mayer. Hm, let’s see. We got a Dave Matthews wannabe, someone I’ve never heard of, a talentless Murder Inc-er, someone who’s breakthrough hit involved a 60 year old Mexican, and CFB’s arch-nemisis. I go with the arch-nemisis… if for no other reason then to see what CFB will write about it on Thursday.
Winner: Claire Flynn Boyle
Best Female Pop: Soak Up the Sun: Sheryl Crow, Don’t Know Why: Norah Jones, Complicated: Avril Lavigne, Get the Party Started: Pink, Overprotected: Brittney. Pink and Britney are Grammy has-beens… their 15 minutes is over. Sheryl Crow is talented, so she’s out. I still don’t know who Norah Jones is… which leaves Avril for her second of the night… and another year off Claire’s life.
Winner: Claire Flynn Boyle.
Best Male Pop: 7 Days: Craig David, Original Sin: Elton John, Your Body is a Wonderland: John Mayer, Fragile: Sting, October Road: James Taylor. What, nothing from Justified? They’re slipping. This is a tough choice, but one of the veterans will win here… I say Elton John, because he’s in the midst of a major tour and they could use the press.
Winner: Elton John
Best Group Pop: Everyday: Bon Jovi, Girl All the Bad Guys Want: Bowling for Soup, Where Are you Going: Dave Matthews, Hey Baby: No Doubt, Girlfriend: NSYNC. NSYNC as a group is done with their Grammy time… as is No Doubt with their new vomit-inducing style. Bowling for Soup is there for show… I believe this is finally a Grammy for Dave.
Winner: Dave Modzelewski
Best Pop Duet/Collaboration: Drrty: Christina Aguilera and Redman, Christmas Song: India Arie & Stevie Wonder, What a Wonderful world: Tony Bennett and kd Lang, Better than Anything: Natalie Cole & Diana Krall, It’s So Easy: Sheryl Crow & Don Henley, The Game of Love: Santana & Michelle Branch. The Grammys Love Santana.
Winner: Santana and Michelle.
Best Pop Vocal Album: Come Away With Me: Norah Jones, Let Go: Avril Lavigne, Rock Steady: No Doubt, Missundaztood: Pink, Britney: Britney Spears. This Norah Jones Yak seems pretty popular. I think they’re going to give her one. I’ll pick this one.
Winner: Norah Jones
Best Female Rock: Steve McQueen: Sheryl Crow, The Weakness in Me: Melissa Ehterige, Sk8er Boi: Avril Lavigne, Gnawin’ on it: Bonnie Raitt, Alone: Susan Tedeschi. I smell the fallout from Claire’s explosion sinking the continent of Australia and sending the rest of the world into Boyle-Winter.
Winner: Claire Flynn Boyle
Best Male Rock: Slow Burn: David Bowier, 45: Elvis Costello, The Barry Williams Show: Peter Gabriel, Darkness, Darkness: Robert Plant, The Rising: Bruce Springsteen. Hm, lessee… a Zepplin reunion on the hoizon? Plant takes it easy, with a promise to perform at next year’s show.
Winner: Robert Plant.
Best Group Rock: Girls of Summer: Aerosmith, In My Place: Coldplay, My Sacrifice: Creed, Hero: Chad Kroeger and Josey Scott, When I’m Gone: 3 Doors Down, Take Me As I Am: Tonic, Walk On: U2. U2’s song is on America-a Tribute to Heroes. ‘nuff said.
Winner: U2
Best Hard Rock: All My Life: Foo Fighters, I Stand Alone: Godsmack, Youth of the Nation: POD, No One Knows: Queens of the Stone Age, Aerials: System of a Down. Let’s see here… the most overplayed song of the five above would be…… Queens of the Stone Age by a nose over Youth of the Nation.
Winner: Queens of the Stone Age.
Best Metal: Here to Stay: Korn, Portrait: POD, My Plague: Slipknot, Get Inside: Stone Sour, Edge’s Theme Song: Rob Zombie. This one is tough… I don’t really know. Korn has the most mainstream exposure, but that doesn’t always seem to matter in this category. I think they’re going to go with Stone Sour
Winner: Stone Sour.
Best Rock Song: All My Life: Foo Fighters for Foo Fighters, Hero: Chad Kroeger for Chad Kroeger and Josey Scott, I Stand Alone: Sully Erna for Godsmack, The Rising: Bruce Springsteen for Bruce Springsteen, When I’m Gone: 3 Doors Down for 3 Doors Down. Springsteen won’t win both Pop and Rock best song, Hero just isn’t that good because the entire tune is stolen from Seal’s Kiss From a Rose, 3 Doors Down just isn’t a Grammy Band. I’m going to go with Sully on this one… just because I think the lyrics are better.
Winner: Sully Erna
Best Rock Album: When I Was Cruel: Elvis Costello, C’mon, C’mon: Sheryl Crow, Dreamland: Robert Plant, The Rising: Bruce Springsteen, Head On Straight: Tonic. Sheryl wins, beating out the veterans to send a girl power message to the rock industry. Can’t shut the yaks out of any category, now can we?
Winner: Kid Rock’s Singin Partner.
Best Female R&B: More Than a Woman: Aaliyah, Foolish: Ashanti, He Think I Don’t Know: Mary J Blige, I’m Still Standing: Eartha, He Loves Me (Lyzel in E-Flat)(Movements 1, 2, 3): Jill Scott. Yeah, everyone that’s not dead in this section has about as much a chance of winning as someone who has a song broken into movements.
Winner: Aaliyah’s Estate.
Best Male R&B: Let’s Stay Home Tonight: Joe, The World’s Greatest: R. Kelly, Halfcrazy: Musiq, Take a Message: Remy Shand, U Don’t Have to Call: Usher. I haven’t heard of one of these songs. Sisqo won a Grammy right? That means the committee likes Q’s… I’ll go with Musiq.
Winner: Whoever Musiq is.
Best R&B Duo: All The Way: Kenny G & Brian McKnight, Don’t Mess with My Man: Nivea, Brian Casey, & Brandon Casey, More than a Woman: Angie Stone & Joe, Girl Talk: TLC, Love’s in Need of Love Today: Stevie Wonder & Take 6. Yeah, anyone who doesn’t have a member that’s dead has about as much a chance of winnign as I do.
Winner: TC
Best Urban: Little Things: India Arie, Love of My Life: Erykah Badu, Getting Grown: Cee-Lo, Floetic: Floetry, Be Here: Raphael Saadiq. Hm, a Q in the name or the woman who the Grammys love because she changed her name to be more black? Hmmm, more black it is… or blaq, if you will.
Winner: Erykah Badu
Best R&B Song: Be Here: A whole bunch of folks for Raphael Saadiq, Floetic: even more folks for Floetry, Good Man: yet MORE folks for India Arie, Love of My Life (An Ode to Hip-Hop) A bunch of really black sounding names for Erykah Badu, Take a Message: Remy Shand for Remy Shand. Wait, you mean the dude wrote AND performed the song… and he wrote it all by himself? No way… seriously? Should be a shoo-in.
Winner: Remy Shand.
Best R&B Album: Ashanti: Ashanti, Full Moon: Brandy, Faithfully: Faith Evans, Floetic: Floetry, Cookie: The Anthropological Mixtape: Meshell Ndegeocello. Mshell? Haven’t heard from her since John COUGAR put her on the map. Let’s see… for some reason people seem to dig on Ashanti, so I guess it’s here.
Winner: Ashanti.
Best Female Rap: Jesus, could they have any more categories for black music? I mean seriously. Diary: Charli Baltimore, Scream aka Itchin: Missy Elliot, Satisfaction: Eve, Na Na Be Like: Foxy Brown, Mystery of Iniquity: Lauryn Hill. Out of the group, the only one who doesn’t make me ill is Missy.
Winner: Slowly approaching hot as of the AMA’s Missy.
Best Male Rap: Without Me: Eminem, Song Cry: Jay-Zm, Rollout: Ludacris, Bouncin Back: Mystikal, Hot in Here: Nelly. HAHAHAHAHAH, WATCH THE WHITES AS WE CONQUER THE RAP INDUSTRY/GENRE, TOO!
Winner: Eminem.
Best Rap Album: Eminem Show: Eminem, Word of Mouf: Ludacris, Tarantula: Mystikal, Nellyville: Nelly, Diary of a Sinner: Petey Pablo. It continues.
Winner: Eminem
Best Spoken Comedy Album: The Bathroom Wall: Jimmy Fallon, Complaints and Grievances: George Carlin, Oh the things I know, Al Franken, the Rant Zone: Dennis Miller, Robin Williams – Live 2002: Robin Williams. If Jimmy Fallon or the Liberal douchebag Al Franken win, I will never even write about the Grammys again. Carlin or Williams…? I like Carlin better.
Winner: Sir George.
And that would be your 2003 Grammys in a nutshell. A four page nutshell, but a nutshell nonetheless.
African-American Role Model
According to Yahoo, Rapper 50 Cent says being shot is funny. I mean it’s not funny when you’re actually getting shot, but afterwards, yeah, it’s funny , he told Time magazine.When I got shot in the hip it cracked bone and when I got out of the hospital they didn’t give me medication, so that really hurt. 50 Cent is the latest project to come out of Eminem and Dr Dre’s house of Rap.
My biggest question isn’t why it’s funny to be shot, but why Time Magazine is interviewing 50 Cent… and not only interviewing him, but doing their level best to make him look cool… like being shot nine times (or claiming to) is something for their audience to aspire to. Must be trying to reach that elusive 18-34 thugg crowd.
Cyber Tracking Downloaders
The RIAA is fighting Verizon’s bid to stay the order of the judge that ordered Verizon to reveal the name of one of their subscribers to the RIAA. The RIAA filed a motion to stay pending the resolution of the appeal.
However, the RIAA wants the name of the violator and dammit, they want it now!
In his decision, US District Judge John Bates rejected Verizon’s claim that the precedent would violate customer privacy and turn the ISP into a copyright cop. RIAA Douchebag of the week (for the second week running, I think) Matthew Oppenhiem, VP of Business and Legal Affairs, said: “There is no right to anonymously commit crimes. No one, including Verizon, disputes that its users are downloading and disseminating copyrighted works in violation of the law. Individuals who infringe music on P2P networks are not engaged in private conduct; they are agreeing to freely share files on their hard drives with millions of other users on a public network,”
No word on whether Oppenheim volunteered to have his online activity monitored or not.
Metal Back?
According to Lars Ulrich, the new Metallica album St. Anger will be a return to the old, heavy, thrashing sound that the band’s old fans are used to. I’m going to post a quote from Lars in hopes he won’t sue me or 411 for sampling something that came from his god inspired lips:
We’ve been a lot of different places musically over the last year and a half, and a couple of months ago, we sort of came back around to some heavy, aggressive, fast, dynamic, a lot of tempo changes, kind of sh–, and that felt really comfortable again. We hadn’t done it for a while. Maybe we were keeping it at bay, whatever. All of a the sudden it was like that old pair of shoes you have in the closet that you haven’t worn for a while, that felt really f—ing good to have on again. It’s pretty aggressive and the people who like that side of us will not be disappointed, believe me,”
Similarly, Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst continues to promise that the new album Less is More will be a return to the hardcore 3 Dollar Bill sound that put the band on the map. He also promises that, despite rumors, The Neptunes don’t make an appearance on the album, but at least one big name rapper right now, probably either Snoop, Nas, or DMX
Let’s see, on top, you have a band that managed to alienate all their old fans with excuses for rock albums they’ve put out since the Black Album… AND alienate all their new fans with the Napster stunt… now, they desperately want to have some credit back with the OLD fans so they’re basically pleading with people to buy the new album. “We can still Rock guys, we promise… we don’t ONLY have shit left.â€
And on the bottom, you have Fred Durst, who’s become one of the biggest sell-outs in the music industry to date. From a thrashing “something-different†band to full-on corporate punks. Fred, after realizing the shit that was the last album and that his fan-base has dissolved, is PROMISING this cd will be metal… just like he PROMISED the last CD would be metal.
And, in BOTH bands, you have guitarists who have left because they wanted to play Rock. Wes from Limp Bizkit left a super successful band to form a no name, and Newsstead left Metallica because he wanted to play some f*ckin METAL in Voivod. Can’t blame either one of them, honestly.
However, if Fred’s master plan was a complex ruse that would end him up in the Playboy Mansion and bagging Britney… f*ck, I can’t fault the guy.
Lollapalooza
After a five year hiatus, it looks like Lollapalooza is ready to go again. The lineup, so far, includes Audioslave, Incubus, Queens of the Stone Age, Jurassic 5, and Jane’s Addiction. The dates have not been revealed yet, and a press conference was supposed to be held yesterday to flesh out some of the details. As of this writing, the details have not been fleshed, or at least available online.
The big question is how this tour will stack up against Summer Sanitarium, which now also includes Mudvayne and the Deftones as openers, to support Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, and Metallica all of whom have promised “headlining sets.â€
I went to Lollapalooza in 95 (I think), the year Metallica and Soundgarden headlined. It sucked. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the sound was good and the stage was good… but it’s too long of a goddam day to pay $3 for bottled water. I wasn’t drinking at the time, but I can’t even imagine what beers would run. Sanitarium, at least, is inside and not all freakin day long. I’m sure there’s a lot of folks that like that, but I just can’t do festival shows anymore.
But, if I had a choice, I’d go to Lollapalooza… just so Metallica doesn’t get my $50 again.
In Other Reading
Joseph Weathered Dissects the Osbournes. Two eps in one shot.
Cody, because it just wouldn’t be a Tuesday without a Cody pimp. Is it sad that I’d rather do Jack Osbourne with Kelly?
Biscuiti writes another super-short column. This one on Phil Spector.
Phil McCann reviews InMe.
Evocator reviews KRS-One.
And, Matt R Jones with Shameless. Just because it doesn’t feel like Tuesday without at Jones pimp, too.
In Closing
Enjoy the Grammys, and enjoy the rest of the news folks. Watch this spot on Thursday for Clair’s head to explode.
For me, I’ll be over on wrestling on Saturday and back here next Tuesday with some Grammy fallout and news on whether Jack turned on Kelli.
