JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
Raw did a 3.8 rating this week but with a 4.1 second hour. I guess about one eighth of the viewers tuned in after Joe Millionaire. HOMO’S!
The WWE never meant to sign Steve Chamberlain, a one legged wrestler in Florida, but accidentally contacted him while they were trying to call Tenacious Z. I know the feeling, guys. Just last night I tried to order a pizza, and the next thing I know I’m talking to Steve Chamberlain. It happens to the best of us.
Edge missed the weekend house shows due to an injury. I hear it’s a very rare form of depusharitus. Suck it up, Edge! I got jammed my pinky finger 2 weeks ago, but I’m typing this report!
The WWE and Girls Gone Wild are teaming up for a pay per view. Jerry Lawler will be doing play by play and will die of a heart attack halfway through the show. He was 63.
Moolah’s Conan O’Brien appearance was cancelled because she was sick. Upon hearing this, Conan O’Brien said, “WHO THE HELL DOES THAT BITCH THINK SHE IS? I’M CONAN FUCKING O’BRIEN! WHO THE HELL IS SHE?†O’Brien then killed a five year old girl who was petting a kitten.
On Smackdown tonight, Benoit fights A-Train. Who will win this bloody battle between Canadian and Locomotive? Benoit, actually. Pretty quickly.
The Rock is back in full heel mode, and that means that Eric S. needs to start writing nice things about Flex again. I never understood Eric’s completely unjustified hatred of the Rock. In fact, Eric S. hated the Rock so much that he fired Lance Storm. (Ah. That almost felt good.)
Rikishi fights a member of the FBI or whatever they’re calling the Italian stable. Oh! That reminds me of a pretty cool brain teaser I thought up. An Italian man falls off a cliff, dies, and winds up back at the top of the cliff. How? If you can figure this out, all of my golden pencil sharpeners are yours.
Team Mattitude fight Team Billy Rey. Heh. They should call themselves the Cyruses.
The Big Show give Undertaker a puppy and a giant empty crate. This is a metaphor for pop music, as the puppy represents the cute appearance of the singers while the empty crate represents the substance of the music. The Big Show beating the crap out of the Undertaker represents the latest battle music going on between Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears and Fred Durst. Think about it.
By the way, what is it with all of these big names in pop music writing battle songs after they break up with Britney Spears? They’re young music stars. Shouldn’t they be sleeping with Mandy Moore or one of the other ones to cheer up?
Nidia fights Torrie in a pink paddle on a ploe match. In an interesting development, after the match Torrie’s father shows up and says he enjoyed watching his daughter in the ring. Then Nidia hits on Torrie’s dad as Torrie stares angrily. What?
Hogan and Rock go nose to nose in the middle of the ring. You know that part of all 2 person interviews where one guy has the mike and the other guy is mumbling indecipherably? That’s Hogan begging Rock for a small role in his next movie. Notice how Rock keeps rolling his eyes throughout the promo.
Brock Lesnar faces Kurt Angle in a 30 minute match which should have headlined Wrestlemania. How can they give this away on free television?
Vader made his return to American television last night, appearing on NWA:TNA. According to various reports, the guys is fatter then he used to be. Ha! A big fat slow guy who was great in WCW and bombed in the WWE! They oughta team him up with Dusty Rhodes!
Vader has been teamed up with Dusty Rhodes to fight the Harris Brothers next week. That is not a joke.
Kid Kash is now the longest reigning X-Champion of all time after holding the belt a consecutive 2 weeks. Kongratulations, Kid Kash.
Jonah from Tough Enough turned up on NWA:TNA, but a pair of tits distracted him and took away a victory. Then Jonah discovered it was just the Harris brothers with pacifiers taped to their heads and felt even worse.
Hulk Hogan’s contract only goes to Wrestlemania, and then the two sides will reevaluate things. Maybe Hogan will ride off into the sunset after a victory over Vince? Nah. First he needs to get his win back from the Undertaker.
Okay.
PLUGS
The Skeptic Tank 02.20.03: Don’t Believe The Hype (02.20.03) – Dave Dymond
Is the “Road To Wrestlemania” worth going down?
The Little Things 02.19.03: Bischoff, Orton, Victoria, & More (02.19.03) – John B. Haley
I’m really pumped up about this week’s column. Click the link and find out why
Time For A Take 02.19.03: Book Reviews (02.19.03) – Joe Rivett
Review of Kurt Angle’s the King’s book, plus D’lo Brown comments on my column
Norton’s Notes 02.18.03: Kanyon’s Return – A Disgusting Waste Of An Epic Storyline (02.18.03) – Blake Norton
Boy George impersonations? Great way to bring back fresh, untapped talent; Norton explores a prime example of why the WWE’s booking has been more miss than hit over the last twelve months, and shows how the company should have done it.
Oh my God! That is so much easier then writing a plug!
Something I Wrote When Thinking About Taking A Train To Stamford To Try TO Get A Job With The WWE, And Probably Still Will Next Week.
Name: Fozzie (the Bear.) Not actual name suggested, just for purposes of these promos.
Promo 1.
Fade in on a stage at a comedy club. There is a spotlight and a microphone, and standing in the spotlight holding the microphone is Fozzie.
Fozzie: So, any of you guys watch wrestling? (There is no response.) So do I! How about that Triple H? When he talks, Triple H stands for “Hunter Hurts Head.†MY head! (Pause. Fozzie waits for laughter that doesn’t come. Undeterred, he continues. ) How about that Brock Lesnar? I think he’d have more fans if his name was Brock “Elli.â€Â
Audience Member 1 (Off Screen): Get off the stage!
Fozzie: Thank you! Hey, there’s a guy named Lance Storm who wrestles. I was in a lance storm once. I was at a jousting festival and a tornado swept in, and there were lances flying everywhere! (A beer bottle is thrown at Fozzie, who simply moves his head to the left.)
Audience Member 2 (Off Screen): You suck fat ones! (The entire crowd begins to boo.)
Fozzie: You’ve been a great audience! Enjoy the bus ride back to the nursing home!
Fozzie leaves the stage, and the camera shows the crowd to be composed of senior citizens, booing and calling Fozzie names. In bold letters, the words, “THE LAUGHTER DIES IN 4 WEEKS†appear on the screen. Fade out.
Promo 2.
Fade in on the same stage, Fozzie in same position.
Fozzie: Wow, tough crowd tonight. Okay, so Nathan Jones got out of prison and went to the WWE. He said that he’s very happy there, and can’t wait for Shannon Moore to drop the soap! (Silence. ) Thank you! A-Train is picking up some big wins on Smackdown, and to reward him the WWE is going to give him a young tag team partner so A-Train can teach him how to wrestle. The partner’s name will be A-Trainee! (Silence.) It’s like the night of the living dead out there. Speaking of the living dead, how about that Undertaker? I hear his latest gimmick change is going to involve him wearing a crunchy shell and covering himself with cheese, lettuce and tomatoes. He’s going to call himself the Undertaco! Thank you guys so much, you’ve been great! Remember to tip your waitress when you wake up.
Fozzie leaves the stage, and the camera shows the crowd to be composed of a peacefully sleeping audience. In bold letters, the words, “THE LAUGHTER DIES IN 3 WEEKS†appear on the screen. Fade out.
Promo 3.
Fade in on the same stage, Fozzie in same position.
Fozzie: Hulk Hogan is so old (Fozzie pauses a moment. ) You’re supposed to say, “How old is he?†We went over this. Anyway, Hulk Hogan is so old, he’s now officially classified as a Hulkasaurus! (Sounds of puking are heard. ) Sir, if you need to vomit they’ve provided buckets. There’s a lot of talk about how Chris Jericho got his nickname, but I know the truth! I was a hotdog vendor, and he came up to me and ordered two hotdogs, and I thought he looked like my friend Jay. So I said, “Why Two, Jay?â€Â
Audience Member 3 (Off Screen.): GOD! SOMEONE HELP ME!
Fozzie: I’m not THAT bad, sir. Hey, what do you call an egotistical wrestler who hasn’t had sex yet? Matt Hardy, Virgin 1! (Cries of pain and the sounds of puking are heard. ) What a great crowd. Good luck recovering from your heroin addictions.
Fozzie leaves the stage, and the camera shows the crowd to be composed of recovering heroin addicts like in Trainspotting. In bold letters, the words, “THE LAUGHTER DIES IN 2 WEEKS†appear on the screen. Fade out.
Promo 4.
Fade in on the same stage, Fozzie in same position.
Fozzie: This is my last night as a stand up comedian, as I will be venturing to the WWE to become a professional wrestler. After 2 years of fighting off my audiences, I think I’m about ready. (Loud laughter is heard.) Thank you! Wow! Hey, while I’m looking forward to fighting Billy Kidman, I’m more excited to be facing Willy Babyadult. (Louder, more insane laughter is heard.) I thought that one would bomb! A wrestler’s catchphrase will soon be changed when he wakes up one day and finds himself covered in a dairy product. He’ll then say, “Who buttered up Kanyon?†(Completely insane laughter is heard. ) I am truly touched. I could not have picked a better audience for my final performance. No matter what the courts say, you mad scientists are all right! Thank you very much!
Fozzie leaves the stage, and the camera shows the crowd to be composed of mad scientists, all in straight jackets, laughing insanely. Once Fozzie is gone, the laughter suddenly stops.
Mad Scientist 1: Is it just me, or did that guy suck? I was just being polite.
All the mad scientists murmur their agreement. In bold letters, the words, “THE LAUGHTER DIES NEXT WEEK†appear on the screen. Fade out.
