JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
An Italian man falls of a cliff, dies, and winds up back where he started. How? He was Mario. Congratulations to the one guy who got it right and then I forgot his name.
Raw did a 4.0 this week. That’s great, but could you imagine what the rating would have been had Triple H gone over the Rock cleanly five times? 8.9, BITCH!
Although Flea stole the easy joke, meaning I’ll have to work now, The World in Time Square is closing. A member of the staff was heard to remark during her last day as a waitress, “It’s okay! We don’t need the WWE! We’ll start our own world, a better world, a new world!†The she turned to her customer and said, “Order?†Suddenly, she got a brilliant idea. Look for the World staff to be invading the WWE very soon.
Upon hearing of the restaurant’s closing, REM said, “I feel fine.â€Â
The closing of the Times Square restaurant is especially painful for that really annoying guy who looks like and sounds like Steve Austin and yells WHAT all the time. At a press conference held today in the basement of Planet Hollywood in NYC, the annoying guy sadly stated that he will return to the coal mine from which he came, and will die of the black lung before he turns 50. He then told the crowd not to cry for him, not to mourn him, but to remember him as he was in his glory days. Remember the annoying guy yelling the word what at a bunch of wrestling fans. He then let out an evil laugh, threw a smoke bomb to the floor, and disappeared.
The big feud between Eminem and Benzino is heating up, leaving millions of white people wondering when Tower is going to get more Nora Jones cd’s.
Hulk Hogan missed the Smackdown taping in order to see his daughter sing at a tryout of some kind. Scott Keith gave Hogan’s daughter -***. What was Scott Keith doing at the audition? Trying out for the part of Nathan Detroit. “Well, it’s good old reliable Nathan, Nathan Nathan Nathan Detroit!†“DUD!â€Â
On Smackdown, Nathan Jones made a Shockmaster worthy appearance, falling down as he attempted his first move. The spot was repeated and done correctly, but maybe it’s time to lock Nathan Jones back in prison. Apparently he likes to be there.
The match of the night is apparently a five minute affair between Brian Kendrick and Kurt Angle. If Kendrick can last all five minutes, he gets to wrestle on Smackdown! So he gets to wrestle on Smackdown for the honor of wrestling on Smackdown?! I smell a logic gap! No, wait, I farted.
Eddie beat Nunzio, once again proving that Spanish people are superior in every way to Italian people.
Rhyno makes his return to Smackdown but not as Matt Hardy’s bodyguard. Instead, he is Matt Hardy’s opponent! You’ve swerved us again, WWE! How will the Internet ever recover from looking so foolish? Okay, I feel better now.
The WWE reported a 26.7 million dollar 3rd Quarter Loss. Don’t worry, stockholders! Goldberg is on the way to end the careers of all of the WWE’s top draws!
On NWA, Juvytued Guerroro had an amazing match with Jerry Lynn. Jerry Lynn came away victorious, but it was Juvy who really impressed the drunken and inbred hicks.
Also, Jeff Jarrett and Russo swerved us all again, saying that Jarrett was Sex when Jarrett wasn’t Sex and that Russo was a good father when Russo really hated his kids. I’ll never believe in anything ever again.
Matt Hardy has updated his commentary, as he wrote about a weekend in his life and what he has to go through to Mattain his body. That one is free, WWE! The rest will cost you 6 million dollars!
Next week on Smackdown, Brock vs. Heyman in a steel cage. How’d they know I’d been waiting for this forever?
The whole conference call thingy happened, but nothing of interest was said. The WWE is hemorrhaging money, but it’s all going to be okay because the WWE is going to fix everything and make everything perfect and soon ratings will be going through the roof again. Yay!
Slow news day. Junk news, huzzah.
PLUGS
Scott Keith has officially taken over Ask 411. I’ve also heard great things about his book from Scott Keith.
Ron Gamble continues to defy the odds (which have him dead at 3 to 1.) He has written a new column, which, as per usual, makes even the most stiff man spin in his never mind. In our continuation of the Ron Gamble Experience well this one is a bit of a shocker. When I first discovered this chapter of the Ron Gamble Experience, my first thought was to cover it up, to use my massive net influence to just make it go away. Then I discovered I had no net influence, and instead decided to share this info with all of you. To always remember our Ronnie’s beautiful face, go to http://www.hotboots.com/bronc.html. Make sure to explore this site fully, as it is the only proper way to memorialize our best friend, Ron Gamble. I forgot about him last week. I never will again.
3.3.03. The relaunch is coming. That’s right, www.brodiehubbard.com is being relaunched! Good old Brodie Hubbard, who proved that most net writers have no sense of humor when they‘re the butt of the joke! Classy Brodie Hubbard, who said he was so mad at me that he wouldn’t comment on me in his column last week and then wrote a little paragraph that mentioned what I wrote and how pathetic it was, but didn’t mention my name! Talented Brodie Hubbard, who performs in coffee houses all around Arizona! Beautiful Brodie Hubbard, who is best looking guy on the net since that pic of SK bounced around! Brodie Hubbard, who doesn’t understand that there are things much more important then hobbies that don’t exist anymore. Brodie Hubbard, who I tried to talk to like a man, tried to be honest with, tried to be nice to, and then he went ahead and acted like a child. Brodie Hubbard, who embarrassed any person on the net who gave the slightest damn about Mr. Perfect dying by writing a pithy paragraph about how he had dated Mr. Perfect’s niece. Brodie Hubbard, who shouldn’t say one thing and then do another. Brodie Hubbard, who to my dismay I found I didn’t have enough pull at the website to get him fired for writing that crap in his incredibly Torchlike reader‘s feedback article. You want to write about me, emo boy? Great! Write a f*cking novel about how much I suck and how unfair I am for making fun of your Perfect eulogy and then getting involved in something I shouldn’t have been involved in because someone who helped me when I needed it the most asked me to. Don’t you lie to me and tell me you’re not going to write anything about it. Don’t you tell me you’re not going to respond and I should just drop the whole thing when you can’t help but place a little snide comment in your column. I would have rolled my eyes at what you wrote and moved on had you not lied to me about it first. This is the last time I mention your name in my column. I’m embarrassed to write for the same site as you.
John B. Haley looks at all the little things in life and he loves them!
Claire Flynn Boyle is back with a new review. I love the girl. She makes me have naughty dreams.
AND NOW, TO FILL UP THE COLUMN, ME AND MORSE TALK ABOUT COMICS.
VPJG: Morse, I have column space to fill. Help me.
Dragon882: That’s a lot of pressure…
Dragon882: Give me something to work with
Dragon882: Or just pimp the comics zone. Pimping the comics zone is always money in the bank
VPJG: Okay! We’ll talk about comics!
Dragon882: Oh dear lord…there is no way I will come out of this looking even remotely good, is there?
VPJG: Anything is possible. So, I was once a really big fan of Impulse.
VPJG: Was he lame?
Dragon882: The kid who runs fast with the goofy hair?
VPJG: Yeah. He had ADD. I identified.
VPJG: Okay, who is your favorite comic book character?
Dragon882: Nah, he’s not lame. There are lots of super-heroes who run really fast, but I think he’s the only one who thinks like I would if I could run really fast
VPJG: Thanks. Everyone thought he was lame. I was all like, “SHUT UP! SHUT UP, MOM!”
VPJG: Cause Impulse ruled.
Dragon882: Yeah, I never could understand mother’s problems with Impulse
VPJG: So, your favorite? Superman?
VPJG: Batman?
Dragon882: Mothers’ rather…at the very least I’m not going to let the people who read your column think I don’t know my grammar
Dragon882: I always liked The Flash
VPJG: Yeah, that Wally Allen rules.
VPJG: You know who I liked? I bet you never heard of him.
VPJG: It was like Zeig, The Twilight guy or something like that. He could turn people he touched and himself almost invisible.
VPJG: I’m not making this up.
Dragon882: I refuse to come off like a total geek by correcting your mistake of The Flash’s real name…instead, I’ll encourage readers to check out 411comics for the answer to “what’s The Flash’s real name” and other exciting questions!
Dragon882: Geist…yep, I remember him
Dragon882: Blue costume?
VPJG: Geist! Geist was funny.
Dragon882: I would say that turning stuff invisible is an impractical power, but the chick in Fantastic Four does that, and she’s done pretty well
Dragon882: Geist wore like a bandana type thing, right? I can respect that
VPJG: I think so. It was a long time ago.
Dragon882: Was it really Grut…or is there something you’re not telling the readers?
VPJG: No, it was really.
VPJG: What?
Dragon882: Oh, ok
VPJG: You calling me a liar?
Dragon882: Nothing…I have no dirt on you
VPJG: Not many do. I keep my nose clean.
Dragon882: But you know what…I do have a bone to pick with you, and with Flea, so long as I have this public forum
VPJG: Okay.
VPJG: Wally West, right?
VPJG: And Barry Pepper was the older one.
VPJG: Barry Allen, rather.
Dragon882: Yes…but that’s not the point…and damn you for invalidating my earlier plug…
VPJG: Yay! What do I win?
Dragon882: I’m going to mention you in the Top Story in the comics zone, that’s what
Dragon882: Anyhow, why is it you and Flea never acknowledge that I was the third “Son of Hyatte”? I came up with you guys, but there’s no love!
VPJG: Oh! Yeah. Sorry about that.
VPJG: I guess we kind of forgot about you,
Dragon882: Is it my inability to put out a column more than three times a year?
Dragon882: Is that such a crime?
VPJG: We’re sort of busy with the news updates and the top of the page and getting hits…
VPJG: And you have your comics, and that’s awesome, rock on.
Dragon882: Who cares about dumb shit like “being dependable” or “maketable” or “successful”…
Dragon882: If we were in a gang, I would have you guys shot
VPJG: Morse, not me. To me, you’ll always be the third son of Hyatte.
Dragon882: Or more likely I’d have been shot long ago after you beat me up and left me for dead
VPJG: I never!
Dragon882: Y’know, you ask me, I blame Flea
VPJG: You know what sucks about Hyatte being gone?
VPJG: The new writers.
Dragon882: 411 Fantasy Universe was Flea’s idea y’know…
VPJG: We used to get such good new writers.
Dragon882: Seriously…what happened to the rapping guy?
VPJG: 411 Fantasy Universe? I’m going to get shit for this, but what the hell is that?
Dragon882: Or the guy who did the wrestling reality show? That was revolutionary
Dragon882: Remember that fantasy booking shit that me and Nason did that you hated? All Flea’s idea
VPJG: Now we have Hubbard making us all look bad.
VPJG: OH YEAH!
VPJG: That sucked!
VPJG: No, actually, it was okay.
Dragon882: Hubbard? Wasn’t that Bill Cosby’s character’s name?
VPJG: The writing was good.
VPJG: The concept was terrible.
VPJG: Why try to beat the product we write about?
VPJG: It’s like saying we don’t give a shit about what you produce, we could do it better.
Dragon882: I hear ya…I was veering off being interested in the column and getting more into creative writing at the time though, so I didn’t mind
VPJG: Or something like that. I hate fantasy booking.
VPJG: I love fantasy sex.
Dragon882: Amen to that
VPJG: Hey! Wanna cyber?
VPJG: I’ll start!
VPJG: What are wearing, Morse?
Dragon882: A smile
VPJG: Sorry!
Dragon882: You know who loves to cyber?
VPJG: What are you wearing
VPJG: I screwed up the mood
Dragon882: Widro
VPJG: Forget it.
Dragon882: Have you ever seen a picture of the boss?
VPJG: I’ve had a beer with the boss.
Dragon882: No kidding
Dragon882: Doesn’t he look like he should be in a boy band if he looked maybe five years older?
VPJG: I swear.
VPJG: Sure, the retarded ugly boy band.
Dragon882: Hey, why the hell is Scott Keith doing Ask 411?
VPJG: I think the other guy went the way of Ron Gamble.
Dragon882: That sucks, he was good
VPJG: Oh well. Keith drives the site now.
Dragon882: He’s a funny guy
VPJG: He sure is. I laugh just thinking about him.
VPJG: So, comics.
Dragon882: Although it was real classy how he condemned WWE for not acknowledging the death of Curt Hennig enough to start Raw…after spending the first paragraph of his rant plugging his book and then mentioning Hennig
Dragon882: Fire away
VPJG: Word association… you ready?
Dragon882: You know it
VPJG: Batman
Dragon882: Comes out of 99% of his appearances looking better than anybody else in the comic
VPJG: Superboy
Dragon882: I always liked him because he had an earring. All teen super-heroes should have an earring.
VPJG: Stan Marvel
Dragon882: Grut trying to remember Stan Lee’s last name
VPJG: No… Stan Marvel is a superhero.
VPJG: He shoots… flames.
Dragon882: Oh…
VPJG: Moving on.
VPJG: The Trickster.
Dragon882: Too many colors in his cotume. I’m color blind and it drove me nuts. But I dig the character. His name is James Jesse, which is cool, and he actually outwitted the devil one time (weren’t expecting me to get that one, were you?)
VPJG: Jesse James
VPJG: Whoops
VPJG: Moving on
VPJG: Spawn
Dragon882: Cool movie, never read the comic
VPJG: X-Men (Favorite 3, Least Favorite 1, why)
Dragon882: I’ll start with least favorite…
VPJG: Forget the why.
Dragon882: Ok
VPJG: I stopped caring.
VPJG: In fact, forget the question.
VPJG: Neron.
Dragon882: You’re a cruel cruel mistress Grut…
VPJG: Neron
VPJG: I think that’s the proper spelling.
Dragon882: Neat idea for a villain and the centerpiece of a very underrated crossover
Dragon882: Yep
VPJG: Hal Jordan wiping out the universe because he was sad.
Dragon882: Gets as much attention from internet whiners as HHH
VPJG: Really? That’s actually interesting. I liked Zero Hour. Ah, when I used to love comics.
VPJG: That thing where all the superheroes from the two companies got all mixed up and shit.
Dragon882: I always liked those
Dragon882: People take the Hal Jordan thing very seriously on the net
VPJG: Super Hero Girl you’ve masturbated thinking about.
VPJG: Or guy. I don’t judge.
Dragon882: It was done pretty abruptly and for purely commerical reasons. Comic fans are a loyal lot, just like wrestling fans
Dragon882: Hmm…you answer that one
VPJG: I only masturbate to video game women. My lesbian Sims.
VPJG: Well, this has been enlightening and way too long. Thank you for your time.
Dragon882: Thank you
VPJG: Any final thoughts?
VPJG: No.
VPJG: Thank you.
IN MEMORIAM
RON GAMBLE
1976-2003
I’ll be back soon.
Ron
