I admit it. I want to f*ck Stephanie. I want to bang Nipple H’s sweet Hershey highway. I want to come in the box The Game came in. It’s a disturbing horrible idea I know. But I want to do it so bad so that when she gets pregnant and Hunter is in that delivery room expecting his sweet Anti-Christ to come into his arms, instead he sees a sweet piece of mocha and all his nightmares come of out of that skanky McMahon cooch. And as he wonders what will become of his career as he is obviously out of her life, I will laugh like a comic supervillain. And then I’ll dump the bitch. – Christopher Arrington, last Wednesday.
Hey Eric, if Christopher Arrington needs financing for his diabolical plan, have him setup a paypal account. I’m unemployed, and desperate, but I’ll kick down $35 a month for such a worthwhile goal. Much better spent on that than PPVs these days…. – Regular Derrill Guilbert in response to said.
I say we should go to the next level on this. Use the Paypal money as seed, to pick up the initial supplies of weapons, rope, and roofies that we’d need to do it. Then, grab the Bitch of the Baskervilles and get a PPV backer (Anyone got the Jarretts’ phone number? Russo would LOVE to book and write this one!). Lure Vince down to the arena to deliver the ransom, then have him watch as the entire arena audience gets to pull a train on her. My only question would be whether he’d be more distraught at what was happening to his Billion-Dollar Princess, or that he didn’t think of doing this on PPV first.
We’ll give him a cut of the aftermarket tapes and DVDs to shut him up. “The Wrestling World’s Biggest Gangbang”, starring Steph and special guest host Ron Jeremy. We can even get Missy Hyatt for the follow-up. You know she’d do it.
This could make us a whole bunch of money…
…and here I go, attempting to find exploitive and harmful-to-others schemes that would merely enrich my own wallet. Hey, f*ck it. Capitalism is exploitation anyway. This way, we can see someone get exploited who deserves it.
And that’s a nice cheery note to begin this sucker. Let’s see what’s on tap…
THE PIMP SECTION
Robinson doesn’t want to wait for the Round Table. Look, Chris, just because we stuck you with the beer tab last time doesn’t mean we’re picking on you. Come, join us, save some work. That’s what I do with the Round Table.
Memo to Brown: we don’t hate Trip because he’s a heel. We hate Trip because he’s boring, overexposed, camera-hogging, unentertaining, and lazy in the ring unless the profile’s too high for him to hide it, not to mention all of the backstage stuff. Stop being such a f*cking mark, shut up, and just review tapes if that’s what you want to do. Leave the judgment issues to us news columnists.
Zucconi would like to get a word in about a comment from last Tuesday’s column vis-a-vis soccer:
This is in response to reader Mark Ellis, who last week wrote in and said:
“Here’s another thing that should irritate Mr Zucconi. He was talking about Totti in the South Korea game. I had the (great) pleasure of watching that amongst Italians in a French (Lyon) airport on the giant screen. Totti dived (ie. pretended someone fouled him) pretty much every time he was tackled/beaten to the ball. He’s a great player when he wants to be but he’s not the best advert to prove me wrong in my thinking that the Italians ‘cheat to win’ a lot more than other countries, especially as he was red-carded for diving in that game (bold added for emphasis).
I just think it’d behoove the rest of us if I just threw out a name: RONALDINHO. At least Totti is TOUCHED when he dives, unlike Captain Hold My Face When the Ball Didn’t Even Touch Me. Just another reason to hate Brazil, besides their constant cheating, Ronaldo (good player, but God I hate him), and the ’94 Cup Final.
SINS OF OMISSION
Well, well, well, GOP. Not only is Hitlary getting a whole lot of good, hot pub with her new book being out and all, but she’s also said the key words that are making you oh, so ticked off: she’s not running in either 2004 or 2008. No Gore, no Hitlary…no one running that you can pin any alleged past problems on. Dubbaya’s gonna have to run on his merits instead of demonizing the Clinton administration, and those merits are being shown more on a day to day basis as being lacking in all areas. Economy still sucks, no WMD in Iraq despite what Powell Senior and Rice were spinning this weekend, key allies alienated, Russia pissed off (remember, they, unlike Iraq, do have WMDs)…now if the Demos can only start behaving like adults and get something concrete together. Oh, well, it was this way in 1991 too, and that straightened itself out in a satisfactory manner.
SPORTS TICKER
I like nice, busy legit sports weekends. Last weekend was one of them; next weekend will be too (US Open, NBA finals if they go to the wire). Shall we?
Big Yellow Balls:
Blah women’s final at Roland Garros. I just couldn’t get the late Douglas Adams’ assertions about Belgium out of my mind while watching Kimmie-Poo take a dive. There wasn’t even a fantasy boner factor to come into play in this one should you feel attracted to either participant. Henin-Hardenne’s married, and Clijsters is with Hewitt. And if you can’t sexually fantasize about women’s tennis players, what interest is there in the match?
In fact, it was a helluva weekend for the Low Countries at the French. Two Belgians in the women’s final, Clijsters as half of the women’s doubles champions, and the real underdog story of the weekend, Martin Verkerk. Hell, you even had a connection to that particular geographic area in Verkerk’s opponent in the men’s finals. Juan Carlos Ferrero is from Spain, and they did once own the Netherlands, you know…yeah, it’s a stretch, but I really needed something to get me up for that match, and that was the closest thing I could think of. God knows that Verkerk’s choke didn’t provide it. Since dude had never even won a match at a Grand Slam before coming to RG, I will be merciful and not extend the Low Countries Comparison any further by mentioning the name “Jean Van De Velde”.
And for you Americans who might think that the tournament was a waste, tell that to Mike Bryan. He’s coming away from Perfidious Gaul with two titles: the men’s doubles with his twin brother Bob, and the mixed doubles with Lisa Raymond. So there’s no need to wait for Lance Armstrong per se, although that’s going to be nice when it happens.
Little White Balls:
I’m in holding action until the US Open starts Thursday. It is local for me this year, you know. So Rory Sabbatini has to get the composite graphite despite a good set at Avenel over the weekend. 7:30AM CT Thursday…Tigger, Boring ‘Ol Ernie, and Ricky Barnes on the tee…ah, paradise.
The women had a major over the weekend, though, and the LPGA Championship went to sudden-death, always exciting. One guess who the winner was. Yep, Annika. She’s on an even bigger hot streak than Kenny Perry, and got a major monkey (no pun intended) off her back. She’s never been able to pocket the LPGA Championship before Sunday. However, I will refrain from more Annika talk by request of certain e-mailers who don’t want me to mention her for a while.
However, talking about Michelle Wie has not been argued about, and considering that she made the US Women’s Open, it’s valid to do so…Jesus, she’s 13 and hits 300 yard drives. She already has a Top Ten finish in a major. She’s definitely triggering a golf-related Humbert Humbert instinct in me, despite not being my type. I must stop thinking in this direction.
Hard, Flattened, Thick Rubber Balls:
Congrats to the Devils on their Stanley Cup win. And congrats to Jean-Sebastien Giguere on winning MVP, but you’re still a f*cking loser.
It’s hockey, who cares? The season’s over, and I, for one, didn’t even know it was on.
Surgically Removed Balls:
That change in tactics that Jose Santos used for Funny Cide was disastrous. Yeah, run him in front in the slop, see if anyone can hang…well, Empire Maker did, and the middle three-quarters of the race turned out to be incredibly compelling because of it. Good match, let down by a rather weak ending. *** Of course, the best thing that I liked about the Belmont was that it ruined yet another feel-good story. I LOVE to see those mush pieces burn brightly in the flames. Guess that’s why I can’t get into the Tenacious Z shit. Well, that and the fact that I think it’s exploitation, that it involves Hogan, that it involves Vince…
But Raw doesn’t involve any of them. Not that this fact gives any hope, but it’s worth mentioning…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Bill Goldberg over Rosey (Pinfall, the usual): Two things can be gleaned from this: 1) Raw has officially become Nitro, opening with a Goldberg “match”, and 2) Apparently WWE has embarked on a Three-Moron-Warning-As-Jobbers movement, which may be the best thing they’ve done in the last year. I’ll leave to the Ravin’ Cajun to comment about the match itself:
..that was just about the quickest jackhammer I’ve ever seen. Looks like he got Rosie about two feet up, said “Screw this” and cut it short. Then again, given that Rosie’s left ass cheek weight is the same as the zip code of my hometown in pounds, that isn’t too surprising.
Oh, Beau, take last week’s Cajun comments as “no insult to you personally intended”. Although I’d rather have old-style Chicago ward bosses on my side in an election. They stole with style.
Rob Van Dam over Rene Dupree (Pinfall, leg scissors roll-up): I decided to do something smart in this match and isolate on Rene Dupree. Let me tell you, folks, I’m convinced. This kid’s got a helluva lot of potential. Let me give you the best example of this: Dupree used some magnificent body control to avoid going into the ropes on the leg scissors rollup, which would have blown the ending. Major kudos. Also, whether consciously, subconsciously, or through Pat Patterson’s advice, Dupree has latched on to the perfect template for him to become successful as both a tag and singles star. Every move he made in the Van Dam match reminded me of Rick Martel. And in case you’re wondering, that’s a good thing. Please, Rene, recognize this and keep it up. The moment La Res is split, you’re on your way.
Trish Stratus and Ivory over Jazz and Victoria (Pinfall, Ivory pins Jazz, inside cradle): Yet another good women’s tag match with only one raw, bleeding seam showing in it: Trish focused on Jazz on the outside while Victoria took her sweet time throwing Ivory off the top rope in the corner next to Trish. Other than that, let me just say that I never expected them to use Ivory as the alternate to Trish when feuding with Jazz, and I am pleasantly surprised that it’s coming off as well as it is. Give all the credit for this to Ivory, who seems to be almost as reenergized as Goldust was a number of months ago. Guess we in the IWC can’t write her off as a joke anymore.
Of course, Slick Rick has to come out and demonstrate that there’s another reason for the IWC to change their mind about Ivory:
I’m really starting to dig Ivory. Probably has something to do with the fact she has the body of an ex-girlfriend of mine and a speech pattern kind of like a future girlfriend of mine.
That’s so wonderfully obtuse that I’ll let it slide. Oh, one more thing: Jazz has been using “The Bitch is Back” as a tagline for a while now. It’s just that she’s had so little mic time she hasn’t had the chance to get it over properly.
Big Sump Pump over Lance Storm (Pinfall, facebuster): Test seems to have also realized the value of templates, and he proved to me that he’s smarter than he looks by sneaking a bit of what apparently is his chosen template into his mic work at the table. They’re going for the abusive boyfriend stuff in the overt angle, but Andrew Martin is attempting to lay the groundwork for becoming Diamond Dallas Page between the cracks. Good for him, but he’s got to survive both this stupidity and the general apathy that’s surrounded his career if it’ll work. And, oh, yeah, find about one-tenth of Page’s charisma somewhere.
Randy Orton over Novocaine Helms (Pinfall, Naitcha-ference): No comment. Just give us Flair/Michaels and an Orton/Helms rematch under serious, non-PPV-promoting conditions.
Rodney Mack over D-Von Dudley, White Boy Chall…oops (Submission, Blackout): The whole match at Bad Blood makes me wonder what they were trying to accomplish with the White Boy Challenge. Mack’s not over, the Dudz won’t help that, and now Nowinski’s caught in the vortex. Nothing good shall come out of this.
Angle Developments:
The Wheel Of Stupidity: I am NOT going to comment on Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal 2K3, other than to say that it fits in perfectly with the ridiculousness of the whole Redneck Triathlon concept.
Well, Duh: Believe it or not, Trip’s run-in on Foley’s promo was a good thing for once. Foley was definitely out of practice. He wasn’t his normal crisp self on the mic. The tete-a-tete with Trip definitely helped the overall promo. I don’t blame Foley entirely, though. The material (especially the repeated “1-2-3” motif) sounded as if it was written for Terry Funk, who loved doing idees fixe like these. The whole “coward” angle was insulting and demeaning, and they didn’t need to use it. Besides, Mick’s doing this to pimp the book, right? So please tell me exactly when the book was pimped and in what manner during this whole schmeer.
Anyone else think that Trip should have walked out in an oversized white suit and made spastic movements in every direction (moreso than he usually does)? If I’m David Byrne, I’m definitely considering a defamation of character suit after that promo. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime chance for him, you know.
As per the choice of ref, all it did was prove that, indeed, 38% of WWE’s audience is braindead and insensate.
The WCW Technicians Have Jobs Again: Sound work during the Orton/Novocaine match, the camera missing the spin part of the Christiaroonie…was a certain group of people taking advantages of the enjoyments of Vice City for too extended a period of time on Sunday?
Slick Rick claims the lack of care goes deeper:
Can we PLEASE get Booker some real ring music? The Harlem Heat theme was old about 5 years ago… One of my favorite workers, and he’s the last one I know of stuck with a Jimmy Hart penned ring theme. (Im assuming it was Jimmy, he was writing all the WCW stuff during that era).
Wrong. Booker’s theme is actually stock music. However, there is still one guy using a Jimmy Hart-penned theme in WWE: Shawn Michaels. And memo to Tempo30: the only one allowed to abuse Slick Rick is me. You start bitching at him, you got me on your ass. Got it?
Memo To Christopher Nowinski: Being a fellow white male Pole genius graduate of an elite university, I can empathize with your feelings of oppression and your status as a minority. However, I do have to question your methods. You may feel like you’re expressing your grievances in a constructive manner, but, let’s face it, Chris, you’re getting yourself stuck with Rodney Mack. We Poles have experienced a torturous existence as a people. Why compound the torture?
MAILBAG!
Flair has more workrate in his scrotum than Goldberg has in his whole body. – Slick Rick
Old Friends get priority over even Regulars, and that’s why Charlie Owens has the God Spot again:
So, from the home office in…….well, your home,
Literally both, in this case. That’s why I live alone and rent two-bedroom apartments.
Top 10 Things Involved In a Great Episode of Raw.
“1) No Flex.”
I will quietly let this go. But, c’mon, deep down inside, admit it to yourself, if not to me…….you missed him a little.
I missed calling him Flex, but that’s just about all. The Rock heel character is superior and bulletproof, and does not need to be sold as heel or face. He just…well, is. Leave it that way. You and I have been going around in circles for three and a half years about this, Charlie. I’ve never going to like the guy, period.
“2) No Austin.”
Now what is this about? It can’t still be all the WHATing going on. He may not be an integral part of the show, but he’s a better promo than most of the roster, and his little “motivational speech” with Kane was an interesting part of the show.
Part of it is “What?!” Part of it is the fact that he’s stale as eight-day-old sourdough. Part of it is the taste I get in my mouth when I see him and realize what a truly repulsive human being he is, and how repulsive WWE is for continuing to welcome him back. The ends don’t justify the means with him anymore, Charlie.
“3) No Trip or only minimal amounts.”
Replace “only minimal amounts” with “Shawn” and I’m right there with ya!
But only if he’s out cutting promos with/against Flair. Magical.
“4) No Nash.”
I can’t argue with this, and I’m not gonna try. As much as I hate to say this, Keith has it right: The only way HITC won’t suck is if Foley’s the ref and he does all the bumping while Hunter and Nash play 5 Card Stud in the aisle.
What upsets me is the card they built for Bad Blood. High-quality material all around, assuming Jericho:Goldberg::Flair:broomstick. And then they pull this out as the main event. Foley or not, there is no way it’s not going to suck. If they weren’t committed to format, they should have just gone with Street Fight. It seemed to have worked well at Insurrexion (or at least tolerably).
“5) No Sump Pump and no Test.”
Half of this I won’t argue with. Test has been the unfortunate victim of several bad booking moves, as well as good old fashioned apathy on his part. The “testicles” thing was getting him over, but now he’s a speed bump in the Path of (roid) Rage. Kicking him off the show would be just mean. Maybe trade him to Smackdown for……Kanyon? Spanky? This Gowan kid? (assuming the boy can wrestle)
Kanyon. With him, you’ve got a golden feud with Van Dam waiting to happen. Booker/Kanyon would also be terrific. He’d add some entertainment value to the upper-mid-card, which neither Test nor Sump Pump will do if re-elevated.
“6) No Novocaine Helms.”
Hush, you. So you find him boring. He’s another over, good (not great, just god) wrestler that they don’t need to drop. Some actual good booking would be nice, but one step at a time.
But the gimmick, Charlie, the gimmick…it’s why I’ve hated the guy since he was in 3 Count (and you definitely know I have). Helms has the miraculous talent of getting gimmicks that would kill the careers of 90% of wrestlers who had to play them, and gets over with them. I hate the gimmick, he takes the gimmick, he gets over with it, the gimmick stays on my screen. Any wonder why I hate him? He’s an incubator for the psychological equivalent of toxin-secreting mold. As more time goes by, I think he could actually pull off the Red Rooster.
I leave you with a pleasant thought involving the “Winner Gets Stacy” match: Steiner winds up outside, leaning against the guardrail. Stacy sneaks up behind him, while Test gets on the apron. Test jumps, Stacy shoves. Steiner goes into the post, Test hits the guardrail, both guys are counted out, and your leggy-yet-flat is free of them both.
Not enough for me. Both of them have to be declared brain-dead on the spot (okay, not a difficult proposition considering the people involved) and My Beautiful and Beloved freed permanently from their mere presence.
Let that little wet dream get you to sleep tonight. :)
Get enough Klonopin in me, and I’ll believe she’s right there beside me, like she should be.
Regular Timothy Byrne contributes another Aussie Analogy to good ol’ WWE, and since I happen to enjoy Australian Rules when I can catch it, I’m going to include it here:
I’ve been very strongly struck (alliteration ahoy!) by the similarities between the WWE and a sporting team in Melbourne called Carlton (or in the American style, the Carlton Blues.)
Carlton (in Australian Rules football) was a team that has historically been very successful. They have won about as many premierships as any other of the teams. They had NEVER finished last on the ladder, in a league that has existed since 1897.
In the mid-90s, Carlton started to slip. They performed less well, they struggled for meaningful success, although still no disgrace. This is the important point : rather than re-building, they recruited players who could still perform to an extent, but were past their prime (eg. in their late 20s). This maintained the quality on an immediate basis, but at the cost of long-term planning. This also meant that Carlton financially was greatly stretched because of the high salaries that these aging-but-still-good players were in a position to demand, as compared to the cost of a rookie’s salary.
And what happened? In 2002 the wheels finally came off, Carlton suffered a few unlucky injuries, the players were too old to perform adequately, and the team finished bottom of the ladder (16th out of 16), and due to dodgy spending and salary cap breaches, suffered massive fines and loss of draft picks.
Join the dots people – short-term planning, reliance on aging performers, spending out of proportion to a player’s future potential, reluctance to draft unproven rookies….. have I seen this movie before?
Yes, Tim, but we still need someone to analogize directly to Trip. It wouldn’t be a WWE-doom-and-gloom analogy without a direct comparison to Trip. The wrestling audience demands it. I haven’t been following footy lately, and never followed Carlton when I did, so I can’t give one. That means you must provide.
Reaction to Kurt Angle’s return coming up. First of all, Jeremy Henderson:
What do you think it means that on the night Kurt Angle returns, his lackeys Team Angle don’t even appear on the show? The top heel on the show leaves for months, comes back as a good guy, so what happens to his evil cronies? How do they react to him suddenly being a hero? Are WWE actually
telling us they don’t know how to build a storyline out of that setup? Jesus Christ, an infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of typewriters may be able to reproduce the complete works of Shakespeare, but you’d have to remove their frontal lobes before they’d be freaking dumb enough to give us the booking the WWE Creative staff gives us.
Honestly, I think they might be pulling a wait-and-see on this. See what happens with Angle, then go forward with any kind of plan you can with Haas and Benjamin. If Angle had come back with an audience heel reaction, stay the course. But now that it’s a definite face reaction, there are a number of ways to go with Haas and Benjamin, and time will tell. So, I agree with keeping them out. Get the focus on Kurt for at least one night so you can get an indication of which direction to go in.
Zac Hartman decides to fantasy-book those options, despite the fact that he himself admits that fantasy booking sucks:
Since Team Angle are heels and Angle is a face, Heyman along with Team Angle could come out and cut a promo against Angle. Hass could say that he joined Team Angle to be like his idol Kurt. Benjamin joined Team Angle because Brock was a dick to him during his college days when they were
teammates. Benjamin wanted to side with the man who wanted to beat the hell out of Brock, not pay respect to him. Then Hass would walk away from Team Angle to be with his idol, where Heyman would stick with Benjamin. That would set up an immediate Hass vs. Benjamin fued. Then Angle could either get the title or have a huge match or somethin. Anyways, Angle would lose the match and that loss would make Hass become disillusioned with his idol. Since Hass would worship him as a god, the loss would show that Angle is mortal. Then Hass would turn his back on his formal Idol and you have another instant fued. Now this wouldnt happen over a 2 or even 3 month course but this could take place over the course of a year if done right. Then Hass could rejoin Benjamin and that could freshen up the tag ranks assuming they go stale in a year like the tag teams seem to always do. I think this angle would do a couple things:
1) It would tell the audience why Team Angle formed the partnership, thus giving the audience a reason to care about the wrestlers as individuals.
2) It would produce instant fueds (Hass vs Benjamin), but it also plants the seeds for future fueds as well (Brock vs Benjamin for the lack of respect, Hass vs Angle for forcing Hass to realize that his idol was not a god). The Hass/Angle idol I think could really make sense especially since more and more god-like idols are being brought down to earth (Sosa).
3)It also brings Heyman back to an onscreen manager role.
I know that this will never happen or anything remotely close it would ever happen, I was just curious if you thought it was a decent angle idea. I have no other purpose for writing to you other than wondering what your opinion on that little idea was.
Very good ideas, definitely something along the lines I’d do, but I won’t take them seriously until you learn how to spell “feud” correctly, along with about 75% of the IWC.
And Regular Andrew Brown had a wonderful observation about said subject:
How bout that Angle guy, huh? If Vince ever needed solid proof as to why kayfabe will never work again, I’ll simply point to the “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’ve missed hearing those two words. PLAY MY MUSIC!” quote from Angle. Kudos to Angle for not losing it in the middle of his promo either. He choked up a few times during the whole thing.
Kurt Angle, quite frankly, has a seat waiting for him at the Restaurant At The Summit Of Mount Perpetually Over. It was the seat that Trip had reserved.
Special kudos to Nic Howells for mailing me an at-the-site reflection of Insurrexion. Glad you loved the show.
Gimmickless asks an interesting question:
Is that John King quote from an article? If so, could you forward the URL/document? I tried Googling, but I couldn’t find the quote anywhere.
Well, I hope to f*ck it’s not found on Google (except for the column itself). That came in an e-mail from my fascist bud to me. Sometimes I pull opening quotes out of e-mails if they’re good enough. Big Daddy is a multiple-time award winner. Slick Rick’s had that treatment. So has the Ravin’ Cajun. And this isn’t the first time I’ve used John for it. I have the greatest correspondents in the IWC, period, and being able to use their work like this both credits them and takes a lot of pressure off me.
Memo to Tim Grandi: Nice job, but you’re really stating the obvious in your conclusions about why ST Classic fans don’t respond to the newer series. Now, as per the Christopher Pike-era series, that wasn’t virgin enough territory for the Killer Bs. The ideal compromise, showing true evolution from the beginning, would have been a Robert April-era series (yes, he’s canonical according to the official sources as the first captain of Enterprise 0), which also could have touched on some of the topics you brought up.
And as for Janeway saying that someone like Sulu couldn’t have been a Starfleet captain in Trek Present, that just shows what kind of a hypocrite she is. She did shit week after week that would have made Kirk embarassed. You know, if she didn’t preach following the f*cking Prime Directive, maybe it’d be easier to take, but she’s…no, I am not getting on another “Janeway Is Satan” rant.
And to close, I’d like to note that Finding Nemo ain’t so good. In fact, it’s just about as bad as Toy Story 2, and for the same reason: too many human characters. The explanation for the lack of quality is simple: it’s Pixar’s last movie on their current contract with Disney, and they hold the whip hand with any other co-pros because of their track record. Therefore, they could treat this as a blow-off and concentrate on the next one. Jobs and his crew will still get their cash, Disney will still get $150M at the box, everyone’s happy. Except me, because I watched this. Until tomorrow…
About Eric Szulczewski
