Last night
Ryder Fakin: Hello Hi-8, GRUT left us holding the bag…you wanna do the teaser?
Hyatte1com: Hello Flea. Wow, this conversation doesn’t feel rehearsed at all.
Hyatte1com: why am I being disturbed on Thursday? What’s that kid done now?
Hyatte1com: for Chrissakes… here’s the teaser…
Hyatte1com: King of the Internet and his sidekick Flea honor Grut with a
tribute column while Josh is fondling Tommy Tune
Ryder Fakin: it ain’t Thursday yet…Netcop’s Smarkdown Recap ain’t up!
Hyatte1com: Jesus Christ… go a f*cking day without bringing his name up, please
Hyatte1com: you people… no wonder he’s f*cking obsessed with himself… he sucks, you suck, you all suck and… and… and… oh f*ck this. Junk News Huzzah!
Hello, my name is Chris and umm huzzah?
FLEA: huzzah I still have no idear what that means FANGOL!
Chris Hyatte, not Josh Grut. Grut has better things to do with his time right now so he asked me to fill in. Of course, I told him to piss off. Then Flea said that he was doing it and had a brilliant idea for it. So I said okay, what the hell. So I’m here with Flea.
Now Flea is going to say something and probably call me a cocksucker in the process.
FLEA: nah, I’ll just put you below Netcop on the IWC100. Oops, been there done that
Shoot, Hi –Rate .you do some Classic GRUT first and then I’ll add my two cents, hoping I don’t get an email asking for change
Hyatte: I always wondered what it would be like to have a drunken Jew be in love with me. Unfortunately, Widro has a penis. Thank God, Josh came along.
This is one of Josh’s earliest letters to me.
411: OUR WRITERS LIKE BOOZE!!!!
To officially welcome aboard the great Josh Grut to our little website, I shall post a letter he wrote to me thanking me for putting up his great work.
I’m pretty drunk right now, and I’m not writing that to you cause you wrote a report
while drunk to impress you. Just stating the soon to be obvious. It’s six am and my toe’s bleeding. My stupid friend got looked at by this persian motherf**ker and said, “What, you wanna start something?” Anyway, it’s not that I think I can be an invaluable part of the 411 column team. Between you, now Norton, Gamble and Daniels (who plugged me also so I have to give him props for his pet wrestlers column) the site is not exactly lacking for incredible writers. And pretty much anyone can write incredible wrestling fiction out of the four of you. Mine isn’t even that incredible. I’m my own worst critic, I think some of the parts suck sh*t. Anyway, I’m not blaming you or anything and I don’t want to get a swell head about 7 f**king fan mails from people who could probably give 2 sh*ts in hell about me five days later. It’s just that I turn 21 on Saturday and I think I’ve finally found something I’m kind of good at. I don’t try to write about wrestling. I try to write about people. The point is, and I’ll hopefully be able to unsend this as soon as I wake up tomorrow, and I’m sorry if I offend you right now, please don’t get the whole f**king internet to e-mail me and tell me what a douche I am, I think I can provide something different, something unique to the website. Like I stated above, I know that any of you four could provide a fiction wrestling column that doesn’t involve the Undertaker f**king someone, but I really love it. I just wrote I really involve it before deleating that. I’m sorry. I don’t think AOL allows me to delete mail sent to non AOL people. Since Scoops, I have been a huge fan of yours. Whether you made me laugh or offended me, you always provoked a reaction out of me, which is more then I can say for almost any other internet wrestling columnist/recapper. You’ve only read 2 columns of mine, and I deserve no props, no credit, and certainly no full time job for just 2 columns. I’m not going to go so far as to say that you’re my idol, but you are a writer I highly respect, and since I sent you Mr. Rodriguez helps, I’ve been checking my email whenever possible to get feedback. I did the same thing with the Andrew Turrow story which you eventually posted without responding to my request for feedback. I’m so sorry. I’m thinking about just clicking on the x. You’re not my girlfriend. I’m not your girlfriend. You don’t have to hear me bitch. Honestly, this is one of the hazards of being a somewhat celebrity. You’ll get people who’ll you do small favors for who’ll want more and more and more. Don’t think I don’t know how busy you are. I’m almost sure you’re not a full time web wrestling reporter type guy. You also have to find time to have a social life. And meanwhile there are pricks like me who type you manifestos while drunk. I need to stop this. Listen, I hope you like my work. I know Tom Daniels likes some of my work, and we know Tom Daniels has all the power (money women) at 411. I should not have driven tonight. At least I sobered up some. I hope Widro likes my writing. The point of this is, I’d love to write a fiction column for 411. While I’m sure I’ll never meet you, it would be an honor to work with you. That’s it. Just two reminders: 1. I’m drunk. Seriously. My friend Zach is a f**king idiot. 2. I’m not asking for anything. If you see something that impresses you, great. If you agree with me in thinking my writing is more often then not amatuerish, then you can just write back to me and tell me to go f**k myself. I know you don’t remember, it was a while ago, but me being Jewish wrote you something about a Goldberg joke that I thought was out of context. You did not reply kindly. I was very offended and wrote you another letter. How the f**k do I remember all this? I swear to God, I do not think about this daily or anything. The only correspondence I truly dwell upon is that I have with Scott Keith.
Scott Keith: …and that’s why I’d fellate Chris Benoit for five cents on the dollar.
VPJG: I’m sorry. You sent the wrong IM.
Scott Keith: Sorry! Anyway, that’s why I’d fellate Lance Storm for five cents on the dollar.
I am so drunk. I’m sorry I wasted your time. I should be sleeping. I’m seriously debating sending this or not. I’ve opted to send you the most…
FLY ME IN FIRST CLASS AND GET ME KICKED OUT OF MY JOB
The always observing Observer has reported that WCW referee Billy Silverman is gone from the WWF. It is possible that this stems from his upgrading a plane ticket to first class, which is a breach of WWF etiquette.
It did not help that during the flight he dropped his pants and chased a flight attendant around. Silverman is slated to return in a few years as the snooty commissioner.
HE LOVES ME NOT
Hyatte: And then, Josh and I had a little falling out. His hero (that would be me) spat on him and discarded him like so many Puerto Rican hookers. Josdh’s heart was broken. He couldn’t stop the tears he lashed out at me. Sort of.
****
You ever have someone you respected and in a way revered treat you like crap? You ever wish you could make this person not treat you like crap, so you respect and revere him even more? You ever then realize that this person will never respect you as long as you revere him, so you say screw it and take him off your buddy list so you don’t have to debate with yourself whether or not to IM him when he’s online? Well, I recently experienced something like that, and I have a message for the person who upset me.
I’ll get you Carlos! I’ll get you if it’s the last thing I do!
I just want everyone who reads this or a Wrestling Tale to feel free to IM me. I won’t snap at you. I won’t yell at you. I’ll treat you right.
Hyatte: I almost felt guilty oh hell, I DID feel guilty and allowed him the opportunity to apologize. He did and we’ve been good friends ever since.
Alright, my turn here is my Classic Grut
The GRUT says:
Thanks to Hyatte, who said I looked handsome. I must remind him of a younger version of his father. See, he makes all these jokes about how his dad rapes him Nevemind.
In the second match of the tournament, Eddie fights Rikishi. Rikishi wins. This is a huge upset from my point of view. My point of view is from the tennis court, where I’m currently up a set against my good friend. WORST. JOKE. EVER.
Steve Austin has filed for divorce from his wife, Debra. Steve is upset but hopes that Debra is able to get on with her life and meets a very nice waiter who leaves his glasses at her house.
Bret Hart is recovering well from his bike accident, and should be up and having sex with Sunny in no time.
VPJG: Wow. Clever. You’re making me miss PK.
Ryder Fakin: Ten lines in and you go to gimmick
VPJG: Angle is the improvement on Ric Flair. Every match he has, when given the opportunity, is a great one.
Ryder Fakin: GRUT = funnier than a carload of dead babies
VPJG: FLEA= Drunker then a carload for of micks on St. Patty’s Day.
VPJG: Flea=Drunker then the entire Puerto Rican Day parade combined.
Ryder Fakin: I can’t bitch about Angle…except he has a hell of a lot of nerve saying “I’m Great!” when he ain’t had a ***** match
VPJG: Bull f*cking shit.
VPJG: Benoit at the Royal Rumble this year.
Ryder Fakin: And learn how to spell Puerto Rican…S.P.I.C.
VPJG: That’s why I edit this thing
Either way. Call me Grutman, call me Grut, call me asswipe, just don’t call me late for dinner!
TIME FOR 8 DEGREES OF GRYDER FAKIN!
At Wrestlemania 14, Stone Cold fought Shawn Michaels
The special guest enforcer for that match was Mike Tyson
It is rumored that Mike Tyson bit Lenox Lewis at a recent press conference
Lenox Lewis was in the movie Ocean’s 11 with Brad Pitt
Brad Pitt is married to Jennifer Aniston
Jennifer Aniston appears on the hit show Friends on NBC
NBC also showed the cooking show Emeril, about a cook who made food
You know who loves to eat food? Bob Ryder!
Hmmm. Why would they be squashing DDP? Maybe because the crowd doesn’t care about him? You ever think of that Flea? Hey, Flea, you say you like having sex with goats? You think that your penis is super small? You think that I’m a better writer than you and my readership has far outgrown yours and this is a little ploy to get a better hit count? If you agree with everything I’ve just said, let the next word you write be Terri.
FLEA: Fuck you.
Well, one of you guys almost got me kicked out of NYU, but it’s all my fault.
Vader has been arrested for driving drunk and resisting arrest. The sad thing is that he wasn’t actually drunk. He was just wearing that weird mask and couldn’t see. He threatened the cops thinking that they were all Sting. The last time Vader watched WCW, there were like a million Stings.
Joshua Grut. Desire.
Intro music plays in the background. Joshua Grut is sitting in front of his computer.
Joshua Grut: I never really imagined doing something like this. I mean, I was a big fan of Hyatte’s for awhile, and I got a couple of little comments published on Al Isaac’s main page. Remember after the Schiavone comments about Foley, Isaac’s put up a quote that said, “The first time he said it, I thought it was unprofessional. The second time, I thought it was disgusting. The third time, I turned off Nitro for the night.†That was me. I said that.
HELLO OLD FRIEND WE MEET AGAIN
BEEN AWHILE, WHERE SHOULD I BEGIN?
FEELS LIKE FOREVER.
Joshua Grut types on his computer and eats a personal pizza. He speaks over the music.
Joshua Grut: It’s not that I hate Widro. I just happen to know that he has lots and lots of gold hidden in his basement underneath the furnace. If I were to kill Widro and take over his life like in one of those stupid movies, not only would I get the gold, but I’d get 411wrestling dot com. The website is a money machine.
Joshua Grut suddenly stops talking and with a determined look begins to type and eat.
WHEN YOU ARE WITH ME, I’M FREE!
I’M WEIGHTLESS, I BELIEVE!
ABOVE ALL OTHERS, WE’LL FLY.
WHICH BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES.
MY SACRIFICE.
Various shots of Joshua Grut eating pizza and typing as music plays. In one shot, Joshua Grut suddenly jerks away from the computer and stares at the camera. In another shot, Joshua Grut turns away from his pizza and stares intently at the camera. In another shot, Joshua Grut sits in his underwear at his computer, typing and eating a personal pizza. In another shot, Edge spears Joshua Grut. In another shot, Joshua Grut sits at his computer, typing and eating a personal pizza.
Joshua Grut: I’m not special. I’m not some kind of God just because I have a couple of thousand people reading my work every week. I’m not, am I? Really, I’m not, right? I’m not some kind of God just because I work for a wrestling website. I can see how Scott Keith could be confused, but I have my feet on the ground. Oh, tell my secretary to send Scott Keith a box of candy and a note of apology. What do you mean I don’t have a secretary? I should have one. Let’s work on that.
I JUST WANT TO SAY HELLO AGAIN!
(PAUSE)
WHEN YOU ARE WITH ME, I’M FREE
I WEIGHTLESS, I BELIEVE
ABOVE ALL OTHERS, WE’LL FLY
WHICH BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES
BA DUM
WHEN YOU ARE WITH ME, I’M FREE!
Josh Grut eats pizza and types as the song goes on. He then turns to the camera.
Joshua Grut: If it’s all about one thing, it’s all about the fans. Well, the fans and the feeling of self importance I get doing a job that probably most any wrestling fan who passed 12th grade English could do. I mean, I become the man! People actually respect my opinion about something! For at least a few hours a day I become more then Joshua Grutman, ordinary college commuter. I become Joshua Grut, a respected journalist. I become a superstar, and I’m not going to let go of this until I get bored or something better comes along.
MY SACRIFICE.
DESIRE!
Alright .both Hyatte and I had enough of f*cking around with this hence it ain’t a Top 20 list, because you would have to put some EFFORT into it, rather than half ass his half assed behavior and NO SHOW, like GRUT
Luckily, Hyatte and I were able to track him down!
(10:03:33 PM) Hyatte1com has entered the room.
Ryder Fakin (10:03:46 PM): quit typing you prick
Ryder Fakin (10:04:01 PM): thank you
Hyatte1com (10:04:08 PM): you prick
Hyatte1com (10:09:38 PM): flea sucks
Ryder Fakin (10:14:49 PM): Grut you are lazier than…
Ryder Fakin (10:15:05 PM): what the hell, hi-8?
(10:15:11 PM) VPJG has entered the room.
VPJG (10:15:19 PM): What’s up? I’m at TEMPLE
Hyatte1com (10:15:35 PM): FUCK YOU
Hyatte1com (10:15:38 PM): GRUT SUCKS
Ryder Fakin (10:15:41 PM): it’s about damn time and TEMPLE tourney is keeping you from 411?
Hyatte1com (10:15:43 PM): FUCKING GRUT
Hyatte1com (10:15:47 PM): JEW
VPJG (10:15:53 PM): Yes, instead of writing my report or working on the play, at TEMPLE
Ryder Fakin (10:16:01 PM): does it pay?
VPJG (10:16:06 PM): yes
Hyatte1com (10:16:07 PM): HOW DO YOU SPELL YOUR LAST NAME JOSH? J.E.W.??
Hyatte1com (10:16:15 PM): FUCK YOU
VPJG (10:16:20 PM): =)
Ryder Fakin (10:16:26 PM): good…what you win goes in my pocket….i’m doing you a huge favor
Hyatte1com (10:16:34 PM): FUCK YOUFUCK YOUFUCK YOUFUCK YOUFUCK YOU
Ryder Fakin (10:16:35 PM): you know, i have the IWC 100 to work on
Hyatte1com (10:16:52 PM): FUCK YOUFUCK YOUFUCK YOUFUCK YOUFUCK YOU
VPJG (10:16:59 PM): Okay. See you guys later.
(10:17:02 PM) VPJG has left the room.
Hyatte1com (10:17:02 PM): WHAT’S 1000 JEWS IN A GAS CHAMBER???
Hyatte1com (10:17:12 PM): A GOOD ST…. oh that little hebe
Ryder Fakin (10:18:04 PM): you know…that kid ran faster than a guy name Schwartz at a German Beer Festival
Ryder Fakin (10:19:12 PM): f*ck you…and my spelling…I’m drinking, typing, smoking and talking to a ….what the f*ck is GRUT’s problem
Ryder Fakin (10:19:12 PM: FUCK YOU GRUT
Hyatte1com (10:19:30 PM): dunno… guilty over that whole Christ killing thing?
Ryder Fakin (10:19:55 PM): i would imagine…you think they would get over that by now. Christ screwed Christ
Hyatte1com (10:20:27 PM): damn hippie
Hyatte1com (10:20:52 PM): all Pontius Pilate wanted was for him to get a damn haircut
Ryder Fakin (10:21:02 PM): enough of this. Chat is a little silly for two people the same age as Christ
Ryder Fakin (10:22:05 PM): it ain’t like GRUT isn’t going to read this…same age as Christ, HI-Rate….put two and two together
Hyatte1com (10:23:20 PM): you know… I never did pull enough fish for an army out of one basket but I did force feed my ex-girlfriend some bad salmon…. she puked all over her mother’s new couch… oh I laughed and paughed and laughed
****
and so ends Junk News Fangol
Hyatte: Yeah… how was copper wire invited?
Two Jews were fighting for a penny!
BOOYAA… MIDNIGHT NEWS, THIS SUNDAY!!!!! GOODNIGHT, YOU HARDONS!!!!!!
FLEA: I think that sums it up don’t forget to check out the IWC 100 – commentary added randomly last night and MORE tomorrow (and all weekend!)
