Junk News, Huzzah! 07.31.03


Sorry about last week. I gave birth to twins.


The Lance Storm boring gimmick was set up so that Lance could find a charismatic tag team partner to perform fish out of water sketches with. Unfortunately, there are currently no charismatic wrestlers on Raw.

Vince was very tired at the Smackdown taping. Well, that’s to be expected. He has been running in place for two years now.

Is MLW the next ECW? More importantly, MLW exists?

Mick Foley will be making a three city tour of Ohio to promote his book. “You want me to make it out to The Rick? Okay, winner!”

Triple H suffered an injured groin and was unable to go to Australia with the Raw roster. Stephanie, when he cums you can stop yanking.

The WWE is hopeful HHH will be okay by Summerslam to fight Goldberg. If he is not, look for HHH to sadly hand the title off to Goldberg at the event, and then Goldberg will immediately drop the belt to Shawn Michaels.

It appears that Kane will fight Shane McMahon at Summerslam! Brock Lesnar will fight Kurt Angle! Chris Benoit will fight Rhyno! Zach Gowen will fight Matt Hardy! Rico will fight Maven! Spike Dudley will fight the Easter Bunny! The Basham Brothers will fight Spanky and, um, Orlando Jones! Stephanie McMahon will fight Gail Kim! Vince McMahon will fight Linda McMahon with Steve Austin and Eric Bischoff as the special guest referees! Jack Wrestler will fight Moose McCarthy! The Ultimo Dragon will fight Mr. Plumber! In a triple threat match, Randy Orton will fight Booby Bigtitsen and Shawn Michaels! Shawn Michaels will fight Arnold Hamburger! Tootie will fight The Incredible Growing Weed! John Cena will fight the Undertaker in a Take No Prisoners In The Forest match! Toland the Tank will fight Goldberg! It’s going to be awesome!

Bradshaw now has a website for his book, Have More Money Now! Great, another spam site.

You know, there’s no news left to make fun of besides the Smackdown stuff. I’m just going to make stuff up.

Lex Luger was anally raped in prison by ten black men paid off by Randy Savage.

Ric Flair was married on Tuesday to Stephanie McMahon. What this means for HHH’s hold on the top spot only time will tell.

Rhyno turned on Chris Benoit at Vengeance because Rhyno was on his period.

Gail Kim is expected to head back to OVW to work on being hot and Asian and doing flippy things.

Hulk Hogan, out of the public spotlight and no longer needing to look the part of Hulk Hogan, has turned a ghastly pale shade of white.

Chris Jericho called Booker T the n word. Booker T kicked the shit out of Jericho. No one calls Booker T noxious! See what I did there? Oh, you did. In fact, you kind of predicted the joke? You suck.

Former Intercontinental Champion Koko B Ware killed and ate Frankie due to hunger. Koko was IC champ, right? Screw it.

Chuckie, having had so much fun in WCW, is getting ready to appear in the WWE as Lance Storm’s charismatic tag team partner.

Floppy tits! So floppy. So tit like. Floppy tits are friends.

Okay. Let’s do Smackdown.

Angle, Brock and Vince begin the show as Brock wants a rematch but Vince wants a tag team match and Kurt just wants everyone to calm down and then Tazz says something and everything just goes nuts and then other stuff happens and Alyson Hannigan runs in and as much as I love her I just saw her talk to John Stewart and she isn’t the smartest chip in the computer and then Brock and Angle leave.

Rey fights Benjamin in a MMT match. (Minorities Matter Too.)

Torrie enters the hotel room where she is to have sex with Noble. Torrie is slow to enter the room, but enter it she does. She turns to Noble, his eyes burning with desire, and begs him to let her go. Noble turns towards the window, his emotions conflicting, eating him alive. If he loves this woman as he feels he does, does he let her flee? Perhaps she would stay if he showed her the boys he bought for the occasion. He shows each sex toy to the ever more repulsed Torrie and discovers he is only succeeding in shocking her more. The camera fades to black as Noble prays for God to give him the strength to find the secret to unlocking Torrie’s heart.

Benoit fights Doink in lieu of Rhyno. The secret of this match? Well, you’ll have to tune in to find out! Actually, there is no secret. I just wanted to be a big man.

Noble finally gets the courage to mount his steed, his princess, his playmate Torrie when there is a knock on the door. “Knock knock,” goes the door. Anxious to sleep with his prize but glad that the tension has been broken, Noble leaves a relieved Torrie to answer the knocking sound that came from the door and was presumably a door knock. Lo and behold, Nidia, Noble’s true love, stands in the open doorway and leaps upon her man! She makes love to him as Noble realizes that he does not need to sleep with a playmate! He does not need a woman with large breasts and blond hair and a supple buttocks. He has a woman who loves him, a woman who has proven that she is ‘tough enough’ to be with him on more than one occasion. Noble loves his Nidia and Nidia loves her Noble as Torrie watches on in what seems to be disgust, but is actually so much more. Sure, this woman who has had her choice of men and as of late women was not looking forward to her second bout of televised forced sex with a WWE wrestler, but why did Noble choose Nidia over her? Torrie watches on as she begins to doubt herself as the camera fades to black.

Kurt and Brock bullshit backstage.

Eddie fights Tajiri in the second MMT match of the night. So far 3 foreigners, an African American and a clown have fought. The white American continues to be crushed. I said, “Hey! Let’s elect Buchanan!” No one listened.

Shannon Moore with his possibly gay partner Matt Hardy fight Zach Gowen. Zach might not win this match, but he gets beaten like a bitch afterwards so he comes out looking strong.

Cena fights Orlando Jones. Cena raps before the match about how much The Replacements sucked. Cena can be a real jerk sometimes.

Noble and Nidia finish showering with one another, finish cleansing one another. Having washed away the doubt and mistrust, the two come to the conclusion that they might as well take advantage of the fact that they have one of the most beautiful women in the world as their sexual slave for the evening. They tell Torrie that they will include the buxom blonde in their love making. Torrie is upset but almost relieved that she is still desirable, and although hesitant she moves slowly towards the loving couple. Torrie is prepared to give her vagina, her breasts, her lips to this pair to fulfill the terms of the deal she proposed and to fulfill a part of herself that has been empty for so long. Suddenly, a knock comes from the door. “Knock knock,” the door once again says in a much angrier tone. This time angered by the interruption, Noble rushes to the door to yell at the intruder only to discover that it is the Assman himself, Billy Gunn! Billy has arrived to defend the honor of his woman, of his playmate, of his most recent lover. Billy threatens Noble, but Noble swears that he has not touched Torrie and begs Billy not to hurt him. Billy turns to a now slightly aroused and sexually confused Torrie who confirms everything that Noble has said. As Billy celebrates saving the woman he needs more than oxygen, Noble and Nidia, the true lovers, begin to once again make the truest of love. Billy and Torrie watch, enamored by the display of affection between these two most unlikely of people and get aroused themselves. While Billy’s face looks blank as per usual, a naughty look comes over the lovely face of the lovely Torrie Wilson as the camera fades to black.

Brock and Vince screw around backstage.

The camera comes up on the hotel room, and all four participants are lying in bed together! Noble is happy because he got to make love to Torrie, experiment with Billy (which led Noble to the conclusion that he is not even a little gay), and discover that while he may lust over others, he now knows for sure that his heart lies in the hands of Nidia. Nidia is happy because she has secured her man for the rest of her life while being able to also make love to two beautiful people she used as props. Torrie is happy because she has gotten her self esteem back, learned that Billy cares about her a great deal, and was able to have sex by choice instead of being forced into it. Billy is happy due to having sex with Noble. So in the end, all are happy, and all is well that ends well.

Now for an alternative version of the Torrie-Noble saga done by the child of Flea and Scott Keith.

Torrie walks into Noble’s hotel room. He has a bunch of sex toys and shit. -****

Nidia comes in and stops Noble from f*cking Torrie by f*cking Noble. -*********

Billy saves Torrie from getting f*cked by Noble and Nidia but Noble and Nidia f*ck anyway. -*******************************************

All four of the them f*ck and they all act all stupid and happy. The writers are retarded. -************************DUDBONZOGONZOFUCKSHITDUD****FUCK

A-Train and the Big Show fight Angle and Lesnar. Next week, Lesnar vs. McMahon in a steel cage with Kurt Angle as special guest ref! I think we all know where this is going. Lesnar and McMahon are going to beat the shit out of Angle. Wrestling is stupid and predictable. Sorry. Sorry. I need to get out of Keith mode ah. There I am. Hey! I’m 100 pounds lighter!

Just kidding Scott! Scott Keith, good guy.

Junk News! Huzzah!


This isn’t really a plug, but whatever. Now, I would NEVER ask for information on how to find the beta Jedi Academy game. That would be illegal. I would NEVER ask advice from Eric S only to find his ways weren’t working for me. If anyone knows an easy way to find and download the beta version of the game, or a location it is at, please DO NOT tell me how. It would NOT be very much appreciated. *wink*

I think the wink helped.

The little things in life are very important to John B. Haley. Haley is becoming quite the popular writer at the site. There’s even talk of him winning best column. Time to pop out another four wrestling tales by October, I guess. Damn competition never learns.

Ross Williams is doing some kind of top 20 list. Nostalgia or something. It’s all good.

Finally, I’m sending you guys to the forums. My boy Socko has this show he’s putting on there called No Spin Zone! He’s a funny guy and this is a cute bit he has going, and being that this is his 10th episode I thought I’d give him a plug as a kind of anniversary present type thing. Anyway, good kid, good stuff.

Also, go to rohwrestling.com. They do good stuff there.

That’s it. See you all next week. Same Grut time. Same Grut blah blah.