I almost quit writing this column twice in two weeks. The first time it was over a misunderstanding. The second time I was standing in solidarity with another writer. Both were bullshit reasons to stop.
The simple truth is that I’m not enjoying writing about wrestling anymore. The reason I haven’t stopped is for you, my readers, and for me, the writer being read by a lot of people. Fame, even a tiny little slice of fame, is an addiction. Once you’ve had fans and you’ve let them go, you’re back to being the nobody you once were. You become forgotten and replaced almost instantly. Look at Dave Gagnon. Micasa. Dave Gagnon. The Wallflowers. Dave Gagnon. Dusty. Dave Gagnon. You get the point.
So when push comes to shove, do I choose to keep doing a hobby that I just don’t enjoy? Well, I owe it to you guys. You supported my show. You helped my friend. You backed me up when no one else was willing to. You read me every week and send me mail telling me how much you enjoy my work. I know I mention all of that a lot, but it’s not pandering. It’s more to remind myself how awesome the people who read me are.
It’s because of you that I’m going to keep writing this column. I just want to clarify that statement. It’s because of you and Widro that I’m going to keep writing this column. I started throwing shit fits, and Widro, who is roughly the same age as me and not my wet nurse, spent a very good deal of time dealing with my complaints and asking me what I wanted to stay. Everything I asked for, he said it was no problem. I’ve thrown my ego around a bit in the past. I mean I’m no Hyatte but I have thrown hissy fits and Widro has appeased me. He has enough responsibilities on the site without also having to be a wet nurse and I just thought I’d point out how much he actually does. Kind of a thank you.
Anyway, besides Widro, it’s because of you I write this column. It’s because I want to try something new that I’m also going to be helping out in the Movies Section. Grutman vs. Daniels is moving there as we’ve just about run out of wrestling stuff to debate/mock each other in the context of debating a column, and Junk News is going to debut there very soon. I just need to get an okay on the Thursday news column from the bosses and I’m there. I want to ask you guys and girls to follow me there. I’m going to at least continue in the Wrestling section as well until the end of October, but unless my love for wrestling is once again sparked, I may be moving to the movies section full time. You don’t need another columnist who is no longer the fan of wrestling he once was writing about wrestling. There are plenty of writers like that. I feel like when I have fun you know it and when I don’t have fun you know it, and I want us all to have fun. That’s why I started writing this. It was fun.
So send me some feedback on this, and try some honesty. I want to know if you’d go to the movies section to read me or if you only read me because I cover wrestling. I won’t be offended if you don’t care about the movies. You were a wrestling audience when you first started reading me. I don’t expect you to be thrilled about this.
Now then, the reason you’re here .
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
NWA:TNA has announced that their weekly recap show will soon be available to 40 million more homes. If that means 40 million more people get to see Shane Douglas puke, I’m all for it.
The Rock has slimmed down to 215-220 pounds so as to not completely overshadow his costars. I guess Rock didn’t learn anything in that Marlon Brando seminar.
The WWE will be releasing a Ric Flair biography called Dirtiest Player in the Game. I think that title lies. The dirtiest player in the game is obviously Bradshaw as he lives up Triple H’s ass.
A 2 disc DVD set will be released about Mick Foley. The great first disc will feature all of Foley’s greatest matches, his funniest interviews and a candid look at his life behind the scenes. The shitty second disc will feature him talking about which roller coasters he loves and making bad gay jokes.
Hulk Hogan had a 4 hour meeting with the Jarretts in regards to working with NWA:TNA. Hogan demanded a large amount of money and a job for three of his friends, while the Jarretts offered fifty bucks a week and cab fare to and from the arena. Hogan was so insulted by this he called up Roddy Piper to complain, and Roddy said, “Holy crap! They offered you cab fare?!â€Â
Well, “Jumping†Jim Brunzell is back in the news. I’m kidding. He’s not.
The official buy rate for Summerslam shows 25,000 more buys than previously expected. That brings the final total to 25,123 buys! Congratulations, WWE.
Triple H is expected to be off WWE television until 2004. Maven and Rico, the ball is yours now. Don’t drop it.
The WWE raised 80,000 dollars for the families of fallen soldiers. How nice of a multi-million dollar corporation to raise such a piddling amount of money for our fighting men and women. I wonder how much of that money came from Bradshaw’s pocket? What’s that? None? Well, I guess we know who the real hypocrite is!
In other news, I just reported the above story with absolutely no knowledge if Bradshaw has donated to the troops or not and I’m a complete jackass.
Wrestlemania XX is officially a sell out. What happened to you, Wrestlemania XX? You used to believe in stuff! You sell out!
Meanwhile, ONE Wrestlemania CLOSE TO ringside ticket was sold on eBay today for 1,675 dollars. Some people would call this guy a f*cking moron, but let’s really think about what he’s buying here.
1. He gets to see the payoff to The Undertaker-Albert feud.
2. He gets to see Triple H fight, I don’t know, Maven.
3. He gets to see the Rock and Stone Cold do some kind of interview or something.
4. Imagine all of the celebrities who will be there! Andy Richter, Carrot Top, all of the big names.
5. Vince McMahon will fight someone, probably Zach Gowen. That’ll be fun.
6. He won’t have to worry about seeing Matt Hardy or Chris Benoit as they’ll be in the 40 man battle royal and then gone.
7. He doesn’t have the burden of having 1,675 dollars to spend on something important.
Congrats, guy, and enjoy the show!
The WWE has settled its lawsuit against Lewmar Inc. in regards to the death of Owen Hart. The WWE plans to use the money to set up trust funds for McMahon family members.
Many wrestlers have signed with NWA:TNA. Michael Shane signed a contract that gives him not one but TWO, yes TWO, cheese sandwiches after the show. It doesn’t sound like much but you can choose either the yellow OR the white American cheese.
Booker T’s comeback may be put off for awhile while Booker T finishes his gay porn film, SUCKAAAAAAAA!
It looks like the Rock is through with the WWE. To quote Eric S., “Flex, I swear to God I would run over you if you were dying in the street. What, a guy is not allowed to hate another guy he hasn’t met? No, you shut up! Hey, what are you doing? Put down that knife, Scott! No, Rocky sucks and you suck! Scott, where do you get this strength? I was an army of one and you look like an army .
Let’s ruin Smackdown, but first let’s ruin Velocity.
Jaime Noble fights Shannon Moore in a 40 minute classic. The end comes when Hulk Hogan, who had returned to interfere in this match at the 20 minute mark as a seemingly new follower of Mattitude, totally swerved the crowd by hitting Shannon with the big boot and allowing Jaime to get the pin! This brought back the Ultimate Warrior and Macho Man even though the ref had sent them to the back earlier, and the three men and Jaime Noble all celebrated the victory/. into reality.
Sean O’Haire beats Freddy Krueger by dragging him into reality.
Rhyno faces Funaki. Take a guess who wins. Really, take a guess.
The Velocity Main Event is Rey Misterio Jr. vs, Nunzio! Wow, right? No? Me neither.
Some fat guy in the front row farts and the Smackdown set comes out of his ass!
Eddie pimp smacks Matt Hardy to open the show. Despite having just wrestled in what is being called one of the all time greatest and most violent matches against Jaime Noble on Heat, Moore can not yet reveal he has been elevated so he plays Matt Hardy’s lackey.
John Cena cuts a promo on Kurt Angle. “Yo, Kurt. This is basic thuganomics. I’d go to advanced thuganomics, but before I do I think we should first check to see if the audience has a grasp on the intricacies of basic thuganomics. Now, everyone take out your text books. Jimmy? Jimmy, did you leave your text book at home? Did you even do the homework? I swear to Christ Jimmy, some days I don’t know whether to kiss you or kill you.â€Â
We see people getting tickets for Wrestlemania XX. If you missed it, don’t worry folks! Tickets are available starting at as little as ONE MILLION DOLLARS on Ebay!
The Big Show says he hates Mexicans to start a feud with Eddie. Following WWE logic, Big Show will continue to make racist remarks and then pin Eddie in five seconds at the PPV.
Meanwhile, Eddie formulates a plan to get back at The Big Show. I really hope it involves burritos and ex-lax. Just a prayer.
The Basham’s fight the APA. The winners? You’ll have to watch to find out, but let me give you a clue: WHO GIVES A SHIT? YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHO WINS THE MATCH BETWEEN THE BASHAMS AND THE APA? IS THAT WHY YOU READ MY COLUMN! I HATE YOU! YES, YOU ROSS! NO, NOT YOU ROSSES, I WAS TALKING TO MY BROTHER! I HATE YOU! GIVE ME BACK MY CLOTHES AND STOP SCREWING MY GIRLFRIEND IN FRONT OF ME!
Benoit fights Haas as Albert commentates. “You think Benoit can beat me?! Nice triple quabrabra by Benoit. You can see him really focusing his attack on the lower pentoquad of Haas. No one can beat the A-Train, and Benoit can’t catch the A-Train! I’m too quick for him! Now I’m going to call the rest of the match in iambic pentameter. You know what iambic pentameter is, Tazz?†“Why, yes A-Train I do. William Shakespeare wrote most of his plays in iambic pentameter, a system which †“Did you call my back hairy? DID YOU?†“Cole, myself and Albert are trying to have a conversation.†“Really, that’s just rude and out of place.â€Â
Vince and Sable come to the ring. They’re joined by Stephanie. Then Undertaker. Then Brock Lesnar. The segment ends with a big boot to the kisser of blah blah, then blah blah blah blah. Blah blah. Blah.
The Big Show is backstage and gets a bag of burritos meant for Eddie Guerroro. No. I mean, I prayed for it to happen, but it can’t happen, can it? Could my dreams become true? I wrote last week I was no longer a fan. Could they fix that? Will they fix that? All they need is for those burritos to have ex-lax or something similar to ex-lax in them. I’m not holding my breath,
Tajiri fights Kidman. I’m very happy to see them doing something with Tajiri. I just hope the other cruiserweights still matter after the Noble-Moore Velocity event. It’s not just a match. It’s an event.
The Big Show gives Orlando Jones his first win in the WWE (congrats Orlando! I loved you in that bad movie with Eddie Griffin!) when the Big Show gets counted out. Something is wrong with the Big Show. Stomach pains. It’s almost like nah. That’d never happen. He must have gotten legitimate cramps. Still, maybe there’s a little room in my black wrestling heart to hope that The Big Show has the shits from the burritos? Maybe.
Zach Gowen is sick of sympathy. I know how that is and I feel badly for him.
OH MY GOD! I I don’t want to ruin the surprise. I can’t. Let’s just say we’re in the bathroom. Let’s just a BIG SHOW is going on inside one of the stalls! And let’s say Eddie Guerrero SET UP THE WHOLE THING! My faith has been restored. My love for wrestling is strong again! YES! YES!
You know what? If it means Eddie is on screen more, whatever.
Cena and Lesnar fight the Phantasmtaker and Angle in a preview of this months PPV in which Cena will fight Lesnar or Angle will Taker Phantasm Cena in a Lesnar Taker match for the Undisputed Cena Lesnar Angle will fight in a triple Taker Phantasm bored now.
Junk News, Huzzah! That Huzzah was not faked!
So, that’s it for this week. My apologies to Blade, as my computer suffered some kind of malfunction or something and couldn’t download her file this week. I’ll check back in with you all next week.
