This is my fourth to last regular Junk News update. You guys sent me feedback and I got a good idea from one of you to do a Junk News wrestling column once a month as a column instead of a news update. I don’t think you read any news in these news updates anyway. So while I’m giving up my weekly slot, I’m not leaving the wrestling section all together.
You can find me doing Junk News every Wednesday in the Movies Section starting last Wendsday. Grutman vs. Daniels will also be moved there. My friend Debbie is coming on board, and she has a great film brain so her columns will be great. The big surprise, however, is one Mr. Jay Bower my arch-nemesis and two time lover, coming out of early retirement to join me in the movie section. With Tim C and Dr. Z already doing the intelligence thing there and kicking ass, we’re putting together quite the collection of columnists and writers. I’ll comment more on the other guys as I get to know them, but it’s all good.
Junk News! Huzzah!
Jimmy Hart gave an interview in which he gave Hogan a verbal blowjob and McMahon a verbal blowjob and Andy Kaufman a verbal blowjob. Andy was the only one to not appreciate it as he was dead.
Word is backstage that Smackdown has been changed to resemble Raw. Some people have called this gay, but my homophobic southerner uncle calls everything gay. He just called you gay.
Stephanie will be on Jimmy Kimmel tonight. For shame, Jimmy! You’re a married man! Can I get a rim shot? That was not a joking question. I need to ask Hyatte’s permission. He has the rim shot copyrighted.
Smackdown and Raw traded refs. OH MY GOD! STOP THE PRESSES! CALL THE GOVERNOR! CALL SCHWARTZENEGGER! CALL THE MARINES! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
Schwartzinator, who appeared on Smackdown to promote a crappy movie, was elected Governor of California. As he has taken Gray Davis’ job, look for Gray Davis to star in Terminator 4.
Many feel Vince is trying to bury Rhyno. Oh. I thought he dug that 3 foot hole to plant a bush, but Rhyno would fit.
Bradshaw is working despite a leg injury. He truly is the greatest American hero of all time.
Sean O’Haire missed Monday’s Smackdown house show, but nobody missed Sean O’Haire.
WWE agents had a meeting with all wrestlers not named McMahon about slowing down the style and not putting their necks in danger. Oh man! Now how am I going to see the double snapping neck crunch on television?
There was a 2 minute Brock-Cena vs Phantasmtaker-Angle match at a Smackdown house show. The reason it was only 2 minutes? Because they knew if they went one minute longer, they’d get their ASSES kicked by fat Samoans!
Sable worked the house shows despite having the flue. You think she has stopped feeling pathetic yet? I don’t.
I just read the NWA:TNA report. Absof*ckinglutely nothing happened. NOTHING. You wasted ten bucks you could have spent on acne cream.
Let’s do Smackdown and get ready for the next three weeks. Nothing but partying!
Linda comes out to talk to Stephanie about Vince who comes out to talk to both of them and Sable comes out to talk too and they all talk and they look at one another with hatred and Vince shoves Linda or something happens where the two of them kiss and by them I mean Vince and Stephanie or Sable and they’re all involved in the PPV. STAY TUNED!
Tajiri fight Ultimo Dragon while Rey commentates on it all. It’s magic.
Phantasmtaker fights Chuck Palumbo and the chain comes into play! I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but I think I just did.
Paul London asks Vince for a chance. Vince says sure and books him against Brock Lesnar. London shrugs and does a line a coke while Vince looks on in shock. I’m going to love this gimmick.
The Big Show fights Orlando Jones. Let’s just say someone won’t be in The Replacements 2.
Josh Matthews interviews Eddie and they wind up making out.
Cena and Angle have a rap off. The winner? A surprisingly spry and witty Tugboat.
Moore fights Gowen in a battle of the jesus. A blond bitch is fighting a kid with one leg. Sometimes art does NOT imitate life.
Brock Lesnar eats Paul London.
Big six man tag action between six men mired in obscurity.
In the main event, Eddie sprays Big Show with sewage. Ah. Subtle physical comedy. Awesome.
Junk News! Huzzah!
This will be Blade’s last column as I’d like to take my last three weeks by myself. Blade, thank you so much for everything. You have improved as a writer and you are an amazing human being. You’re going to go far, and maybe there’s a place for a girl who loves to wrestle in my monthly column unless you get a better offer.
Blading
Though it has only been a short time here at 411 for me, I must too follow in the footsteps of a few of the writers here at 411 and walk the long road. It appears as though I too must do the job, take the fall, tap out even, and no I do not want to hear the “you tapped out” chant, please save that for Brock Lesnar. I have poured my heart and soul into this column and have received feedback, some positive some negative…I must thank Grut and 411 for this opportunity.
At first, I had written about my endeavors of my personal life, and got a tremendous response from all of you. However, I then changed my style to talk about my wrestling adventures, and although I didn’t get as good as a response from you all, I still heard from a few that you liked hearing about that more.
My passion for this business has never been any bigger. I have craved being in the spotlight and in that ring ever since I first saw my first WWF show. I want to have my names screwed up by Lillian Garcia. I want a desire video for me, to be played to my favorite song. I want to be bitching about the fact that I have to sit on a plane at one in the morning, to get home for a one day break. But this sure is sounding like A Wrestling Tale of Grutman’s.
Although I can’t express what I feel when I step into that ring, it is overwhelming at the least. The passion I feel for this business could never be put onto paper, yet I feel as though everyone around me knows that this is what I want to do the rest of my life. This is want to what I want to be remembered for. I want people following me around, trying to get dirt into my love life. I want to miss my husband (if I ever get one) on the road, and feel so good to come see him at home, yet miss it when I’m not on the road. I want to take the injuries, and miss the business when I think that I’m losing my passion, and get back into the ring after a year break after surgery, even though I know that sounds crazy.
If I don’t get to the WWE, and my life goes anyway, I believe that there will be a void in my heart that was never felt. I can’t wait to fly off Hell in the Cell. I can’t wait for it all.
I have a few people that I need to thank before I go on. Socko, you got me to this spot, thank you. Termin, Voodoo, Matt (El Smarko), Zephro all of you have helped me when I just couldn’t sit down and just write. I have to thank my roommate/future wrestling tag team partner Dan-O-Matic, and our valet Nik Fusion! Hehe, nah, I love you to Nik. And of course Grutman, for giving me this great opportunity. Good luck man, I know I will be seeing you in high places. You are an amazing writer.
If you could, let me know what you have thought about my writing. Good or bad, I would really like to hear from you. Bladehwc@yahoo.ca
It’s been a fun trip; I just have to make it to the top of the ladder now. In the WWE, and in life. It will be a bumpy, but exciting trip, but once I make it to the top of that ladder I won’t be coming back down unless it’s to deliver an elbow
And Thanks To .
So, I’m going to do the thank you thing now for everyone other than you fan people. This’ll give me the next three weeks to put in all kinds of crazy shit without having to get all sappy.
I already got Blade, but thanks to my main men in the forum, Socko and Coren.
The Jinxed Fink, Dino Zucconi and BFP all posted columns in my column at one point. Dino got a column at 411mania. BFP is still doing his thing at theddt.com and is still one of the funniest writers on the net. The Jinxed Fink is still on 411’s message board. Thanks to all 3 of you.
My brother’s Brian and Ross have each contributed to the column. Thank you both you jerks.
Eric S took over for me on Wednesday’s when I first started to get burned out. He also taught me to steal music better. He’s a great writer and I enjoy being on the same website with him.
Ben Morse was one of my first friends at 411. Carlos Mahuad was also a great friend at 411. Ron Gamble is a great guy and the victim of my favorite running joke, which incidentally he loved until he died a few days ago. All three of you guys were awesome.
Ken Anderson was my favorite recapper and Jay Bower was my arch-nemesis. Odd that they’re twins.
Ashish was never around much when I first joined up, but he has made his prescience felt as the years have gone on. He knows what he wants and how to get, a trait I respect greatly. I look forward to working with him at movies.
Scott Keith has always been nice to me, as has NoSoul. Both are good guys with great big columns, one with a great big appetite. Thanks for your support and words of kindness.
CRZ, thanks for letting me make fun of you in my column that time you were a guest. Awesomely nice of you.
I’ve seen a Grut sign on television once. It was pretty hard to find, but I found it. The person who held it up? Tom Daniels. Tom is an intelligent guy who knows how to play along with a joke. Call him a straight guy or a sidekick, but in a world where everyone wants the spotlight Tom knows exactly how to steal it by being the only normal guy in the loony bin. A pleasure to work with and a guy I look forward to working with for the rest of my time on the net, you should go read Daniels’ columns now! Music section and Saturday news. Go.
Flea. As much as I loved A Wrestling Tale, as good as Junk News could be, doing the Excess report for 3 weeks with Flea was the most fun I had. He’s generous and amazing and he knew wrestling. He made it fun to write for the site. I consider very few people real life friends from online, and despite never meeting him he’s one of them. Daniels too.
Widro is an excellent guy and he always supported my column. I hope you guys get to work for a guy as cool as Widro is. He contributed to the column, did a hilarious Grut vs with me, and has basically always been on my side. I appreciate it big guy.
Finally, I’d like to thank Chris Hyatte. I stole his style, I stole a whole bunch of his jokes and was ready to cut off communication with him at one point because I was mad. Through it all he has been a fan, maybe not as big a fan as I’ve been to him, and someone I could turn to for advice. Without him the site never would have had Eric, Flea, Morse, or myself. Without him most writers at the site would be read by about half the people who currently read them. If he hadn’t of asked Widro to hire me I’d never had made it to the net, I’d never have gained an audience and I wouldn’t have been able to start my career. Thanks for everything Hyatte. I look forward to The Taking of Triple H.
So no more thanks! Next week we go buck wild.
