Larry Ellison said that he likes Ah-nuld. Doesn’t that say everything just by itself?
And fans of the Team That Doesn’t Exist are complete retards. Well, everyone in Chicago knows that, but now the world knows too. Good.
Well, this isn’t really a One-Hour Special like I thought it’d be. I was going to be attending a conference in Kansas City today and for the rest of the week, but that got cancelled due to the perpetual crises that are erupting at the new workplace, ones that I have to be present for because I’m the point man for them. That’ll get rescheduled, but it also means that I don’t have the luxury of letting the adrenal glands calm down for a few days. Some people really need to die quickly. Maybe I can take Charles Starkweather as my new role model. He’d be useful if WidShish doesn’t change that e-mail link at the bottom of the column today. Although they might have had a reason not to. BFM tells me that mail to my RoadRunner account here is undeliverable, even though I’ve had no trouble with anything else.
I’ll still keep it short, though, because rest beckons. So, let’s get on to the news…
CHINKS IN SPACE
There have been nasty rumors floating around that I’d lost the ability to offend, so I thought I’d throw in that header just to put those down once and for all.
Okay, make jokes about “solving the population problem in a new way” and all that, but seeing China put guys up into space is pretty reassuring for the futurists among us. At a time when the US is unnecessarily paralyzed with fear over manned space travel, the Euros can’t get the latest Ariane to work on a regular basis, and Russia can’t scrape up enough money to send Laika’s descendants sub-orbital, having the Chinese pick up the slack is wonderful. Maybe it’ll give the unreconstructed Commie-haters of the Junta a little push in the back to reaffirm man’s ultimate Manifest Destiny. I still want that vacation on Mars that I was promised when I was younger. So, full congrats to the Chinese space program and to Yang Lewei. Put his name alongside Gagarin and Carpenter in the books. Now, if they can pitch in a little on the ISS while they’re at it…
AVE MARIA, GEE IT’S GOOD TO SEE YA…
The Pope’s celebrating his silver jubilee on the Throne of St. Peter. Wow. Twenty-five years. As a person of Polish ancestry, I can remember the amount of complete, unadulterated, unashamed pride we took in having one of “our own” at the head of the Church when he was elected. One of the most exciting things in my life was seeing the Pope visit my neighborhood in 1979 to celebrate mass at a local church. Unless you live in Rome, this isn’t your normal everyday type of event. I may be lapsed in the area of Catholicism, but you’ve gotta give the guy his props for being a great spiritual leader (despite his conservativism and occasional cluelessness about things; no, that’s not a reference to his Parkinson’s, moreso about his world view) and a major inspiration for the events that led to the fall of Communism in Eastern Europe. So, here’s a sto lat from this direction, and a big Thank You as well.
THE PIMP SECTION
Nute never answers whether a Shooting Star Press looks cooler than a Firebird Splash.
Part 2 of Anderson’s special series on how to save wrestling. Good read, folks.
A little bit about wrestling-type news, mayhap? Sure!
THE (INTER)NATIONAL WRESTLING ALLIANCE
1bullshit is reporting that it’s now official: Hogan’s going to be working New Japan’s biggest show of the year, the annual Tokyo Dome extravaganza on January 4th. Of course, as reported yesterday, there appears to be a solid deal between Hogan and the Jarretts for Hogan to work for TNA. As part of the mutual backscratching between NJPW and TNA with Hogan being the overpriced piece of wood that you can find in most tacky gift shops, Tiger Mask will be making a trip to the States to appear on the TNA PPV on November 30th (that would be on a Sunday, not a Wednesday, just to remind you). I think the US is getting the better of that deal, but you know that Tiger Mask is going to end up getting jobbed to Chris Sabin or Frankie Kazarian. Must we keep punishing Japan in this way?
DISINGENUITY STRIKES AGAIN
Okay, here’s 1bullshit’s explanation for the ratings rise, courtesy of Ashish’s trolling and putting up with the ad banners:
The number is a positive one when considering the tough competition (Red Sox/Yankees game on FOX and Monday Night Football on ABC) that RAW faced.
Shall we look into this a little bit more? Let’s start with Monday Night Football. With Vick out, there was absolutely no attraction to a Rams/Falcons matchup in the first place. Also, the game was a complete blowout that started early, which means a lot of clicks went in the direction of Spike. With the high-powered, who-the-f*ck-knows-what’s-going-to-happen-next Chiefs on next week, the number of clicks might be reduced (although they’re playing Suckland, the only team this year that actually allowed the Bears to beat them). And I’m not just saying this because they’re now the closest pro team to me; they are really damn good. I’d have a pro team a few miles away, except they stopped paying Nebraska players when Tom Osborne decided to enter politics.
Also, here’s a little ugly truth for you East Coast Bias types: NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT EITHER THE RED SOX OR THE YANKEES, ESPECIALLY THE YANKEES. And here’s another little message for the faggot Noo Yawkers who mailed me about putting the blame on Martinez: it’s not Red Sox players who are going to be arrested, so Noo Yawk Thugs was an apt description.
So, with ABC showing a football game that had no appeal and less than no interest and Fox showing a baseball game that residents of only two cities gave a f*ck about (and who are completely convinced that the rest of us give a f*ck about, showing their egotism and overinflated sense of self-worth), it’s no wonder that Raw’s ratings went up. So don’t get some false impression of strength for the program against “tough” competition, because the competition wasn’t as tough as you think.
WERE THE RETURNS THAT DIMINISHED?
According to 1bullshit, the nurse who attacked Kane was Nidia’s sister, who’s a valet in OVW. That got me to thinking about exactly how much Tough Enough was really worth to WWE. Yes, the third season might not have panned out well, but look what they got out of the first two:
I may not like Maven very much, but he’s become a solid midcarder on Raw, and he’s getting a bit of a push by becoming involved with Evolution, so there’s more of him to come.
Nowinski, before his injury, was fast becoming one of my favorites to watch on Raw. There’s still lots of potential in him once he recovers.
They got a good second-string mic man with Matthews. He definitely doesn’t disgrace himself, and he’s starting to develop a decent personality that might lead him into a position similar to that of Coachman very soon.
Nidia’s become one of the best valets on Smackdown, and through her, they have another up-and-comer in her sister.
Miles has certainly turned the corner. She wasn’t much in the ring, but once they gave her that whip, they had a great vehicle to help get the Bashams over. It hasn’t happened yet, but if the Bashams don’t get over, it’s not going to be her fault. I’d like to see her with a higher-card wrestler before making any further judgment. You know who could use her? Haas and Benjamin. I’m serious. They need an image makeover (hell, they need an image, period), and having Miles at their side might make a big difference with them.
Even Gayda recovered from her disaster, only to land up in another disaster when they were afraid to really pull the trigger on Rico’s Adrian Street angle.
Given all of that, was one bad season excuse enough to throw TE in the tank as a concept? Those kids were given the ball and ran with it as far and as fast as they were allowed to, and they’ve all made positive contributions in one way or another to WWE programming. I might have never watched the show (reality shows don’t interest me in the least), but what it’s given to WWE is incentive enough for them to attempt to apply some leverage. It’d be a perfect fit for Spike’s programming. If Spike has no qualms about The Joe Schmo Show, they shouldn’t have any about Tough Enough.
SMACKDOWN SOMEWHAT SPOILED
Okay, Big Danger Sign is now flashing. There’s going to be a long promo involving the Bitch of the Baskervilles in this one to promote her “match” with Vince at No Mercy. Time to stock up on stomach medication or bricks to throw through your screen.
Vince also gets a long promo, so REALLY stock up on the above.
However, the show opener is a Kurt Angle promo, and Angle’s doing a Cena parody. Whether this is designed to lure you into a false sense of security is a judgment call that I’ll leave up to you.
We do get an explanation of what a Biker Chain Match is, though. The chain’s suspended above the ring, and whoever gets it down can use it. Unfortunately, they don’t say whether or not it’s suspended on a pole. A gimmick match for a world title deserves to have a pole involved, you know.
Otherwise, the rest of the show is your typical pre-PPV filler-type content, with loads of run-ins and nonsensical finishes designed to add an air of mystery to Sunday’s looming disaster. Watch it if you need some background for what’s going on, but it’d pretty much be a waste otherwise.
As I said, I’m keeping it short, trying to get back into the groove (or find one; new locations always tend to screw me up a bit for a while). I’ll be back for the Round Table for No Mercy later this week, and I swear that I’ll throw something up at Fleabag’s joint as well. Until then, have a great one and enjoy yourselves much more than I am.
About Eric Szulczewski
