Reviewer: “Starman†Matt Morrison
Story Title: N/A
Written by: Paul Jenkins
Penciled by: Claudio Castellini
Inked by: Claudio Castellini
Colored by: Paul Mounts
Lettered by: ?
Editor: ?
Publisher: Marvel Comics
OPEN ON: Paul Jenkins’ Studio.
(Paul Jenkins sits before his computer, trying to think of an idea.)
Paul Jenkins: Okay. The Last Wolverine story ever…what can I do that hasn’t been done yet?
(He ponders this. Suddenly, he snaps his fingers.)
Paul Jenkins: I know! I’ll have Wolverine fight a bunch of ninjas and…no, no that’s been done….
(He ponders further. Again, he snaps his fingers.)
Paul Jenkins: Everyone will be expecting a great, high action epic so I’ll do the exact opposite of what everyone expects! Everyone will expect a battle with Sabertooth, so I’ll kill him off in the first chapter! And I’ll do something to completely change Sabertooth’s personality before he dies; so I can REALLY mess with everyone’s heads…make him a “born-again†Christian or something!
(He laughs at this, scratching his chin thoughtfully.)
Paul Jenkins: But that won’t be enough…No…I’ll have to change Wolverine himself. Everybody has always respected him as this great warrior and being tough as nails, if a bit of a hothead and really insensitive. So I’ll give him Alzheimer’s, make him a little confused and have him start talking to himself non-stop….
(There is a knock at the door.)
Paul Jenkins: Oooh! I’ll bet that’s my hot wings! Can’t do my writing without my hot wings!
(He moves to the door. Upon opening it, he sees an angry mob on his doorstep.)
Angry Mob: (chanting) Hey-Hey, Ho-Ho, Crappy Writing, It Should Go!
Paul Jenkins: What? Oh for the love of Pete….
(The leader of the Mob pushes his way to the front.)
Leader: Yes, my brothers and sisters! Let your voices be heard! Let this foul despoiler of our greatest icon know that we will not tolerate his blasphemous writings!
Angry Mob: Yeah!
Paul Jenkins: I haven’t even started writing the story yet!
Leader: It matters not! Knowing that we have stopped the writing, even though the filming may be complete…that is enough!
Paul Jenkins: Wait a second! Filming? I’m writing a comic book!
Leader: (looking befuddled) Comic book? Aren’t you the guy who wrote the script for the movie where Ronald Reagan is portrayed as a decrepit, insensitive, bloodthirsty old man driven mad by disease?
Paul Jenkins: No…I’m the guy writing the script for a comic book where Wolverine is a decrepit, insensitive, bloodthirsty old man driven mad by disease.
Leader: Oh (uncomfortable pause). Look, we’ve come all this way…so would you mind terribly if we just stood around on your lawn and chanted for a few hours? Just for the practice, you understand….
Paul Jenkins: Let the delivery boy and his precious platter of wings through unmolested and you have a deal.
(He closes the door and heads back to his studio.)
Paul Jenkins: Man, what a weird day. Oh well…. Back to work. Now, to think of a few references to “Origin†I can sneak in, partly as a “full-circle†closing of the beginning and end of Logan’s life but mostly so the readers who spot them will feel all clever….
CUT TO: The Office of “Starman†Matt Morrison
*RING RING*
Starman: Hello.
Daron, The Dark Overlord: Minion! What matter of madness is this review you work on? It doesn’t make any sense.
Starman: I dunno. I thought the Reagan protestor thing was rather clever and topical. And since it looks like Logan is having some memory and reality perception problems in the book….
Daron: Yes, but even for you this review is dangerously random.
Starman: Well, I’ve been experimenting with the Grant Morrison style of writing.
Daron: Ah, so you are focusing upon absurdism mixed with non-linear time?
Starman: No, I’ve been focusing on Red Bull mixed with non-sleeping!
Daron: Are you sure you’re all right?
Starman: Oh yeah. Just need to stop these gazebos from thudding in the dewpond!
