Recap of Austin’s “retirement†last night.
Bischoff starts the night in the ring with Team Bischoff. He has two cans set up in the ring like Austin left them last night, and he stomps them. Then says it’s a new era, and all of Team Bischoff can have a special favor each. Cue Evolution. Hunter has the mic and congratulates Bischoff. Hunter wants a rematch, Bsichoff agrees. Instead Bischoff makes a 3-on-1 handicap HHH/Batista/Orton vs. Goldberg for tonight on Raw. And that’s te bottom line because ERIC BISCHOFF says so.
Booker T vs. Mark Henry w/Theodore Long
Booker T with some offense early. Henry takes control and slows it way down. Booker T wins kind of out of nowhere with his legs on the ropes
Winner: Booker T
Austin book promo.
And Daniels takes over for Widro so he can play the goodness that’s Kart Double Dash
Cade gets on the mic and demands Resistance gets in the ring to demand that Resistance get in the ring, too. Well, it’s a match, one would assume…
Jindrak & Cade vs. La Resistance
I don’t know which person is which in La Resistance, so you’ll have to bear with me. Cade starts the match and has some quick offense before tagging in Jindrak to get double-teamed for a bit.
Hot tag to Cade who cleans some house for the soldeiers. Cade gets a clothesline from hell, which I doubt is his finisher, but whatever. Garrison and Jindrak get the double team finisher, which is set up like a Hart Attack but a drop kick instead of a clothesline.
Winners: La Resistance
Because, when it involves two people, it’s 14x more powerful.
Backstage, Shawn Michaels is talking to Tommy Dreamer and Maven, he’s up next!
You people, I’m giving up football for you. Bear with me while I pick up the format here.
King and JR get some face time to grieve over the loss of Austin’s career. This sends us back to Shawn Michaels for an interview. It was one of the “most heroic efforts JR has seen in 25 years.”
Shawn starts saying something, but Bischoff stops the interview. Sickly looking gash on Michaels’s head… which doesn’t surprise me after the amount he bled last night. After the interruption, Shawn runs down Bischoff about how he loves the business *coff* just like Austin, whereas Bischoff treats it like a business. Shawn is mad at Bischoff for running Stone Cold off.
Bischoff reminds Shawn that Austin’s gone because Shawn lost the match last night. Touchee. After this, Bisch tells Shawn that he’s got nothing to do tonight and he should just go home.
Back to JR and the King, and then we go to Survivor Series Recap. We get stills from the Ambulance Match. Shane is still under medical care and in “Guarded” Condition.
In a “special” appearance, Kane will be appearing on Smackdown to eulogize the Undertaker.
Backstage again, Steiner has used his favor to get himself and Test a tag team title match against the Dudleys. They’re buddies now and are starting from scratch to win some Gold. As long as stacy does what she’s told. Against the Dudleys eh?
RVD is next!
RVD vs. Ric Flair for the Intercontinental Title
RVD out first and is informed that the ***** Frog Splash has been deemed illegal for this match. Second out is…. Ric Flair…. for the IC Title?
Orton joins the commentary table. He gets asked about the RKO last night against the owner of the Mavericks.
WOOO! to start the match.
Open with some chops and a fist to the grill, chop, punch, reversed Irish Whip but RVD Runs into an elbow. He comes back with a round house and standing moonsault. Flair takes a break on the outside and pulls RVD out.
Flair gets the advantage on the outside, back inside with a thumb to the eye. RVD goes down in the corner and gets some more chops. To the other corner, Flair eats a boot on the charge. RVD to the top, Flair shoves him to the floor. Flair follows him out. RVD whipped into the steps and is holding his leg. How long till he forgets that?
Flair props RVD up against the rail for some chops. RVD fights his way back. Flair into the ring, RVD follows, hit’s a spinning heel kick for two. Flair starts to work the knee. Goes for the Figure 4… slapped on in the center of the ring. RVD goes for the turn over…. turned over!
Flair breaks. First to his feet. Back in with a chop block to the knee. Flair with a corner whip reversed by RVD, backflip charge thing. JR calls him “unorthodox” but when do the same moves become “orthodox?”
RVD with a superkick and goes to the top, no five-star but gets a top rope kick. HIts a Rolling Thunder, which brings down Orton… who gits kicked in the face for his effort. Flair in with a Low Blow. RVD Sells it like his eyes are going to explode. Low blow only gets 2… Flair Tantrum!
Chop, RVD back with another heel kick. RVD wants to hit the five star, but it’s banned. Ummm, so get DQed and keep the belt. RVD goes up… Orton knocks him down and gets the RKO from the top rope. Flair gets the DQ and RVD is your winner.
Winner: RVD by DQ
Post match: Randy takes the IC title and tries it on. I think he likes it.
Backstage, Coach as on a neckbrace and passes Hurricane and Rosie. Coach points out that SHIT is never going to fly. Coach was on his way to see Bischoff. Bischoff wants Coach to help him spread the word of next week’s Raw.
Next week, Bischoff brings Raw Roulette to Salt Lake City, Utah. Color me impressed.
Raw is more fun when you’re barely watching and furiously trying to type.
The Return of the Highlight Reel! With Kane pyro for effect.
Jericho wants us to know that it isn’t his fault that STeve Austin was in way over his head as the GM of RAW and that Austin was a total failure. But takes full responsibility for Austin no longer being on Raw. It was Jericho’s protesting and his leadership in the mutiny that removed Austin.
If you’re happy that Chris Jericho cost Steve Austin his job, give him a hell yeah. Not a lot of takers.
He coins Texassclowns.
His guest tonight… Lita! I still like her music better sans words.
JR calls Lita “handsome.” Oy.
Jericho feels bad for Lita, because she came SO close to the title… but failed miserably. Lita wants Jericho to just stop if he’s going to goof on her losing. Jericho has someone to cheer her up, and it’s not Christian. It’s someone who’s contract just expired from Smackdown.
Well I’ll be dipped in shit, welcome back to Raw Mr Matt Hardy, V_1. Happy reunion… for about three seconds. Matt gets down to one knee to ask Lita something he’s want to ask her for a long time. The question is interrupted by Molly.
She wants to know what she has to do get some respect around here. She was last night’s winner, but for some reason the show still revolves around Lita. So, Jericho wishes to set up a tag match. Lita and Matt vs Molly and a male partner of her choice. Molly chooses Eric Bischoff.
…
Huh?
Bischoff is not happy about the match. I can’t decide if Molly is hot or not. Molly talks him into it, but with a catch. If Molly wins, Lita is fired. If Lita wins, she gets a title shot.
Ok then
Test & Scott Steiner vs. The Dudley Boyz for the World Tag Team Titles
Dudley time. Test and Steiner come out with Stacy. If Stacy starts wearing Dudley glasses again, it’s all over. I’m beggin for a turn here, because this property thing is gettin old.
Dvon and Test start. Devon’s rockin the yellow camos tonight and Bubba’s rockin the naked shorts. Dvon gets the diving shoulder block for two, Test comes back with a knee, tag to Steiner. Steiner in with some clubberin blows… but Dvon fights back to the corner. Tag to Bubba who gets his own clubberin blows. Whip for Bubba but Steiner puts his head down. Kick to the face and a sidewalk slam gets two.
Outside, Test is running down stacy for cheering on the Dudz, which draws a protest from Bubba, which earns a rollup for two. Bubba starts gettin the double-team beatin. No Tag, so Test is more powerful right now.
Bubba in the corner takin some elbows and a clothesline charge followed by some Jumping Jacks. Snapmare into a headlock as Stacy starts rootin on Bubba. Gets the crowd into it as Steiner protests. Bubba up into the Bubba bomb, but since it’s a tag match, it’s not a finisher. Bubba heading for the corner and a diving tag to Dvon.
HOUSE OF FIRE
Dvon hands out some punches and gets two with the diving shoulder block. Test misses a charge and another shoulderblock gets two. Steiner braks it up. All four men in. Steiner tossed out and Dvon takes it to him. Bubba goes for the Dusty Elbows, but misses, then reverses the Problem Solver. Whazzup Drop follows.
Dvon War dance and Bubba calls for the tables, and then lands into a belly to belly. Steiner goes to get the belt. Bubba ducks it and gets the “modified” 3D. Test is back in and gets… what was his finisher for two. He tells Stacy to give him the belt, she refuses… and that leads Test into a 3D as the Dudleys retain.
Winners: The Dudley Boyz
Stacy looks dejected outside the ring.
Post-match: Matt and Lita catch up. Matt still has a question for Lita, but not right now. The situation has to be perfect. Matt takes off and Lita and Trish gab.
Why do I get the feeling this is going to be the shortest face run in WWE history….
The Ric Flair DVD has no excuse not to rule. I may have to buy it.
Lita & Matt Hardy vs. Molly & Eric Bischoff
No entrances, everyone’s alreayd in the ring. Lita and Molly start. Lita with the first offense… some punches and a rana, but Molly quickly recovers and knocks Lita down and follows up with a choke. Ref breaks it up and Molly gets a vertical suplex for two. Pulls Lita back up and pounds her down into a camel clutch lookin thing. Breaks it and shoves Lita’s head into the mat. Bischoff goofs on Lita but Lita gets the Scorpion Deathdrop reversal. Both ladies down. LIta struggles for a corner, but Bischoff is in quick.
Bischoff cuts off the tag but Lita slugs him down. Lita turns back for the tag, but Matt drops off the apron. Yup, shortest face run in the history of Raw. Bischoff gets the Pin… and then fires Lita.
Winners: Molly & Eric Bischoff
Matt is back in the ring. And now it’s time for the question. “How could you be so selfish?”
Lita is lost… Matt explains. While she had a broken neck, she never came over to Smackdown, she had to train and win the women’s title back. Matt says that obviously the Women’s Title is more important than him… her career is more important than him. He says that’s fine, because as far as Matt’s concerned, they’re through.
Not a good couple days for Lita. Lost the title, lost the guy, lost her job.
Recap of what just happened. Click back if you need to see it.
Back to the arena with…. Val Venis?
Val is accompanied by Lance Storm and some hoes. Well shit, if that doesn’t get Lance over nothing will. The running joke is, apparently, Lance is packing like Alex Wright.
Rico out with my favorite freaking Entrace theme currently because it’s SO obnoxious.
And now, in a special appearnce, Grut Vs Daniels, RAW RECAP STYLE
Rico vs. Val Venis
VPJG: Rico comes to the ring to fight Val Venis, who is with Lance Storm.
Kaisen316: How good is Rico’s entrance theme?
VPJG: Awesome. OH MY GOD!
Kaisen316: Did you know Lance Storm has a HUGE penis?
Kaisen316: nothing says talent like Rolling Suplexes, which Rico hits three of.
VPJG: Shut up about that! Watch this action! OH MY GOOD LORD! I NEVER SAW THAT BEFORE!
Kaisen316: gut punches
Kaisen316: !
VPJG: How did he do that?
Kaisen316: I have no idea, I didn’t think the body bent that way
VPJG: I mean, three flips are impressive but five?
VPJG: Val Venis with… WITH A BONESAW!
Kaisen316: People thought Juvi was impressive with the 450 splash
Kaisen316: shit, they never saw the 1350
VPJG: That is more blood then I ever thought I’d see on basic cable.
Kaisen316: Blood and glitter.
VPJG: My God, I have to puke just watching this carnage… AN INDIAN BURN? Rico pulls out the Indian Burn!
VPJG: Man, I thought only third graders did that.
Kaisen316: that should be a finisher
Kaisen316: I’d tap out
Kaisen316: twice
VPJG: You bet you would! MS. JACKIE HAS FALLEN OUT OF HER TOP!
VPJG: AND THERE ARE MIDGETS!
VPJG: AND HORSES!
Kaisen316: You know, If Jackie didn’t look so good in lycra, I’d be concerned about Val’s head having fallen off
Kaisen316: I mean, it makes for good tv, but jeez
VPJG: AND LANCE STORM LOOKS SLIGHTLY CONCERNED!
Kaisen316: Lance Storm doesn’t care, he’s gettin some
VPJG: By the way, when did Rico become the Ultimate Warrior?
Kaisen316: If Rico dies, that’s one more chick for him
Kaisen316: Not enough tassels to be the Ultimate Warrior
VPJG: Wow. This match just isn’t ending.
Kaisen316: THUMB TO THE EYE
VPJG: The all new GvD coming tomorrow in Music!
Kaisen316: NECKBREAKER THING!
Kaisen316: FACE KICK
VPJG: Rico chats up the ref.
Kaisen316: CARNAGE
VPJG: Man, every 2 count brings a groan from the crowd.
Kaisen316: Did JR just say he was sweatin like Fried Chicken?
VPJG: I think he said black people love fried chicken. This show is so racist.
Kaisen316: Jackie got to feel Storm Shaft
VPJG: And Rico wins!
VPJG: Wow, what a victory for Rico.
Kaisen316: Jackie tends to Rico on the outside
VPJG: Man, I’m not really watching.
Kaisen316: Rico didn’t win, dumbass, Val did
Winner: Val Venis
Kaisen316: Lita has a dog in her duffel bag
VPJG: LITA HAS A DOG IN A BAG! FREE THE DOG!
VPJG: FREE THE POOCH 1!
Kaisen316: Christian used his favor to get Lita re-hired.
Kaisen316: Rebound relationship for Christian.
VPJG: I think that’s sweet…if sweet means GAY!
For those keeping track, this is a three on one handicap match. I’d like to thank Grut for helping me out last segment and I’d like to thank him for all his hard work on the wrestling section over the years.
And he definitely didn’t demand that I write that.
Another tribute to Austin. Oy. Like anyone believes he’s gone. Come on.
Recap of last night’s Bischoff/Mark Cuban segment.
Backstage to Evolution. Orton cashed in his favor to face RVD at Armageddon. Orton reminisces over great IC Champions… like Pat Patterson on the Honky Tonk Man… however… HHH remind Orton that he carried the belt too.
Jericho finds Trish and invites her out to dinner again. Trish is disgusted that Jericho would set up Lita to get crushed, but Jericho claims innocence. He thought Matt was going to propose to Lita, which is why he set the whole thing up. Some kind words leads to the big first kiss between Trish and Jericho.
Tag, and we’ll be back with the main event.
Remember, RAW Roulette next week.
It’s gotten obvious that HHH is 1) married and 2) doens’t need to worry about his job anymore, because he’s already started shrinking. The sickening muscle mass is turning into fat. Hopefully he’ll trim down smartly rather than getting all flabby.
HHH’s logo is the Armageddon logo. Wonder what he’s going to be involved in.
Goldberg vs. Triple H, Randy Orton, & Batista
Goldie makes his way out for the three on one assault. Goldberg is still selling his shattered ankle by wrapping his leg in an ace bandage. That’s nice of him.
Randy Orton starts against, um, Goldberg. Slow start… lock up… Orton shoved into the corner. Orton with gut kick and into a headlock. Ropes… Orton down with a shoulderblock. Goldberg knocks HHH and Batista off the apron and throws Orton onto them via military press. Goldberg outside, elbow to Orton’s head and tosses him back in.
Goldberg very methodical and slow rather than quick. Orton back in with a thumb to the eye and a tag to Batista. Batista is bigger than ‘Berg. Goldberg with a side headlock… into a whip and a shoulderblock that both no sell. Goldie with a clothesline for two and HHH blocks the pin.
Batista tags in HHH… punches exchanged. whip into the corner and backdrop for HHH. Knee to the gut and Goldberg with a hangman’s suplex. Preps for the Spear but Flair trips him from the outside. HHH with the high knee and tags in Batista.
Batista with a charge into the corner, tag to Orton. Orton with a fist drop. Goldberg fights back and takes a dropkick for his effort. Orton out for HHH. HHH eats Spear. Clothesline for Orton and Batista… another set. Orton knocked out of the ring, Sidewalk slam for Batista. HHH set for the Jackhammer, but Orton recovers to break it up. Orton Batista double team, eats a double clothesline. Back to only HHH v Goldberg…
Goldberg eats more knee and gets an RKO. Batista tagged in and delivers the Demon Bomb. HHH tagged in and gloats. Goldberg starts to get back up… Eats Pedigree and that will do it.
Winner: Triple H, Randy Orton, & Batista
Post match, Batista and Orton hold up Goldberg and HHH has a seat in front of Goldberg. HHH declares it’s not over between them… HHH demands a rematch next week for the World Title right here on Raw. HHH sets Goldberg up for a Pillmanizing of the neck, but Kane’s (?) pyro hits.
Kane stares down HHH and Evolution and they all leave the ring. Kane helps Goldberg up… and then chokeslams him. And remember, Kane will appear this week on Smackdown!
And, we’re out.
But first, a message from your friend and mine, Josh Grutman:
VPJG: bootiful. Make sure to remark how uninterested goldberg looks giving those clotheslines.
VPJG: Oh, and the biggest star on BOTH shows is now Kane. HAHA! I don’t write about wrestling anymore! You still do! You suck! All you readers suck! I rule!
