The Monday Morning Black Cloud 12.08.03

Welcome to 411Black and my new column. I’ve got two of the best new writers on the site along with me, with Gloomchen on life and Stephen Randle on Sports. I’ll be covering the news. Before we begin, let’s let the big boss have a few words

Widro’s Wisdom
It occurred to me this summer as my own interest in wrestling was waning that the reason I continued to read many of the writers on 411 was not only for their wrestling commentary, but their tangential opinions on music, sports, politics and the world.

But to be honest, after the zones we currently have up at 411, we don’t have the time to add full zones for all of these other subjects. So after some high powered meetings of 411’s executive committee, we settled upon a brand new zone.

A zone that will allow writers to wax poetic about any and all subjects! Check out full columns from the staff on everything from the 2004 election to the NFL playoffs to last night’s episode of ER.

In addition to full length columns, there will also be the 411 BlackLog which will feature a web journal for each member of the 411 staff, plus the ability for YOU the 411 reader to post comments directly to the staff!

It’s called 411 Black. I’m really excited about it. I know Grutman is. I’ll let him start things off:

LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT HOLY CRAP! TOO MUCH SNOW!

The Northeast was hit with the first major storm of the season this weekend, turning highways into death traps, causing massive plane delays, and causing the cancellation of SATS.

The white bastard launched its first attack on Friday, burying New England and New York in far more snow than resident weathermen predicted. “Sorry,” said Craig Smitherly, weatherman for Channel 8 as the mob converged upon him.

According to the AP News, Phil MacLaughlin of Swampscott, Mass. said it was not easy to walk his pet Chihuahua. “Um, he’s not my Chihuahua, he’s my girlfriend’s,” said the whipped and freezing man. “I said he could do his duty in the litter box, see, she has 8 cats. She sure loves her cats. She called me an idiot and told me to get out there and if the dog came back even a little wet, we were done. I was like, how am I supposed to keep the little rat dry? It’s snowing! I mean, I didn’t call FuFu a little rat, she hates when I make fun of she hates when I say something that is in disagreement with anything she has to say. So I made these little skis for the dog, you know? I actually made them out of my skis. See, Barbara doesn’t ski so that means I don’t ski anymore. Why would I need the skis? I swear, sometimes I want to just kill everybody.”

While mall shopping was down during this terrible blizzard, online shopping was up! This just goes to show all the terrorists that no matter what us New Yorkers go through, we’ll never stop buying useless crap.

I took advantage of the wonderful winter landscape by shooting all of the people I hated and burying them in the snow. So long, Osama Bin Laden!

And now, my favorite writer on the Internet Gloomchen with

Nihilism and Cupcakes

Sausages vs. Soy

There’s a grand cliché in the world of Internet readership, at least, among those hard-core enough to be “geeks” of a type: they’re either these nerdy, spindly things, or they’re fat, slobby, Pizza Hut fiends. Either way, they’re rumored to have never touched women other than the conceivable other computer geek girls. Even this is a rarity, as these stereotypes never really leave the house anyway.

I’m here to help.

I have been a computer geek chick for a LONG time, since 1995. I was the fat, slobby, Pizza Hut fiend type for a long time. Then I turned 25 and had a midlife crisis of sorts, and bango, I lost half my body weight. What I did not only made me healthier, but it also encouraged me to get the hell out of the house once and a while to socialize because I looked good and had the energy to LIVE.

Don’t run away! Come back!

Seriously. I know, this isn’t what you came here to hear, and no diet/exercise will give you a personality. But some of you out there, you’ve GOT personality. You’re a winner on the internet but you’re a loser in person. You really can have it both ways. It doesn’t take much.

See, I know how the internet geek mind works. Watch Fight Club again, I know all you internet geeks like it. Listen to some of the shit coming out of Tyler Durden’s mouth. You are not your possessions, and you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. Likewise, you do not have to eat McDonalds cheeseburgers or Meat Lover’s pizzas for your sole sustenance. You do not have to watch TV show after mindless TV show, crappy Farrelly Brothers flick after crappy Farrelly Brothers flick. You exist to exist. You do not need to be entertained to live, and you don’t have to absolutely adore everything you eat. It’s just eating. It’s just moving around. It’s not good and it’s not bad. It’s just something you have to do.

Cleanse your mind and eat some stir fry. No, not f*cking three plates of General Tso’s Chicken. Try something not doused in jugs of sauce and fried in buckets of lard. See that broccoli? It likes you. It likes your body. Don’t cover it in cheese sauce. Who cares if it tastes better that way? It’s ruining your life. Reject the french fries and try a baked potato — with margarine, no butter or sour cream. Eat some soup. GOOD soup, read the labels. Eat cereal that looks like twigs and bark. Drink an ocean of water a day, no regular soda allowed. Got a sweet tooth? Have an apple. No, you stupid f*ck, not a can of apple pie filling. Salty craving? Have some pretzels.

I’m doing this to help you.

Your exercise shouldn’t be lifting the remote control or typing an 8 page diatribe on Vince McMahon, Microsoft, and the illuminati. Take a walk. That’s right, just go six blocks. Then try ten blocks. Then fifteen. Then try some hills, some stairs, try the scenic routes. Invest in a good discman or mp3 player and make it worth your time. If you seriously can’t get away from the boob tube, put an exercise bike in front of it. Get an elliptical trainer, a treadmill, anything to get your ass off the couch. Build some muscle, skinny. Burn some fat, tubby.

I’m not trying to insult you. I love you.

In other words, look at the above. How f*cking hard is it? Seriously, analyze those words. It’s NOT HARD to have a good life, the kind of physique and health you’ve always been jealous to see on other guys in bars, or believe it or not, a CHICK. In six months, you’ll see a whole new person. In six months, you’ll start feeling like a whole new person. In a year, you’ll BE a whole new person. Guaranteed. You’ll look in the mirror and your ego will soar, giving you that ability to talk to women. Your personality will come out, and being a NET GOD will turn you into a REAL LIFE GOD.

Will it work for everyone? Of course not, because some of you people just suck balls by nature. You’ll never be able to put down the KFC or Mountain Dew because you have no personality anyway. If you lost weight or gained muscle, all you’d be is a decent looking guy who still has “child molestor” written all over his face. Don’t worry, you can’t help it, you were just born that way. Just stay in front of the computer and leave the little kids alone. Don’t take my advice at all.

But some of you out there… I know you’re worthy. I know you’re ready to change your life. I certainly know I can’t be the only one in the whole universe who was worthy of doing it.

Need some more motivation?

Me, in early 2002

Me, this past Halloween

And I’m dating an Internet geek.

Give me a ring, I’ll be your Richard Simmons if you need one.

Gloomchen

AND NOW, JOSH’S REPUBLICAN LOGIC!

So, we killed 9 kids in Afghanistan. This isn’t the first time we’ve screwed up and killed people. We kill lots of innocent people by accident, and sometimes on purpose!

A lot of liberal, hussy, panty wearing, muffin cooking, meat beaters are crying over the kids. What I have to say to them is, “SHUT UP!” See, you keep saying that our presence in Afghanistan and Iraq is going to result in generations of Iraqis and Afghanis hating us. We’re just being preemptive! Those dirty Afghani kids were going to grow up to kill you! That’s right, you!

So, you panty cooking meat liberal hussy wearing panty beaters, make up your damn minds! Do you want us to kill all the kids or not? Look, we’re just gonna keep bombing everything to hell until you quit your vegan licking communist ways and get on the phone and tell us exactly what you want!

All liberals are traitors! And all traitors should be hanged! And cowboys were hanged in old west! That makes all liberals cowboys! You know who else was a cowboy? George W Bush! I forget the point I was making!

Look, back to the evil terrorist kids. Did you know they were making chemical weapons of mass destruction? IRAQI chemical weapons of mass destruction! You know that as soon as Saddam Hussein gets his hands on those chemical weapons of mass destruction made by those Afghani kids, we’re all done for!

So in the end, liberal traitor cowboys, by killing those 9 children we might have saved America. We might have saved Democracy! So where’s the parade for that brave pilot and the general who ordered the strike? I don’t see it! UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS!

I WANT MY NRATV!

The NRA is looking to buy a television station or a radio station. They want to do this so that they’re considered a news organization and not subject to spending limits in the campaign finance law.

Please no. Look, unlike most liberals I don’t give a crap who has a gun. I don’t have a gun and I don’t want a gun, but if you have a gun I have nothing against you. A good security system or a home in a nice community is expensive, and a gun is a pretty good deterrent to avoid someone robbing your home. I just think that gun owners should post a sign in their front yard, like how people with good security systems have the logo on their window. “COME ON IN, ROBBERS! WE GOTS GUNS!” Then again, people without guns would probably abuse this and put up fake signs of their own. So hmmm

Anyway, back to the subject. While the rich and powerful own most television networks and use them to support their special interests, we don’t need an actual special interest group to own a station so they can maneuver around campaign finance laws. I mean, they’re openly admitting they want to do this so they can buy the U.S. a president of their liking. Come on, jerks! At least be all sneaky about it like you used to be! Listen, I’m out of college and a politics major and I’ve given up on trying to change the system, so I don’t give a shit that a bunch of rich white old Christian guys decide everything. But come on! Don’t make it so obvious that I’m forced to be insulted by it! You jerks!

Listen people. I don’t care if you like guns or not. I don’t care if you think Anne Coulter is a Goddess or an insane bitch. This isn’t a question of Republican vs. Democrat. This is a question of how much bullshit we’ll take from any special interest group trying to take control of the political system. We stood back and watched as the Supreme Court decided the result of the election in 2000. Maybe the recounting process was taking too long, and there’s a good chance Bush should have won, but those votes should have been counted until every one was counted for sure! The AMERICAN PEOPLE should be the final voice of the Presidential Election, and anyone who attempts to unfairly shift the election in one direction or another is stealing our decision from us. It’s wrong. If you love America, you gotta see that. You gotta.

Coming this fall to Fox: WHEN IRAQI MOURNERS ATTACK!

Continuing with the streak of good news, Iraqis mourning the deaths of two men killed by American forces killed an Iraqi civil defense member. That’s what we call the inept police force Americans trained and armed.

The mourners were chanting, “God is great! No one escapes our revenge!” Again, then they killed another Iraqi. Not the best way to get revenge on the American Satan, jackasses. But get ready for a lot of Iraqi on Iraqi violence.

I like to put things into contexts that we can all understand, so let’s try to think of Iraq as a school. The new principal, America, decided to give the student government to the nerds (the Iraqi civil defense) instead of holding school wide elections. This has pissed off all of the students who are neither nerds nor bullies, but the bullies (warlords, al Qaida, remnants of Saddam’s army) aren’t complaining. So in this instance, the regular students were mourning the expulsion of a couple of their friends and the nerds smelled trouble and they were like, “Hey! You better knock it off or we’ll get the principal!” So the normal kids beat the hell out of the nerds.

So we have the normal kids beating up the nerds because the nerds are abusing their power when they can easily be wiped out. Still, the normal kids won’t wipe out the nerds because for the most part the normal kids just want to get an education and they don’t want to get expelled by the principal. The only time the normal kids are going to attack the nerds is when the nerds piss them off, which should be often enough to result in pretty big casualties on both sides.

Meanwhile, the bullies are biding their time. See, they don’t want to run the student government. They want to run the school. They’re taking the occasional swipe at the principal, not so much trying to destroy the principal but rather trying to be so annoying that the principal’s family doesn’t want the principal to stay there anymore. As the principal has a, let’s say, family reunion in which a new head of the household is elected in 2004 and doesn’t want to piss off his family, he’s going to leave.

By this point, the normal kids are going to HATE the nerds! Now that the principal has left, it’s up to the nerds to run the school and they’re going to be creating new rules and basically ruling with a nerdy iron fist. At this point, the bullies will enter the fray and kick the holy snot out of the nerds. At first the bullies will be heroes to the normal kids who despised the nerds, but very quickly the normal kids will be wishing the principal was back as anarchy ensues. There can only be one bully, and the bullies will tear each other apart trying to take control. The normal kids will be caught in the middle of the battle and will probably suffer the most. The nerds at this point will be hanging from the coat hooks by their underwear and calling for the principal, but he’ll have his own problems at home.

Eventually, one bully will win the fight and control the school however he chooses. Great pain will have been suffered by everyone: the bullies, the normal kids and the nerds. No matter how the winning bully decides to run the school, he will make it clear that the person at fault was the principal. The principal is the enemy! Let’s bomb the principal’s embassy! Oh, and anyone who doesn’t agree with the bully will be nuggied until they are bald.

This isn’t liberal bitching. This is the way things happen. The reason the American Revolution worked is because Americans were the ones who revolted. They were getting ready for the aftermath during the revolution. The General of the American army during the revolution took over at the end. There was no Iraqi general this time. They weren’t ready to rise up. I guess I’ll get a lot of hate mail from people who love Bush and think I’m an idiot and then there’ll be nothing left to do but wait and see what happens.

LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS! ALL DIE!

The Washington Post has reported that in the past 6 years, 23 animals at the National Zoo have died due to neglect, misdiagnosis or other mistakes. I did a little research myself and have compiled a list of some of the mistakes made.

-The infamous exhibit, “Wolverine Riding a Zebra.”

-A misprint in the zookeeper handbook stating flamingos only eat poison.

-The 25 cent attraction, “The Koala Katapult.”

-While it did work for 3 months, monkey slaves should not have been delivering meat to the lions.

-Elephants and tigers are not, as previously thought by the zookeepers, “Nature’s Best Buddies.”

-Yes, reptiles are cold blooded, but that does not mean they live in artic conditions. I think we all remember reading about the Komodosicle.

-And of course, the horrible chipmunk holocaust carried out by the evil kangaroos.

Is this a symbol for America? The zoo in our nations capital run by inept, careless, gay zookeepers (I heard a few rumors about Bruce and Leon while doing my research) as our government, the mangled zebra and stomped tiger representing the mangled and stomped American public?

Of course not. It’s a zoo! Get your head out of your ass! (And by the way, I’m reasonably confident an elephant could take a tiger in a one on one fight.)

PRESIDENT POTTY MOUTH.

So Democratic candidate for President of the United States (POTUS to friends) Senator John Kerry gave an interview to Rolling Stone and said, “When I voted for the war, I voted for what I thought was best for the country. Did I expect Howard Dean to go off to the left and say, `I’m against everything?’ Sure. Did I expect George Bush to f*ck it up as badly as he did? I don’t think anybody did.”

Well, the White House was very upset over this. The President’s Chief of Staff Andrew Card went on CNN’s Late Edition and clucked his tongue, saying, “That’s beneath John Kerry. I’m very disappointed that he would use that kind of language. I’m hoping that he’s apologizing at least to himself, because that’s not the John Kerry that I know.”

He then concluded, “That’s not even the John Kerry I want to know!” Andrew Card then started crying and ran out of the room.

You know what? If any White House has the right to complain about naughty language, it’s Bush’s. I mean, it’s not like he called a reporter for the New York Times a “major league asshole.” I mean, that would be wrong! I don’t know why I even attributed that quote to POTUS, or as I like to call hypocrites, POS.

Odd side note, I googled Bush, quote and f*ck to try and nail him, and the only returns I got were FUCK BUSH sites and FUCK LIBERALS WHO HATE BUSH sites. Ah, the beauty of political discourse on the Internet.

And now, here with sports is my personal little me, Stephen Randle.

The Short Sports Report

When you see a title like that, you should know who you’re about to see. That’s right, I’ve got a week and a half between wrestling news reports, and just so you won’t forget I’m around, I’ve tagged along into Grut’s weekly Black column to offer a few thoughts on so-called real sports. I’m Stephen Randle, and I’m Canadian, so when you see lots of hockey news, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

– Big news out of baseball is the continuing ‘arms race’ between Boston and New York. A couple weeks back, Curt Schilling graciously agreed to sign with the Red Sox, completing a trade that was a foregone conclusion about three weeks ago. Many say this makes Boston the favourites to be the American League representatives in the next World Series. I’d agree, but there’s that money pit out in left field that they seem to keep throwing their cash in who might make the difference.

– The Yankees aren’t worried, though, because they’re trying to sign Gary Sheffield. Okay, does anyone else agree that the last thing the Yankees need is another overpriced bat in the lineup? Hell, my team, the Blue Jays, was one of the most productive teams in baseball, offensively, and they didn’t even make the playoffs, because pitching wins ball games. Perhaps the Yanks should take a closer look at their aging rotation and considerable lack of depth in the bullpen.

– Meanwhile, Alex Rodriguez, potentially the least deserving American League MVP in existence, has said he’d agree to a trade to either Boston or New York. No, really? Of course he’d accept a trade to one of the two top contenders in the American League. Who wouldn’t? Of course, since Boston has Nomar and New York has Jeter, I can’t imagine why they’d need to pick up another shortstop, anyway, but by the same token, who else could possibly afford Mr. “$25 Million a Year”? Hell, his remaining salary is larger than some teams’ entire payrolls.

– Fun fact: the Yankees, the Lakers, and the N.Y. Rangers have the highest payrolls in their respective leagues. None of them won their sport’s ultimate trophy last year, and in the case of the Rangers, they weren’t even contenders. Just a thought.

– Hell, the Yankees lost to a team that, essentially, only made it that far because some guy caught a foul ball. At least, that’s what fans out of Chicago say. Not sure how missing one foul ball translates to giving up eight runs, but I guess when you’re a Cubs fan, you need what solace you can get.

– Over in football, where I don’t pretend to have any preferences (though watching Oakland and San Fran self-destruct does give me little shivers of pleasure), I have to wonder if anyone has noticed what’s going on in the NFC. What with all the focus on Philadelphia and Donovan McNabb in the East, over in the West, no one has really mentioned that the Greatest Show on Turf is pretty much waltzing through the season. Come playoffs, I’m calling them to be Philly’s biggest obstacle for a Super Bowl appearance, and I think Philly may not be the favourite in that matchup. Not that I know a damned thing about football, I just like sounding like one of those pretentious sports analysts.

– Monday Night Football tonight, which means one thing to me: I’ll be working, making hundreds of cheap chicken wings for all those lucky people who show up at my bar. So that odd taste in your wings tonight? Me.

– No, I’m not telling you where I work. This way is more fun.

– I’m sure things are happening in basketball, but I can’t really be moved to care, because basketball’s such a wuss sport. I mean, he’s got the ball, knock him down and TAKE it, for crying out loud.

– I will say that Orlando’s lost 19 in a row, with no end in sight, because apparently Tracy McGrady can’t carry an entire team of underachievers. Who would have thunk it.

– Enough of that, on to the real sport: Curling! No, no, even Canadians don’t really understand curling. I suspect they make the rules up as they go, but that’s just me. Anyway, in hockey, Curtis Joseph’s been sent to the minors, since he pretty much stunk up the Detroit net, and they can’t trade him either. Maybe it’s just the vengeful Leafs fan in me, but I couldn’t be happier.

– Speaking of those Leafs, remember when the season started, and the Leafs were too old, too slow, shaky in net, badly coached, and no threat? And remember when Ottawa was the favourite to win the Eastern Conference, and probably the Cup? Turns out someone mixed up their predictions.

– And the only way I’ll ever even pretend to take Ottawa seriously is if Alfredsson cuts his hair. Dude, hockey hair is one thing, but you look like a girl. Honestly.

And that’s everything that matters in sports right now. Liked it? Loved it? Hated it with a passion most unholy? Let me know, but please, no trying to defend Alfredsson’s girly hair. Also, don’t forget to read my wrestling news report in its new Sunday location. And on that note, I return you to your regularly scheduled Grut.

The End

I’ve got some plays up at Flea’s site. Check them out. I hope you enjoyed the column and I’ll see you guys next week. On behalf of Gloomchen and Stephen Randle, this is Joshua Grutman wishing you a good week.