Well, it certainly took long enough for this to happen. The acid blockers stopped working on Sunday night, and I woke up Monday morning with the worst case of acid reflux I’ve had in years. Bad enough to keep me out of work on Monday (bad enough that I didn’t want to dial the phone, so I ended up e-mailing them to tell them I wasn’t coming in), and definitely bad enough to give me a hard time keeping water down. I’ve been in a daze all day, which means that it’s going to be a bumpy ride. So let’s start with the bumps in between trips to the bathroom to dry heave…
SOME NON-WRESTLING MINIS
I tried to write a Blacklog on Sunday viz. Saddam, but it got eaten. The gist of it was this: expect to find him dead within three weeks. He knows too much about the Junta and its predecessors in the White House to be left alive.
If you’re out somewhere doing a good job, and your former boss comes up to you and tries to congratulate you on your effort, and all you can do is tell him to kiss your ass, I guess an apt description of you would be “faggot”. Of course, Matt Millen could have been more judicious and called Johnnie Morton some more appropriate names that didn’t smack so much of Jeremy Shockey yet would have been truthful, like “egomaniac”, “locker-room cancer”, “and you wonder why I cut your ass”, “stop ripping off Scotty 2 Hotty”, and many others as well. Of course, “faggot” is short, sweet, and doesn’t trigger a Dick Vermeil crying jag, so maybe it was the best choice.
Yeah, Joe Horn’s gonna get fined for his phone activites in the end zone on Sunday, but I think that if this leads him to a commercial deal where he gets to beat the shit out of the Verizon “Can you hear me now?” guy, it should be rescinded in the name of the public good.
Now on to the rest…
THE PIMP SECTION
Nute, you don’t have to explain your references. That’s what makes it fun. Leave the references dangle and let the audience do the work. You had a great way to introduce them to the poetry of William Blake there, but you spoon-fed them the stuff. Hell, show some contempt for your audience on occasion. That’s what’s made me successful.
Ashley only gives me a few uncharacteristic lines in his parody. Too bad; I’ve always wanted to see what Ashley could do with my stuff.
Nason has indy results, and it’s a shame that the Johnstown event probably wasn’t recorded by anyone. It’s the only time you’ll see A. J. Styles job to anyone not named Jarrett in the near future. The Lawler/Foley participation was just the cherry on the top, in that light.
Grut‘s doing his own thang over at Black, as are we all. Head over and enjoy the blogging.
Monroe may be a fascist, but he sure knows his beer. He’s got a second column, but he only gets one pimp until I see him say “The War in Iraq was wrong and Dubbaya f*cks pigs” in a public column.
Now, here’s how to do it, Nute. Erhardt doesn’t reference Jonathan Swift at all during his piece, yet I knew where he was coming from. The question, of course, is whether or not Erhardt knew he was doing a Swift riff.
SIFTING THROUGH THE RUBBLE
So we had a little fun and games at Armageddon, with the fun being had by Evolution and the games being played backstage by Trip to set up a triumphant moment on Raw for the Son-In-Law and his running buddies. But there are other moments worth noting:
Yeah, I understand that Booker had to get one back after being turned into everyone’s bitch lately, but if they were serious about the Henry push, and they were, this just shut the door on it once and for all. Ironically, it was because of the fact that they made Booker into a such a lightweight that any big-bad-man cred that Henry may have had was destroyed. For all of the five-time stuff they do with Booker, and no matter how much we in the IWC remind people about him, it’s “what have you brought to us lately?” that matters to the marks. To them, Booker was shown to be a lightweight so often that he gets very little rub out of beating Henry, while Henry’s status as a bruiser gets flushed down the can. Don’t get me wrong, I like it when Booker gets a win. However, was this really the best time and opponent for it?
And speaking of credibilty problems, let’s talk about Randy Orton. Yes, Flair was there to do the interference thing that he does like no other. But Orton getting a pin as a direct result of Flair-ference? Not good booking if WWE wants us to take him seriously, just as with Henry. What Orton needs, damn quick, is a clean pin against a credible opponent. Normally, Booker’s name would be the first one out here, but they destroyed Booker’s credibility as IC-level competition courtesy of this mess with Henry. So who the hell’s left on the face side at the IC level for Orton? Poor or non-existent long-term planning does WWE in yet again.
So the Love Of Missus Hyatte is truly turning Jericho into a face. Oh, God, well, there’s your answer to the above question about who can face Orton. I hope that this turn isn’t being done for reasons as cynical as to have someone at that level on the face side. Yeah, there aren’t very many, admittedly, but Jericho? He’s been Raw’s most consistently entertaining heel for a long time now, and without apparent loss of popularity. Why give up a good thing like this just for the sake of repopulating the upper-mid-card face level? I’m still confused about this one. Let’s hope there’s a nice swerve in here somewhere.
What did Matt Hardy do to deserve a program with Maven? And speaking of upper-mid-card faces, Batista turned himself into one by pounding Maven to a bloody pulp after the match with Michaels. I’m getting to like Dave.
Cade and Jindrak getting eliminated that early during Tag Team Turmoil surprised a lot of people, especially a good portion of the Round Table, who, like me, thought that they’d be getting the straps. But the whole Batista/Flair thing threw events into a new direction. The result of the main was telegraphed at the moment Batista hit the powerbomb, though. You just knew they couldn’t resist throwing every strap on to Evolution members at that point.
Since we’re on the subject of reputations, what exactly does Trip’s pinfall of Goldie do for Goldie? Yeah, I know, they tried to cover it by having Kane being occupied and using a low blow as the coup de grace, but it was still the wrong ending for this one. Goldie’s actually been getting over quite well recently, and it’s been with him utilizing the same rep he did during his flourishing in WCW. With Trip getting the pinfall on him, that shows the chinks in the armor that Goldie shouldn’t have shown. I’m going to stand by my Round Table statement here and repeat it: if they wanted the belt on Trip, it should have been Trip pinning Kane, thus giving us an interesting dynamic heading into Royal Rumble. Position Goldie as the face who “never lost the belt” and Kane as a tweener (which he is anyway) out for revenge on Trip. It provides a great deal more dramatic tension than face/heel matchups, and might get people to tune in a little on Mondays. Goldie’s never been in that type of underdog role, not even against the NWO, and not being part of the pin in a Triple Threat helps maintain his mystique, which WWE has been busting their asses to reestablish. But, no, the Son-In-Law has to get his jobs back in a way that suits him and no one else, not the storylines or the audience. Thanks, Trip, thanks a whole f*cking bunch.
And speaking of Trip, I’m certain that Raw was just chock-full of his nose and other bodily parts…
THE SHORT FORM
Chris Crass versus Trish Stratus and Lita, Yeah, Sure, We Wanted To See This Match Repeated From Last Night Match (ND, God knows): Okay, that’s it. Jericho’s now officially a face. My stomach is way too weak to take this.
The Unrelated Huffmans over Mark Henry and Matt Hardy (Pinfall, Booker pins Hardy, scisssors kick): More repeats from last night in tag form, as usual? Damn, I hate post-PPV Raws. No creativity in booking, no opening up of new vistas, just repeats of the night before. Actually, I’d be more pissed if I bought these PPVs in the first place.
Shawn Michaels and Rob Van Dam over Ric Flair, Dave Batista, and some hanger-on, Handicap Match (Pinfall, Michaels pins Trip, superkick): A twenty-minute match, and all I can remember of it is the fact that it had the silliest, most convoluted ref bump I’ve ever seen in WWE, and that’s really saying something. However, it was a pretty good match. It just wasn’t memorable.
Rico over John Heidenreich, Now They’re Repeating Matches From Last Night’s Heat Too Match (Pinfall, neckbreaker): And even using a variant of the same ending to boot. Let me ask you this: in these days of metrosexualism being fashionable and the popularity of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, don’t you think that Rico could make an acceptable face? And get a substantive push along with it? That might solve a lot of personnel problems.
Kane over Chris Jericho (DQ, Fun With Chairs): Someone, somewhere’s going to call this a “broomstick match”. Except that Kane’s no broomstick. He’s always had talent and ability; it’s just that due to his size, he’s rarely been used with opponents who could carry him to good technical matches. This was an example of the fact that Kane can hang with the better technical wresters. In fact, you can make a case, given this evidence, that Kane was the best pure technical wrestler in the title match at Armageddon. Which is a pretty sad indictment of WWE, if you ask me.
Plateau Bargaining: Okay, Foley needed to do a blow-off with Orton, so I agreed with the concept. However, I knew the Screaming Ninnies are going to be out in force about Foley pissing on his legacy and all that if they went through with it. So now we can wait for a better time instead of blowing it off on Raw. Tragically, they left the opening for two weeks ago still active, and that means that Foley and Austin will be showing up for Austin’s reinstatement hearing. Damn.
And that’ll be it for me today. I’ll try to get some sleep and recover enough to go to work, where upon my return, I’ll start doing the Wednesday Black material. See you over there tomorrow.