The Monday Morning Black Cloud 12.22.03

Lot’s of stuff in the news to talk about this week, but with my mom in the hospital because of a foot infection I don’t know if I have enough holiday joy inside of me to write a report. I and my three brothers just have to face the sad fact that instead of lighting the menorah and spinning the dreidel and opening gifts we will instead be visiting my mom in the hospital as she prepares to have her big toe amputated. You always have to be thankful for something, and in this case we’re thankful we brought her to the hospital when we did or she would have lost her whole foot. Hanukah is forfeit, however. Unless

I have an Amazon wish list thing up. It’d be nice to give my brothers and parents something for the holidays. Most of the stuff on the list is pretty cheap. If you have a few bucks to spare, and I’m pretty sure you don’t as it’s Christmas or Hanukah and you’ve already spent an awful lot, but I’d appreciate if you helped me out. It’s amazing how a couple of stupid DVD’s can change a terrible holiday into a great one. Gloomchen

FLU STRIKES DOWN STEPHEN RANDLE!

“Sorry man, I’ve been felled by the flu, there’ll be no writing today.

Stephen”

Horror has struck Joshua Grutman tonight as his own little him, Stephen Randle, called in sick with the flu. As the flu has taken the lives of less pathetic people than Stephen, we here at the Monday Morning Black Cloud are all positive that Stephen will not survive the week.

Joshua Grutman, me, wrote the following statement as soon as he finished writing this sentence that you’re reading now.

Why Randle, God? I mean really, why? What could you possibly want with Randle? Sure he’s kind of funny, but word around the campfire is that he tries way too hard sometimes. You could have had me, God. Randle is my little me, and you could have had the real me. I won’t forget this Lord. There will be a price, and that price will be high, and we will all pay it for this slight.

Meanwhile, my favorite writer on the Internet Gloomchen, Stephen Randle’s fiancé, had the following to say.

I get the flu at least once every year and still don’t call in sick to work. That means leaving the house and spending 9 hours working — never mind sitting at a computer for an hour typing out a few paragraphs. Randle’s a pussy. I mean, get better soon, Randle! Don’t die from that super strong flu strain going around this year or anything, because that would be a tragedy! Kind of.

So get well soon, Randle! Or don’t. But you’d better have your damn sports report in next week or the spot goes to someone who doesn’t make me want to puke whenever I think of them. You sicken me.

Clay Aiken Graduates from the School of Suck.

In a story that is national news for some reason, Clay Aiken graduated from the University of North Carolina in Charlotte with a BA in Special Education. I think this is a great time to talk about Libya.

Libya announced that they will disarm themselves of Weapons of Mass Destruction in order to reopen relations with the west. Their leader, Moammar Gadhafi, signed a disarmament treaty. Libyan Prime Minister Shukri Ghanem said, “We are turning our swords into ploughshares, and this step should be appreciated and followed by all other countries” President Bush then responded, “We must destroy the ploughshares of Libya.”

I was one of the people who was pretty much floored by Libya doing a 180. They’re going to reveal how close they were to having a nuclear bomb and pretty much sell their country to U.S. oil companies. The way I figure this is that there are two possible explanations.

1. They honestly want to lay down their weapons and reopen ties with the west to make the world a better place.

2. The end is nigh! Great Satan America Bush is charging into the Middle East with his fiery swords swinging at all who come across his evil glare! Satan Bush must be the only one with the great equalizer, the nuclear bomb! If he is not, then he is unhappy and will continue to kill our children and their mothers and puppies! We must either get in line and sell our very souls to the monster Satan Bush George or we will surely perish! I don’t want to perish!

So there’s that.

Agree or disagree with the war in Iraq, going back to back with big quick wins in the past two wars has countries who hate us on the run. I am a little worried that we might be hated by the whole world if this keeps up, but it relaxes me to know that the whole world mostly hates us already.

And now, here with sports is my older brother Brian Grutman.

The Jock Strap Report.

George Steinbrenner has officially wore out his welcome in New York. After refusing to resign beloved Yankee favorite Andy Pettite, sources report that he spent the next three days clad in his underwear, chanting into a mirror, “Who’s the Boss? I’m the Boss.” He then signed notorious head cases Gary Sheffield and Kevin Brown despite the objections of the entire Yankee coaching staff. It is rumored that the Boss signed the twosome because he felt that he had to make a move to counter the recent signing of Curt Schilling by the Boston Red Sox.

Boston, who appeared to fill their rotation by signing Schilling, has managed to alienate their two best players Manny Ramirez and Nomar Garciaparra by completing a trade for Texas 25 Million Dollar Shortstop, Alex Rodriguez. Ramirez would have been sent to Texas and Garciaparra would have been traded to Chicago, for all star outfielder Magglio Ordonez. After announcing that Texas and Boston had reached an agreement, the players union vetoed the trade, claiming that Rodriguez could not accept a deal that would devalue the contract that he had signed 3 years ago with Texas. Asked to comment on whether or not he felt insulted that he was almost traded to a non-contender, Garciaparra commented, “Fuck Boston. Fuck Theo Epstein, and f*ck A-Rod. Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck.”

The New York Giants have officially fallen into last place of the entire NFL with their embarrassing loss to the Tuna charged Dallas Cowboys. The once hopeful Super Bowl contenders ended an impressive streak of 6 games scoring only one touchdown by kicking a field goal against Dallas. While neglecting to score a touchdown, lame duck coach Jim Fassel commented, “Well, at least we got that monkey off our back.” Tight end Jeremy Shockey, recently voted to the Pro Bowl despite missing the last 6 games due to turf toe, is suffering from acute depression. Seems that Mr. Shockey failed to live up to his promise to “kill every defensive player in the league.” His lone touchdown this season was every bit as exciting as the 15 magazines that put him on the cover before the season said it would be. Maybe even more.

The Jets, having dropped the first 4 games of the season, are playing much better behind the leadership of quarterback Chad Pennington and star wide receiver Santana Moss. They were eliminated from playoff contention after losing to the hapless Buffalo Bills last week. This week, they lost to Super Bowl favorite New England by 5 points in what turned out to be a real nail biter. Center Kevin Mawae allegedly consumed a Volkswagen after the loss. He’s a bad sport.

The Rangers play hockey, a stupid game. Full of European and Canadian athletes. On skates. It’s a sport that reminds me of my nice, little, Jewish high school. They fight like pussies, pulling shirts and scratching while never hurting each other but managing to look really mad while two wimpy old guys pull them apart. Plus, there are two or three black guys in the whole place and everybody automatically assumes that they’re only there to cause trouble. The Rangers might be doing well this season, but I doubt it. They’re a New York team, thus, they must suck.

Congratulations to the New Orleans kicker, Mr. John Carney. You are the first recipient of the Special Olympic Play of the Week. After your teammates pulled off one of the most dramatic, amazing plays in the history of football, moving the ball from player to player more than 8 times to get into the end zone as time expired, you managed to shank the extra point. Well done.

Next week, look forward to a more fact filled report. Until then, read my opinions and accept them as truth.

Brian Grutman

— Brian

The End!

Sorry for the short report but my mom was in the hospital. Gotta go visit her.

For Brian Grutman and Gloomchen, this is Joshua Grutman wishing you a good week.