Welcome back to The Bootleg. I can tell everyone, right now…without any hesitation…that this column is going to be the highlight of my weekend. What makes me so damn sure? Well, on Saturday afternoon, I’ll be attending a birthday party…for a one-year-old child.
Of course, it gets worse. See, the mother of this lil’ crap factory just happens to be very good friends with my wife (well, not that good, as I’d be willing to let them explore the possibilities). Anyways, the wife will want to get there well before anyone else to help set things up and she’ll want to stay long past that awkward moment where someone (usually me) tries to find that perfect “exit” phrase (i.e. “Look at the time!”)
But, wait…there’s more. As with all child parties these days, there’s a theme. For the kid’s first birthday, the entire shindig will revolve around something called The Wiggles. Click on that goddam link and suffer right along with me.
Y’know…it wasn’t that long ago when I actually enjoyed my weekends. Now, I feel like Will Ferrell in Old School, whenever anyone comes over to my cubicle and asks about my weekend plans on Friday afternoon.
“I think we’re going to a f*ckin’ kid’s birthday party…and maybe Bed, Bath & Beyond. I don’t know, we may not have enough time.”
Remember…The Goodness is “super” every Sunday.
Stranded on Death Row
Three weeks ago today, G-Unit member Tony Yayo (né Marvin Bernard) was released from Lakeview Shock Incarceration Correctional Facility after serving 12 months for illegal gun possession. It was rumored that Yayo was planning to head straight to Canada in order to collect on the group’s bounty for the head of 411’s Warren Woo (Canadian-Asian? Canasian? Can-As Connection?). But, before Yayo could even enjoy 24 hours of sweet, sweet freedom…he was back in jail.
It seems that Mr. Yayo was in possession of a forged passport…that he unknowingly handed over to his parole officer during a standard post-release review. No lie…I actually saw Jessica Simpson quoted as saying, “Damn, now that’s a stupid mutha f*cka.” Christ, I think Sideshow Bob was out on parole longer. I should note, that I was originally going to use “Tobias Beecher” in that last line, but since his parole occurred during the horrible final season of HBO’s Oz – which never, ever happened – I decided to go with the erstwhile Krusty sidekick, instead.
Living in an 8 x 8 Cell
Have you noticed how many stories there have been regarding musicians in trouble with the law? Ah, but how many of them are accompanied by mug shots like this one. James Brown was arrested earlier this week and charged with domestic violence for allegedly pushing his wife to the floor during an argument in their South Carolina home. Details are sketchy at this time, but an informed source has provided The Bootleg with confidential information regarding the reason behind the Godfather of Soul’s violent outburst.
It seems that his wife recently stumbled upon Mr. Brown’s secret life. Oh, yeah…by day he’s the man who gave the world legendary hits like I Feel Good and Papa Got A Brand New Bag. However, under the darkness of night…he performs as acclaimed actress Cicely Tyson. I loved him/her in Roots.
I Never Meant To Take Your Ride…
With all the Benzino drama that’s been going on lately, Eminem probably needed a story that would put a smile on his cherubic face. Well, it appears that his birthday wish has come true as his estranged mother, Debbie was the victim of an alleged carjacking last week. And in a delicious twist of irony, she was sitting at a gas station…on Eight Mile Road. Maybe they can film a make-up scene for the 10th Anniversary Release of 8 Mile in a few more years. I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to assume that “Cheddar Bob” and the rest of the cast will be available and eager for work in 2012.
Here’s hoping that Mekhi Phifer will have pulled his career out of its eternal free fall by then. Man, who is this brutha’s agent…Paul Heyman? I mean, a résumé that includes roles in High School High, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer and second billing in Carmen: A Hip Hopera is just begging for an intervention. (“Mekhi…don’t sign that contract. No one wants to see a sequel to Phat Beach, even if Jermaine “Huggy” Hopkins has agreed to reprise his role.”)
Smells Like Commercialism
Beyoncé has inked a deal with the Tommy Hilfiger brand to endorse their new line of women’s fragrances. Ms. Knowles will appear in print and TV ads beginning this fall and plans to have a hand in the entire product concept. I can’t say that I’m really a fan of perfumes and the like. Now, don’t get me wrong…I’d drink Beyonce’s bath water if God ever got around to answering my prayers or collecting the $3,000 in loose change I’ve gradually tossed into that wishing well located in the back of most churches.
It’s just that I’d rather see all these eye-watering scents marketed just like “Arrogance”. And, I know I don’t have to explain the signature stank of former WWF star “The Model” Rick Martel, do I? Just have Beyoncé fill a cartoonishly large atomizer with her noxious solution and the ads will write themselves. Perhaps, even a Destiny’s Child heel turn, where she blinds her former band mates with a few well-placed sprays.
A Jail Story Without an Oz Reference?
Ronald Blackwell, 34, (a.k.a. “Spigg Nice” of the Queens rap group The Lost Boys) has found his ass in federal prison for the next 37 years. He and three other co-defendants were convicted for their roles in a string of violent “takeover” bank robberies over a 16-month stretch. Blackwell isn’t that much older than me so I know he’s had to have watched glorified heist flicks like Set It Off or Point Break.
One would think that the positive influences of Patrick Swayze as “Bodhi” and Keanu Reeves as “Utah” could steer any ne’er-do-well from a life of crime. And, if that didn’t work, it should’ve only taken one viewing of the narcoleptic performances in either movie to steer “Spigg Nice” clear of that career path. I still remember a packed theater in 1996 during a viewing of Set It Off, yelling at the screen in unison, “Jada’s hiding on the bus! Don’t let that bitch get away like my eight dollars!”
This…Isn’t…Juice!
A few months ago, The Bootleg reported on Nelly’s energy drink business venture. “Pimp Juice” is still only available in select regions, but the beverage has just passed the one million mark in sales. In fact, it’s moving so well that it’s expected to be available for purchase on the internet by the end of the year. I’ll admit it…I’m curious as to what all the hype is about. This is definitely something I’d like to try at least once…much like fidelity. As a fat kid growing up with a preference for fruit pies and my Atari 2600 Raiders of the Lost Ark game, my impulse food desires were driven by the release of new n’ exciting products like Donkey Kong Cereal, Micro-Magic Burgers & Fries and Hubba Bubba Gum.
I guess I’ve never grown out of that desire to be the last person on the bandwagon of every fad that comes down the pike. Seriously, I didn’t get my first pair of Underoos until four years ago…and my first pair of Kanga-Roos came about six weeks later. Shoes with pockets…what a concept.
You’ve Come A Long Way, Bitch
The Eyejammie Fine Arts Gallery of New York will present a photographic tribute to women in hip-hop. The series is entitled Work It! Images of Women in Hip Hop and runs from February 20 through March 13. This actually has a lot of potential to illustrate how the female’s role in Hip Hop has evolved over the last two decades. 20 years ago, it was Sha-Rock, The Mercedes Ladies and Sequence. A few years later, it was Roxanne Shante, JJ Fad and Salt n’ Pepa. In the ’90s, we met Da Brat, TLC, Lil’ Kim and Lady of Rage.
Finally, in what can only be called the golden renaissance of women in hip hop, the 21st century paved the way for trailblazers like “that girl in the 50 Cent video…you know, the one with the Juicy-Fruit â„¢ ass and the light eyes…she’s mixed, like Black and Indian…do you have any pictures of her you can email me?” Whoops, sorry…for some reason, I started typing the text of every other email I get from you people.
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
A Chicago judge has ordered R. Kelly to stay away from Michael Jackson while Kelly is in Southern California for the Grammy Awards on February 8. The accused child pornographer (Kelly, not Jackson) wrote One More Chance for the accused child molester (Jackson, not Kelly) and it was rumored that the two were collaborating on another single.
We can safely say that the world of entertainment hasn’t seen such a prolific union of evil since Darth Vader and The Emperor shared the screen in Return of the Jedi. In fact, I think the eventual meeting between Jackson and Kelly should incorporate as much dialogue from the third part of the Star Wars trilogy, as possible:
Kelly: The new album will be completed on schedule.
Jackson: You have done well, R. Kelly. And now I sense you wish to continue your search for young girls.
Kelly: Yes, Michael.
Jackson: Patience, my friend. In time, they will seek you out. And when they do, you must cover the lens before you pee. And see if she has a brother. Only together can we turn them to the dark side of your ass…and the light side of mine.
Bootleg Anniversary Contest!
On February 14, 2003…the first ever Friday News Bootleg was published. I’m beyond grateful for the opportunity to bring my skewed views of the music world to you each and every week and I appreciate all the feedback that my work on 411 has generated.
So, what better time to announce the first-ever contest here in The Bootleg? The prize up for grabs is a $50 Best Buy Gift Card! Buy a few CDs, some DVDs or even 7/8 of a PS2 or Xbox game. What do you have to do to win…?
In 50 words or less, tell me why you should win the card.
OR
Provide a name for my unborn son that’s better than “Baby Bootleg”.
The only rule is that you be funny. Longtime readers of The Goodness have a good idea as to what I think is funny, so have at it. Enter as often as you like. The winner will be announced in the February 13 edition of The Bootleg and the deadline for entries is February 5 at midnight.
Sorry, but 411 staff is not eligible…So, get a job and buy your own damn gift card, Biscuiti.
A Quick Moment of My Time
M’man Nick is off celebrating his birthday this weekend, so I thought I’d debut a new, occasional feature in his absence.
When: Thursday, January 29, 2004 at 6:30 AM
Where: Mobil Gas Station Convenience Store
Before work, I stop off at the gas station down the hill from my house to pick up an 8-oz. can of overpriced energy drink. I’ve been there before, so the chick behind the counter kinda knows me, I guess.
Her: Good Morning!
Me: Hey…
Her: That’ll be $2.50…
Me: …
Her: Is that a wedding ring?
Me: Huh?
Her: (gesturing towards my finger with the can of Sobe’s Adrenaline Rush) Is that a wedding ring?
Me: Oh…yeah.
Her: I was just wondering…
What the hell was that? Was she flirting? Was she pissed? Can I ever go back there, again? Most importantly, why do I feel guilty, like I was keeping this information from her? (“Uh, I’m sorry for not telling you about my wife…I could never seem to find the right time: before or after you rang up my bag of Fun’yuns?”)
General Haberdashery
Joe Reid is part of our excellent Movies Section and last week he had a extended piece on the greatest music sequences in film. It’s a great read…and I would be remiss if I didn’t mention his proposed name for Baby Bootleg…”Little Shabazz”.
Fernandez has full frontal nudity, Aisha Bell and Claire Flynn Boyle this week. Next week, he must decide which of them he’ll take to the 411 Valentine’s Day Cotillion.
Smilo uncovers a scandal regarding the 411 Music Awards Voting and my part in it.
Mathan covers karaoke and provides a hip hop history lesson on my namesake.
Ask Joe addresses some musical urban legends, a few obscure lyrics and tells you what to look for in oh-four.
Cocozza wants to know how this Fed Ex box of “white stuff” showed up at his door.
EM graciously allows you to breathe his air, walk his earth and write in his column.
Junk Mail
The virtual mailbag was oozing over with a dozen or so readers who took me to task for doubting last week’s news item on the Jay-Z/Beatles quasi-collabo called The Grey Album. Well, not only is it legit…but longtime Friend of the Bootleg, Yayo Hernandez even sent some links to some of the actual tracks.
Hey Aaron, just dropping you a line about the Grey Album. It is a real album, and you can go to Hiphopsite.com and cop it for $12.00. Here’s a link to his song Allure.
And here’s some more background on the producer of this effort, the previously mocked “Danger Mouse”:
When I say this, it should be noted that I’ve only heard a couple of tracks by DM & Jemini (Danger Mouse in other words), one being ‘don’t do drugs’, and I wouldn’t doubt for a second that this whole Grey Album thing is true. They’re one of those irritating “LOOK AT WHAT WE JUST DID! WE’RE CRAZY!” kinda groups, DJ Shadow with the beard-stroking factor knocked down to a comedic level. Pretty fun though.
Jemini does have a thoroughly debatable name though- Jemini The Gifted One. To quote South Park, if irony were strawberries, we’d sure be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.
A complete waste of your time, I am sure, but I had to let you know how much the goodness rules while actually having to something to say. I’m a pragmatist at heart. – Tom C.
Thanks for the knowledge, brutha. And believe me…feedback to anything I write is never a waste of my time…with the exception of:
I’ve been a fan of Foxy Brown since she first dropped in 1996 and I can’t believe how disrespectful you were to her. She came thru all of the drama as a better person, when she could have listened to what illiterate writers like you say about her. I don’t mean to sound cold, but I want to let you know what it feels like. I’m probably one of Foxy’s biggest idols and I just wanted get that off my chest. – Anonymous
Wow. I can’t say that someone too lazy to type out “t-h-r-o-u-g-h” has ever called me “illiterate”. And, I’d just like to know how long Foxy has looked up to you as “one of her biggest idols”. Hey, Case…why don’t you get back to your grease station and add a couple of those McApple Pies to my order.
Coming Soon
It got to be a little sad for me to post the same items to the “coming soon” section without delivering, but I’ve got to motivate myself to quit spending time with the wife and devote that time to this unpaid writing gig.
This weekend, I plan to contribute another piece to 411 Black. Look for it early next week. Also, my next album review will be from one of the following: Missy Elliott, Ruben Studdard or Twista. Finally, as God as my witness, I’ll complete the final part of the 10-part Tupac Resurrection series before the movie is released on DVD.
Life With Mrs. Bootleg
So you’re thinkin’ about getting your girl knocked up? Here’s what you’re in store for:
It’s hard to notice the day-to-day changes that a woman goes through when she’s pregnant. Her stomach and areola get bigger…her bladder, in turn, gets smaller. These are easy to see and, more importantly, easy to make fun of. However, last week I was emailed a picture of my wife that absolutely floored me. I examined her puffy lil’ face and noticed something that I know wasn’t there before.
My wife has developed jowls.
Hell, I’m talkin’ jowls like Matilda the Bulldog. I now live in constant fear that The Islanders will someday run-in and kidnap her. If that wasn’t bad enough, the rest of her is plumping like a Ballpark Frank. A few days ago, the wife informed me that she might, in fact, be suffering from a serious medical condition known as toxemia (a pregnancy-related form of high blood pressure/hypertension).
As you read this, she’s on her way to the doctor to determine whether or not she’ll be told to stay at home for the remainder of her pregnancy. I wonder if she’ll disclose the fact that earlier this week, she sent me to Taco Bell with my last five bucks for a sack of their quasi-Mexican grub. She picked at her ($2.69) Nachos Bell Grande, before proclaiming that it was “salty”.
Get the f*ck outta here. Tortilla chips topped with refried beans and heavily preserved ground beef is “salty”? Call the FD goddam A, cuz they’ve gotta know about this. By the way, my ($1.49) Chalupa was just fine.
What kind of changes are in store for 411 in the coming weeks? Widro doesn’t want me to tell…but I will! Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
