Query: If John Daly won a PGA tour event, Dale Earnhardt is kicking ass in NASCAR, and Shawn Michaels is wrestling for a title at Wrestlemania, can I safely assume that it’s 1993 again? In that case, I have a cushy government job, a Democrat is president, the economy is good, and Type II Bipolar Disorder hasn’t been categorized yet, meaning I’m mentally ill but no one knows what it is so they fear me. I’ll take that trade.
That was snappy and quick, wasn’t it? Now, on to the wrestling shit. Well, not until I answer someone who asked me to write something…
AN ANSWER TO MONROE
In his Sunday column, Monroe outlined some things against John Kerry that he asked me to answer in this column. I will do so for his and your benefit:
1. Breaking news on adultery with intern.
Not proven at this point (especially coming from right-wing queer egg fetishist Matt Drudge; know your source), and even if it was, two words: “Gennifer Flowers”. Americans have finally come to grips with the fact that their politicians are men who will get some on the side if given the opportunity, like any other man. Of course, this wouldn’t be the proper place to mention Bush Senior’s same difficulties with the concept of sexual monogamy, would it? At least we know that Kerry won’t hire the intern as a press spokesperson like Bush Senior did.
2. Supported War in Iraq which alienated him from the loony left.
What’s so loony about not supporting an unjust war? But that’s not the point here. The point is that Kerry represents his constituents, who were in favor of this conflict at the time troops were sent. He reflected their wishes, as a good representative of the people should do. It didn’t alienate him from the left-wing Demos because the party’s sinistral section have realized that Kerry’s electable and acceptable to them. They’re going to support him.
3. Once troops were in Iraq he voted not to fund them seemingly wanting to leave them high and dry. This alienates him from the Centrists and Independents.
The alienation part isn’t true because, by that time, opinion had turned against the conflict when it became clear that the US was led into it by a cynical group of congenital liars who misled the public. Again, Kerry was reflecting the wishes of his constituents. Besides, the centrists and independents will support him because, at heart, he’s a Clinton Democrat, and they’re electable.
4. Has taken a public stand against Gay Marriage, yet just two years ago signed a letter urging the Mass Legislature to drop a constitutional amendment banning Gay Marriage.
Again, the sign of a canny politician. He can see the writing on the wall for this issue, how it’s going to be used as a sledgehammer by the Religious Reich, especially since the action’s coming from the Commonwealth. Also, Kerry is the type of guy who believes in the sanctity of a constitution. He feels that amending the basic core of the law for something as trivial as this isn’t necessary. A constitution should only be amended to provide redress and clarification to issues of gravity and importance. This isn’t one of them.
5. Has one of the most radical, leftist records in the Senate voting even farther to the left then Ted Kennedy. This includes voting for partial birth abortion which even a significant number of Democrats oppose according to all polls.
He’s from Massachusetts. What do you expect? It’d be like criticizing Orrin Hatch for having one of the most radical righty voting records in the Senate.
Now, as per “partial-birth abortion”, that’s another masterpiece of right-wing propaganda designed to spread FUD over an issue like chocolate frosting on a cake. The reason why Kerry voted in favor of keeping it legal was that the United States has never, ever banned a surgical procedure with legitimate use, and this procedure has legitimate use (like saving the mother’s life). Go ahead and criticize him on this issue, and I’ll criticize Dubbaya for giving the public more executions as Governor of Texas than UPN gives us new episodes of Enterprise. I’m in favor of the death penalty, but that was ridiculous.
Then we get into the comparisons starting to creep up between John Kerry and Benedict Arnold. That being that they were both combat hero’s who betrayed their country.
You know what, I’m really sick and tired of Benedict Arnold getting a bum rap. Let me deal with Kerry first, then go on to that. Kerry served his time as a combat officer, took in what he saw, and came to the conclusion that Vietnam was wrong. He then helped form Vietnam Veterans Against The War in order to communicate to Middle American Parents that their kids marching in the street weren’t doing that because they were wrong-headed, misguided, brainwashed, or simply trying to piss them off. They were doing it out of moral conviction because here were guys who were there, and they think the same way as those kids. It sent a very powerful message. Was John Kerry passing on secrets to Ho Chi Mihn or something? Where’s the overt acts that would make this “treason”? Protest is political speech, which is covered under the First Amendment. Oh, I see, Monroe, you’re using Ann Coulter’s definition of the word. Jesus Christ, son, get your head out of that book and read The Conscience of a Conservative or something by Bill Buckley, like I recommended.
No, as for the issue of Benedict Arnold…first of all, the guy was a traitor. He participated in an armed conflict against the lawfully-recognized authority of his King and Country. That’s some heavy-duty shit if your heart isn’t in it, and thanks to the revolutionaries, his heart wasn’t in it. The guy was the key factor in winning the Battle of Saratoga, one of the linchpin conflicts of the Revolutionary War. It was Saratoga that got France to recognize the United States, the first country in Europe to do so (of course, the French will do anything to piss off the English, and relations were at the miserable-without-being-at-war stage between them at the time). So what happened? Did Arnold get honored and praised for his military skill? No. Horatio Gates, a complete incompetent, did. The Continental Congress and his military peers treated him almost as badly as Stalin treated Marshal Zhukov after WWII. So Arnold, who was always the wavering type anyway, said “Fuck this”, took what he knew to the British, who were still recognized as the legitimate government of the American Colonies by most of the world in 1777, and repented his earlier “mistake”. Treason is only treason if you’re on the losing side.
I’m just glad that Monroe didn’t decide to put up the photo of Kerry with Jane Fonda that’s been making the rounds, since that’s already been proven to be a fake. He needs to learn the difference, though, between ideology and politics. 2004 is not a year for the ideologists like 1994 and 1984 were. It’s a year for the politicians, and Kerry’s the best politician available to drive Dubbaya and the Junta out of their illegal and immoral occupation of the White House. That’s why I’m supporting him. If the tool works, the nature of the tool is irrelevant.
By the way, the thing lost in this whole Dubbaya Service Record story isn’t the fact that he may or may not have went AWOL. It’s the fact that he used political pull to get out of the chance of being sent to Vietnam. John Kerry was there and served. Period.
HYATTE PRINTS MAIL FROM ANOTHER RETARD, AND AGAIN, IT’S UP TO ME TO CLEAN THINGS UP
First of all, let’s go back to someone bitching about Hyatte yesterday and get this ‘tard’s quote:
Just wanted to offer you a little more good news. Newsfilter.org, the site you keep referring people to for the squirting Queen Amidala, is propagating the Cool Virus.
No such thing. There is a family of rather pernicious pieces of spyware called CoolWebSearch, though, and they’re almost virus-like in their difficulty to remove. If you go to the Spyware Info forums, they have instructions on how to find out if you’ve been nailed with CoolWebSearch, plus they have a tool you can download to get rid of it along with instructions on how to use said tool.
Also, yet again, I must explain to you to get copies of SpyBot and AdAware to make sure your system is scrubbed clean of spyware. Download each, install them, update each using their internal update program, and run. Use both just to be sure. One has the tendency to detect stuff the other won’t.
The virus is embedded in one of the mpegs on the movie page, but I have been unable to verify which one.
This is, of course, bullshit. Viruses do not spread through MPEGs unless the videos are contained in self-executables. However, CoolWebSearch can be installed through a drive-by ActiveX control. They could be using an ActiveX control to play said MPEGs inside of your browser, and CoolWebSearch could be hidden inside that control. The best way to not become infected with a malicious ActiveX control is, of course, not to use IE. However, if you need to for certain sites (and porn sites are at the top of that list), get a copy of SpywareBlaster, which will block 1100 different malicious ActiveX controls, including virtually all variants of CoolWebSearch. Again, download, install, update, make sure all items are checked, and click on “Protect Against Checked Items”.
Also the F-Secure.exe program is the only antivirus on the market available to remove this virus.
Again, bullshit, if it was a virus, since F-Secure is one of the worst when it comes to updating their anti-virus libraries. F-Secure also removes some spyware, though, which is becoming a common feature among AV programs these days (Norton 2004 also has some limited anti-spyware capability) and fits into our whole motif here. Don’t rely on an anti-virus program to deal with spyware, since spyware is technically non-viral and non-worm. Get a dedicated spyware removal tool like the ones above.
Of course, Hyatte prints stuff like this knowing I’ve got his back. So, let me summarize by saying to you, yet again, the best cure is an ounce of prevention. Practice Safe Surfing and wrap a johnnie around that browser.
AND, FINALLY, PIMPS FOR PEOPLE WHO DON’T ASK ME TO ANSWER STUFF OR LEAVE THINGS DANGLING IN THEIR COLUMNS FOR ME TO PICK UP ON…SORTA (THANKS, HAYHURST)…
Nute starts whipping out physics equations and dumbs it down to the point where you can understand the basics. Of course, I could explain it much better, having, like, an actual degree in said subject, but I’ll let it stand as is. Otherwise, I’m going to go into a screed about angular momentum, vector sums, and gravitational effects that’ll have you clicking your Back button so fast it’ll make your head spin. Plus I’d have to end up writing this puppy in TeX just to get the equations in.
However, I can’t answer stuff about movies better than Hayhurst. Turn there if you’re interested. Plus, he pimps an Old Pal, Ed Knox, and that always deserves a pimp in return.
Unfortunately, he also decides to move into one of my areas, namely cartoons, and gets it wrong. So let me get this right: Gargoyles does indeed have 65 episodes. However, they were originally broadcast in 1995 and 1996 on ABC. Its slot on ABC was taken by 101 Dalmatians when that series began in 1997, not 1999. In addition to those 65 episodes, someone at Disney ordered 13 episodes of a dumbed-down, less-dark, more kid-friendly version called The Goliath Chronicles, which were broadcast at the end of those 65 episodes on ABC (as they are now on Toon Disney). Gargoyles weirdos regard the first episode of that series to be canonical with the remainder of the series, but not the twelve after that. The ratings weren’t good because 1) Disney doesn’t know how to handle darker material, as you said and 2) because their entire marketing effort behind the series seems to have been “Let’s get the entire cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation to do voices* and the Trekkers will tune in”.
* – Okay, to be fair, not all of them did. Patrick Stewart, Gates McFadden, and Wil Wheaton didn’t. However, they’re balanced by Nichelle Nichols and Kate Mulgrew doing voices for the show.
By the way, Hayhurst also snuck in the “six degrees” between wrestling and cartoons which makes this whole little screed on-topic. He cited the fact that Keith David fought Roddy Piper in They Live. David, of course, voiced Goliath, the lead character on Gargoyles (I’d say something about the appropriateness of said casting and whether someone at Disney actually has a sense of humor in that department, but David was the perfect choice for the voice, so I don’t think any shenanigans were occurring). I won’t go any farther along this line, because Gargoyles has a chain leading directly to Flex.
By the way, Hayhurst, you have got to see Meet the Feebles, one of the most perverse films ever created. It’s also a nice cold bath of water for any of those LotR fanatics who worship the ground that Peter Jackson walks on.
Melchor is your new place to turn for music news on Mondays. So turn there, why don’t you?
Norton gives you advice if you want to become a wrestler. First piece of advice: don’t bother.
Livingston attended an event on Sunday which I will discuss in the next section. Sounds like he had a good time.
BUT FIRST, A QUESTION…
Raw Regular The Joe In Me asks this:
I have a question for you, Eric: You’re a smart guy, I’ve learned from reading your column that you know something about everything, so maybe you know this. Why do you suppose that the WWE is allowed to use the classic “WWF” logo on their products, but not the scratch “WWF” logo? What’s the difference between the two?
The classic WWF logo, I believe, was not covered under the suit from the World Wildlife Fund. Therefore, WWE didn’t have to give it up, but the fact that they had to change the name made further use of the old logo irrelevant. As to why this is so, my best guess would be that the trademark registrar of the old logo was Titan Sports, not World Wrestling Federation Entertainment, who was the defendant in the World Wildlife Fund suit. I’m not exactly sure what the legal arrangement was at the time Titan transmogrified into WWFE, but it could be that Vince was awarded ownership of the trademark. Titan Sports could have been dissolved legally and its assets divided between WWFE and Vince. WWFE was Titan’s successor de facto but may not be its successor de jure in terms of all assets being transferred. If Vince owns the trademark to the old logo, then he licenses it for use by WWFE when it comes to that logo showing up on old video. I presume the terms of the licensing are very favorable (a dollar a year for an extended period of time or something like that).
That seems the most logical answer. I’m not absolutely certain of it, but I seem to remember something about that during the suit. It does make sense that Vince personally owns the trademark (or it’s held by some other corporate entity comprising Vince and Linda), which is why the World Wildlife Fund couldn’t come after that without a separate suit on Vince. That suit would have provided a much weaker case than the one against WWFE, and there could have been mixed results in court that would have weakened the World Wildlife Fund’s case against WWFE. So rather than risk it, the World Wildlife Fund decided not to go after the rights on a logo that WWFE wasn’t using anyway.
OH, WE HAD A PPV ON SUNDAY?
No Way Out is the most irrelevant PPV of the year. I’ve argued for years now that this PPV shouldn’t exist, that it detracts from both Royal Rumble and Wrestlemania. It exists simply as a thinly-veiled excuse for Vince to snag a little more money from his audience. Because of that specious reason for existing, No Way Out has to go out of its way to deliver something surprising and special in order for the audience to feel that it’s getting its money’s worth.
A good portion of the time, though, that “something” is a world title change. It’s been done before, and it was done again on Sunday (that’s a repeat line for the benefit of those who don’t read the Round Table). Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy as a pig in shit to see Eddy Guerrero wearing a world title. I’m happy for him and I’m happy for all of us. I’m especially happy for him because I was firmly convinced that he couldn’t turn his personal life around, and I even recommended not rehiring him due to his recidivist history. But he came back, he became bigger than ever, and now he’s reaping the rewards as one of the participants in the co-main at WM. But the fact that he won the title at No Way Out, and the manner in which he did, cheapens that.
Eddy was the beneficiary of No Way Out’s needs to deliver something for audience value. He’s the most over face on the Smackdown roster, so a world title win sends the audience home happy, and gives a good afterglow to the whole thing for the suckers who paid to see this in their own homes. But there’s no getting around the fact that Eddy was the right person in the right place at the right time. He wasn’t given the title simply because he was over. He was given the title to service the PPV. And he was also given the title to service a match which will overshadow his own world title defense at WM. Thirty minutes of busting ass, and all people will remember about this is the fact that Goldberg was involved. He doesn’t deserve that.
Also, there’s a problem in the fact that this wasn’t really a surprise. I don’t mean a surprise just to the members of the IWC either. It was obvious from the first mention of Goldberg’s involvement that Brock would drop the title to set up the WM match. We already have one “cross-promotion” world title match set at WM. Two of them would be overkill, and would have a chance of killing the brand separation unless the dissatisfying result of Trip and Lesnar going over was used. Of course, we of the IWC know about Goldie’s contract situation, which means that unless Goldie and Vince come to an understanding, Goldie couldn’t be booked to win if the match was for the belt. Hence, Lesnar and the strap had to be separated. Again, Eddy was the right person at the right place at the right time for that.
The solution to Eddy’s problem is to give him a substantive title reign, starting with having him go over clean at WM. Thank God it’s Kurt Angle in there with him. Going clean over Angle solves all of Eddy’s problems in one blow: he beats a credible challenger with a history of making guys look good in matches of this scale (hell, Angle did it for Lesnar…let’s not remind ourselves of that). Right now, Angle/Eddy is the best match on the WM card, and should remain that way. If I’m Ross Williams, I’m feeling incredibly happy considering the angst he went through a couple months ago trying to decide between those two for Wrestler of the Year for 2003.
And that brings me to Kurt Angle. If the world title match wasn’t a surprise, the Triple Threat should have had a flashing neon sign on it saying “Angle goes over”. Even the marks figured out that Vince wouldn’t trust Cena (inexperience) or TBS (non-credibility) to be part of the co-main at WM. So Angle gets the duke because he’s proven himself and he’s credible to everyone. And we end up getting two pretty good matches out of it for WM. Angle/Eddy, as I said, should be godlike, and Cena’s style fits very well with TBS, who’s actually been getting a clue that he works for a living (when does his contract expire?). It’s only the obviousness of the situation that provides a negative, and combined with the obvious result of the world title match, weakens the efforts of all involved here.
The question is, I guess, was this necessary? Was it required that this be on PPV? Did the situation and the ramifications warrant a PPV rather than just some episodes of Smackdown? I don’t think so, and that’s why a lot of people didn’t buy it. The results were obvious to everyone prior to the event, and there wasn’t enough interest on how the results would be achieved.
The rest of the card didn’t help. Of all the matches on the card, the one with the probable greatest interest was Rey-Rey/Chavito. Unlike the complete unanimity in the Round Table over the results of the two big matches, there were some people who actually picked Rey-Rey to win. Hell, I don’t watch SD on a regular basis, and I even knew that Chavito would have to go over on the basis of the current push. There’s no excuse for that slip-up, guys. But the way he went over…what the hell is their problem? Are they scared of actually making Chavito look strong? Admittedly, he can pull off any act that they decide to stick on him. The guy’s a third-generation wrestler and a veteran, not to mention entirely professional. But he needs a break-out. He’s got to be able to stand on his own without the spectre of the rest of the Guerrero family. He’s got charisma in a goofy sort of way, good looks, has proven himself. What’s the goddamn problem here? A victory over Rey-Rey NOT involving Chavo Senior in any substantive way would have done wonders for the guy. Cheat To Win, not Have Your Father Cheat So You Can Win.
And does anyone else think that employing Chavo Senior is Vince’s way of trying to apologize to the Guerrero family for the Gobbledygooker? Well, if that was the case, they should have sent Mando to makeup. Damn, he’s not aging well.
As for the rest of the card, I really have nothing to say. Scotty and Rikishi holding the tag straps (and beating a woman to do it) is an abomination. Trying to get some heat for the Heatless Wonders by having them beat APA in a weak match is futile, to say the least. As for Noble/Nidia, let’s just avoid that like the plague.
Again, I must ask you: why does this PPV exist?
Anything else from anywhere that deserves my comment? No, unless you consider that Rikishi’s ass splash was the last we’re going to see of Linda Miles for the time being as a matter of importance. So let’s get on to the festivities of the show that wasn’t “honored” by a PPV on Sunday…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Booker T and Rob Van Dam over Ric Flair and Dave Batista, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Booker pins Flair, Van Dam Five-Star Frog Splash, New Tag Champions): I’ll forgive the Foley-ference and give credit to what was a very good match indeed. Even Batista was good in this one, but he, like Orton, tends to play to the level of the competition, so it’s no surprise. But what are we as a society to do now that Evolution no longer holds all the belts? I fear the worst.
Kane over Chris Jericho (Ref’s Decision): Mister Subtlety is no longer our friend, I see. From Jericho’s knee to Kane’s screaming-ninny promo after the match was called to the indoor rain miraculously isolated over Kane, this whole angle’s being painted in broad enough strokes to stripe a runway. Rain, big f*cking deal. Call me when it starts pouring blood. Then I may be interested.
Victoria and Trish Stratus over Molly Holly and Jazz (Pinfall, Victoria pins Holly, Widow’s Peak): Glad to see that this face turn is working. Now, what do you do about the women’s title situation at WM? The ladies have been involved mostly in tag matches recently, which gives no clear indication about whether or not it’ll be a one-on-one match. My guess right now is that it won’t. But what gimmick will they pull out for it? How about over-the-top-rope Battle Royal? That sounds like it’d be decent fun to watch, as long as Gail Kim doesn’t go over like last time they tried that. Or Jazz gets injured again.
Shawn Michaels over Chris Benoit (Pinfall, Sweet Chin Music): Fuck them. Fuck them for two big reasons. Reason One was the ending of this match. Clean ending, have Trip appear after. How simple would that have been? But, no, we’ve got to make Trip be the reason for Benoit’s defeat. Some will say that this helps protect Benoit. Those who say that would be wrong. The match demonstrated clearly how strong Benoit was (and how professional both he and Michaels are in the ring, and how damn great they both are, for that matter). Reason Two was the announcement afterward. Triple Threat?! Goddamnit, no. I told them to do a Three-Way Dance. I don’t give a rat’s ass that Triple Threat is WWE and Three-Way Dance is ECW. This is Wrestlemania. There should be no doubts as to the endings of title matches. Ah, f*ck them. I just started caring a lot less about WM.
The Joe In Me agrees:
You know, that was an AWESOME main event match, except for that stupid ending that made Benoit look like a complete moron. Benoit’s character wouldn’t even flinch if someone came down the ramp during his match. God himself could come out of the heavens and Benoit would tell him to wait until the match was over. Great match, shitty ending aside.
And a triple-threat match for the World Title? Way to make the 65 minutes Benoit spent in the Royal Rumble look cheaper than Tammy Sytch. Last time Benoit and Trip wrestled, they produced a ****1/2 match. Just let them go again.
Angle Developments:
Memo To The Guy In The Fourth Row: Yo, dumbass, do you realize that Hyatte posts his column on Sunday night/Monday morning, and that Raw is on on Monday evening? Putting up a “Hyatte Rules” sign is counterproductive if you want to get fawned over. If you’d brought an “Eric S Rules” sign, I would have been all over you like white on rice with praise and thanks. All you get from me for “Hyatte Rules” is a big “f*ck you”, Seymour.
The Lack Of Something Fills The Gap: So, anyone know what Jericho and Christian are doing for WM? Fighting each other, you say? Good guess, and it’s now the only logical conclusion to this angle. Damn, I hate that.
And The Theme Ingredient For Tonight Is “Punishment”: First Jericho takes a major beating, then Foley is pummeled within an inch of his life. The sadists must be really getting off on this episode. So are the masochists, because this show was painfully slow through the transition. It’s almost as if Kevin Dunn told Foley and Evolution to stretch because of lack of available programming. Well, they already threw the A-Level guys out there by front-loading the first hour, so, yeah, what’s left? One more thing: it finally hit me thanks to Orton’s bragging that Flair is older than Orton and Batista combined, and it’s not even close. It just points out how amazing Flair is. We’re never going to see anyone like him again, and I want to be able to appreciate what we’ve got.
Delayed Gratification: So, more than five years after it was made, Vince is finally going to accept Bisch’s challenge to a fight. Actually, this one’s going to be pretty fun to see how it’s booked. Bisch obviously will try to weasel his way out of it, then Vince starts kicking his ass without retaliation…so, does Bisch retaliate? If so, when? And if it happens, does Heyman do a run-in to help Bisch? As a member in good standing of the IWC, I think I’d actually pay to see Bisch and Heyman kick the shit out of Vince. It’d be the ultimate in kayfabe-breaking. If not that, then at least Vince and Bisch are doing it for a clear, cynical reason: to sell DVDs. And from what I’ve read, they need anything they can get to pimp this one. It’s pretty dire.
And hence I will close this puppy and hie myself out of the general vicinity until tomorrow over at Black. Stay tuned to see if Haley qualifies Orton’s nut shot on Foley as a hit on the Little Things.
About Eric Szulczewski
