As some of you know, I had my humble roots in the 411mania empire not here in comics, but over on the original 411Wrestling, writing a column called The Mean before Mania was even a glimmer in Widro’s eye (beneath the frosted tips of his boy band hair). Some of y’all might be wrestling fans, some might not be (hey, a tip of the hat back to my very first Watchtower, neat), but if you use the main site to access ours, you know that today is Wrestlemania XX, the twentieth anniversary of the biggest event in professional wrestling.
I wanted to do a column today somehow giving a nod to wrestling, while not straying too far away from comics because, well, none of you would read my column then. I was originally going to do an elaborate comparison between the comics and wrestling industries from the mid-90s to today (DC Comics is WCW, the corporate-backed giant with near unlimited funds that never makes any waves and has all the “old guard†…Marvel Comics is the WWF, the more unpredictable competitor that uses more risqué tactics to always win in the end…Dan Didio is Eric Bischoff, the guy who finally comes along and uses all that cash to try and unseat the other guy by buying the best people in the business…Image and/or CrossGen is ECW…etc.), but I figure I may still need to write a thesis someday.
So instead…good old fashioned “who’s the strongest†fanboy action AS YOU LIKE IT!!
Yep, it’s Wrestlemania weekend and I’m gonna do a vs. column, accept it.
Of course, right now in the comic book world, we’re in the midst of a dream grudge match we’ve all waited years for: Earth’s Mightiest against the World’s Greatest, the Avengers vs the JLA.
In honor of Wrestlemania, I’m taking the fourteen seminal Justice Leaguers and fourteen of the finest Avengers and pitting them against one another in a hypothetical steel cage. This isn’t about who’s more popular, who has been better written over the years, or who sells more comic books, this is one guy who could be labeled something of an expert on comic book lore (this guy) saying who he thinks would win were these characters plucked from the pages of fiction and dropped in the real world with a score to settle.
For the Justice League, who could I go with but the fourteen folks who make up the classic Silver Age “Satellite League†(excluding Elongated Man because…well…just because…sorry, Mike Hutchinson): Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, The Flash (Wally), Green Lantern (Kyle), Aquaman, The Martian Manhunter, Green Arrow (Ollie), The Atom, Hawkman (Carter, not Katar), Black Canary, Red Tornado, Zatanna & Firestorm
And when you think of Avengers, here’s a dozen plus two names that probably come to mind: Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, The Wasp, Yellowjacket, Hawkeye, The Scarlet Witch, Quicksilver, The Vision, She-Hulk, The Black Panther, Wonder Man, Warbird & Photon
Those are the teams, the battle lines have long since been drawn, so here we go until only one man or one team is standing.
Gentlemen…ladies…LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUUUMMMMBBBLLLLEEEE!!!
Round 1
Green Lantern vs Photon
We saw this briefly in JLA/Avengers #2 and both competitors held their own; Kyle took the initial advantage, but then the former Captain Marvel figured out how to absorb and redirect the emerald energy back at a surprised GL; in this matchup, that hasn’t taken place, so if Monica’s gonna use that trick here, she’s gotta figure it out from scratch. Though Photon does have the experience edge, Kyle has been around long enough at this point that it takes more than a fancy lightshow to impress him, and of course the most powerful weapon in the DCU on his finger gives him a good reason to be that way. The key is really what strategy Kyle employs: if he goes for the quick knockout punch, he should be set, but if he goes for the “imprison and pause to think†strategy GLs love to use, i.e. trap her in a bubble, he’s in trouble, because caging Photon gives her a chance to analyze the energy and use the powers she knows inside and out to counter. Psychologically, you’d think maybe Kyle would be inclined to take it easy on a girl, but given the context of the fight, I’d say Kyle goes for the quick win and gets it (Kyle is a known wrestling fan; I remember way back just after Zero Hour he was fighting an alien and used the Scorpion Deathlock; he knows better than to not go for broke on Wrestlemania weekend).
Winner: Green Lantern
Warbird vs Firestorm
This matchup is all about being able to strike from a distance (I remember somebody, going to have to look up who, on the panel of experts for Marvel vs DC in Wizard making a point about how people who could shoot stuff always beat anybody else, thusly why he picked Storm over Wonder Woman and Superman over The Hulk): Firestorm can, and unless Warbird somehow goes Binary, she can’t. Even if Carol does have her Binary powers, Firestorm can whip up some pretty heavy duty shielding out of thin air. Both can fly, so nothing doing there; the only thing Warbird has that Firestorm doesn’t is strength, which means squat if she can’t get close enough to use it, and Firestorm has more than enough tools in her arsenal to keep her at bay until he concocts a finishing maneuver. Flight and strength certainly might be enough to take out say a Tim Stevens, but control over the elements is tough to beat.
Winner: Firestorm
Zatanna vs The Scarlet Witch
In terms of just magic, I think Zatanna has the edge, in experience in pedigree, but again, versatility of powers and abilities comes into play, and in that case, I believe Scarlet Witch has the advantage. Wanda’s mutant hex ability augments her magic, but she can also use it as a weapon to throw off Z’s spells and their effectiveness. With Zatanna confused and disoriented, not to mention lacking confidence in really her only offensive weapon, Wanda can either zap her or pull in close and make it a physical contest, which she would win, having had slightly more combat training by the likes of Captain America.
Winner: The Scarlet Witch
The Black Panther vs Hawkman
As Batman put it recently in an issue of Superman/Batman: “Hawkman’s chief strength is his ability to fly.†Well duh; up until the last few years, most would have said “all Hawkman can do is fly,†but his treatment in the hands of Geoff Johns and others have refined him as also one of the better fighters in the DCU and a guy who knows how to use pretty much every weapon in history to deadly effect. On the other hand, Black Panther has been upped as a threat in recent years as well, able to hang with super-powered opponents just on the strength of his training and preparation; in other words, he’s Marvel’s Batman. I see this as being a particularly nasty affair between two guys who are warriors at heart and who are most comfortable when they can cut loose, but who are both constantly forced to play king or socialite to the point where the savage inside must be suffocating. If Panther wants to have any shot he needs to ground Hawkman quick, or else he’s vulnerable to hit and fly attacks or just being picked up and dropped; unfortunately, if he can ground Hawkman, he’s going to have to deal with a pretty pissed off Carter Hall and a big f’n mace. The key for Hawkman is not to lose his cool; he gets off the hook, Panther knows how to exploit sloppiness as well as anybody. I pick Hawkman in a close and brutal one.
Winner: Hawkman
Green Arrow vs Hawkeye
Of course the banter in this one would be the real highlight, moreso than the physical portion. Both have moved somewhat away from the trick arrows in recent years, but still have enough to bust out…however, given the machismo of both guys, I’d say they would probably drop the trick arrows very quickly and then drop arrows all together even quicker, each wanting to knock the smirk off the other’s face fist to fist. Bad move for Ollie, who probably would have had the tiniest of advantages in a shoot-out, but Clint’s been battle-trained by Captain America, his ex-wife Mockingbird and more; Ollie has probably learned a bit of martial arts from his son, but not nearly enough to take on Hawkeye.
Winner: Hawkeye
The Vision vs The Martian Manhunter
An interesting match that would probably be locked in a stalemate for awhile. Both guys can go intangible, so long distance striking attacks as well as strength is pretty much nullified. Both guys could also stay intangible for awhile too, so the fight might get a little boring as the two try to figure one another out. The big question: can J’onn use telepathy on The Vision or not? I say no, because while there are brainwaves in Vizh’s head, I gotta believe the mechanical route they take to the rest of him is complex enough that by the time J’onn figures out a way around it (if he does) Vizh takes advantage of the Manhunter’s momentary distraction and does his favorite “make my hand solid inside your chest†trick on a tangible Martian concentrating too hard on using his telepathy.
Winner: The Vision
Black Canary vs The Wasp
If Canary plays this one smart, she should have no problem, and given the amount of training and experience she has, there’s no reason to believe she won’t. Dinah’s just got to use her Canary cry once and the sonic backlash is going to be about hundred times more devastating to a tiny Wasp then a normal sized one (I’m going to assume for the sake of argument that she doesn’t turn really big, since only Chuck Austen, to the best of my knowledge, has ever had her do that). With that happening, Wasp gets close enough to use her stingers, she gets a headache, reverts to normal size, then gets a kung fu ass whooping.
Winner: Black Canary
Wonder Man vs Aquaman
Aquaman is strong and tough, but not as strong or as tough as Wonder Man, and he can’t fly, and I’m not nice enough to even things out by making the battle ground near water. Good night, sweet king of the seven seas.
Winner: Wonder Man
Red Tornado vs Iron Man
I’d say Reddy takes an early advantage, just because wind blasts pretty much catch you off guard and there’s no good defense, but they would also knock Shellhead back far enough that he’s got time to regroup, something you never want to do when you’re facing a genius level intellect in the world’s most lethal war machine. The Iron Man armor has enough toys and a big enough arsenal at its disposal that Iron Man will be able to protect him and strike back against anything Tornado throws at him then pay it back with interest.
Winner: Iron Man
Quicksilver vs The Flash
Both guys really don’t have much outside of their speed; I guess, once again, Pietro has the “I was trained by Captain America†thing going, but I don’t see the fight slowing down enough to become hand to hand, nor do I see Pietro being level-headed enough to try to do anything other than prove he’s faster; and he’s not (no Speed Force trickery in this fight; it’s there and Wally’s got it).
Winner: The Flash
The Atom vs Yellowjacket
Another close one. In this case, the DC guy (Atom) is probably a bit more combat-trained, having spent that time in the jungle using a sword and stuff in the 80s. So if it comes to hand-to-hand on a microscopic level, give the edge to Professor Palmer, but I doubt it will. Ray Palmer is slightly more analytical, especially in battle situations, than Hank Pym, but Pym has been around long enough at this point that he will probably guess Ray’s game pretty quick. The Atom’s chief offensive weapon is the old “shrink small enough to get in your inner ear†trick; YJ can match the shrinking and catch Atom off guard to combat that move, then either zap him or go giant size to squash him; if he turns big and Atom has the wherewithal to try again, Pym has the time it takes Atom to reach his inner ear to shrink again and then zap.
Winner: Yellowjacket
She-Hulk vs Wonder Woman
I don’t think this is as much of a mismatch as it may seem on paper; Shulkie is damn strong, probably even moreso than Wondy. However, though She-Hulk may again have “Captain America training,†that hardly equals Amazon battle training or instincts. Wonder Woman keeps her cool, avoids She-Hulk’s straight on attack, and then out-finesses her opponent.
Winner: Wonder Woman
Batman vs Captain America
Probably the most enjoyable match to watch and the one we got gypped out of in JLA/Avengers. Hand to hand, these two are pretty evenly matched. Some would say Batman wins easy because of his gadgets, but Cap has the battle savvy to out-maneuver most weapons, etc. This all comes down to the same reason Batman always seems to get the drop on Superman in Elseworlds stories: he’s smarter and he’s willing to play dirty. Batman will lull Cap into the type of back and forth that’s beautiful to watch (not unlike the tease from JLA/Avengers #2), giving him enough time to analyze, pull a quick diversion from the utility belt (Cap will counter it, but it will take valuable seconds away), then do something nasty like a low blow or rake of the eyes (in wrestling terms; in comic terms, it would be something much cooler).
Winner: Batman
Thor vs Superman
Ah yes, the battle that drove every Marvel fan who read JLA/Avengers #2 nuts, and though I have been accused of DC bias in the past, I tend to side with the Zombies here. Superman, in terms of pure strength, is probably the strongest guy in any comic book from any company, period, including Thor. If it was just a slugfest, Superman wins. But Thor’s got that tricky hammer, which he loves to use, and which just happens to be (say it with me now) magic; Superman no like magic. Every time Thor swings that hammer, and in a fight with a guy as tough as Superman that is a lot, Supes is gonna be hurting. Heat vision is no match for mystical lightning, and both guys can fly, so the hammer has it.
Winner: Thor
Well hey, how do you like that; seven a side and I didn’t even plan it.
Surviving for the JLA: Batman, Wonder Woman, The Flash, Green Lantern, Hawkman, Black Canary & Firestorm
Surviving for the Avengers: Thor, Iron Man, Yellowjacket, Hawkeye, The Scarlet Witch, The Vision & Wonder Man
Round 2
Firestorm vs The Scarlet Witch
Fun little matchup this one is. Witchie’s powers are enough to throw anybody into panic mode, and if Firestorm starts panicking, he’ll throw everything out there, including, perhaps, iron, which occasionally has a negative effect on magic. However, even if he does this (and that’s a big if), Wanda can still use her hex bolts to turn his iron shield to cotton candy and then go to town.
Winner: The Scarlet Witch
Yellowjacket vs Black Canary
See the Black Canary vs The Wasp match from round one, except add on the fact that Canary is going to have to cry a bit louder and maybe run/cartwheel around for a little bit if Pym grows instead of shrinks (but with a female opponent, you have to think his first impulse, double entendres aside, is to shrink, not to mention the psychological baggage Pym has against hitting girls).
Winner: Black Canary
The Flash vs The Vision
The Vision is going to have trouble making any of his tricks work against Wally. He tries the intangible hand thing, Wally can just vibrate to another wavelength and avoid it. Solar beams from the forehead, Wally can dodge at lightspeed. He can fly for a bit, but he has to come down eventually. Turning hard as a rock buys him a split second of defense, but it provides no offense still, and a split second means nothing to The Flash. Turning point comes when Vizh goes intangible and Wally vibrates to the right wavelength to still be able to hit him, then does so, like a thousand times.
Winner: The Flash
Iron Man vs Green Lantern
The ring may be the most powerful weapon in the universe, but the armor comes damn close to measuring up. Tony just has to duck and move for awhile, avoid Kyle’s offensive constructs, maybe fire off some heat-seekers and put up an energy shield to buy himself some time. He’s not going to get close enough nor is the armor strong enough that he’ll be able to take Kyle out with his armor-enhanced strength. However, a sonic barrage that can reach GL even inside a green bubble or force field should knock him woozy long enough to level him with a plasma cannon or something before he gets his bearing again.
Winner: Iron Man
Wonder Woman vs Wonder Man
It’s round one redux here for WW, as she faces another very strong opponent who she can out-maneuver with her battle savvy. Only difference here is maybe it goes aerial for a bit.
Winner: Wonder Woman
Thor vs Hawkman
You thought Hawkman vs Black Panther was brutal? Difference here is that flight won’t help Hawkman, as Thor can do the same, and has the added advantage of not having large, cumbersome wings (that also can be ripped off). I think Hawkman will go down swinging, and probably spill gallons of blood, both Thor’s and his own, but he will go down.
Winner: Thor
Batman vs Hawkeye
Well, Hawkeye was trained to fight by Captain America, but I didn’t think Cap could beat Batman. If Hawkeye tries to keep Batman at more than arm’s length with arrows, trick or otherwise, he’ll just dodge them. And we all know what Batman loves to do to smart alecks given his past with Guy Gardner.
Winner: Batman
The JLA goes one up on the Avengers, four to three.
Surviving for the JLA: Batman, Wonder Woman, The Flash & Black Canary
Surviving for the Avengers: Thor, Iron Man & The Scarlet Witch
Round 3
The Flash vs The Scarlet Witch
I really want to say Flash here, but I think the unpredictability of Wanda’s hex power once again is going to be tough to beat. She uses one of those hex spheres she used to use a lot more often in the old days, the minute Wally gets close enough to do the ol’ thousand punch flurry, he suddenly finds himself moving as slow as molasses. Though he’s been a super-hero for years and years, Wally has never really gotten much in the way of formal combat training; Wanda has enough that she can easily knock out a stunner Scarlet Speedster.
Winner: The Scarlet Witch
Thor vs Wonder Woman
Now this would be one for the ages. Thor is a brawler, Wonder Woman is a warrior, but at the same time, against an opponent as tough and resilient as the Thunder God, I think it wouldn’t be long before the Amazing Amazon reverts to scrapping as well. The lasso of Hestia might buy a bit of time for Wonder Woman, but it won’t stop Thor from throwing that nasty hammer, and though Mjolnir might not bite WW as hard as it did Superman, it’s hard enough. Again, flight is not a factor, but Thor still has weather control and the ever-helpful lightning to call on. Bottom line: it comes down to punch for punch, Thor pulls out another one.
Winner: Thor
Batman & Black Canary vs Iron Man
Lot of pressure on Canary here, as Batman will probably be smart enough to send her out to gauge Iron Man while he tries to figure out what to do next. Canary has to both hold Shellhead off from taking out Bats and hold him off long enough that the Dark Knight gets a chance to see what that armor can do. Unfortunately, Canary has a sonic attack Iron Man can probably counter after slight adjustment, and martial arts training that won’t make a dent. Even so, I think the Canary cry could potentially do enough damage that Iron Man has to recalibrate his armor…just enough time for Batman to think of something. What does he think of? I have no idea, but there’s a reason I’m not Batman.
Winner: Batman & Black Canary
So then, going into Round 4, we’re back to even sides
Surviving for the JLA: Batman & Black Canary
Surviving for the Avengers: Thor & The Scarlet Witch
Round 4
The Scarlet Witch vs Black Canary
I think the Canary cry may be a potent weapon to strike from afar and disorient Wanda enough for Dinah to get in close, where she has a clear cut fighting advantage, but I doubt she’s disoriented enough that she can’t at least throw up a last minute hex to take Canary down. It might be closer than one might think, just because Canary can strike from afar, but I still think the Witch takes it.
Winner: The Scarlet Witch
Batman vs Thor
Man…I know people say Batman can take on anybody with prep time, but…man, I don’t think so. Thor comes in without any hesitation, hammer flying, lightning striking…Bats don’t stand a chance.
Winner: Thor
Y’know, I was tempted to give Canary the win there just to bring it down to one on one (and who would ever think Black Canary would be the last Leaguer standing?)…but I just couldn’t short change the Scarlet Witch like that. Ironically, even though the JLA has the gods, it was their human element that made it the farthest…but not quite far enough.
The final winners, Thor, The Scarlet Witch and the Avengers.
Happy Wrestlemania weekend everybody!
