Hodgepodgeatorium: 5.21.04

I got home from work last week to find my roommate on the couch. Now my roommate is cool as hell, but she will watch anything that’s on the tube. So while I’m cooking myself dinner I’m also hearing snippets of the program. I finally realize that my roommate is watching “I Want A Famous Face.”

Now at this point I determine two things; 1) this is the stupidest show on television, and 2) The E! Network has sunk to a new low. I soon learn that my assumption was wrong. This vile show is on MTV, which makes it even more despicable.

I’m sure you are wondering “Mathan, what’s the difference between MTV and E?” Well lots of things.

E is more sensationalistic. It is very voyeur orientated and celebrity worship. After all E once had a show that centered around gossip (the Gossip Show, where Star Jones rose to fame.) It also has the “Celebrities Uncensored” show that features various celebrities’ encounters with their camera carrying stalkers. And who could forget that show that really brought E to the pop culture consciousness. “The E True Hollywood Story.” So, on a network that features such exploitative shows like that, “I Want A Famous Face” would fit right in. But the fact that MTV is running it is pretty disgusting.

Y’see MTV basically sells a lifestyle to kids. The current hit “Pimp My Ride” is a show about how everyday average folks’ cars get a makeover that turns their automobiles into something taken out of rappers song. “Cribs” gives viewers a glimpse into the stellar homes of various celebrities. And of course “The Real World” is about seven strangers who have to live together, in a plush environment with practically every amenity. MTV is very much is the business of saying “your life sucks, but here is how you can truly enjoy life.”

That is what’s so damaging about “I Want A Famous Face.” It’s sending a duel message. Besides the apparent network mandate of “Your Life Sucks, This Is The Only Way To Live” it is now sending the message of “Well, if you can’t have a home like a celebrity or a car like a celebrity than the at least you can look like one.”

At this point I should stress that MTV is for all intents and purposes, a kids network. As if I didn’t know this before it was made painfully clear when the Beastie Boys made a recent appearance on Direct Effects, and the teen audience had no clue who these three white guys with gray hair were or what they were doing on the set. It was painful to witness.

This is entirely the wrong message to be sending to kids. Everyone knows kids have low self-esteem. It’s a fact. What happens to a young adult greatly affects the rest of their life. Why don’t I ever wear short? Because of something that happened to me as a kid. Aren’t bullies and school shootings really the result of low self-esteem? Probably. And how come teen suicide is such a big deal or even an issue? Because of low self esteem.

This show seems to be sending kid’s the message that plastic surgery is an answer. Plastic surgery is not the answer to any question. Just look at Michael Jackson. A good shrink and a couple of prescriptions might have fixed whatever childhood trauma MJ suffered. However MJ decided to visit a different sort of MD, and as a result he is damn near a nose less albino.

If you need further examples of how detrimental plastic surgery is just flip on over to E during the award season and witness Joan Rivers on the red carpet. Man is she tight, and not in the hip “that movie was tight” sense either. Also take a gander at either Janet Jackson or Lil’ Kim. While they haven’t gone completely overboard they are just a couple of surgeries apiece from being on some doctor’s wall of shame.

So now a generation of kids will grow up thinking that plastic surgery is a fix all for what ails them. You may be thinking, “Mathan kids are smarter than you think.” Wrong. Kids are always and have always been stupid. Boomers fell for that “duck and cover” baloney. Folks growing up in the sixties really believed that racial harmony was an achievable goal. Kids in the seventies didn’t know Freddy Mercury was gay. Kids in the eighties didn’t know George Michael was gay. And young adults in the last decade can’t see the negative effects of downloading music illegally and believe that if you rap about how many times you’ve been shot equates with rhyme skills. So clearly kids are idiots.

Plastic surgery is already an incredibly popular fad. Since I live in Vegas, I’m completely immune to breast implants. But I’ve also seen quite a few tight faces and saggy wrinkly hands. Now I’m not saying that plastic surgery is wrong. If you are old enough to make an informed decision that you can live with for the rest of you life, then go for it. But I don’t think that kids should be taught that plastic surgery is an option for curing unhappiness or “completing oneself.” That’s reprehensible.

Speaking of reprehensible here are some shows that I think MTV should consider adding to its Fall line up.

I Wanna Stalk…

This show would feature would be stalkers, who are just trying dipping their toe in the field of celebrity stalking. They would be mentored by veteran stalkers who would teach them the fine points of stalking such as;

Proper garbage rummaging techniques.

How to write a rambling psychotic letter that still has a hint of romantic flair.

How much to bribe DMV worker for star info.

Star homes maps; worth the investiment?

How to get past gated community security.

It would be a truncated season (like that of The Real World) that would end with the confrontation between the stalker and the celebrity. Is it on the celebrities doorstep? Is it in the courtroom? Who lives and who dies? Find out this season on “I Wanna Stalk…”

Eating Disorders: The Key to Staying Thin

In the “health” obsessed culture in which we live in, there is a lot of emphasis on staying thin. And what says “thin” like an eating disorder? This series would focus on how eating disorders can keep you thin, just in time for bathing suit season. It would use various celebrities as examples in various episodes; “Don’t Over Due It” (Karen Carpenter), “Wrong Type of Disorder” (Kirstie Alley). Other episodes would focus on when having an eating disorder is absolutely necessary, like the week before prom or before your senior portrait. So tune in to watch “Eating Disorders: The Key to Staying Thin.” Trust me it’s worth the weight.

Kids Shooting Kids- The Series

This show would take my premise of Kids Shooting Kids, and give it the reality show treatment. MTV would film a documentary in a high school where guns were introduced, on an educational level, and see if the catastrophic effects of school shootings would be diminished if the kids could defend themselves.

So anyone at MTV, if you’re interested in using any of my ideas just drop me an email and we can discuss terms. Personally I would enjoy if you used the last one, since it would be good to see some Black on your network.