Warning: This column is rated TV-MA for Adult Situations, Sexual Situations, Nudity, Graphic Language, and Graphic Violence.
Hi Everybody! Welcome to a BONUS edition of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff! Today it’s all stuff, specifically Sopranos season five. I will revue the entire season episode for episode and analyze the major events of the season. I should tell you before we get started that this revue is a critique as opposed to a recap so this article has been written with the assumption that you’re a fan of the show and you’ve watched most if not all the episodes. If you haven’t watched the season finale or some of the episodes, just WATCH OUT! Hopefully, we can all use this show and this column to have a little fun, not spoil it. Let’s go to it!
BUT, FIRST!
You maybe are wondering, why? Why this bonus edition? Do I love this show so much? Somewhat, I actually hate the show too for several reasons, which you will soon find out. Basically, General Widro asked the troops if anyone would like to do a write up on the Sopranos and I gracefully volunteered for two reasons. 1) After watching The Sopranos all season long, I have too much of its nonsense trapped in my cortex that is just sitting around, waiting for me to do something with it. 2) It’s a cheap way to shill my column. But don’t tell Widro that, it will just be our little secret.
POST-SEASON IV HYPE
Season V, or the spirit of it anyway was born immediately after the finale of Season IV. It was considered by many to be television’s finest 90 minutes ever and won a bunch of awards and trophies. But James Gandolfini was in a contract dispute and there was no guarantee Season V would exist. Initially, talks were beginning to break down and all of a sudden two scenarios were being discussed both privately by the producers and publicly by the fans. The first idea was to go on without Tony Soprano and the second was to end the Sopranos altogether. The producers and HBO were leaning toward the first one while many fans (including myself) were leaning toward the second idea, just end it now. If that was the last episode, so be it. The union between Tony and Carmela finally imploded into a showdown of wills and the last scene were the sounds of Dean Martin on the shoreline. That would have been a perfect ending. Neither happy nor tragic, and a little wink. But alas, James and the powers that be came to an agreement and just like that, Season V was in the making.
PRE-SEASON V HYPE
The fans were asking two BIG questions as we waited quite impatiently for Season V.
A) Will Tony and Carmela get back together or get divorced? Both options were tricky and would take the entire season to answer as it would take alot to do either or. For them to get back together it would mean for both of them to swallow their pride as well as completely changing their personalities and habits. As for divorce, there was a little roadblock with their religion. From what I understand, according to their definition of religion, it’s OK to murder, cheat, lie, steal, commit adultery, and the wonderful combination of all five. But divorce because of irreconcilable differences, that’s grounds for ex-communication right there.
B) Who will get whacked? That’s right. The supposed most intelligent show on television made a bunch of grown mature adults run around in circles with their hands waving high screaming “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! I wonder who’s going to die this year!†Entire dinner conversation all fall and winter long was filled with this wonderful topic. There were five major candidates for this honor
1) Adriana because she had a new sitcom (yuck) coming out next year and stoyline wise, there was no way for her to get out of the pickle she jarred herself in.
2+3) Paulie and/or Christopher because the two ‘not very bright hotheads’ couldn’t seem to coexist . Many felt though that Paulie was the funniest guy on the show and Chris or Mike Imperioli was the best pure actor of the show, therefore killing either of them would be a bad production decision.
4) A.J. There was a strong rumor that he was going to get it this year because the powers that be were sick of his antics outside the set. Plus it could be the potential catalyst that would bring Tony and Carmela back together or finally separate them forever.
5) Tony B. because he would be played by Steve Buscemi and Steve Buscemi dies in everything.
EPISODE 53: TWO TONYS
After a year of withdrawal, fans finally got their fix. Sort of like heroin except heroin is a hundred times more intense. That aside, this was a great episode and even though I’m not a country/western fan (no kidding, Mr. NY Slayer), I was diggin’ that Mary Lou song. We also were introduced to all sorts of new characters, and whichever telewriter or copy editor made the suggestion to bring them on the show by releasing them all from prison deserves a pat on the back. Nice way to answer the ‘where have these guys been?’ question. As for who was playing these new guys: Steve Buscemi, Robert Loggia, and Frank Vincent. WOW! Give that casting agent an apple martini on me! As for the godfather, Carmine dies and goes to hell leaving a riff between his son, Tony, and my personal favorite sub-character Johnny Sacks. So that will be the overlapping storyline of the season: When all else fails, have an old-fashioned gang war. Plus we are reminded how psychotic these people are when Christopher and Paulie decide to put aside their differences by agreeing to kill a poor defenseless waiter. Tony then decides go back to Dr. Melfi, then makes a move on her, she rejects him, blah blah blah, You know what, I can’t keep up with those two anymore and I’m officially bored with that sub-plot. But as stated before, great season premiere. I think the biggest surprise was how much of a jerk AJ had became. Didn’t you just wanna smack that kid? But on the upside, my favorite scene of the ENTIRE SEASON was the one in which Adriana is ironing clothes in tight spandex. What a great piece of dramatic television! I watched it over and over again!
EPISODE 54: RAT PACK
In this episode we are introduced to the other two major plotlines of the story. The return of Tony B as he now wants to live the straight life as well as the FBI putting the clamps on Adriana, which results in having one of her many nervous breakdowns which would eventually take its toll on her mind and body. Nothing major going on here, Tony killed some guy we never heard of for being a rat.
EPISODE 55: WHERE’S JOHNNY
“He never had the makings of a varsity athlete.” HA! I loved this episode. Though there is that disturbing scene in which Phil puts a shakedown on the shakedown artist Lady Shylock, having her scream “I’ll suck your dick, I’ll suck your dick!â€, which results in him shooting a phone book. That aside, for long time fans such as myself, this episode was a gem. One of the great things about this show was the love/hate history between Tony and Junior. After Junior decides to tour the beautiful sights of Newark, Tony asks Junior the question we’ve all been asking since Junior first betrayed him in season one, “Don’t you love me?†Awwwwwww….
EPISODE 56: ALL HAPPY FAMILIES
Will be known as the “Feech leaves town episodeâ€. Too bad. I hope they keep him on the reserves for the final season, Robert Loggia just steals every scene he is in; not in just the Sopranos, but everything else as well. Truly one of the great character actors of the past 40 years. A few scenes from this episode will unfortunately be imbedded in our minds forever including AJ shaving his eyebrows and The Evil Trio killing off a naked Lady Shylock and her boy toy. Thanks, I’m sure we all appreciate that. And let’s not forget good old fashioned anti-Semitism. Hey, it seems to be popular these days so why not exploit it, right? Anyway, the first four episodes were sort of like a mini-season with certain plots and styles that differentiated from what would be coming.
EPISODE 57: IRREGULAR AROUND THE MARGINS
Chris vs. Tony. This is THE episode. It took a while, but we finally got that ‘classic’ and this was touted for awhile as the best one of the season. Is there any doubt Michael Imperioli also clinched an emmy nomination for this? But beyond trophies, he won the respect out of critics and the public alike. Also, Tony B won the fans over with this episode. He came through…for everybody. As for the fight, some stated what Christopher did was disrespectful, but come on! You just KNOW Tony and Adriana would have shacked up. Boy + Girl + 3:00AM + Cocaine = Sex. Also, this episode featured the best line of the year: “Everybody knows you been the biggest f*cking cooze hound around the last four or five years. Your mid-life crisis. You’d f*ck a catcher’s mitt.” I think we all know somebody we would love to say that too.
EPISODE 58: SENTIMENTAL EDUCATION
This episode will be historically known for three things. Carmela gets some action (finally!), Father Intintola is a jerk, and Tony B. turns out to be….a Soprano. Most people don’t like it when the show veers of Tony Soprano, but I found it entertaining none the less. Besides, I’m such a Buscemi hound, the more scenes he is in the better. How about that swerve. Everyone was rejoicing that there would be an actual redeeming character on the show, then we find out he’s a gambling addict with a violent temper. And didn’t you want to strangle Father Intintola? For those of you who didn’t watch the show in the early years, the priest had a crush on Carmela and she was very cool about the whole thing and let him off the hook easily. What does she get in return? A guilt trip stemming from jealousy and resentment.
EPISODE 59: IN CAMELOT
One of those shmorgesborg episodes. Tony meets his dad’s mistress and all sorts of stuff is crept up from there. If one is into Tony’s psyche, this was a good episode for you. But personally, all the Freudian psycho-analytic stuff gets on my nerves. What I did like was the AA relationship between Christopher and the guy from Wings. After a loan-sharking deal gone array that has Chris and The Guy From Doogie Howser beat up The Guy From Wings which results in the guy relapsing, Chris takes him too rehab and says “You can do this, man. I have faith in you.†That was priceless.
EPISODE 60: MARCO POLO
The turning point episode of the season in which Tony B does a hit for Carmine, Jr. and Tony and Carmela DO IT! And now all of a sudden, we find out Carmela’s dad is a jerk too by crying and whining that Tony Soprano won’t be at his birthday party. A real supportive father….This was also the point in the season where fans started to get down on the show. Basically, there were alot of things going on, but nothing seemed to be happening.
EPISODE 61: UNIDENTIFIED BLACK MALES
Ugh…an episode that centers around Meadow. Didn’t she have a play to do or something? I think the reason Meadow gets on everybody’s nerves is because she reminds us of somebody we all know: No one ever likes the spoiled Jersey girl. She’s like the type of girl your best friend ends up marrying, and you’re just shaking your head asking yourself “what is wrong with this guy?â€. There was also that scene where her boyfriend catches the captain having homosexual relations. It’s like pro wrestling. People got bored so they decided to get people talking by pushing their homophobic buttons. Classy job by everyone.
EPISODE 62: COLD CUTS
I understand not every episode will be amazing, and there has to be certain set up episodes, but four of them in a row! This is the episode in which the three ‘cousins’ go to Uncle Pat’s farm. Some funny moments and clever scripting but that’s about it. It’ll probably be more famous for Tony baiting his sister into going bezerk after her successful ‘treatment’. This episode also had some blatant racism to be thrown in the mix as well. Imagine if the writers of this show were introduced with a character that was a quarter Black, Jewish, Hispanic, and Italian. They would have a mental breakdown trying to think of the appropriate stereotype.
EPISODE 63: THE TEST DREAM
So after five weeks of ‘whatever’ we get this: The dream episode. Television is a horrible artistic medium to begin with, but on the bottom of this crappy barrel are dream episodes. No type of episode is worse then a dream episode. Now hey, I like cinephotographic post-modern surrealism along with the rest of them. David Lynch, Maya Dern, etc. But it has to be GOOD. This was not good. This was a bunch of TV people trying to be insightful, meaningful, contemplative, and failing every step of the way.
EPISODE 64: LONG TERM PARKING
So after six weeks of nothing happening, we get….one of the best episodes ever. Ok, that’s more like it. First of all, Tony dumps his freshly cooked girlfriend (whom I found attractive in that gypsy thingee she was wearing oddly enough) and gets back together with Carmela. She sure put the squeeze on him: For 400,000 dollars, you can have your marriage back. What a deal. And what can one say about poor Adriana? And everyone wanted her to live, she just had that naive sweetness about her. I understand some of the fans of this show wanted her to die because she betrayed the family and they vicariously live through Tony Soprano to fulfill their own fantasies and if you’re one of those people…I just can’t talk to you. But if you were of clearer mind, you were sort of hoping she would somehow find a way out of this mess alive. A spectrum of emotions in this one and just one great scene after another. Line of the night: “I’ll give you undignified. Go f*ck yourself. And Phil and whoever. He’s my f*cking cousin.”
Before I move on, there was a huge controversy in regards on how the FBI was portrayed as they looked like heartless morons. Listen, don’t get upset. It’s just a show. We all know the real FBI isn’t like that. Look at its history: In the 1940s they framed minorities, in the 50s they enforced McCarthyism, in the 60s they spied on their own people as well as help massacre several dissident groups, in the 70s they aided in illegal contracts with Latin American fruit companies, and in the 21st century, they refused to share terrorist information with the CIA and NSA because….they didn’t want to. Heartless morons….Nahhhhh. You know, I really hope there are people like Agent Cooper (Twin Peaks) and Asst. Director Skinner (X-Files) in the bureau….I really do…..
EPISODE 65: ALL DUE RESPECT
So after TWO weeks of waiting, we get the season finale. And it was……ok. Nothing fancy, nothing too exciting, and despite the rumors, it wasn’t the insane apocalyptic episode everybody was clamoring it to be. The guy from Doogie Howser gets a beatdown from The Evil Guy, Tony and Chris kiss and make up, Tony kills his cousin while sticking it to The Evil Guy as well, then Tony and Johnny kiss and make up. AJ finds his calling in event planning. One might have never heard of such an occupation but one of my best friends Donna does it for a living. So yes, the job does exist in real life. But Tony was right, historically it is not a job male heterosexuals usually engage in. But at least he’s doing something. Some good comebacks for longtime fans including Captain Lenny and the infamous pie-o-my painting. Who would of thought THAT would come pack to haunt him? Then the silly ending, in which Johnny Sacks and his entire operation is ratted out. So, that’s that. To be concluded in two and half years. If you were happy with the conclusion, good for you. If you were disappointed, who could blame you either.
EGG SYMBOLISM
No, I don’t know what the deal with the eggs are. They symbolize something bad because every time we see eggs, something terrible happens. As for myself, I like eggs.
IN CONCLUSION!
Well…Season V had it’s ups and downs…extremely. When it was good, it was never better. When it was bad, it was never worse. Also, there was a good chance your favorite non-soprano character didn’t do much this year. No Furio, not too much Paulie and Silvio, and very little Rosalie. Maybe in 2006. But after all the complaining, it’s still one of the better dramas on television. And that is just really pathetic. Personally, I’m sick of writing about a bunch of overpaid psychopaths and miscreants. That’s why I write about sports.
CHEAP PLUG!
Speaking of that, Slayer’s Sports and Stuff every week right here on 411 Black!
CHEAPER PLUG!
From what I understand, lots of people who visit this site are fans of that rasslin. Well, I’m going to Smackdown! this Tuesday, so in my next column you get a full live report!
THE CHEAPEST PLUG OF THEM ALL!
From what I understand, lots of people who visit this site are fans of that Star Wars stuff. Especially Boba Fett. Boba Fett is just sooooooooo cooooool. Well, in my next column, I will explain why I believe the galaxy’s most feared bounty hunter was an idiot.
That’s all folks! Have a great week!
