To Flea on his comments about the reason Smarty Jones lost I say f*ck him up his stupid ass. He’s right but still f*ck him. – Semi-Regular Christopher Arrington
I tell him that all the time, believe me.
In Memoriam (as suggested by Semi-Regular Corey Worrell): Marvin Heemeyer, who last Friday went batshit with a fortified, heavily-armed bulldozer. Now that’s the way to go out, with a little class and dignity.
And we’re at the close of the Nebraska Era for this column. Over the past four years, there have been a number of locations this column has originated from. Let me take you back for a small history lesson.
My first stint as a columnist over at The Late, Lamented Shooters began with the Ohio Era in February 2000. The Ohio Era was marked by the regular feature Eric’s Job Hunt, which chronicled my travels from Canton, Ohio to various and sundry, attempting to snag a job in the meat industry back during the Clinton Administration, when the economy was still good. I was doing as many as three interviews a week, and could have set up residence at Akron-Canton Airport. People liked it. It eventually led in September 2000 to a move to Kenosha, Wisconsin.
The Wisconsin Era still had me contributing to The Shooters as the regular Tuesday columnist, but I then expanded to a few other sites. The Smarks became a second home, as I became a feature columnist there. I eventually left The Shooters to join The Smarks full-time as their Tuesday news columnist and occasional feature piece contributor. It was in my debut column at The Smarks in late November of 2000 that I became one of the first Net columnists to actively go after the Bitch of the Baskervilles (the name came much later) for her lack of creativity. The Smarks almost went down permanently in the summer of 2001, which brought me to the attention of one Mistah J. Widro, prompted by one Mistah C. Hyatte. 411 offered me a position at that time, but I said no, since I liked it at TSm. Of course, that came to a crashing halt in October 2001 and l’affaire Babs. Widro reiterated the offer, and I came to 411, where I have stayed. The Wisconsin Era ended in April 2002.
Then came the Chicago Era, also known as the LASIK and Pill Era. 411 readers were introduced to my mental illness and the loss of my myopia and astigmatism. The eyesight’s still at 20/20, by the way, and the pills are different now, but the spirit’s still the same. However, the fact that I was jerked around at my job prompted me to attempt to stabilize my career. That led to the Exile In Mulletville between January 2003 and March 2003.
The Iowa Era lasted all of two columns before I regained my sanity and went back to Chicago. However, it was during this period that 411 Wrestling changed to 411mania, so for the sake of history, it has to be recorded.
The Chicago Era came to a definite end in October 2003 as I got the job here in Lincoln, Nebraska and moved. The Nebraska Era, I have to admit, was a dud. The job sucked, they screwed me over big-time on a promised raise, so I decided to screw them. I already had Plan B in place as I was doing this, however. In July 2003, while still looking, I’d taken the civil service exam to become a meat inspector again, this time for the US Department of Agriculture. I rejected their first open position in November 2003 because I hadn’t submitted my paperwork to go in at the higher pay scale and I wasn’t going to move to the f*cking Quad Cities area. In February 2004, they sent me another notice of an open position. This was at the higher pay scale, so I went forward. This leads to the present and to next week, when the Kansas Era begins with a Black column that I’ll somehow slap together.
Don’t worry about contributions from me, though. The Round Table’s already active, so I’m contributing to that. I’m going to be featured in Rutherford’s column today as a guest in his questions section. And I’ll hopefully be doing Black next week. So it’s not really a hiatus per se. You’ll still get your dose of Vitamin Eric while I’m busy readjusting my life.
As for how my day went yesterday, it was…interesting. I had an 8AM appointment with my shrink, so I woke up early, opened my e-mail, and found that a gentleman in the Highlands had a spyware problem. I got that all figured out and partially resolved, then got to the shrink at eight on the dot. Family emergency, he won’t be in. So I got a literal last-minute appointment for Thursday afternoon. I need to ask him about why I’m only sleeping four hours a night and if this is part of the habituation process for the Abilify that I’m on. So that was a sort-of waste. However, it put me close to where I buy cigs, so I picked up three cartons of the cheap ones that I like in order to make certain I have a supply. Then my route back took me past the U-Haul place, so I went in there and did a little pricing. I save two hundred bucks by towing the Damn Vaninator and doing a one-way trip when I move the last of my stuff in two weeks. I don’t like doing it, but I’m going to have to, so the U-Haul’s reserved. Then it was off to get the Damn Vaninator an oil change for the trips to and from Kansas that it’ll be doing. It’s happier now. Unfortunately, the waiting room at Jiffy Lube had a goddamn Benny Hinn revival playing on the TV instead of something constructive like SportsCenter. Yeesh. Their coffee there was waaaaaay too weak to handle that kind of stuff. Back home, and back on to the spyware problem, which gets settled soon enough (guy had a backdoor on his system that we easily got rid of). Then it was off to gas up the Damn Vaninator and get my wallet hoovered in the process, and then it starts raining. Off to Wal-Mart in the downpour, and suddenly I forget why I’m going to Wal-Mart. Fortunately, by the time I pull into Wal-Mart, I half-remember. I have good shopping discipline, so I walk out with what I went in there for: two new pillows and a new shower curtain for the new apartment, which I leave in the Damn Vaninator, plus some air fresheners to get rid of the stale cigarette smell that permeates the apartment (especially with the AC on and the windows closed). Then I indulge in a Frosty at Wendy’s, head home, and start this puppy. Not a Top Ten day by any stretch of the imagination.
On to the good stuff.
THE PIMP SECTION
As I said, I’m guesting in Rutherford‘s column today. So guess what gets lead pimp? However, he mentions beef, which means that I have to correct his analogies. “Filet Mignon” is defined legally as boneless beef tenderloin wrapped with bacon. What this has to do with Ginger Lynn is beyond me, especially the bacon part. “Prime” is a grade of beef, “ribeye” is a cut. Two different things, Scott; apples and oranges, buddy. Run these past me first, okay?
GRUT! is back and talking about wrestling. Life is good.
Gamble is such a wuss sometimes. Yeah, leave me exposed. Thanks for the backup, pal. But I’m glad that you got that shop of yours. You’ve gone via the “don’t dream it, be it” route, while I’m doing the “get back to where you once belonged” one.
Zlock debuts in the Wrestling zone, and his focus will be on tag teams. If things turn out like they’ve been in WWE and TNA, this is going to be a short series of columns.
I suspect that Campbell, David Variant submits late for the purpose of getting a solo pimp on Wednesdays rather than being grouped in with the other B show guys on Tuesdays.
Campbell, Mike Variant has more Jap shit for you to peruse.
Conley would know whether or not XPlosion is now officially TNA’s C show.
Hayhurst should have asked me the skinny on why certain Bugs Bunny cartoons were “pulled off of Cartoon Network a few years ago”. To detail, in late 2000, all rights to all classic Warner Brothers cartoons reverted to Time-Warner, which owns CN. So, Bouncing Betty Cohen decided to plan something special for the 2001 edition of June Bugs, which was still on CN at the time (it’s now on Boomerang, and was done last weekend; all available Bugs cartoons in alphabetical order): she had her publicity people state that, and I quote, “EVERY Bugs Bunny cartoon ever made would be broadcast”. Us cartoon smarks said, “Really? Every one? Including ‘Bugs Bunny Nips the Nips’? Including ‘All This And Rabbit Stew’, which has been banned from public exhibition by Warners since 1968?” Cohen said, “Yes. We said every one, we mean every one.” Alarm bells then went off in Noo Yawk, and they told Cohen, “Absolutely not. The racist ones don’t get broadcast, even with disclaimers.” Cohen was forced to back down. That’s the story.
Biscuiti, Matt Isomer does a column that cuts right to the chase. From someone who spends most of his time listening to 60s and 70s music these days, I also ask why we need new music.
Smilowitz doesn’t know what day it is anymore. And people think I have troubles with drugs.
Yeager has the skinny on the E3 Awards and why they suck.
Stevens continues the Comics zone’s love affair with Geoff Johns, while Sebert doesn’t.
Erhardt goes into educational mode to assist all of you in working out Identity Crisis.
AND HERE’S THE ANTI-SPYWARE PIMP
Remember, this all started because the slugs at Enigma Software dared to advertise their piece of shit SpyHunter here at 411. So I’m responding every single column with proper anti-spyware information.
Big, big Kudos to the guys at the Spyware Warrior Forum for pointing out to everyone the extent of criminal activity participated in by Enigma Software, makers of the bane of advertising on this site, SpyHunter. Slimeballs extraordinare, aren’t they? And in case you need more info about what flaming bags of shit they are, try here. Suzi’s Blog has a great list of other flaming bags of shit that promote anti-spyware programs that are spyware themselves. Consult it if you have questions.
One of the leading vectors for spyware is so-called free programs that contain this shit in order to “pay the bills”. No one deserves that kind of treatment. If you’ve got a question about whether or not a certain program contains spyware, head over here. It’s a nice alphabetized list of programs that do contain spyware and should be avoided at all costs.
Here’s a list of the programs you really need to help you get rid of menaces, and, more importantly, prevent them from occurring in the first place:
Spybot and AdAware. The ONLY two spyware removal tools to trust. Do NOT buy any spyware removal tools, because none of them work better than these two, and all of them except these two are suspect.
SpywareBlaster. Will nuke twelve hundred different potentially malicious ActiveX controls, and now has the ability to prevent a number of non-ActiveX methods of installing spyware for people who use Mozilla/Firefox.
SpywareGuard. From Javacool, like SpywareBlaster. It’s a real-time scanner for spyware. A decent first line of defense.
IE-SpyAd. Throws numerous ad-related URLs into IE’s Restricted Zone, where they won’t display or affect your system. Bookmark this one, since it’s the only one that doesn’t have an in-program update.
A few people have recommended also installing the Sun Java Virtual Machine, since it’s Windows’ buggy, half-assed implementation of the JVM that allows a lot of spyware to install (less so within the past month and a half than before). I’ve resisted putting it here because of a couple things: 1) The MS JVM was removed in XP SP1a due to the Sun court case and replaced with a Sun JVM, and I’m not sure how many people have actually patched. 2) The link above is an automatic download, and that does scare some people. Don’t worry, it’s perfectly safe. I wouldn’t have put it here if it wasn’t. But I STRONGLY recommend that you visit here and update your version of Java.
I’m going to add another program here. It’s a little tough to work with for noobs if it goes buggy (you need to know a little something about your Networking settings in order to debug if something should go wrong). Protowall is a supplement to your firewall or NAT system. It hooks directly into XP’s networking system to block any and all traffic that comes from URLs on a list maintained by the program (all protocols, not just TCP/UDP). It’s mainly designed for anti-P2P purposes (which will appeal to a great many of my readers), but it contains lists to block spyware and ads. Its blocklist can easily be updated using its supplementary program, Blocklist Manager. I have Protowall running and a Blocklist Manager icon on my desktop, and I use Blocklist Manager to update the blocklist every couple of days. You will have problems getting to some sites unless you shut down Protowall temporarily, like ESPN or Sports Illustrated, but it does have a tray icon you can right-click and shut down in a few seconds. It’s the third layer of anti-ad material for me, with IE-SpyAd and AdSubtract running alongside it. Warning, though: it only works with XP. I’d recommend its predecessor, Peer Guardian, for other MS OSes, but it isn’t being developed anymore, and there were still bugs in it when development stopped. You can get Protowall and the Blocklist Manager (which will also work with Peer Guardian) at Bluetack’s site.
Of course, only download them from the links provided above.
With AdAware and Spybot, check for updates using their internal update function at least once a week. Run them at least once a week or whenever you think you might have problems. Remember, the new version of Spybot has browser protection capabilities, so have that run at startup and leave it running. Check for updates to SpywareBlaster once a week. It only needs to be run once initially in order to establish protection. Then, after it downloads updates, just click on the line that says “Enable Protection For All Unprotected Items” (definitely run that one, since they just put in another database update in the last couple days) and kill it. It doesn’t need to be active. For IE-SpyAd, bookmark the site and check for updates twice a week, since it has no kind of internal updater. Run the Blocklist Manager every couple of days to make sure that you keep up on the latest banned URLs. Since all it does is add Registry entries, it doesn’t eat up anything.
If you’re having trouble with spyware or a browser hijacker, or think that you do, head over to the SpywareInfo Forums, where the pros there can help you diagnose and get rid of stuff. I was promoted to Full Helper status on Monday and ended up joining ASAP, the Alliance of Security Analysis Professionals. Look for this symbol:
and you can be sure you’re getting the help you need.
(By the way, if the graphic doesn’t work, I can’t explain it. It does on our HTML test page. According to John Rowat, someone’s running this column through a word processor (I use a plain text editor) prior to publishing, which munges the IMG tag. WIDRO!!!!)
YOU’RE A MORON: A LIFETIME ACHIEVMENT WINNER
Aw, poor Matt Ficke. He’s a right-wing tool who absolutely can’t stand what I said about poor old Ronnie Rotting. He’s been an occasional pest over a long period of time, but apparently he’s now reached an end. Here’s a bit of mail I got yesterday from him:
The world would be a better place if it was YOU instead of Mr. Reagan. I’m never coming to this site again. You are not worth the air you breathe. Widro/Ashish, you lost yourself a reader because of this insensitive jerkwad.
Aw, poor baby. Did I rock your world? I could have done it more than I did. Alan Haigh (among many others, but he was first) reminded me that I forgot about mentioning Bitburg and laying a wreath at the graves of SS soldiers. Sorry, I was listening to a certain number from The Wizard of Oz soundtrack instead of the Ramones like I should have been.
As I said, though, Matty-poo has a history. Fortunately, I keep my e-mail, and came across some tidbits from him in the past. Here’s one from April 18th, 2002:
You sir, are by far the most boring wrestling news writer out there. A possible reason I have found to explain this phenomenon would be the fact that you talk about wrestling approximately 10% of the time and the rest is filled with leftist drivel. If I wanted to hear views on politics I would go to a politics site. If I wanted to hear views on sports I would go to a sports site. Please keep your pathetic politics out of the *wrestling* column. Actually just tell Widro to put GRUT~! on everyday, at least he is entertaining.
In addition to the fact that he “doesn’t get it”, he also sets a pattern that led to the mail from yesterday, namely the “leftist drivel” line. Dittohead? Probably. Idiot? Definitely. He signed this letter “Rafiki”. Insults to The Lion King will not be tolerated.
Here’s how much of an idiot he is (as if believing that Grutman’s entertaining doesn’t cinch it…oops, he’s back now, so I shouldn’t say things like that). This is the complete text of a letter he sent me on August 22nd, 2003:
me no like u
u am bad bad bad person
Oh, yeah, I’m supposed to respect his views with mail like this.
He’s also a bit of a hypocrite, or he just changed his mind, because in this letter from February 19th of this year, he apparently abandoned the “boring” part (and if I was so boring, why read me for two years?):
Dude, I hate your views, but you’re a smart guy. Too bad your brain is wasted in meat-packing, you sound like a college professor.
On September 4th, 2003, he gave my mother a 70th birthday gift…well, not really, he sent a letter to me, but I found the date a nice coincidence and decided to mention it. I’m not going to reprint it here, but it was a long, long diatribe triggered by the fact that the state of Florida allowed a Muslim woman to wear a burka for a drivers’ license photo. He went into a whole “we’re a Christian nation” diatribe…okay, I’ll reprint that section:
“In God We Trust” is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture. If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don’t like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don’t care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about our flag, our pledge, our national motto, or our way of life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great American freedom, THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.
He makes Monroe look tolerant, doesn’t he? Just so you know the type of moron we’re dealing with here.
But the best was yet to come. Recently, on May 27th, in fact, Matty decided to ask me a question:
What’s a Junta?
That was the entire mail, by the way.
Now, an intelligent person would look up the word in a f*cking dictionary, right? That way, they could see what the word means and in what context I use it in. Not Mattykins. He has to e-mail me and ask me what it means. So I do him a favor. I look it up for him and give him those dictionary definitions that he’s so desperate to know:
From dictionary.com:
1) A group of military officers ruling a country after seizing power. 2) A council or small legislative body in a government, especially in Central or South America.
From Princeton WordNet:
A clique that seeks power usually through intrigue [syn: cabal, faction, junto, camarilla].
I believe you can understand the context that I use the word in when I apply it to the current government of the US.
EJS
That would be enough for some people, but, no, not our Matt. He has to respond to that:
I don’t understand people like you. So much hatred for your own president. If he got assassinated would you cheer?
And stupid me, I decided to respond to this as well, with the truth.
> I don’t understand people like you. So much hatred for your own president.
My president is Al Gore, the actual winner of the 2000 election. The United States has had an illegal, illegitimate government since January 20th, 2001. Period.
>If he got assassinated would you cheer?
I’m surprised it hasn’t happened yet. Not because of politics, but because of the Rule of 20. If a president is elected (or in this case, illegally appointed by the Supreme Court) in a year divisible by 20, that president will either die in office or be the victim of an assassination attempt. It’s held true for every year since 1840.*
But to answer your question, honestly, yes, I would. Sic semper tyrannis.
EJS
And he, of course, has the answer to that one:
That is dispicable.
So not only has he disrespected The Lion King, he’s now dissing Daffy Duck by spelling the f*cking word wrong. Well, we already know that he can’t use a dictionary.
So, oogums, I’m glad you’re not going to visit this site anymore. This way, I don’t have to get any more of your shit e-mails. Just leave and never come back.
* – Semi-Regular Barry Petchesky asks me a question in this vein:
Since Reagan violated the 20 year rule by not impressing Jodie Foster, does that mean it’s his fault Bush is alive, well, and running for another term?
Partially, yes, but the Rule of 20 has had to be modified to account for Reagan’s unfortunate survival. Note that I said “victim of an assassination attempt”. This covers Reagan, who was the victim of an assassination attempt but survive. It also helps James Garfield, who accomplishes the unique achievment of being the victim of an assassination attempt and dying in office from something other than the assassination. He died of the secondary infections caused by the slobbola doctors attempting to remove the bullet from him (he would have recovered nicely had they not done so). And don’t say that the doctors didn’t know about microorganisms and such. Pasteur had been publishing material about Germ Theory for a decade prior, and came out with his treatise on applications in surgery two years prior to Garfield’s death.
G-8 WHIZ
The G-8 Conference is starting to crank up today on Sea Island. So what are they going to talk about? Considering the venue, I’d stick to golf. There’s some great courses on Sea Island, and Augusta is only a couple of hours away. Shit, put Dubbaya, Chirac, Schroeder, and Putin through Amen Corner, and they’ll settle any kind of difference. It’s that kind of place.
Unfortunately, the subject’s going to be Iraq. The conference was able to start on a good note thanks to the UN (see the next section), and everyone’s in spasms of praise over that. Of course, the protesters were out in force as well, but…
…look, I’m not going to bullshit anyone on this. Nothing’s happened yet. I’m writing this at five in the morning on Wednesday. It’s just that if I don’t mention the G-8, someone’s going to write in and bitch that I didn’t. So I did. Live with it. SCORE ONE FOR DIPLOMACY
The Junta and the right-wing are undoubtedly going to spin yesterday’s UN Security Council resolution as some kind of post-hoc justification for the invasion of Iraq, and it isn’t. It’s an acceptance of a fait accompli, and a triumph of smoothing some very troubled waters. Essentially, what it does is set the timetable that the Junta proposed months ago: interim government comes in at the end of next month, stays for a year and a half, permanent government in place by New Years’ 2006. There were enough compromises and flexibility in the resolution to prevent either France or Russia from using its veto to bury it.
What I like about the agreement is that the interim government can go tell the “multinational” force to go pound salt and get the hell out at any time. Of course, they won’t do it. There’s going to be armed opposition the entire way to the deadline for the permanent government (and rarely has that word been more apt than in this situation). Of course, the way the “multinational” force is going, it’s going to boil down to the US and Britain anyway. A lot of countries are getting out at the end of the month regardless, and not coming back.
That little fact is probably what led to the part that I’m surprised the Junta got away with. They refused to place US forces under any kind of UN command structure. Now this is one thing that’s always freaked out the right wing, the concept of “letting go” of our forces. In this case, why should it be a problem? The UN is giving Dubbaya what he wants, right? Thus, the UN and the Junta are working toward the same goal, and orders given to troops wouldn’t differ in any significant large-scale way. So why the hell not do it? Throw the UN a bone in this one situation. Other countries seem to have no problem with this concept. Why the US? Here’s a suggestion: handle it like a drug dealer would. First one’s free, then if you want it the next time, you can start paying for it, or in this case, start forgiving us for some of the back dues we owe.
The Shi’ites aren’t taking this very well. They’re a little bit pissed that the Kurds are being given “ethnic minority” protection under the interim government. Oh, come on, guys. You understand the situation. The Kurds are our allies. We established the whole no-fly-zone thing for them (there’s something for you right-wingers to admit was good about Clinton; he inherited the zone, but he expanded it and enforced it with an iron fist). We’re the ones with the greater number of weapons. Therefore, we get what we want. If you want to erode civil rights, just wait until the provisional government comes in and start doing it from the inside, like John Ashcroft.
As long as the UN mandate is being followed, I will accept the provisional and permanent Iraqi governments as being legitimate. But I’m not going to forget the fact that the legitimate government was put in place by an external force for reasons that were blatantly false. And you shouldn’t either. Remember that fact every time a body comes back.
Alan Mills anticipated me talking about this subject, and asks a question:
I’m just wondering on your thoughts regarding the elections they will eventually have in Iraq. Bush may still be in power at that time and I’m thinking of what his reaction would be if the elections were held and they voted in a president/parliament that were predominantly anti-American. Given how much they hate the USA it wouldn’t surprise me at all.
If Dubbaya is in power, I wouldn’t be surprised to see the provisional government declare a “state of emergency” or some such cover to prevent that government from taking power. However, what might happen in this case is that the provisional government could use that power I mentioned above and order all foreign troops out, and Dubbaya would acquiesce. If he tries something after an election takes place, that totally blows his “will of the people” stand and jeopardizes anyone who runs in 2008, especially if it’s Jeb. However, since he won’t be in office, I wouldn’t worry about it.
AND THESE ARE THE TYPE OF PEOPLE WHO REFUSED TO GIVE UP MILITARY CONTROL
I’m going to go with Suzanne Goldberg’s story in the Grauniad, since I refuse to register for any kind of online newspaper (and thus avoid getting smeared by the righties who patrol this column’s media sources like a hawk with having something from the NYT or the Washington Post). The Guardian, in case you don’t follow the British newspapers, is legitimate, centrist, fair, and, best of all for my purposes, British, so no charges about liberal media bias can be made. Let’s go, Suzanne:
The Bush administration routinely bypassed or overruled Pentagon experts on international law and the Geneva convention to construct a sweeping legal justification for harsh tactics in the war on terror, the Guardian has learnt.
In one instance, President George Bush’s military order of November 13 2001, which denies prisoner-of-war status to captives from Afghanistan and allows their detention without charge or access to a lawyer at Guantanamo, was issued without any consultations with Pentagon lawyers, a former Pentagon official said.
The revelation follows reports in the US press this week of a Pentagon memo that argued that Mr Bush was not bound by laws against torture, and that interrogators who torture detainees at Guantánamo cannot be prosecuted.
The military order issued by Mr Bush in November 2001 was the first such directive since the second world war, and the administration’s failure to seek the Pentagon’s advice on what would emerge as the entire system of detention at Guantánamo surprised Pentagon officials.
In other words, the whole “we consulted our lawyers about the Geneva Convention ramifications” line that the Junta was putting out was yet another lie. What a big surprise, huh?
Meanwhile, the Bush administration fought off allegations that it had manipulated the law to justify torture of detainees at Guantánamo, with the attorney general, John Ashcroft, pressed repeatedly at Senate committee hearings yesterday to say whether Mr Bush had ever intervened on the treatment of detainees.
Mr Ashcroft would not answer, saying only: “This administration rejects torture.”
Then why is it about one step from being authorized by the Patriot Act? Of course, that step happens to be the Constitution, which Ashcroft has had no problem with neutering in the past.
However, the Wall Street Journal and other newspapers this week obtained copies of a Pentagon report which concluded that some methods of torture were legal, including sleep deprivation and so-called stress positions. The April 2003 report said Mr Bush had the constitutional power to authorise torture – which is against US law – if American lives were in danger.
Mr Ashcroft denied the president had issued an order giving interrogators immunity from prosecution. “The president has issued no such order,” he said, but he was adamant that he would not release documents on the issue.
Wanna bet that if this goes any further, he comes up with some kind of pre-dated memo? The WSJ memo, by the way, was the same one that was alluded to when the first news of Abu Ghraib came out. Now they’ve got the proof on paper. Kerry had BETTER go after this during the debates. Slam them hard on the point that the US government came right out and gave a green light to authorizing barbaric behavior in the name of “self-defense”. Now that the US public is seeing through the Patriot Act and all that legislation that was passed in the post-September 11th orgy of giving up liberties in the name of safety, that will resonate.
The debate on the Pentagon memo is unwelcome for the Bush administration, which had hoped it had put the scandal about prisoner abuse to rest.
However, Senator Edward Kennedy said yesterday that the Pentagon memo and other such rulings laid the legal foundations for the abuse. “We know when we have these kinds of orders what happens: we get the stress test, we get the use of dogs, we get the forced nakedness that we’ve all seen and we get the hooding,” Mr Kennedy said, holding up pictures from Abu Ghraib prison.
Uh, oh, this causes me problems. Teddy’s involved. You don’t know how difficult it is to debate with the other side when Ted Kennedy’s on yours. The right doesn’t have a comparative figure of legendary ludicrousness at this moment in the Senate. I mean, I can yap about what a yahoo James Inhofe is or what a retarded prick Chuck Hagel is (but I’m biased against Hagel because my loathesome ex-boss is an acquaintance of his)*, but it doesn’t have the resonance of going after Teddy. All you need is one little word against him, “Chappaquiddick”, and the argument’s over. Look, guys, he’s off the booze, in a happy marriage, and is settling into fat Irish old age quite nicely. Give it a rest.
Mr Ashcroft replied: “Let me completely reject the notion that anything that this president has done or the Justice Department has done has directly resulted in the kind of atrocity which were cited. That is false.”
Who said the Justice Department did anything, Attorney General Bormann? What are you so guilty about?
The Pentagon memo was familiar to the former official who said military and civilian lawyers tried to “push back” some of the more extreme interrogation methods.
He and another senior Pentagon official described frequent clashes of opinion since the 9/11 terror attacks, with career military lawyers disturbed by the efforts of political appointees to grant sweeping powers to the administration.
Of course, the biggest and most important of those political appointees was on the stand yesterday, and we all know what he’s done since September 11th. Maybe we do have a figure of legendary ludicrousness to combat the image of Teddy after all. But the problem is that it’s always Attorneys General. First Ed Meese, now Ashcroft.
* – I can’t go after my soon-to-be senators because Sam Brownback is a reasonable man, and I actually had to look up the fact that Pat Roberts is the other senator from Kansas…man, why couldn’t this have happened ten years ago? I could have slammed the hell out of Bob Dole and Nancy Kassebaum on a weekly basis. Frankly, it’s a bit depressing to see how far Kansas has descended on the political scale. From the Doles and the Landon family to this…hell, Liddy’s in the Senate, but it ain’t from Kansas. Thank God that Governor Sebelius is a total babe in the “Hot For Teacher” mode, despite her resemblance to Linda McMahon.
WARNING: SOCCER CONTENT IN THIS SECTION
I’m going to turn this section over to fellow Arsenal fan Colin Pigeau, who’s going to break down Euro 2004, which starts this weekend:
Forgive me for being presumptuous, but the Euro, the best international tournament is starting this coming weekend. If you’re hurting for material, tell me what you think.
Well, I’m not hurting for material, but I definitely want to talk about the Euro. However, “best”? There’s this thing called the World Cup.
A Expect Spain and Portugal to go on from this group; although Greece is has been playing amazing through the qualifiers. A dark horse shot. Russia has a lot to prove, but they’re not going anywhere.
No doubt here. Spain is much too strong, and Portugal is stacked with young players with loads of caps.
B France and Ing-er-lund advance. France is the most terrifying team in the world, although they lose a lot of creativity and vision when Zizou isn’t on the pitch. England has a strong midfield that’ll see them through. Owen and Rooney are too alike to have a great partnership up front, and Rooney’s overrated anyway. Croatia and Switzerland are gone.
I’ve always felt Zidane is overrated and living off of France ’98, but I have no arguments with you here either. C Tough to call, but I think Italy and Sweden are through. Denmark are tough to call, as they have some class, but I don’t think Bulgaria is going anywhere.
I’d go with Italy and Denmark. The Swedes are ripe for a fall, but it’s going to be close during the round-robin. It all depends how badly Italy beats both their asses. D Czech Rep. and Holland advance. Germany is always a presence in later rounds, but they always beat minnows to get there; only Latvia qualifies here. Germany just doesn’t have the talent they used to. The Czechs are playing quite well, and they Dutch have much to prove after not qualifying for World Cup 02 and losing their last couple friendlies.
Do you know how hard is it for me to go against Germany? In fact, I won’t. It’ll be the Czechs and Germans. The days of Total Football and Ruud Gullit are over, and the Dutch have yet to realize this. They’ve been playing like crap recently for a reason. The reason is because they’re an inferior team. They can’t go out there and live and die with Bergkamp.
Quarters Spain over England (1A v 2B). Good game that could go either way, but with such a Valencia contingent, Spain are tough to beat. And Morientes is in-form. England’s back four are injured or out of position, and Spain have class on the right to hurt England’s weak left.
Agreed totally.
France over Portugal (1B v 2A). Portugal has talent and home advantage, but they’re hot-headed and the French will be clinical. Can’t stop the Arsenal 3: Henry & Pires to provide the “O”, Vieira to put a stop to Portuguese attack.
Agreed again, but we both have a big case of Thierry Henry LUV that may be blinding us. Portugal has lots of speed which the French might not be able to overcome, and that home pitch advantage will be tough to overcome.
Holland over Italy (2D v 1C). Italy’s back four isn’t the same without Maldini, and it’s a conservative striking choice. Totti’s on, but Del Piero has been too injured to be truly effective. Primadonnas and cry-babies aside, the Dutch will have found an answer to the Kluivert/van Nistelrooy conundrum.
Now in this one, I have Italy over Germany. Despite the injuries, the Italians are still stacked. They find ways to win that most teams don’t recognize.
Czech Rep over Sweden (1D v 2C). Nedved, Rosicky, Koller (if he’s healthy), Baros. The Czechs have a great team. Sweden’s decent, but watch out for Ljungberg and Larsson.
This would be the Czech Republic over Denmark on my card for the same reasons you note.
Semis Spain over Holland. Spain’s unity win this one. Holland (historically, the team I support) are a bunch of self-serving me me me players, and it will hurt them.
Spain over anyone here, in this case Italy. As you said, the Italians are too injured. Getting to the quarters will be an accomplishment for them. France over Czechs. As much as I’d like to see the Czechs win it all, France is just too strong. They haven’t allowed a goal in almost a year!
And they have the Gunners Three.
Finals France over Spain. I’d like to see Spain hoist it as well, but as good as Raul is, he’s no Henry. Albelda is no Vieira. Baraja is no Zidane. I have yet to see someone come off the left and score from the corner of the box like Pires, and the back is solid. I just hope they’re playing Coupet, and not that trash Barthez.
Fabian Barthez may be the world’s most overrated goalie. Why? He plays for ManU. Enough said. France won’t go through the tournament without surrendering a goal, but the finals will be a blank. I’ll say 2-nil.
Let the games begin.
MAILBAG!
The letters about the whole Reagan encomium ran about 60/40 in favor, in case you were curious. Maybe that’s because, as Ralph Snart said,
Actually you were nicer to Reagan than I expected. You must be saving all the true bile for Dubya’s funeral.
His dad’s, actually. In fact, it was disappointing to some people, like the Ravin’ Cajun:
That was it?
That was your “tribute” to Reagan? Damn, I was expecting more than that man. Hell, I’m a GOPer and even I was looking forward to this one. I just hope we see more tomorrow in 411Black.
Well, you are now. Let’s face it, it’s tough to summarize a concept like complete and total evil in mere words. The person who should really try his hand at Reagan bashing is Thomas Harris. He’d be able to do it the justice it deserves.
It did get a little personal with some people, like the ever-godlike Smitty:
This is one of the main reasons why I shy far away from the democratic party. Sometimes bro, you can be a sad little puff of a man.
Smitty, you like me because I’m a liberal with balls who’s passionate about my beliefs. This was something I strongly believed in, and you have to admit that I did give out a warning a year ago that I would do something like this when the time came.
Torrione Johnson has a point of bashing:
Quick question, wasn’t it during the Reagan Administration that crack cocaine was introduced to the black community?
Yes, that’s true. But I wouldn’t blame the Reagan “administration” for that. I’d blame the illegal drug industry. After all, smack and speedballs were killing their customers at too high a rate, so they needed something safer to push that was as addictive. Crack was a solution to a problem. Unfortunately, for a lot of urban areas, it’s been more like the “final solution”. Devastating.
A lot of people went into personal reminiscences, both pro and con. Paul Vlosich, for instance:
I may’ve not lived through his reign but I do know that when I copied my Republican friend’s praises of him to my Dad, I got shouted out. I found out..that if it weren’t for Reagan, my family would be pushing close to six figures, because Dad would still have his coal mining job.
With that, I became anti-conservative. Hell, I even led a debate against Reagan’s claim of winning the war. I’m sure the prof enjoyed my tongue-in-cheek potshots at the arrogance of Reagan’s Reich.
The destruction of unions under Reagan is something that Flea and I have discussed regularly. He knows where I’m coming from on this, and understands my position, as I understand his (he’s against unions, in part because of recent circumstances that I’m not obliged to reveal). I grew up in a union household, and I was a union activist when I was a state inspector. One of the reasons I got out of the job here (other than the money, which was the primary reason) was because the workers were trying to unionize, and the ultra-conservative Republican owner wanted us to take as active a role as possible in preventing it. I couldn’t do it, and wouldn’t do it.
Some people are able to take a more distanced view. Regular Timothy Byrne, a good Aussie, is against the whole deification thing:
My number one hatred of the orgy over Reagan comes from the sophistry of claiming that he was the US’s most popular president at the time of the conclusion of his presidency when this was surpassed shortly after by Clinton.
Well, actually, he was surpassed by Bush Senior during the Gulf War. I remember those 90% approval ratings, and felt good that I was in the 10%.
A selection of other comments:
Best..In Memoriam…ever!!!! – SWMEnigma
I normally don’t like Comic Book Guy references, but I’ll throw this in because some people do. And Fat Tony is perfectly acceptable as a commentator if he doesn’t have someone like Bisch screaming in his ear. Back in his NWA and WWF tenures, he was damn good, and he’d bring a refreshing aspect to Raw that it doesn’t have right now. That’s why I’ve been pimping bringing him in and hated when Bisch teased it and didn’t come through.
Thank you! Thank you! I have been sickened every single day of this damn weekend and monday by the absolutely nauseating pictures coming at me from my news. He was a failure as a president and even my father, a true-blood Democrat, is jumping on the bandwagon. He was (1) corrupt, (2) evil, and (3) only good for one thing: corporations. I hated him and hope that he is happy down there in hell due to all the grief and misery he caused. But, this only happens once every few years, so may he r.i.p. – Patrick
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I was getting so f*cking sick of all the Reagan Love going around, and that was such a relief. Unfortunately, now that he’s rotting, I cant use the “He’s Not Dead” reason when talking with people who want to name everything after him and put him on the f*cking dime. Not that there aren’t a vast amount of better reasons, but the kind of people who support that stuff dont really listen to them. Anyways, thanks again for the breath of fresh air, and great column as always. – Niko Cahillane
Thanks for having the guts to do what few would, to skewer the bloated corpse. I can already hear people say “win one for the gipper”. Unfortunately, the old man still has a good sense of timing, even in death, as he comes right in time to hide Iraq and make that “shining city” seem brighter to all these Gen Y and Baby Boomer creeps who think Fox is a news network. I think John Kerry is undoubtedly the better man, and I also think he was the better man among his Democratic rivals (if the hipsters think Kerry is dull, imagine Wesley Clark), but the Democrats need to quit fighting and RALLY, and Rally HARD, because the evolutionary throwbacks will be in force. – Semi-Regular Scott Granell
Bravo, my friend, on you ACCURATE view of Ronald Raygun…He was a bad actor who played the part of president badly, and we are still paying the price today. And to think Dan Rather was asking a historian about Reagan’s place is Presidents, hinting that he may be 3rd after Washington and Lincoln. My ass. He’s 2nd to last, only to W. – Ammoniac2
And best of all, from Raw Regular Derrek Croney:
It may or may not have been the most satisfying Memoriam, but it damn sure has been the most entertaining one you’ve written in the 2 years I’ve been reading. I have a good mind to post that Memoriam on several politcal message board I troll on and see how much run it gets.
It’s good to know that every time my moderate Democratic side wishes to flirt with the “other side”, I have you to keep me reigned in.
God bless you, Eric! God bless you.
I’m sure that if God exists, I am blessed.
Of course, in the interest of fairness, here are some negative comments:
How dare you say something like that about one of our best presidents, when he isn’t even in the ground yet no less. I’m a conservative and I wouldn’t even say that about flip-flopping John Kerry or the personified fart that is Michael Moore. – Kevin Allan
Best president for whom? Not for me, and not for a lot of people.
It’s been 16 years. If things had been so bad, why did he win by such a landslide in ’84? In 30 years I’ll be sure to send my “respectful” statements about Clinton, starting with how he dismantled our National Security so badly that we weren’t prepared for a random act of terrorism that ended up costing over 3,000 Americans their lives. And that’s just for starters. – Richard Teasdale
What the hell? Please tell me how September 11th could have been prevented by anyone. Blaming Clinton for it is the ultimate in conservative sophistry. And Reagan won in ’84 because the economy had recovered from the recession and because there was a gigantic orgy of national pride going on, exemplified by the LA Olympics.
By the way, you’ll have every right to give your obsequies for Clinton when his time comes, as will I. And I’ll mention the blowjob and the pussy-whipping, but I sure as hell won’t blame him for September 11th.
That little column gets a big FU.
Understand?
You are pathetic.
I can talk shit without backing it up as well. – haleion
Could you please tell me what I didn’t back up? Everything I mentioned about Reagan is on the record and quite well-known.
Interesting “bullets” about Reagan. Did Michael Moore toss those “facts” your way? You stated he was a traitor? Most young people like yourself grow out of such idealistic garbage (unions, protests). When you hit an older age, actually work and pay taxes, your point of view will change and you will agree with what Reagan stood for. To blame the 1987 stock market crash and Iran/contra shows you are nothing more then a socially crippled man/child with no interest in the truth or comprehension of the issues. – arb
How old an age do I have to hit? I’m 39 and have been politically active since I was able to vote. I graduated from college, spent four years in the Army, and have been in the workforce for twelve years since then. I have never and will never agree with anything Reagan ever did. And Reagan’s hands-off, see-no-evil management style caused the conditions that allowed Iran-Contra to happen. Shit, sonny, I watched those hearings and saw how people were buying Ollie’s bullshit.
I’m normally a fan, but your in memoriam to Reagan was nauseating. It’s too bad that you always go for the Michael Moore (the left’s Rush) shock-jock style of commentary, because it keeps me from ever taking you seriously. You do sometimes manage to accomplish something other than simply preaching to the choir, but, overall, your obtuse rants are usually only suitable for a tiny niche audience, and anyone outside of the rabid, faggoty left wing is left seeing you as an extremist. And no matter how talented you are as a writer, it’s terribly difficult to identify extremism with intelligence. You come off sounding looney and irrational, which is not a jab at any psychological diseases that you have, but simply a critique of your column, week after week. How seriously would you take the rantings of a Jerry Foulfellow or anyone else of his ilk? You can say that you’re balancing out the Limbaughs of the world, but do you really want to be a mirror image of someone like that! – Todd Johnson
What the hell is it with the Michael Moore comparisons? Haven’t I said that I don’t approve of Moore enough for some people? The thing most people missed is that I wasn’t using shock tactics, or to be a provocateur, or even to counter the media blitz of this story through blunt statements. What I was doing was expressing my honest, completely negative, feelings about the man in a way that would be understandable to people and yet not break our column size limit. It is beyond certain people’s conceptions that not everyone loved, loved, loved the guy? I loathed him, and that’s why I wrote what I did. No other reason.
And to close that off, my fascist bud John King:
Can’t wait for your boy Clinton to die. 1,000 panty salute and and absolute orgy of print and TV fellatio for a man who did less for America and more for himself than any president since “deer-in-the-headlights” Jimmy Carter. Going to be pretty hard to close a casket when the corpse still has a boner.
You know, that was Strom Thurmond’s old joke. People used to ask him why he kept a baseball bat in his office, and he told those people that it was to bash down his hard-on when he was in his casket.
I’m sure you’re down with the Hillary-2008 crew, even if she has to pull a Vince Foster on Kerry, which is what is going to happen to him if he puts her on the ticket as veep.
John, you know better than that. Don’t I refer to her as “Hitlary” all the time? Remember, I’m a political animal at heart, not an ideologist. I know it’d be instant death for the Party if she gets nominated.
What is wrong with spending the Soviets into oblivion?
Spending ourselves into oblivion in the process, which is precisely what happened.
Notice though that the Communist party is starting to make more headway in elections.
The Communists have always done well in Russian elections, actually. Zyuganov made a great showing in the 90s elections against Yeltsin, for instance. No one there wants them back in power, though, until the generation that was the last of the nomenklatura dies off and the party becomes more like a social democratic party in Western Europe.
I would take Reagan-Thatcher any day in terms of fighting terrorism over “Happy-ending” Clinton. We saw how well he took care of matters.
Again with the straw man argument. John, you’re better than that. You don’t really believe that Clinton was responsible for September 11th like that yo-yo above. I know you better. Of course, you could be referring to the 1993 attack, the embassy bombings, and the USS Cole, in which case I apologize. What that shows is the random nature of terror. No one can stop it or prevent it. And, honestly, how would you have felt if Clinton pulled a Patriot Act after Oklahoma City and suspended civil liberties for American citizens, then went after the right-wing militias?
Running the effing country by polling really got us somewhere. But of course we never hear about that.
And is it more offensive than running a country by an ideology that only a minority of Americans believe in?
The only reason less people got indicted in the Clinton administration is that you can’t put a corpse on trial.
Well, you did mention Vince Foster earlier, so that’s not surprising. But not all of them got killed, and there were nowhere near the 140 people in the Reagan “administration” who were indicted and tried.
How many people close to that family ended up Ron Brown-ed or refusing to roll over because the goon squad would show up the next day.
Ron Brown was a f*cking shitball who was covered in Don Tyson’s pocket lint and rolled over for the entire meat industry, forcing USDA to implement standards that I still believe to this day to be detrimental to the American public. By the way, three guesses who owns the plant I’ll be inspecting, and the first two don’t count.
That wasn’t a presidency, it was a f*cking crime family.
Remember, I’m from Chicago, and so is Hitlary. I respect people like that.
I’m glad that you got the whole Reagan thing out of your system. But isn’t it funny that the same people who were trashing Reagan in the 80s are now kissing his ass, except for you and the New York Times, but more people probably read you than the Times.
The NYT should hire me. God knows I’d be better for them than Jayson Blair. And it is funny, really, but that’s the nature of death. The GOPers who were around in the Reagan Era had nothing but good things to say about Tip O’Neill when he passed on, despite the fact that he was a pain in Reagan’s side.
Reagan was the perfect man for the times after sackless-Carter, who has turned into such a glad-handing sack of shit that I will volunteer to write the In Memorium for 411 when he dies.
I’ll give you equal time. But you have to remember that the honest, moral Carter was the perfect man for the times after the venal, criminal Nixon Administration. We get the government that we deserve, especially when it’s wrapped in an edible outer coating. Democracy can be political Warfarin, and has been ever since 1968 here in the US.
Have a safe trip. I’ll be in D.C. Next week for the DIA conference. I’ll try and get some Cymbalta samples for you, as well as Effexor XL. Peace.
I’ll take the Cymbalta, but I tried Effexor (75mg UID) during the Ohio Era. Had the worst anxiety attack of my life on it. So it’s contraindicated. If you can get your hands on some Abilify, Lexapro, or Nexium, send them my way.
And that’s it for this. One favor, please: if you write in, do it quick. I’m going to be cutting off this account within the next 24 hours. I’ll have a new e-mail next week that you can use. Until then, it’s goodbye from and to Nebraska, and hello to Kansas…
