Welcome back to The Bootleg. And a note of thanks to the 411 readers n’ writers who took the time to send me a quick e-mail, IM or column mention wishing me a Happy 1st Father’s Day.
A few weeks ago, in this very space, I wrote that I’d be content to spend Father’s Day with a six-pack of beer, a full schedule of baseball and 10 hours in the finely honed ass groove of my couch. However, the actual “holiday”, along with the residual gifts and greetings was so much fun, it almost makes me wish I had gone ahead and leased one of those Sally Struthers’ Starvin Marvins for only pennies a day.
This year’s gift haul included:
Simpsons Novelty Draws: Don’t laugh…those of us from my generation have been looking for a way to replace the memories of Underoos for years. Admittedly, Homer Simpson’s image reaching towards my genitalia, whilst crowing about the cruel hands of fate can never supercede those Boba Fett briefs I had in the early ’80s, though.
Law & Order: SVU, Season 1 DVD: Mrs. Bootleg and I just started watching this show in the last few months and now I’m hooked. The wife tunes in for the crisp writing, snappy dialogue and “ripped from the headlines” plots. I watch to see which former Oz character will be making a cameo this week. It’s amazing how many of these guys were able to make such a smooth transition from scripted sodomy to super cops.
In Living Color: Season 1 DVD: I would love to review this 3-disc set for the Movies Zone. This sketch comedy from 1990 is obviously very dated, but many of the jokes still hit their target. Plus, there’s a little something for everyone. Black folk can enjoy the hilarious African-American themed comedy, while white people can point to Jim Carrey and say, “take that, you Black bastards.”
Picture of My Son: I guess I should’ve seen this one coming, since it even came with the “from Jalen, to my daddy” gift tag that looked a lot like my wife’s handwriting. I shouldn’t have asked if the gift was the actual picture or if I could use the $10 Aaron Brothers frame for a picture of me.
Trip to the Bay Area: Tell me if I should be concerned…The wife and her aunt got me a ticket to the Bay for the weekend of July 23-25. She even bought A’s tickets for the Saturday game and coordinated with my boy,Vig, for me to spend the whole time with him.
She’s staying behind in San Diego with the kid. Is she plotting her escape? Is she having an affair and wants me out of the house? Will the locks be changed when I get back? Eh, who cares…I’m seeing the A’s for free and get two nights in San Francisco where I’m known as “el bachelor rudo”, La Parka.
Quick Note: I’m taking next week off, since I’m coordinating the Annual 411 Independence Day Barbecue. While I’m ensuring that there are enough hot dogs, the coleslaw is made sans pineapple and the potato salad is domestic, not German, please enjoy next Friday’s special guest writer: Brian J. Blottie.
Yes, the former 411 columnist and current Staff Forum bunion returns…he’ll bring the Metal, if you bring the ass.
411 Mad Libs: I’ll bring The Goodness, if you bring the __________ (farm animal).
Seasonal Cheese & Darko Milicic
Queen Latifah has quite a few logs in the fire and, for once, I’m not talking about those Hickory Farms smoky cheese logs that are so popular during the holiday season. Y’know, those really nasty ones that are rolled around in sliced almonds, then shrink-wrapped for your Kwanzaa enjoyment.
Anyways, Latifah has a pair of movies in the can, including the Barbershop spin-off entitled Beauty Shop, as well as a flick that I knew nothing about…a comedy called The Cookout.
It’s described as a comedy that follows a newly drafted NBA player who struggles to adapt to his new lifestyle. I’m told the movie will depict the most realistic NBA Draft scenes ever captured on film.
We’re talking authenticity right down to the prison tatts of the various draftees’ posse members, the gold teeth and wigs on their 28-year-old mothers and the unshaven backs and necks of all the Euro ballers who are very slowly taking over the league. Oh, and the Los Angeles Clippers will pick the worst guy possible. You can’t have a draft scene without that.
Hello, Michael…
Lynne Spears, mother of pop diva Britney, apparently ran over one of those meddlesome paparazzi as he was trying to snap a few pics from a recent Spears family outing. The photographer was taken to the hospital with what was thought to be a broken ankle, but X-rays showed that his injuries were fairly minor and he’d be fine once the swelling went down. Police who arrived on the accident scene did not charge the driver, but legal action is still a possibility from the victim, who has retained counsel.
If I’m Lynne Spears, I’m doing two things right now…inappropriately touching my daughters and preparing my defense. And there’s no time like the present to dust off that “evil sentient car” defense that worked so well on TV’s Knight Rider in the 1980s. See, after a few seasons, there was pretty much no one left for David Hasselhoff and K.I.T.T. to fight. So, the show’s writers created an evil twin car named, conveniently, K.A.R.R. It looked and “talked” like K.I.T.T., but it was evil.
And, I’m not sure, but it might’ve even had one of those “parallel-universe, evil-making” goatees around it’s front grill. Hey, come to think of it, I believe the writers also introduced an evil David Hasselhoff twin during the show’s run. Man, unoriginal and uninspired writing like that reminds me of this guy…or a certain aspiring 411 writer named Dwayne.
Trust me, that line will make more sense when you scroll down a few feet.
Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nothin…
For all the talk about the continued exploitation of artists like Tupac, why is it that no one ever mentions the RZA and his frequent money runs at the expense of The Wu-Tang Clan? Even though the group hasn’t dropped an album in years, RZA is planning on releasing The Wu-Tang Manual to bookstores everywhere this fall.
The book will cover the history of the group, an exploration of their alter egos and an explanation of the numerology and Eastern philosophies that comprise the group’s identity.
If I may sample from my partner-in-crime…Nick’a Please.
Show of hands…how many rap fans don’t know the history of this group? And all this Shaolin Sword and miso soup “Eastern philosophy” nonsense is about as legitimate as Kung-Fu Chris Tucker in those Rush Hour movies or the previously skewered Shaq Fu.
Just because Kareem Abdul-Jabbar got some screen time with Bruce Lee 100 years ago doesn’t mean every brutha should embrace the teachings of Quick Kick and Storm Shadow.
Maybe John Witherspoon Has Some Free Time Next Month
Has anyone else managed to sit through an episode of Method & Red on Fox? Trust me, kids…those brain cells ain’t coming back. And, now, it appears that co-star and executive producer Method Man isn’t happy with the direction of the show:
“I’m trying to keep this show ghetto and there’s a way for it to be both ghetto and intelligent. But, it’s not going that way.”
No sh*t, Meth. At what point did you come to this realization…when the little white neighbor boy was “rapping” at the dinner table or with the casting of Beth Littleford? Now, I’m not saying it’s impossible to bring “ghetto” and “intelligent” together, but that role is usually reserved for the 99-year-old Negro who had a seat next to a pair of runaway slaves on The Freedom Train. And, I’m not sure that Ossie Davis or Soul Train’s Don Cornelius are available this summer.
Can You Make It Smell Like Her Used Panties?
Beyoncé and Tommy Hilfiger are moving forward with their plans to bring Ms. Knowles’ signature fragrance line to the briefcase of some parking lot perfume huckster near you. The collection will be called True Star and the press release promises scents that contain “contrasting florals…and notes of toasted grains“. C’mon, guys…who doesn’t want their wife smelling like a bowl of f*ckin’ Grape-Nuts?
And can you believe that the good people at Post still think there’s a market for their natural blend of buckshot in a box? Outside of Trap-Jaw, who can possibly chew this gravel without ending up with gums as swollen and discolored as Pookie’s from New Jack City?
Speaking of which, do they still make those crown-cracking Corn-Nuts? I’m convinced that this salty snack treat was created as part of a nefarious plot by the American Dental Association to concurrently break every child’s teeth and make one’s breath smell like foot and ass.
Hard Rock & Huxtables
In the listing of unlikeliest entertainment unions, I’d have to say Peter Criss and Bill Cosby would have to rank just behind The Bachelor and the token Black woman that’s quickly dismissed every season.
But, this time it’s true. No, Jesse Palmer isn’t rolling with Janiqua just yet…it’s the original KISS drummer Criss who has agreed to a guest spot on the animated Fatherhood. The show is based on the best-selling book of the same title, authored by Bill Cosby.
[Note to my friends and family: Quit offering me your 15-year-old copies of this book. I haven’t even read the five copies you same people loaned me during the wife’s pregnancy.]
While Cosby has given the world quite a bit of wisdom and entertainment over years, I’m thinking that his forthcoming Fat Albert movie will be about as well received as his advice on how Black people should talk. Have you seen some of the screen shots yet?
Yes, 20th Century Fox has pinned their ticket sales on the chunky brutha from Good Burger.
Hasn’t Scooby-Doo taught us that ’70s cartoons just don’t translate into enjoyable feature films? Although, I’ll admit that the casting of Omarosa as Hong Kong Phooey or Nick Salemi as Inch High Private Eye does have potential.
Dear Slim…You’ve Been Served…Again.
Is there anyone left for Eminem to feud with? After running afoul of nearly the entire music industry during his five-year run in the mainstream, it was revealed this week that his longest feud has been with the person responsible for the biggest single of his career.
Dido, who provided the memorable chorus on Stan, is reportedly set to sue Slim Shady for upwards of two million dollars for her work on the tragic fan-obsessed cut. Sources indicate the two sides have spent the last four years trying to negotiate an equitable dollar amount for Dido’s services before reaching their current impasse.
This is probably as entertaining as this story is going to get, kids. From here, they’ll likely proceed to arbitration or mediation or litigation (Jesse Jackson Mode: OFF) and bog themselves down in the legalese and double-speak of their highly paid lawyers.
Why can’t the legal process be as fun as the courtroom scene in Ghostbusters 2? Rick Moranis as the defense attorney, playing off the gruff judge was comic gold. Take that along with Bill Murray’s not-quite-played out one-liners, a pre-400 lb. Dan Akroyd and the female DA’s upside down, skirt-over-the-head scene with a ghost flinging her through the air and it almost makes me want to go to trial, instead of settling for the usual plea bargain. Stupid lack of public urinals.
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
You loved him in Like Mike and Johnson Family Vacation, now Lil Bow Wow has just signed on for the lead part in Roll Bounce. Set in the turbulent 1970s, the movie revolves around the mysterious “X” (Mr. Wow), who rules a local skating rink before it closes.
When it shuts down, X and his crew…wait, let’s get the exact quote from the press release…they “venture off to experience a world where skating is a hustle”.
…where skating is a hustle.
Wow…I’m not sure which to mock first: a movie that uses rollerskating as its central theme or the use of the word “hustle” as a noun by anyone other than Jimmie Walker from Good Times fame.
Now, it’s not that roller-skates have no place in Hollywood (see Heather Graham in Boogie Nights or Tootie in the first few seasons of Facts of Life). It’s just that I’d rather see them on pretend porn stars or prepubescent pixies…not butter-pecan-skinned bitches called Bow Wow.
Nick’a Please
conceptualized by Nick Salemi
There’s been a lot going on in the entertainment world recently. I see no better way to spew my brand of uniformed nonsense than by introducing each with one-liners from the comedy that is the king of all one-liners, Animal House.
1. The Lil Flip vs. TI Beef
“Is that any way to treat an intimate friend?”
What’s Beef? Beef ain’t this, kids. Hip-Hop feuds should at least involve ONE rapper that people actually care about, or at least be able to pick out of a lineup. Some advice: stick together so you can be friends for the “Crunk Reunion Tour” in 2020. My god what have I done?
2. Mary Kate Olsen’s anorexia
“My advice to you is to start drinking heavily”
I’ll keep this short. I do NOT feel sorry for billionaires who “don’t wanna eat”. How much attention do these people need? More importantly, how was this the fourth headline down on CNN.com? 80 die in blast in Iraq and uncle Jessie’s niece doesn’t want a sandwich? Doesn’t seem right. One thing’s good though, you know she’s done with dinner in a New York Minute.
3. Britney, Christina and Jessica all canceling concerts
“You f*cked up, you trusted us”
What’s going on with the pop-divas? All of the sudden they’re Anfernee Hardaway and Grant Hill? Blown out knee, kidney infection, “vocal strain”. What’s next, is Mandy Moore going to bow out of her concert due to a wicked bad headache? I think it’s ending for all of them soon. Cosmic justice is on deck swinging two bats, bitches.
4. Shaq/Kobe/Phil/Lakers
“If I were in your shoes I’d be…leaving. What a great idea”
Everybody’s running for the hills in L.A. I mean after one gigantic, embarrassing crushing defeat, nobody wants to play in Hollywood? Zenmaster’s act got stale, Shaq’s had enough and Kobe well, we know his problem. Remember when they had Glen Rice, JR Rider and Travis Knight?
5. Mase’s Return Song “Welcome Back”
“…individual acts of perversion so profound and disgusting, the decorum prohibits listing them here.”
Mase still raps like half of his face is paralyzed. I know AJC covered this a while back, but it’s STILL being played on the radio. I mean the whole jacking of an entire song and rapping over it (“Diddyfying”, if you will), went out in 97/98, Mase. Maybe the lord can come to him and tell him in a vision
“Mason, why don’t you take your Horse and Carriage or shoot yourself out of a cannon (like in that wack–ass Harlem World video you were in) back to that rock you’ve been hiding under.”
How about this bottom line no one’s mentioned: If he became a laughingstock in hip-hop circles, where do you think he is on the pecking order in the religious community? Just a thought.
6. Bill Clinton’s Memoirs
“That boy is a P-I-G pig!”
Well, I guess this line applies more to his intern. Billy boy could always talk with the best of them, but he may have outdone himself with his explanation for his affair with Lewinsky, “Because I could.” Bring him back for God’s sake…remember when cigar placement was the most important thing going on in government?
7. Jigga Makes Surprise Appearance at Phish Concert
“We’re all gonna die…we’re the only white people here”
Now Jigga knows how I felt going to HIS concerts! I got 99 Problems but Phish ain’t one! I still have yet to listen to an entire Phish song. Because honestly, I just don’t give a Phuck.
8. Simple Life 2 still on the air
“Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life”
Yes, I know she’s not fat, but Paris Hilton and her little “rehabilitated” friend Nicole Richie have proven they qualify for the other two. Actually, I’ll leave the “stupid” portion of the quote to those who keep tuning in every week to this self-indulgent bullshit.
9. The ESPYs
“They took the bar, the whole f**ing bar!”
Irrelevance at its best. You most likely will need a whole f#*ing bar to get through this dreck. Berman’s funny names! Patrick’s smarmy questions, maybe a mockumentary by Kenny Mayne! Strap in kids, it’s gonna be a long ride. I still think Kilborn was the best thing that ever happened to that channel. Unfortunately we’ve had nothing but dozens of would-be imitators for years, all third rate at best.
10. AJC and Nick’a take next week off from tha Bootleg
“Remain calm, all is well!”
I’m out. Enjoy the 4th of July Holiday weekend!
General Haberdashery
Still no sign of Smilo on the Tuesday beat. Although, I chatted briefly with him on IM and caught wind of what he’s planning for his next column. He’d have to kill me if I gave anything away, so I’ll leave you with these cryptic clues: upskirt shots and Ashish Pabari.
Canadian T headlines our Minority Report and opens up by barbecuing Oprah Winfrey, while closing with a commercial for Michael Moore. Man, if there’s anything I can’t stand it’s when these music guys spend so much time on non-music topics.
The Mexican Messiah has returned from the UK. Someone apparently forgot to tell him that “steak and kidney pie” is just another word for “botulism”.
Cocozza recounts his weeklong adventure where he didn’t bathe for days and resisted the urge to punch children in the mouth. I think the Unabomber started this way.
Melchor covers Duran Duran, INXS and LL Cool J. Next week, he moves on to other ’80s bands like Jemm & The Holograms, The Misfits (our songs are better) and Barbie & The Rockers.
Jalen’s Dad brought the Goodness to the Movies Zone last week. References included Bret Hart, Mayor McCheese and, no lie, a hot British chick. Seriously.
Junk Mail
Last week’s “double feature” pulled in a good amount of feedback. It seems I pissed off large segments of both Red Sox Nation and Laker fans, which just goes to prove that they can read. Nick, you owe me a dollar.
Red Sox bashing…how very original of you. If you’re still crying about the chock job from your Oakland Pathetics in last year’s playoffs, get over it. After four straight October flameouts you should be used to it by now. – J.D.
Well, there’s something I thought I’d never see…a Red Sox fan who can’t spell c-h-o-k-e.
I just wanted to say thanks for Johnny Damon and Keith Foulke. We’re looking forward to signing Hudson, Mulder or Zito from the A’s in another year or two. – J.K.
“We’re”? Moron, you’re a fan…not on payroll. And I’m sure the Sox will have plenty of money to sign another A’s player after Nomar signs with the Yankees this winter.
It should be noted that most Red Sox fans don’t even like Ben Affleck either. No one really appointed him the spokesman for Red Sox Nation, besides shows like Entertainment Tonight. They can’t comprehend sports in any context other than celebrity involvement. That and showing him and the future Mrs. Anthony at games ALL. THE. TIME. didn’t help either. She probably got as much flak from Yankee fans for doing that.
Then again, I’m more than happy to disown Dan Shaughnessy and, when he acts a fool, John Henry. Like you said in the column, the Bosox have the second highest payroll in baseball. We shouldn’t CARE what anyone else does. Maybe that’s just me. -Jason S.
Ah, the voice of reason. Speaking of which, here’s another one from the King of L.A.:
The intro to your column was great, being born and raised here in LA I’m glad to see the bandwagon is on fire and emptying at an alarming rate. When the series started “The Lakers were going to kill the Pistons” every Faker fan was shouting. Now you cant get two words out of them. Car flags, bootleg ass Lakers T shirt stands, The Power 106 Laker lust, and of course Latinos in the Kobe 8 jersey with the t-shirt underneath are down 98%. This is the greatest thing since Cross Colors. – Da’Ron W.
And, finally…a pair of 411 writers stopped by to share their thoughts on last week’s goodness. First up is Steve Coogan, who covers all thangs TV over in Black and provides an addendum to last week’s mention of The Surreal Life:
WB dumped The Surreal Life and VH-1 is actually picking it up for Season 3.It’s taping now and is airing in September.
Also, you don’t think you weren’t a little tough on Curt Schilling? He’s never struck me as someone who’s too caught up on his own celebrity status….Just my opinion…Good job otherwise! Take care. – Coogan
We’re going to have to agree to disagree on Schilling. While he’s not as overt a camera whore as many of today’s athletes…he might be even worse, since he wraps himself up in a shroud of false humility and for-the-fans tripe. His “letters to the fans” and Red Sox message board pandering just cry out as sad attempts to be loved by all…until he forces a trade to whatever deep-pocketed franchise wants a hired gun for a playoff run.
Last up is 411 Black’s own Michael Huckaby, who not only is spearheading the single greatest feature in the history of 411 Movies (no hyperbole…I’ve seen it), but also adds to last week’s criteria for African-American movies:
You forgot two more necessities in a “black” movie. You need the wigger and the Carlton. The down with the brothas white guy with the spinning rims, bouncing stereo system, and the sista on his arm. But everyone still laughs at him because no matter how hard he tries… he’s still white.
Carlton is of course the sweater vest wearing educated Uncle Tom of the hood. Getting his education and correcting everyone only leading to two hours of delicious hilarity in the form of insults.
Also I don’t think Pacino should have won the Oscar in 92 either but there was no way they were giving it to Denzel for Malcolm X. That’d be equally as successful as giving it to Ed Norton for American History X.
Life With Baby Bootleg
Don’t you hate how people with babies pass along their ridiculous “tips” for everything from how to prevent diaper rash to how to cure colic like they’ve thought up something that hasn’t already been used for generations?
I know I do…and that’s why I wanted to wait and make sure I had perfected my surefire patented cure-all for cranky babies before I disclosed it to the market. So, if any of you have an irritable newborn who just won’t shut his cry hole, I’ve got three words for you:
Nate Dogg songs.
Last Sunday, I was left with the child while the wife ran to Starbucks to show off her bloated breast milk-filled cleavage to the City College student/aspiring actor working behind the counter. Jalen seemed to have no interest in sleep until I scooped him up, held him close and started in with a medley of Nate Dogg hooks.
When I wake up in…tha morning (morning 3x). When I git up out my bed.
I will always be a hustla (hustla 2x). I will always chase my bread. – from “Wake Up”
Long Beach to Tha Bay (Tha Bay)…Frisco to L.A. (L.A.)
Don’t care what they say (what they say)…We all fam-lay (fam-uh-LAYY) – from Nah Nah
Way back in tha day, when tha hottest thang was jheri curls…
You could always spot a gangsta, by the way his hair outgrew his girl’s – from Who’s Playing Games?
Now, I know what you’re thinking: this is just a cheap way to fill the required Nate Dogg reference for the week, but I’m telling you…I tried it and it works. Seriously, can we find a way to get Nate a deal to do a children’s album?
This little piggy went to tha sto’
The second one stayed home (locked dowwwwn)
The third little piggy had mad roast beef
The forf little one had none (nuh-uhhhh)
That last little piggy went wee wee wee wee-wee-wee (all tha way hooooo-ooome)
I know I’d buy it.
Mrs. Bootleg’s Quote of the Week
Guess what? Jalen slept from six o’clock last night to almost 5:00 AM this morning! – Thursday, June 24
Like any proud parents, the wife and I have made it a habit to call out the various baby milestones and share them with each other. Nothing unusual there, save for the fact that it was just after 5:00 AM when the wife shared this little nugget with my groggy ass.
Now, if there are any expectant mothers out there reading this, allow me to pass along some sage words of wisdom. Sleep is very precious to your husband and/or baby’s daddy. Especially when he’s expected to work 10 hours a day and assume the evening feedings and changings that you can’t be bothered with after a day of mall walking and soaps watching.
I guess the point of this little soliloquy is that not everything the kid does is newsworthy. Mrs. Bootleg is the queen of calling me downstairs to “look at the face Jalen’s making” or “listen to his grunts” just before one of his nuclear poos.
This ain’t news, it’s nature.
Deep Thoughts…With Dwayne Jackson
You may have heard that 411 recently hired a whole bunch of new writers. Unfortunately, not everyone who applied was actually hired. As you can imagine, there were some very talented people who just missed the cut…including aspiring Wrestling Zone writer Dwayne Jackson. Here are some of his uncensored thoughts to get you through the week:
“Yes, I’m the alcoholic of the group. I drink alot. But I’m always sober. I only have a bottle of day. A bottle of hyno, vodka, and of course some of that Chrissy. Now I’ll tell you what’s disgusting. Beer. I hate beef. I cannot stand the tatse of beef. I also hate fine wine. I LIKE HARD LIQUOR BABY!!!!!!
I hate it when people smoke around me. Now if you’re one of my friends, or one of my nigga’z it’s cool. But if you’re riding with me in the car, you better put that cigarette. I hate cigar smoke and can’t stand the smell of it.” – Dwayne Jackson from his Summerslam ’89 review.
Have a safe n’ happy Independence or Canada Day. See y’all on July 9. In the meantime, just get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
