VERY IMPORTANT PUBLIC NOTICE TO MY FELLOW CANADIANS:
The Federal Election is tomorrow, and you damned well better be exercising your Constitutional right to vote. If not, I will personally see to it that you will be executed in a brutal and horrific manner when I finally become dictator-for-life in this enormous country. Secondly, while it is understood that Paul Martin and the Liberals are two-timing, crazy weasels who ought to be getting the f*ck out of office due to their corrupt natures, Stephen Harper is not a good or even manageable figure. He, in the current global climate and situation, will NOT even be a decent transitionatory figure. For those of you who are opposed to Bush, the war in Iraq and all the immoral, inhumane bullshit that’s gone on with Bush and Blair, keep in mind that Stephen Harper will see to it that we send troops to Iraq and we will become the hooker whose knee is used to wipe Bush’s dick off of. And we will not have $5 left on the nightstand table when he leaves. You have been warned!
Harper is a mutant, an ugly, creepy person who gets that whole ‘gut feeling’ going into hyperdrive when I look at him. He’s slicker than an Exxon tanker, and I do not trust him. Please, do not vote Alliance. Vote for the Bloc if you absolutely have to, I don’t care. Okay. Onto your regularly scheduled column now….
Welcome to the first AM composed rendition of SBS, folks. What the hell does yr. loyal and humble servant mean by that, exactly? Well, it’s the first column that I began writing early in the morning, around 7:30AM to be exact, which is a far radical departure from my usual mid evening shenanigans. I’m not sure if being up this early to write is going to agree with me, but we’ll play it by ear and see what happens. As said last column, I’ve begun work in an office building, which is turning out pretty well. Stick me anywhere that I can listen to music and I’ll be just fine, more or less.
A quick note to Eric S. who I believe isn’t 40 yet, but is nearing that marker, when I talked about ’40 year old f*ckwits’ in my last column. I was primarily talking about the classless yuppies who love to drive their SUVs around, drink their lattes and just be general nuisances to everyone around them. There’s nothing really all that distinguishable about them from a f*ckwit from any other demographic, aside from little things like musical choices and the such.
Going to see the new Double M movie tonight, which should be good. Finally, one of 411’s own gets their very own movie, and it’s about the president! Surprisingly enough, it’s NOT Eric S. Wait, it’s Michael Moore and not Melchor? Well, piss.
Speaking of the new Moore flick, I was unable to get to a screening of the film, as the advance screening filled up WAY in advance and I couldn’t attend, and tickets were soldout Friday/Saturday night. Working 2 jobs, despite the increased cash flow, sometimes sucks the big one, kiddies.
I think you all know the drill now, kids, so duck underneath your desk, cover your head, and get ready for…
Da News
Light column this week as I attempted to do reverse telecommuting, and work on the column while at work, and the results were less than stellar….
– Carlos Santana is apparently showcasing just how senile he is becoming as he gets older. The guitarist, notorious for playing the exact same f*cking song for the past 300 years or so, apparently sounded off against Ozzy and other white musicians for being….white. Lots of bitching and moaning was done about the death of Elvin Jones and the lack of media attention. It should be mentioned that Jones was black, black, BLACK and that is why Santana felt there was little to no attention made regarding the artist. Nevermind the fact that when Ray Charles croaked, the amount of media attention given to him was approximately on the level of Reagan’s death. A&E Biography Special? Check. Massive coverage on CNN? Check. Public funeral? I’m not sure, but I believe it was the case, so, check. Outdated, idiotic guitarist bitching because his last record bombed? Check, as I’m sure Jello Biafra or some other 80s punker sounded off about Reagan’s passing.
– Pete Libertine, showcasing more and more that he’s this decade’s Scott Weiland, or perhaps Janis Joplin would be a more appropiate term. See, after going to various
rehab clinics in the UK, and then France, and then swearing off rehab before quickly flying off to Thailand, Mr. Libertine got arrested for carrying a concealed weapon. Someone should send Britain a memo that we already have one rampant, useless, vapid idiot-cunt of a ‘musician’ traipsing around the nether, and her name is Courtney Love. We most certainly do not need another, and that, ladies and gentlemen, was YOUR Courtney Love Jab Of The Week(tm)!
– The US Senate, sometimes friend of this columnist, and usual foe, has decided to go the foe route again, this time proposing a bill that would see to the outlawing of file trading networks, in addition to some recording devices, citing the need to do this as some of these items could be used for unlawful purposes. One needn’t think too hard to think about what sort of devices might be banned in this forthcoming bill, if it passes, as I’d believe that CD-R drives would be the top of the list. You know, while the Senate is at it, I’d like to see them getting around to banning guns, as they can also be used for unlawful purposes. Heck, why not regulate everything and restrict the public’s access to any kind of information? After all, knowledge, information and power are dangerous things that can cost other people large sums of money, but also undermine the authority of certain governments presiding over certain countries directly south of my own home country.
The name of the bill, called the Induce Act, pretty much makes it legal for lawyers to sue just about anyone they want for copyright violation. What do I mean by that? Well, suppose for example you’re on vacation in Aruba for 2 weeks and while away, you have someone housesitting for you. That someone has access to your computer and decides to download and then burn a bunch of crap from your computer. Guess what? You’ve now ‘aided’ someone in copyright violation, and your name can be expected to be found on that new legal notice the RIAA will be issuing in about a month. Not only does this bill have a completely silly concept, but it reaches too far for it’s own good.
– Johnny Depp may be playing Ozzy Osborne in an upcoming biography about the rocker. You know, I don’t know about you, but I’m getting sick of having Depp’s name attached to everything that could be considered even remotely ‘oddball’ these days. Yes, the man is an excellent actor and one of my favorites, something which I’ve maintained even before Pirates of the f*cking Carribean put Depp on the map. It wouldn’t be that hard to find someone else who can do a fairly good portrayal of Ozzy, right?
– Ho, ho, ho. Billboard magazine, a rag in every sense of the word, is getting sued by some former employees. To wit, editor-in-chief Keith Girard and senior editor Samantha Chang filed a lawsuit against the music industry publication, claiming a number of charges, including, gender and race based discrimination, sexual harassment, retaliatory firings, intra-office sabotage and they were in a ‘newsroom culture in which corporate management sacrificed editorial integrity for the sake of fiancial interests.’ Well, good to see that modern journalism has finally caught up to the Billboard newsies! Unsurprisingly, the accusation that the higher ups decided NOT to publish material that may ‘piss off’ the major labels isn’t so much as a shock as it is confirmation that this was the case.
– Korn and AFI are both recording versions of Nine Inch Nails’ ‘Head Like A Hole’ for upcoming projects. Presumably, both groups will also be recording versions of that song which will also suck big, hairy, salty donkey balls, but then again, they might just pull…eeh, no, sorry, I’m going to have to stick with a big fat NO there.
– DMX got busted for GTA on Friday, as reported by just about everyone before me. No word yet if he’s going to follow Snoop Dogg’s lead and become a ‘hidden character’ in the upcoming Grand Theft Auto game or not. Also, how f*cking stupid do you have to be to attempt to do anything even REMOTELY illegal near an airport? For those that don’t know, this whole shebang occurred at a New York airport. You know, the site where a couple of terrorists flew some planes into those buildings? Like, Christ, you’re a dark complexioned man, doing something crazy near an airport. I’m surprised that Dog Master X didn’t go the route of 50 Cent and end up getting pumped full of lead. It’s not as though the spooks will go ‘oh hey! That’s DMX, he’s a famous rapper and is not a threat to national security at all!‘ before unloading into him. Well, hell, considering the FBI has been secretly monitoring a number of rap stars for quite some time now, maybe they MIGHT know who he is…
– Lollapalooza was cancelled this week, citing poor ticket sales. I have nothing to add to this aside from a quote from the Eternal Nemesis Of Michael Melchor, one Mr. YOU:
Indie emo fags killed that dumb-ass shitfest. Congratulations.
And let you all mull on THAT. Keep in mind it was Mr. YOU and not yrs. truly that said the above, so you know who to fire the angry e-mails off to. Aw, hell, fire a couple off to me, just for good measure. My inbox is looking rather lonely these days.
Anti-Pop: I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don’t!
– Jeff has more mullet talk than I can stomach, but manages to bang out an even more amazing column than yrs. truly. He also joins in my Oprah hate-in, showcasing even further why suburban housewives are complete idiots, although his pain is of a far more personal kind.
– Aaron appears to be branching away from his Minority Report brethren, as a possible alliance with Dwayne Jackson appears to be inevitable. Oh, how tangled a web it’s getting to be here in the 411 Music Zone, and this is without having Ryan Murphy around to stir things up. Stay tuned next week to see if a former alliance will be made with Dwayne Johnson, or if Aaron will stay true to the Minority Report!
– Mr. YOU seems to have lost his mind in his latest offering. I think there is some musical news in there as he declares World War 3 against Melchor, but I’m a little scared to go back and check. I’m afraid I might get stabbed.
– Tom is much like The Cure in the sense that he only appears every once in awhile to give everyone a taste of him, so as not to let the public get oversaturated with Tomness. Also, he spends alot of money on makeup and black clothing and weeps in the corner alot, which is more or less the concept behind the new Cure album, due out this Tuesday. Just kidding, Tom!
– Melchor, taking a moment off of his uber-feud with Evocator, is not only kind enough to pimp me twice for the columns I did last week, but also does one hell of a music column this week. This guy is becoming the workhorse of 411, so send him some karma, if you’re into that feel-good New Age bullshit. If not, send him money, as that works just the same.
The End Is The Beginning Is The End
I’m sore, tired and desperately seeking my bed. With that said, last week saw the release of the new Wilco disc, of which I’m a huge fan of. This week sees the release of a new Cure record, a new Tragically Hip disc (for us Canadians, at least). Both of which should be interesting listens, if nothing else.
As stated in Da News, I had some problems with the column this week, and if there’s nothing I hate more in regards to writing, it’s rewriting shit you already did. Now, I’m not talking about editing or re-working stuff that you’ve already got, no, I’m talking about the cases where you lose all 20 pages of your Graduate Thesis and have to start over, or when the computer gulps down whatever it is you’re working on, sending it to Computer Purgatory, where it will languish forever and ever, sending you back to Square One. So, I apologize for the Lite approach this week, which is low in carbs, and hope to have an expanded column next week. Still trying to find a replacement for the now retired Sound Advice as the public has spoken and does not desire a recommendations sub-section. VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, if you’re Canadian. I’m Trevor, this was Sunday, I’m done. Okay.
