Slayer's Sports And Stuff: 07.27.04

Mistress: Hurry up! We have to get going!

Me: No! I must do a column! If I don’t get one in this week, I won’t have one for almost a month! I have an obligation to 411Mania!

Mistress: Please…..they’re not even paying you so don’t work too hard.

Me: They are too paying me…..they are paying me with love!

Mistress: You’re drunk.

Me: I’m not drunk. You’re drunk! And stay away from my wife!!!!

Mistress: ………….You have three hours to write this column. Get to it!

Hi Everybody! Welcome to another edition of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff! In this issue….I’m on vacation. A looooooong one. Taking a month off to enjoy the sights and sounds of life. Today, I’m back home from a week of debauchery. Doing a little rest stop, laundry, etc. And you heard the mistress, I have three hours to give you a little column because none of you will see me for three weeks. Now, the problem is I haven’t watched a lot of sports this week. Correction. I have not watched any sports this week. So I won’t pretend to analyze something I haven’t watched. But have no fear! Last week I promised directions on how to make a James Bond Martini and I will deliver. We’ll also take a peak into the 411Music zone o see what’s going on over there and analyze legendary feuds as well my response to a teeny weeny little controversy that happened last week. Let’s do this thing and have some fun!

BUT, FIRST!
Just a warning….I’m a little tipsy right now. I’m still deaf from Hellfest and I just came back from the ole tavern…….So no links or schedule this week. They take actual concentration and time, neither which I have right now…..

CYCLING
Congratulations to Lance Armstrong on winning his SIXTH STRAIGHT Tour De France!!!! I’m not going to claim to be a long life fan of cycling. But I do know winning anything six time in a row is an amazing feat. Hell, it could be checkers but if you win a checkers game six times in a row in a competitive environment, that’s amazing!

Congratulations to Lance Armstrong for brining this once proud sport back to it’s former glory!!!!!!!! I do know that without Lance Armstrong, this sport would be kaput. So kaput I wouldn’t even make space for it in my column. And that’s really kaput. This sport took a nose dive after the drug scandals in the late 1990s, and this guy just put the entire sport on his back and brought it to international attention. Just like Mark McGuire did in baseball…except he did it by taking steroids.

And will Lance Armstrong go for a seventh one? According to him, “Seven victories would be like owning seven sports carts. Nice, but not necessary…….I’m interested in trying other races, The Tour of Italy, Classics, and beating the one hour cycling world record.” What the heck he’s talking about I have no idea but God’s speed to him.

BASEBALL
Last week I did my mid-season report on every team in baseball….except one. Many of you took the time to remind me of that and I appreciate it. Now I would love to say that this was some sort of joke and I left out the Padres on purpose to see if anyone would notice. And yes, most people did not notice which is kind of funny. But, I’ll be honest with you. After writing on every team, I decided to organize it in the order of their respective divisional standings, and started going cut and paste crazy in which I inadvertently lost the San Diego Padres. And yes, after I re-read and edited my draft……I didn’t notice it disappeared….which as I stated, is kind of funny. So here it is…..just one week too late.
The San Diego Padres remind me of themselves in 1998. Top heavy and no depth.
So, there you go. Riveting….isn’t it?

A couple weeks ago I went OFF on Jason Giambi. To sum it up, I stated his skills have been deteriorating and he’s gotten dumber. Well, unfortunately I was more right then I wanted to be because he may be dying. He is now undergoing tests for a potentially fatal sickness called Amebiasis caused by intestinal parasites. According to the NY tabloids, he has stated to secretly to friends, “I don’t care about hitting .220, I just want to feel better.” A teammate also stated “He’s exhausted and it’s not getting any better.” He has already been tested for Cancer, HIV, and several other illness all which came out negative. The problem with Amebiasis according to the medics is that it can only be detected by a specific and thorough test. If he does have this illness, he will need to sit out the remainder of the season as a part of its treatment is no work and lots of rest.

JAMES BOND MARTINI
Disclaimer: Drinking is illegal for those under 21. Go straight edge you young crazy diamonds!

I promised this a long time ago, in my second column I believe. I decided to save it for a rainy day and we’ve approached one. So here we go!
According to the classic novel, ‘Casino Royale’ (which was a 411 Book of the Month I believe) in Chapter 7: Rouge et Noir, James Bond asks for a………

“A dry martini,” he said. “One. In a deep champagne goblet.”
“Oui, monsieur.”
“Just a moment. Three measures of Gordon’s, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it’s ice-cold, then add a large thin slice of lemon-peel. Got it?”

Ok, what does all that mean? Don’t worry, I’ll walk you through it in that wonderful list style everybody seems to love so dearly.
1) Don’t worry about the deep champagne goblet. In most places, it’s called a martini glass.
2) Make sure your shaker is chilled!
3) Fill your shaker 3 measures (it’s a broad term, I know) of Gordon’s gin! (Yes, it has to be Gordon’s.)
4) Now add one measure of Vodka. But it can’t be any vodka. House vodka in a ***** 1953 Caribbean casino is probably dam good. But in 2004 at your local bar or liquor store it sucks. Any one of the big five (Stolies, Goose, Absolut, Smirnoff, Finlandia) you should be fine with, whichever you prefer. Stay away from Kennel One, a fine vodka but they don’t make good martinis.
5) Now, I’m not even sure Kina Lillet even exists anymore so any Lillet will do, I would recommend Lillet Blanc. No, you cannot substitute for vermouth, or else it is no longer a James Bond Martini.
6) Shake it! No Stirring! And Shake it Again! The more you shake, the more the coldness of the shaker rubs off on the alcohol, see….physics is fun!
7) Don’t shake it too much though, or else you’ll have a frothy mess. (Don’t worry, if this is your first time, your first martini will always suck. It’s an art but it ain’t surgery, you’ll get the hang of it soon.)
8) Put a lemon peel at the bottom of the glass, don’t chop off your fingers though if you’re not used to it. A regular lemon is fine. (no olives for this one!)
9) Pour your mixer in the glass!
10) Add a straw if you need to ‘cheat’ to avoid spillage!
11) Drink it!
12) Voila! You’re drunk!
And yes, you will be drunk. My friends, I don’t know what this is but it is NOT a martini. This is one monster drink though! We’re talking 4 to 5 ounces of pure alcohol per serving. Feel free to do it again if you would like, but if you do three, you’ll be sticking your face in a toilet pretty soon.
This is what Ian Fleming drank….man, he was cool.

411MUSIC
I just want to thank everyone at 411 Music for their recommendations at Hellfest. It’s a weekend long Hard Core/Punk/Metal show and I didn’t know more then just a few of the bands playing. I would like to thank specifically, Michael Melchor, Tom D, John Collins, and of course Eric Katz whom I met at the show! Great guy. Handsome fellow and smart too! Go get ‘em ladies!!!!!!

By the way, I’m like here, there, and everywhere on 411Music. From MM to Trevor P. When I’m in an egotistical mood, I’ll put it in my archives.

FUNNY STUFF ON 411MUSIC
There have been some great webfeuds here at 411. But none was better then EM vs. MM. I remember when I first discovered this feud wayyyyyyy back around two weeks ago. I then spent the next few hours of my life going into the 411 archives reading it from the very beginning to it’s abrupt end. EM was definitely the heel as he used dirty tactics and beat up mid-carders for the sake of cheap heat. MM was the nice happy guy who just seemed to always get screwed and was now not going to take it anymore. Good feud. I’ll say that MM won only because I’m biased and we’ve chatted a couple of times and I like the guy. And I know nothing about EM. Also, at the end the face should win, right?

I do have one criticism though, the feud is all over the place! It’s hard to keep up with, one day it’s in the news zone, then the music columns, then the wrestling zone, etc…I think MM and EM should get together and archive every time the two said something nasty about each other. You know, make it easier for the reader to follow.

NOT FUNNY STUFF ON 411MUSIC
“And please…be excellent to each other.”
That was just a little American Zen I left you all with last week and well, it seems as someone didn’t take my advice and decided to take a piss all over 411Black, specifically the sports zone. Now, he’s not the only guilty party and 411Sports has not been the only victim. This has been going on for a long time. Every time someone writes a column, it’s the same dam thing..
“Anyone who is not my friend sucks.”
“Anyone who is not Wirdo and Ashish sucks.”
‘Anyone who disagrees with me sucks.”
“Anyone who doesn’t write on the forums I write on sucks.”
This has to stop people. And I would like to respond to all of you by saying….

Wait a minute…..

I have new information coming in…..

He’s What!!!!!!!!!!!??????????

Oh………….hell…….

Folks, I just found out something. Here I am, a grown mature adult who lived a life of pleasure, pain, happiness, and sorrow. I’ve seen a lot of things on my travels and journeys. And Lord knows, I’ve been through alot too. Today I can proudly say I fought through the battles and trials and now live a life of purpose, meaning, and obligation. And what do I get for it? I get kicked around by a bunch of middle class kids with expensive computers. I mean…..Really? What the hell is going on here….it just makes no sense…..

It’s a strange and wondrous world this 411Mania, but at times it can be downright frightening and abnormal……
Man, this really is one wacky website, ain’t it?

So long everybody, I’m going on vacation!

Have a great three weeks!!!!!!!!!!

www.nyslayer.com