The Midnight News 08.09.04

What a stable environment the Internet is.

Oops, didn’t mean to set off your sarcasm detectors, but I’ve seen so many Web sites opening and closing (or merging) that it makes me wonder if we’ll ever find the right formula to make durable quality Web sites.

I became a part of the so-called Internet Wrestling Community (snicker) when I found John Petrie’s Slobberknocker Central back in 90-something. I watched him change from entertaining recapper to bitter ranter, and when he closed his site I had to go hunting for another source of WWF/WCW recaps. That’s when I found Hyatte and the Mop-Ups (sounds like a garage band) and I’ve been reading you ever since. I had to jump from site to site so many times to get my Hyatte fix that I feel like a cheap whore now.

I watched you change from entertaining recapper to Internet Hooligan to bitter ranter (deja vu anyone?). When I read your 411 columns now, it seems obvious to me that you’re not comfortable with your current situation. I hope the Inside Pulse will allow you to breathe new life in your online persona (I always thought you were “playing a character” for your columns and not being yourself, although I could be wrong), which has taken a turn for the worse in the last few months.

In any event, I’ll be there then the Inside Pulse goes up. Good luck with the new endeavors.

Yohann Tremblay

Thanks!

However, in regards to your comment about I hope the Inside Pulse will allow you to breathe new life in your online persona (I always thought you were “playing a character” for your columns and not being yourself, although I could be wrong), which has taken a turn for the worse in the last few months., I must refer you to one of the final notes in the farewell column:

And you’ll see THE SAME clusterf*cking half-assed mess almost twice a week at the new place too. I’m SO one trick it’s not even funny

Nothing new about this life, hate to say… maybe a few adjustments once I see what Widro has in mind, but that’s about it. Or I’ll chuck the whole kaboodle and do just Guide to life shit… and give Fleabag some short stories

So what’s the real story with you going and everybody going all Scherer on 411 and leaving???

xugreatone

Well, now that I kissed ass enough to keep the farewell on their front page for THREE WHOLE DAYS… I can FINALLY tell the truth!!

Eh, I pretty much told the truth already. I had no problems over there. Good people and a good site. And kudos to Ashish and the writers who stayed for stepping up and delivering last week.

By the way, just so we’re clear, this is NOT a 411 site. We are on our own here… there is no partnership at all. There is a similar design to it because A: Widro designed the 411 layout so it’s his invention and B: It’ll help you, John Q Stupid, feel more comfortable getting used to this.

And hello Site-Jumpers, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News Alpha… on my last new site, THE PULSE! Can you feel it? Is your heart rate QUICKENING? Is your pulse… dare I say… POUNDING???? No? Yes? Come on, help us out here.

By the way, from now on, you are all “Pulssys” Just be thankful we aren’t trying to get you to buy a T-SHIRT, like those imbeciles at pwinsider.

Okay, if you’re expecting a big speech, I’ll let Widro deal with that. I’ve got some info-tainment to get to… because I inform, and I entertain! I enterform!

See, same nonsense.

BUT, PLUGS

THIS is the Pulse forums. I’m gonna ask you to register and join.

What? You WON’T? Why? Because message boards SUCK? Well, no kidding, and this one will probably suck too.

HOWEVER… Widro is DEAD serious about making an impact with the Inside Pulse… and so am I.

So we’re gonna bribe you with a HUGE SummerSlam Inside Pulse sweepstakes!

Widro will explain… but I’m gonna tell you the big part.

Wrestling web sites are known for having prize contests… and you get to win REALLY cool stuff like… uhh, T-SHIRTS… and membership passes to VIP areas… and old OBSERVER copies… and… uh… once Flea held a contest for a free pass to Hony Tonk Man’s site when HTM had the nerve to charge people for admission… oh, and Flea is also offering cash money for anyone wishing to play in his Dead Pool!

But THIS… THIS idea is pretty big.

For the first time ever, we are offering a REAL prize to the winner.

One grand. One thousand dollars to the winner.

I ain’t kidding. The winner gets a thousand dollars… AMERICAN!

And a free blowjob from Torch Lounge act Mallory Mahling. Don’t ask HOW Widro managed that trick.

No, seriously… a THOUSAND dollars!!!

This ain’t the usual IWC bullshit. We’re looking at things a wee bit differently.

Register now!

A FEW GOOD MEN

WWE Films is moving full steam ahead with The Marine starring John Cena as a Marine who comes home to find his lady has been kidnapped by terrorists… or ARE they terrorists? Perhaps they are just suave, European THIEVES????

Meanwhile, Randy Orton is about to get SHOVED on the fast track to super-stardom with a HUGE upcoming win over Chris Benoit at SummerSlam

Two careers, one WWE mission: Make more Rocks.

The Rock is an anomoly. A once in a lifetime freak of nature who has really crossed over from rasslin’ to Hollywood. Something Hulk Hogan NEVER could really do. The Rock casn never step foot on WWE programming again and he’s all set. The WWE knows this, they know that the time is fast coming (if not here already) where the Rock will be forgotten as a wrestler and fully embraced as a movie star.

So they’re gonna make a few new ones, and have targeted Orton and Cena as the most likelys.

Here’s the thing, as far as I’m concerned: I saw The Rundown in the theater, then I saw it on Christmas in a hotel room, then I recently ordered it on PPV. No real reason, I didn’t even particularly LIKE the flick. And I’m not the biggest Rock fan. I like the guy plenty, have ZERO problems with him, but I’m not a HUGE fan.

But the sumbitch got me to pay for his flick THREE TIMES.

That, my friends, is a star.

The Rock projects friendliness. Girls want to bang him and guys want to have a beer with him. He’s charismatic and charming. He belongs up there on screen.

Cena, I’m not so sure about.

In the ring, the Rock was every bit his self-generated hype suggested. He is electrifying. He knows how to put on an awesome match, knows how to tell a story. Jesus, he worked his ass off and made GOLDBERG look good! He also helped Hulk Hogan deliver his last truly great match. He knows the beats, knows what needs to be done, and does it with STYLE. You pay good money for a Rock match and you usually NEVER walk away feeling shortchanged.

Orton, the jury is still out.

Three times I paid to see The Rundown, and it wasn’t even that good! The Marine doesn’t even sound all that interesting.

Then again… listen carefully and you can still hear chants from fans from a long time ago… Die Rocky, die… Die Rocky die.

So who knows.

There was nothing newsy about this news story. I want you to know that I know this.

JUSTIN NOOVERTIME

A few weeks ago I promised an update on whatever happened to former ECW champ, former Clique waterboy, all around solid worker Justin Credible!

Well here’s the sad truth… for a few weeks last spring he was an overnight stock boy… ahem, an OVERNIGHT STOCK BOY at Target in Middleton, New Jersey.

And he wasn’t shy. He used to bring in action figures of himself to impress the execs.

This lasted a month, then he was seen at a Gold’s Gym in Middleton… working out? Well, probably for free, but after he vacuumed the rugs and cleaned the machines.

This is first hand info… from “Jeff”, who worked at Target during Peter Polaco’s month-long tenure.

This is the state of the business. The bigs don’t want you and the Indys don’t pay enough. Food must be bought, mortages must be met, children must be clothed, and bills must be paid. You do what’cha gotta do.

And the times just aren’t hard on Credible… OTHER stars have to make do with lesser roles to make the coin:

-One Man Gang is a prison guard… inmates gawk at him and say, “N**ga, you ain’t no African Dream!!”

-Tito Santana runs a brothel in Tijuana… named, “ARRUBBA YOU”

-Kevin Sullivan is a roadie for the thrash metal band “Satan’s Clit”

-“Leapin'” Lanny Poffo is a towel boy for a “Men’s Social Club” in San Francisco

-Robert Feinstein mops floors at a day care center

-Owen Hart is on the night shift at Tim Horton’s in downtown Calgary

-Ahmed Johnson is scaring white people.

-Paul Orndorff as a Blackjack dealer in Reno

-Missy Hyatt hunts down rich guys and bangs them until they find a strange rash on their penises, then she moves on

-Joel Gertner lives in his car… a GEO, for goddsakes!!

Now, I’m all for throwing a few jokes in here about Credible, but I won’t… no, not out of sympathy (although I AM sympathetic), but because the message board where I initially found this news story really worked him over… here’s a taste:

“Justin Credible works at Target in Hazlet , NJ unloading boxes and doing stock work. Its the Target on Highway 35 in Hazlet, NJ. See how far he has fallen from ECW World champion to WWE superstar to stock boy at Targets”

“I saw him once in the bedding section practing wrestling moves with a pillow”

“He needs a job to pay for his crack habit the skinny, junkie bucked tooth f*ck.”

“i went there and no way was justin credible stocking shelves HE WAS SWEEPING UP LIKE A JANITOR!”

“$5.75 per hr. thats what justin credible is worth these days.”

“JUSTIN CREDIBLE DID WORK THERE BUT GOT FIRED FOR FALLING ASLEEP IN THE STOCK ROOM WHILE HE WAS WORKING THE OVERNIGHT SHIFT!
CREDIBLE IS VERY LUCKY TARGET DOESN’T DRUG TEST ITS EMPLOYESS OR HE WOULD NEVER HAVE GOTTEN THE JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE!”

“Justin Credible was fired from Target and works as a bus boy at Hardees now.”

Then, who should pipe into this thread but Chris Candido, who scolded these evil people:

“i havent posted on here in a while, but this subject forces me to.i’ve been friends with pj for a long time, and even though we havent seen each other since march still consider him such.i dont know if this rumor is true,but if it is,i’d like to know what jobs you guys are holding down that makes it cool to say something about him.this is a tough business,and with the state its in now,its not always a profitable one.as someone who blew money like it was going out of style,and then lost even more in my helping out ecw venture,i know money goes fast.pete,tammy and i once were bored in quebec so we walked around a mall looking for fur coats!and ended up only buying $300 sunglasses–out of being bored.instead of making a joke out of it, i commend pete for being a man and not letting his ego get in the way of supporting his family.the man has a wife and 2 kids guys,he is just being a man and taking care of his responcibilities.maybe,like me,pete made some bad career and life choices,but he is simply doing the right thing. his kids are gonna need cars,college,etc.”

So, of course, Candido was toasted:

“hey candido why dont you just come right and ask if they have another stock boy opening for you?”

“Please someone have my son Chris apply for the same job as Mr Credible at Target.Im sick of him living off my income.” (from someone who signed on as C Candido’s Mother)

“Good God, Candido, your life is a god-damned mess. The only saving grace about you is that you and Tammy were smart enough not to have kids so you couldn’t f*ck up their lives any worse than your own!”

“Its amazing how Candido and Tammy can say anything about anything! Your right thank f*cking god that whore Tammy never had a baby or the poor kid whould be strung out and f*cked up! To bad Justin Credibles wife couldnt be as smart!”

“Who the f*ck are Chris and Tammy to say anything other then pass the blunt!”

Moral of the story… actually, there are two of them: 1- SAVE YOUR MONEY and 2- Net fans will kick you on your way up, and kick you harder on your way down.

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF THE FUTURE EX MRS. TRISH HYATTE

The ever-lovely, ever-versatile, NON-PORN MAKING Trish Stratus will be hosting/performing with an Improv group in Toronto this Thursday. Flexing her funny bone in a live, unscripted series of skits and hilarious sketches… many of them involve dopey Canadian funny-men trying to hit on her for HIGH-LARIOUS comic results.

Here’s all the info you need.

However, being the top-notch Rasslin’ reporter that I am (and Meltzer can CHUG me), I happened to have gotten hold of her opening stand-up set! See, like Saturday Night Live, the “Host” of this evening at the Improv show must welcome the audience and crack them up with a few minutes of jokes, just to get the ready and to show that she is worthy of being there! Well, here’s what Henny Stratus will be doing to get YOU ready FOR HYSTERICS!!

How are ya, eh? How are ya, eh?, How are ya, eh? Just a minute, I have a few more how are ya, ehs!

Wow, great crowd, great crowd! I haven’t seen such a great house since… Jesus, I can’t remember that far back! Damn you Vince!

Now I know I’m stacked with a million dollar body, but I only like guys with sharp minds, a dazzling sense of humor, and all their teeth! So 99% of you hosers are out of luck!

Oh I’m just teasing. See, in wrestling I’m the Heel, the bad girl. This means I get to sneer, make fun, and mock your imperfections! So basically, it’s like High School all over again!

And yes, I’m a wrestler, a WWE Superstar. Now I don’t want to say that wrestlers are dumb, but at least once a month someone in the locker room asks me, “Trish, why did you blade your crotch?”

And I know, wrestling is totally ILLOGICAL! I mean, give me a break. The sport has people being thrown to the ropes, bouncing off, and running back at their opponents… as if they couldn’t stop! “Oh no, inertia! I CAN’T STOP!”

It’s a stupid business! Like, whenever someone lifts me for a bodyslam, they have their hands on my crotch and my head in theres… like, HELLO, why drop me, let’s hang and see what happens, you know?

People always ask if I’m a lesbian! Like, how dumb is that? Just because I spend every night rolling around the ring grappling with an impossibly hot girl doesn’t mean that I… I… *sniff sniff* anyone smell tuna? (looks down) Oh wait, it’s just me. Tee hee

Boy I’m glad to be back in the homeland. Usually I’m in America. I hate American men with their cheesy come-ons. “What’s your sign?”, “You must have a mirror in your pants because I can totally see myself in them”, “I have money and clean apartment”.. Jesus, Canadian men have the best lines! “Wanna go for a ride in my beater?”, “There’s a chinhook in my pants and you’re invited!”, “I wanna high stick you and get into your penalty box!” You know, the classics!

Now I know you see me and think I get a lot of sex, but truth is, I haven’t been laid in years! Every time someone jumps on me they hit my tits and bounce off out of the bed and sometimes clear out of the room! I’ve knocked out more men than Lennox Lewis!

So I’m here to say once and for all that wrestling is NOT fake! I mean, do I look fake? Okay, the hair is dyed… and this is my third nose… and the teeth are… and of course I haven’t seen my toes since Alanis was shagging Dave Coulier… and I’ve had so much lipo I have a lifetime contract with the folks at Hoover… and WELL WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT!!! THANK YOU ALL!

Didn’t say she was FUNNY… just, interesting.

I wish her best of luck! She’ll be great!

I KNOW WHAT YOU WATCHED LAST WEEKEND

Included are NO reviews until the Pulse decides to do them! Which helps ME out huge because MAN, was linking all those 411 reviews a pain in the ass? JESUS, YES!!!

1) Collateral: $24.4 million opening weekend. I saw this movie! Everything rocked until the last twenty minutes. And Jamie Foxx is one UGLY black man. I’m sorry, but the boy is FOUL.

How did Cruise create this hitman character? He just copied the guy he hired to whack all those tabloid writers who have stumbled on the REAL reason he refuses to procreate and had Nicole Kidman so frustrated she banged half of Hollywood during their marriage.

Here’s a hint… it involves a LOT of Ex-Lax

2) The Village: $16.5 million ($85.7 million total). I saw this movie too! I can’t say it’s a BAD movie… but it’s the type of flick you only need to see once… but that one time there is a scene that WILL make your PULSE quicken!!! Then, after the movie you’ll think, “Jeeze, the first two parts of this movie is almost exactly like Signs“… and you will be right, my friends… oh yes, you wiull be right.

3) The Bourne Supremacy: $14.1 million ($123.3 million total) Why didn’t the Goverment just send TOM CRUISE to whack Matt Damon??? Jamie Foxx could’a been there to goof on white boys for cheap laughs!!!

Of course, because once Cruise cornered Damon, they’d just holster their guns and spend all night talking about how many actresses (and ACTORS) they banged, how great it is being impossibly hott, and where to score the cheapest Ex-Lax without those bastard paparazzi catching wind.

4) The Manchurian Candidate: $10.8 million ($38.5 million total) I’m sorry, but when Denzel sang “My Way” mid-way through the movie, then demanded that Jilly go get him some smokes and “some cheap floozy”, I completely lost it… THAT is METHOD ACTING, people! Homeboy was TOTALLY lost in the role!

5) Little Black Book: $7 million opening weekend. Define Owned: When asked to comment about her ex-fiance, Ashton Kutcher’s new romance with Demi Moore last year on the Letterman show, cute as hell Brittany Murphy said, “I think it’s great! He’s clearly showing that age doesn’t matter and she’s clearly saying that SIZE doesn’t matter!” That, my friends… is OWNED!!

In other entertainment news… in case you didn’t hear: The BIGGEST show on network TV, CSI, recently welcomed back fired for being greedy cast members Jorja Fox and Nick Eads, which, of course, all but PROVES my long-standing motto: You don’t f*ck with Les Moonves. You… just…. don’t.

THE LAST COREY STANDING

Then it was the 80’s… ahh good times.

Bitch please, the 80’s sucked. Music was lame, movies were lame, TV was lame, and sex was REALLY lame because no one wanted to mess up their heavily sprayed and gelled hair!

The 80’s were ALSO known for one thing… The COREYS!!!

Two young muffins, both named Corey, best friends, made a lot of movies together, had their PICK of hot Hollywood puddin’… had the world by the shorthairs! Were SUPERSTARS! Tiger Beat couldn’t get enough of them!

There was COREY FELDMAN… a toad-like little man, star of such 80’s films as Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (HA), Gremlins, Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, The Goonies, Stand By Me, The Lost Boys, License To Drive, The ‘burbs, Dream A Little Dream, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (voice of “Donatello”), and Blown Away. He is also known for being a pal of Michael Jackson, dying his hair a million different colors, dressing like a moron and thinking he’s cool, being a damn straight up HORRIBLE actor while bitching that Matt Damon stole all his roles, lying about his age, being a member of the show The Surreal Life without ANY shame, and dealing with a major drug problem. Oh, and he makes bad music. Feldman was, quite frankly, the bitch of the two. All eyes looked at the OTHER Corey as the star of the two… the one with the FUTURE.

COREY HAIM… an ADORABLE little muffin man. Cuter than Cabbage Patch Kid. Nice smile that made all the pre-teens wet. He starred in such 80’s films as First Born, Silver Bullet, Murphy’s Romance, Lucas, The Lost Boys, License To Drive, Watchers, Dream A Little Dream, and Blown Away. He is also known for bitching about his major drug problem for the last 15 years and ending up pretty penniless and living with Mom in L.A. And with Dad in Canada. Yet, Haim was THE Corey… Feldman was too damn freaky and arrogant and, all around gross to be anything else but second fiddle.

So now, 15 years later, with the release of The Lost Boys on DVD, the Coreys re-united at various… umm… parties to celebrate the movie’s release.

Who’s the femmy fat guy next to Corey Feldman?

Furthermore, when you drug your ass out of Hoillywood, apparently you also lose access to their top notch Dental Plan. Jeeze, I haven’t seen teeth that yellow since Gramma used to take hers out before she blew me.

And to all coke users, please note… when your nose evenutally collapses, the Plastic Surgeon won’t necessarily make it BETTER…

And is he smiling? Or sobbing internally?

So, against all odds: FELDMAN WINS!! FELDMAN WINS!!!

Who would’a thunk it? The guy DOES look like a friggin’ toad.

Sucks getting old, don’t it?

MORE OF THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF THE EX-FAKE MRS TRISH HYATTE

Actually, this has absolutley nothing to do with her…

As you hopefully read last week in the last 41… something column (kid, I joke!!), I BROKE THE STORY that it actually was NOT Trish Stratus in that Trish Stratus porn mo but it was Rebecca Wild, a scary look-a-like.

Story done? Well, almost… just this little p.s.

As I said in that column, this was a clip from a real porn movie. If Stratus was going to be caught bumping uglies on film, it would strictly be a home movie type of deal. This was a real scene from a “real” movie.

(well, as real as PORN movies get)

Now, I’m sure SOME of you might like to see this great work of… well, art, but who wants to use LimeWire or some other share programs and catch 39 viruses and enough spy bots to start a cold war on your hard drive? Luckily for you, Hyatte’s here to tell you the movie that you can rent AND/OR buy that feautures this not-quite but almost Trish Stratus scene!

Title: Sex Commandos

Starring: Stacey Valentine, Angelica Sin (In a Non-Sex role), Brandon Iron, Christi Lake (Bald), Emily Jewel, Flower (Lesbian only), John Strong, Julian, Kelsey Hart (Lesbian only), and Rebecca Wild

Produced: VCA 1998

Plot: (according to the reader who sent this info to me, and whom I’m sure wouldn’t want his name mentioned): Basically the premise is the bad guys have this hate spray and the good girls have this “love spray” that makes people horny. So they sneak up on unsuspecting men in red berets and spray them and have sex with them. After a
romp, this guy keeps hounding Stacy Valentine I belive, don’t hold me to it, but she figures up a plan! She finds the evil lady and sprays her! Then, since both converted evil people are horny, they go at it like animals. There’s a funny scene where the bad people almost defeat the good people and have everyone hostage. The two mentioned aren’t even handcuffed like the others as they are still going at it on a table oblivious to the world around them.

See, no Trish Stratus in SIGHT!

Hate spray… love spray… sh’yeah, like Stratus would demean herself by taking part in such silly, inane, child-like plots.

So go see where this mini-brouhaha (that would’ve died quietly weeks ago were it not for me 🙂 ) about a WWE Diva doing porn got started… screw Collateral and go rent Sex Commandos instead!!

Oh, and for my money, the hottest porn slut EVER is Cassidey…. Jesus Christ I’d do her even if she had AIDS.

HHHOLLYWOOD

One of the 411 writers I personally told Widro to bring aboard is none other than the very dependable BEN MORSE… because I happen to beleive there is a HUGE comic book geek audience just DYING for a reliable site with fast, no-bullshit comic news stories. I’ve sniffed around, most of the regular comic-sites are stuffed with nonsense and the reader looking for news has to hunt around for hours.

Anyway, Morse was at the San Diego Comic Convention a few weeks ago. The SDCC is a HUGE annual gathering for comic, movie, television fans to get together, talk to people, buy comics, and see some huge stars come out to sell their wares.

Well, Morse attended a special panel for the movie Blade: Trinity starring Wesley Snipes and Triple H Helmsley!! And Jessica Biel in a variety of tank tops. And Kris Kristopherson (sic, like I care) in a variety of drunken states.

Well, one mark raised his chubby hand and asked the flick writer/director, one David Goyer, about how horrible was Triple H on set? How much POLITICAL BACKSTABBING did he conduct on set? DID THE GREAT WESLEY SNIPES GET AN UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL LOOK AT THE GLASS CEILING??????

Goyer made the following responses:

Triple H is one of the nicest and funniest guys I’ve ever worked with. He had such a great sense of humor that we ended up writing a lot more lines in for his characters, mostly comedic ones.”

I was worried he’d have a big ego, because he’s in a big star in ‘his world,’ so I told him the first day that he was not the star of this movie and would have to be a team player, but he was totally fine with it and we didn’t have any problems after.

One day he was doing a fight scene and ended up getting a small cut on his forehead. The medical staff ran in and he freaked out saying ‘No! This is nothing! If the other guys in WWE hear that I needed medical attention for something as small as this I’ll be ruined!

Goyer also hinted that Hunter also worked very closely with Jessica Biel… with many long… private rehearsals in his trailer, which was odd since they hardly share any screen time together.

Triple H was also very friendly towards his co-workers. He came up to me in private and said ‘Jessica has the prettiest face I’ve ever come across.’ How cool is that?

Anyway, all this leads me to the following BEAUTIFUL seque….
.

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing that I have decided on this, a brand new, ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Pulssy, who has never done anything for anyone”¦ and probably a fan of Ring of Honor too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because”¦

*I don’t see any movie director kissing YOUR ass, dickhead!

THIS HAS BEEN “TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU””¦ STARRING TRIPLE H! WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

DOING LINES: CAUGHT ON FILM

Yeah, I took this with me too.

As a special treat, I decided to have a little fun and shove in nothing but lines from the James Bond franchise! Screw it… why not! So below are some good cuts from a wide variety of Bond flicks during it’s thrity year history. Connery is in the house, Moore is in the house, the other guy is in the house, Brosnon is in the house.

TIMOTHY DALTON IS IN THE HOUSE!!!

WOODY ALLEN IS IN THE HOUSE!!!!

GENE “THE FUCK” HACKMAN IS IN THE HOUSE!!!!

Oh… no he isn’t… my bad.

01): My dear, uncooperative Domino.

How do you know that? How do you know my friends call me Domino?

It’s on the bracelet on your ankle.

So… what sharp little eyes you’ve got.

Wait ’til you get to my teeth.Thunderball

02): She likes you, I can see it.

You must give me the name of your oculist.On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

03): The satellite is now over… Kansas. Well, if we blow up Kansas the world may not hear about it for years.Diamonds Are Forever

04): It is important to keep a positive mental attitude.

Nothing more practical than that?

Food is also very important.

Mmmhmmm. What else?

When necessary, shared bodily warmth.

That’s the part I like.The Spy Who Loved Me

05): You’re crazy. You are absolutely crazy!

People called Einstein crazy.

That’s not true. No one ever called Einstein crazy.

Well, they would have if he’d carried on like this.Casino Royale

06): What are you going to do to me?

Physically, nothing, Mr. Bond.

Ah, so you’re going to nothing me to death.Casino Royale

07): Mr. Wallace, call the President. Tell him if he doesn’t sign the bill lowering the cable rates, we will release the video of him with the cheerleader in the Chicago motel room.

Inspired, sir.

And after he signs the bill, release the tape anyway.

Consider him slimed.Tomorrow Never Dies

08): Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls?

You think we better, huh?

No, just different. Like Peking Duck is different from Russian Caviar.

Darling, I give you very best duck.You Only Live Twice

09): Rule number one: never do anything yourself when someone else can do it for you.

And rule two?

Rule number two: in Japan, men come first, women come second.

I just might retire hereYou Only Live Twice

10): In my business you prepare for the unexpected.

And what business is that?

I help people with problems.

Problem solver.

More of a problem eliminator.License To Kill

11): Too many free radicals. That’s your problem.

“Free radicals,” sir?

Yes. They’re toxins that destroy the body and the brain, caused by eating too much red meat and white bread and too many dry martinis!

Then I shall cut out the white bread, sir.Never Say Never Again

12): I send you to a health farm to get yourself in shape! Instead you DEMOLISH it! Now I’ve had to notify the local police, get a minister to muzzle the press, and allocate a sizable chunk of my meager budget to renovating the establishment!

A man DID try to kill me, sir.

Oh! Caught you seducing his wife, did he?

No, sir, not at all. But, in fact, I did lose 4 lbs. And God knows how many free radicals.

That is the kind of attitude that tempts me to suspend you, 007!Never Say Never Again

13): It’s activated by nerve impulses from the wrist muscles.– Q

Like this?– Bond

(The dart nails a painting on M’s wall)

Oh, thank you, 007!– M

Be careful, will you? Ten darts: five blue-tipped, five red-tipped – cyanide coating, causing death in thirty seconds.– Q

Very novel, Q. Must get them in the stores for Christmas.– Bond: Moonraker

14): You don’t like me, Bond. You don’t like my methods. You think I’m an accountant, a bean counter who’s more interested in my numbers than your instincts.

The thought had crossed me.

Good, because I think you’re a sexist, misogynist dinosaur. A relic of the Cold War, who’s boyish charms, though wasted on me, obviously appealed to the young lady I sent out to evaluate you.

Point taken.GoldenEye

15): My dear girl, there are some things that just aren’t done, such as drinking Dom Perignon ’53 above the temperature of 38 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s just as bad as listening to the Beatles without earmuffs!Goldfinger

And now… that boor, deadass Eric Bana gets to take over…

Oh joy.

Plus, I think he’s a little… errm…. fruity… only REAL men should play James Bond… like Sean Connery and Roger Moo… umm… hmm… yeah.

Moving on…

As a special bonus, I decided to suck up to the illiterate open mouth-chewers out there and SKIP the Book Club selection until this week. Instead of giving you a book to read, enjoy, and perhaps LEARN FROM, I thought I’d keep things nice and disgustingly sick…

HOW TO BE A PLAYA, OR COMPETE WITH ONE

I know you kids are a bit… shy around girls. Can’t blame ya’, I know what you look like… ewww, gross man.

But seriously, part of your problem is that you’re nervous… TERRIFIED that you’ll be laughed at… right out of the sack. Your greatest fear is that she’ll fake a few grunts, then say, “Well, that was… umm… oh look at the time, gotta go!”.

Well help is here…

After exhaustingly racking my brain, then doing a quick google search, I hunted down some great techniques to help YOU, Cherry Boy, become the MACKIEST of ALL Mack Daddys! Plus I made a few new ones up, just for the hell of it.

Ready?

1: The Dirty Sanchez: I know, you know this one already, but just in case you weren’t quite sure, here it is. A: You’re doing her from behind, getting a good rythm going. B: Stick your finger in her anus and twirl it around, she’ll actually get off on it. C: Then pull out your finger and reach over her back towards her head. D: Reach around and draw a brown mustache on her face with your finger. E: If you’re feling really cruel, then stick the finger in her mouth for a good cleaning!

2: The Camel Clutch: A: Your doing her from behind. B: You reach over with both hands and cup them under her clin. C: You rear back screaming, “EERAN, NUMBER ONE! USA *HACK PTOOIE” and hock a big loogie on her back. D: Do not let go until her father runs in and throws in the towel!

3: The Dutch Oven: A: Your on top of her, under the sheets, enjoying a nice, relaxing tumble. B: Fart as hard and loud as you can. C: Thow the sheet over your heads so you can both enjoy the odor of nature! D: As she gags you giggle like an imbecile.

4: The Angry Pirate: An old fave of mine. A: She’s blowing you on her knees while you’re standing. B: You announce you’re about to blow and pull out. She bares her chest for you, or hands you a towel. C: You aim and hit her right in the left eye. She stands and while wiping her eye you kick her hard in the shin. D: Laugh hysterically as she chases you around the room with one eye closed and a limp — like a Pirate. “ARRGH, YA BASTARD!! ARRRGH

5: The Mummy: A, B, and C are the same as with the Angry Pirate, except you hit a goosher in BOTH eyes. D: Take a scarf you had nearbye for this D: Laugh hysterically as she walks slowly around the room with both hands out, blindly looking to kill you — like a Mummy

6: The Fire Hydrant: A: After you’ve finished with the girl, leave your rubber inside, marking your territory for all the other assholes who come by

7: The Autograph: A: You’ve got her from behind and having a nice time. B: Take a magic marker and sign her back. Leave messages for her friends, her husband, her parents, whoever.

8: The Online Stud-Monkey: Get a girl to blow you while you flirt with your other girlfriends online.

9: The Hot Tag: A: Take your best friend who badly needs pussy and hide him in your closet. B: Take your girlfriend in your room and get her going. C: Flip her over and go to town. D: Mid-way, get your friend out of the closet and “hot tag” him. “Hot Tag” out for the big finish.

10: The Jerry Lawler: A: Ask how old she is. B: When she gives her age, say “No, you’re 17“. C: She says, “No, I’m… ” however old she is. D: Keep hitting her with fistdrops until she says she’s 17. (Note, only works with women 25 and up)

11: The Exorcism: A: Just as you’re about to come, pull out, rip off the rubber and violently shake your pecker at her face, jerking it so you’re throwing your come on her. B: Scream, “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!” as you splatter semen all over her. C: She’ll be so mad/outraged it’ll be almost like she’s screaming in Demonic pain.

12: The Tom Sawyer: A: Get a girl with a clit ring, or talk her into one B: under the promise of something real kinky, take a rope and tie it to her clit ring. C: Tie the other one to a doorknob of an OPEN door. D: Start banging her stupid. E: Just as you’re about to blow, have a friend sneak in and SLAM the door shut, yanking the rope tight and doing all sorts of damage to her clit F: As she screams in agony and looks for something to stab you with, jump out the window and run like Injun Joe is chasing you!

There you go… 12 ways that can improve your sex life, your esteem, and your LIFE! Man, I should give Advice on a regular basis!

Oh wait a second, I DO!! This Thursday!

In fact if you sent in some questions and haven’t seen an answer, send them again… I uh… I think I lost them.

On Thursday, umm… FLEA! Sarah Michele Gellar! This! That! These! Those!

Stuff.

And Vince McMahon? Heh… maaaaaaaaybe.

Next week, the SummerSlam Mop-Up.

I TOLD you…. same shit, different site. The creative well ran dry YEARS ago.

This is Hyatte