The Midnight News 08.16.04

hyatte- i no understand the tom cruise/exlax thing..please explain to me..
thanks

nick

And you will continue to no understand. Mr. Cruise has an army of lawyers he pays to do nothing but scour the Internet looking for inflammatory comments about him.

Dear Hyatte: You are a buffoon when it comes to talking about wrestling. You are a clueless, biased idiot that has absouletly no knowledge of the wrestling world. You are misinformed and have no substansial evidence when it comes to “reporting” I don’t know what to make of you. You are an IDIOT !!!!

Larry Tenalanda

And you, sir, have no substansial evidence proving that I am an idiot… I find YOUR reporting clueless and biased and YOU have absouletly no knowledge of spellcheck!

So there.

How do. I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. Posted nowhere near midnight and with very little news. The biggest hypocricy going today!!

Something different this week… after the plugs, I’m doing a SummerSlam Mop-Up. I have no clue if it’ll be any good, but it’ll be long… long, long, LONG.

Anyway, be on the look-out for obscure references from old Mop-Ups that most of you won’t get because you weren’t even around back then… so you’ll be nice and totally lost… then you’ll start whining about how I’m not covering the MATCH and how I’m droning on and on forever!

Which will be PARTICULARY frustrating to you because you’ll be looking for that damn trivia question that’ll score you $1’000 cash. Oh yeah, it’s in there… and I’m gonna make you WORK for it! You’ll have to actively HUNT the answer down… you bastards.

Also, I’ve BURIED it in here… and there will be NO announcement… somewhere in this monster Mop-Up will be a question, just plopped right in… if you “Control F” and type trivia, you won’t get anywhere near the question! I’m gonna make you SWEAT FOR THAT G-NOTE, MUTHAPHUKKA!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

This ain’t for some lame ass t-shirt or for a column… nor is this for the glory of being a stupid trivia question/song parody “Internet Idol” winner (the Torch’s Pat McNeil’s grand scheme, that he didn’t run again after I harrassed him about it), this is for real money! Hard cash!

And when you find the trivia question… and then find the answer, GO HERE AND LISTEN TO WIDRO’S INSTRUCTIONS. This is the only place I will announce this… now it’s all up to you to read and find the question.

Ready? Then let’s get a move on…

BUT, PLUGS

There was a Thursday Midnight News and it was gangbusters! It had hilarity, Mark Madden, Advice, and a lot of Pedofilia! Yes it did! Read it twice.

Then read Flea’s column, it’s as close to the guy I talk to over the phone as he has ever gone. In other words, it makes almost zero sense yet you can’t help but keep reading.

That’s it… .

SUMMERSLAM (or Can’t Canadians do ANYTHING right?)

-opens with a video montage featuring Rush’s Summertime Blues… Rush… they use Rush for the show’s theme… Rush.

-Friggin’ RUSH.

-And it wasn’t even a good Rush song… they could’ve gone totally Canadian and used Geddy Lee’s duet with Bob & Doug McKenzie, Take Off.

-TAKE OFF!!! TO THE GREAT WHITE NORRTH!! TAKE OOOOFF!! IT’S A BEAUTY WAY TO GO! TAKE OOOOOFF TO THE GREAT WHITE NORTH!!!!

-KOO ROO KOO KOO KOO KOO KOOO KOOOOOOO KO ROO KOO KOO KOO KOO KOOOO KOOOOOOO!! Aw beauty go!!

-Trust me, I know shit… Geddy Lee’s cure for the Summertime Blues is a big black saugage up his great white ass.

-Love the graphics tho’

-This is SummerSlam in Toronto, Canada. Didn’t Sars wipe this place out yet? And how about them Blue Jays?? HAR!! You’re letting the DEVIL RAYS beat your ass??? The D-RAYS???

-Heh… HA!

-Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler welcome us. Lawler shows off his freshly dyed hair. Is that a dangling forelock (with a mind of its own) on his forehead or is he just sweating out the shoe polish? I say a little bit from column A and a little bit from column B

-The Spanish announce team act too damn happy to be there. I think Hugo screamed, “Shit ni*ga, es cold in this bitch” in Espanish… but I can’t tell.

-Michael Cole told Taz that the cure for the Summertime Blues is HOT WRESTLING ACTION!! Taz reached for his razor blades and started to hack at his wrists.

-Spike Dudley leads his brothers out Buh Buh Ray is wearing his bandana backwards with the ends hanging over his eyes. Man, he so street!

-Meanwhile, when asked for comment, the street said, “Who does this white bitch think he is? M. C. Hammer?”

-When also asked for comment, Rick James said, “Man I don’t have time for this, I can’t score any good crack up here in hell! Help a brother out and Fed Ex some rock down here, will ya?”

-Buh Buh tripped on the ropes as he entered. That’s what happenes when you wear your bandanna backwards! You trip over shit and then end up getting shot to death in Vegas in a car with Suge Knight.

-Rey Mysterio’s music plays… everyone waits for him to leap out from the stage. So he saunters out with Kidman and London. He flips Canada the finger and shouts, “QUIERO MI CHORIZON, AMIGOS!!” Heh, Rey just told Canada to want his chorizon. I love that little bugger!

-Paul London? Who?

-Kidman grabs Rey and says, “Remember the good ol’ days when Hogan refused to sell for me and Nash used to toss you around like a bag of Fritos? Never thought I’d miss those days.” Rey nodded, “Si, Amigo… remember my horns! My HORNS???”

-The match begins… Cole sends his thoughts and prayers to the victims of Hurricane Charlie! Of which I have a nice update: Flea, who lives in Orlando and was caught right IN THE PATH OF CHARLIE’S DESTRUCTION is pleased to report that his Hash Pipe is SAFE AND SOUND! His daughter is missing, but the pipe is found! Flea 1, Charlie 00!

-London’s got some moves! He’s also got the type of hair that the chicks love!

-Spike is playing up the wannabe tough guy who hides behind his bigger brothers. That pretty much sums up about 80% of the male population in my state, which is the same state Spike is from… what I’m saying is that he didn’t have to go Method to get this role down pat, yo.

-Buh Buh yelled, “I’LL BEAT YOUR FACE IN” to one of the pretty boys. The funny part is that Kidman laughed and said, “Go for it porky, I’ll still get to buttf*ck Torrie!” Then London laugh and said, “Me too!! HA!

-Rey is HOT TAGGED IN and, much like every female in his familia, proceeds to CLEAN HOUSE!!!

-Kidman and London get in on the fun to dazzle the Dudleys with high spots… IT’S THE SECOND HOUR OF NITRO ALL OVER AGAIN AND THE LUCHADORS ARE TAKIN’ CARE OF BIZNESS!!!

-Then a naked Juventud Guerrero runs in and starts screaming, “THE COLORS, ESE, LOOK AT THE COLORS!!!” (I hardly get that one m’self)

-Mysterio with the 619!!

-Kidman climbs the top rope, screams, “LESNAR CAN GO F*CK HIMSELF!!” and hands in a Shooting Star Press

-Rey jumps at D-Von from the top rope to the ring apron. D-Von sashays to the side. Rey shouts “AW CHINGA ME!” and crashes.

-Taz, the prophet that he is, says, “Aw man, London has GOT to be out!”… I give him about 3 more months… heh.

-You DO realize, of course, that London is there because AJ Styles would rather work one day a week and spoent the rest of his time painting houses.

-In the middle of a ring in the middle of Toronto CANADA, a big fat Aryan white boy and a righteous, proud Black man beat up a Jewish guy and then lets the skinny, cocky white Catholic nerd pin him. Canada, you have just received the ULTIMATE lesson in the American Way! yeah, that pretty much TOTALLY sums us up!

-Dudleys win… Mysterio is left out to dry… and somewhere in the bowels of the Columbian jungle… the “Dios Poppi” has gathered his brood around the small tv screen… and through the jungles, laughter can be heard… laughter, mi amigos!! Laughter of the Cartel… The LAUGHTER OF THE VILLANO!!!!!

-And the rivers do run rojo this night, my friends! And the streets of Toronto are powdered BLANCA! As Villano XXVI (Chaos Bringer) walks the streets with the powder of the GRINGOS in his hand!! AH YES, HOW’S IT GOING, ESE!!

-The Familia never dies, they just had to wait for this SARS crap cleared up before they crossed into the Tundra

-Lawler and Ross recap the Lita/Kane/Matt Love Pentagram

-Lita comes to the ring… Esse Rios jumps the guard rail and starts to scream, “I HAVEN’T WORKED SINCE THE 90’S!!! COULDN’T YOU ASK VINCE TO MAKE THE KID MINE???” You never saw a pregnant chick run away so fast.

-Matt Hardy comes out… he’s having a tough week… first he pissed off the company by admitting that he’s due for knee surgery, then he got into an argument with someone on the Internet with the ridiculous name “Asteroid Boy” (well, come ON, dude)… then he realized that since “Asteroid Boy” is on the same site I was on not too long ago, there was, like NO coverage about it from the so-called “legit” IWC folks… (what, you kids thought I was lying? These assholes avoid anything I’m associated with like the PLAGUE!)

-Kane came out. Lord help me, he does look like a Mongoloid.

-Hardy went on the ATTACK by working on Kane neck and shoulder blades!

-Hardy CONTINUED THE ATTACK with a flurry of high-end moves that would’ve put Zack Gowan out cold within 10 seconds!

-Kane ain’t Zack Gowan. One punch and Matt went down faster than my Mom during shore leave

-Lita spent much of the match leaning hard against the ring… she knows she’s supposed to be a cheerleader but Jesus, that belly harness is frickin’ HEAVY!!

-Hardy blasts Kane with the Twist of Fate. Ross screams, “IF HE DID IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING, KANE WOULD BE PINNED!!!” then Ross muttered, “f*ckhead”

-Kane makes it back in. Lita grabs the ring bell and tosses it in the ring. I think she started screeching “QUE HORA QUE HORA!” Which, of course, is Spanish for “the Horror, the horror”… many web reviewers would agree.

-Hardy beans Kane with the bell. Kane gets the foot on the ropes

-Kane turns an attempted Top Rope DDT into a Top Rope Chokeslam and subsequently the win.

-Lita is in shock… then walks away. Kane is laughing loudly, mouth wide opened… and follows her. Lita turns. Kane opens his arms out and says, “I’ve got a garden weasel with your name on it, baby!!” Lita runs. Kane laughs more and follows! I lost count of how many dates I’ve been on that ended EXACTLY like this… except I always kept my nunchakus handly to whip at her and trip the girl up… then the fun began… dear god… I’d be a f*ckin virgin if it werent for my nunchakus

-Lita’s child may be from HELL… but rest assured, it is NOT the AntiChrist… there’s a certain former head of WCW security who holds that honor… and he is making his plans… oh yes… he’s collecting unemployment and planning the overthrow of… well… just keep your rosary beads handy, people… the Dark Chyld is plotting his next unHoly strike.

-(that one was STRICTLY for me)

-Randy Orton and John Cena have a small verbal exchange that kicks off the storyline for their main event match at Wrestlemania XXIII. Cena talked so slow I’m not even sure he even rhymed. The guy who held the mic was dressed like Sinatra circa 1975

-Cena called Toronto, “T-Dock”… why?

-Cena asked “T-Dock” if they could here him. The crowd screamed, “HOW’S IT GOING, EH?”

-Cena left, Orton stared at him like, “Ugh, I have to share the future with this douchebag?” then proceeded to cut more of a boring promo.

-Yes, the cutting edge WWE is still pushing RUSH as the theme band for this show.

-Booker T comes out… soon the aisle is littered with wallets from frightened Canadians, “He did time, dear… just give him the money and let’s hope he doesn’t notice our daughter”

-Well, to be fair, Booker is one SCARY mofo.

-Booker is ALSO the only guy from the WCW buy-out who still gets to use his old theme song! No, Flair don’t count.

-Cena comes out to save Canada from the black man! IT TAKES STREET TO FIGHT STREET GODDAMMIT!!!!

-This is the first of a best of five series… which means this match means not a damn thing… NO MATTER HOW TAZ SAYS OTHERWISE!!!

-Cena waves his hands across his face and says “You can’t see me!” Booker pulls out a gun and says, “Then I’ll just keep popping caps ’till I hit yo Houdini ass!” Cena stops waving and says, “Whoa homes! Chill!” Heh… Booker don’t play these dumb ass games.

-You think if Stevie Ray ran in and worked the middle part of the match and no announcer mentioned it, would anyone in the building notice?

-Booker did the Spinerooni and then walked into the F-You and the loss. Cena celebrated, Booker took off to count all this money he found in the aisle.

-Eric Bischoff runs into Teddy Long and goofs on him for being the 4th Smackdown GM in a row… Long calls Bischoff a playa and invites any pissed off Raw worker to come on down to Smackdown and listen to Bob Holly and Billy Gunn whine about how it ain’t the 90’s no more. Long leaves and Eric gives the camera his classic, “Foiled again” grimace.

-We are shown the court where the Diva Dodgeball thing will go down. I smell a Mae Young booby shot coming!!

-Batista comes out. One of the few rasslers who actually dedicates quality gym time to his legs.

-Jericho comes out. Y2J can stand to do some extra sit-ups. Just sayin’

-Edge came out. He starts slappin’ hometown hands, you can here him say, “Howsitgoingeh?Howsitgoingeh?Howsitgoingeh?Howsitgoingeh?Howsitgoingeh?Howsitgoingeh?Howsitgoingeh?Howsitgoingeh?Howsitgoingeh?Howsitgoingeh?Howsitgoingeh?Howsitgoingeh?”.. Man you people are so annoyingly FRIENDLY!!

-Edge hits the ring and smiles at the crowd. Batista nails him from behind! That’s how AMERICA gets things done, dammit!!!

-Ross wastes no time in calling Batista an “Animal”… dammit Jim… he is NOT an animal! He is a MAN!! PRICK HIM, DOES HE NOT BLEED???

-Then Batista chews off the top turnbuckle, sprouts a carpet’s worth of back hair and starts barking, “ROO! ROOO.” Well f*ck me… Ross was right.

-Edge dropkicks Batista… Batista dangles against the ropes then shrugs and says, “Oh I ain’t selling that weak-shit!” So Edge clotheslines him and Batista goes head over feet over the top rope.

-Edge is in the ring alone and the building boos him. Edge stares at them in amazement!

-It’s EDGE FACING OFF WITH JERICHO!!! NOSE TO NOSE! I haven’t seen such an intense face-off since Vince Neil and Sebastian Bach beefed with each other at the Whiskey over who would get to take Bobby Brown home! That no good fagola Bret Michaels snuck out the backdoor with her while they were pulling each other’s hair out.

-Jericho… STILL THE KING OF THE INHUMAN GRUNTS!! “HWWWAUGH!!” MGWUUUUUAH”

-Walls of Jericho! Toronto CHEERS for the Winnipeggan! Edge gets out and shouts, “YOU TRAITOROUS BASTARDS!!”

-Batista is back in and Canada cheers for HIM. Edge shouts, “ARE YOU SHITTING ME????”

-Edge sneaks in a fast Spear on Jericho and retains! Canada cheers. Edge shouts, “TOO LATE NOW, HOSERS! I’M MOVING TO NEWFIE!!!!” Heh, that’s below the belt!

-Here’s your chance to see WM XX again all August long! And now it’ll be SIXTY bucks because you assfaces were so cheap last time around!

-See it for the Goldberg/Lesnar match… it really was the most fascinating match on the whole card.

-BEAUTIFUL video spelling out the story with Eddie and Kurt Angle. “Maybe I can’t beat you without cheatin’, ese… but what if I can?”… that’s intense… that rocked. That’s strong writing there.

-Angle comes out… looking tight and trim and TONE! He’s with Luthor… who looks like he should still be in Kentucky feeding Cornette bananas.

-Eddie Guerrero rolls out in a convertible. Taz openly wonders where in Canada did he find a ride like that. Answer: he didn’t, he drove it from Mexico City… he’s got 6 “friends” armed with forged work Visas and leaf blowers in the trunk! CANADA!! YOU’RE ABOUT THE GET A TASTE OF AMERICAN HELL!!! CHEAP MEXICAN LABOR!!! GOD BLESS EDDIE FOR SPREADING THE WEALTH!!!!!!!!!!

-The bell rings… Angle is ALL business!!

-Angle stops and screams, “MY FINGERS ARE NUMB!!!” The ref says, “Uhh, you gotta wrestle before you get the paycheck, champ!” Angle shakes his hands and pronounces himself cured for the next 15 minutes and the match is ON!!

-crowd chants “ANGLE!”… they are still too traumatized by Booker T to cheer for Eddie.

-They go with hard mat wrestling… Eddie goes to SCHOOL

-Eddie reverses a German Suplex into an Ankle Lock

-Angle rips off his singlet shoulder straps… JUST TWO MINUTES INTO THE MATCH????

-really, Kurt usually saves that move for the last 5 minutes.

-Kurt with the Ankle Lock… Eddie counters with his own… now they are on the mat with ankle locks… in the world of gay foot fetish porn, this is called “DFP”…

-Angle gets on one knee and wrenches with the Ankle Lock. Eddie screams, Angle screams, somewhere in Montreal, dressed in a toga and opened-toe sandals, a lounging Pat Patterson lovingly wiggles his pink toenails and starts singing, “Meeeemories…. like the corners of my miiiiiiiiind… Misty water-colored meeeeeeemories….Of the way we weeeeeeeeeere… of the waaaaay we weeeeere.” Then he noticed a grape wasn’t fully peeled and shoved a flute up Rene Dupree’s ass as punishment.

-Well come on… bombing or not I needed at least ONE Patterson reference.

-Angle started unlacing Eddie’s zapatos. JUST LIKE HOW HE WON THE GOLD!!!

-Luther boots Eddie in the head… which is the only thing he did. There was ZERO reason for him to be out there.

-This match was ALL ANGLE ‘cept for the times Eddie had control.

-heh

-Eddie with the DDT… Angle shouted, “MY FINGERS ARE NUMB AGAIN!” Some guy with a stethoscope wearing a t-shirt that says “Only fags get their necks fused” ran in and jabbed Angle’s neck a few times with a sewing needle. Angle shouts, “I’M HEALED AGAIN!” and got back to work! The guy with the stethoscope and shirt yelled, “Youngblood is full of SHIT!” and took off. I love this company.

-Angle rips off the boot and cranks on the Ankle Lock. Eddie whacks out the ref. Hit Angle and Luther with his zapato. Then fakes being out. That sneaky little…

-And now, my impression of Vince McMahon: ANNOUNCER:

-EDDIE WITH THE FROGSPLASH!!! ONE…. TWO… THREE IT’S OVER!! IT’S OV… oh, wait a minute…

-thank you… thank you… no, please, don’t get up!

-Angle gets the Ankle-Lock in and this time, Eddie taps. Angle wins.

-Eddie was taken to SCHOOL man… totally out-wrestled!

-Angle celebrated, Eddie went backs5tage and told Malenko, “don’t plan on sleeping tonight, ese, you’ll be watching my miserable ass all noche LONG!”

-Jim Ross screams that the next PPV is Raw and it’s in September… unless Stratus personally promises to blow me as a reward, I’ll be skipping this one.

-Video retelling how Hunter loves to use and abuse retards… well shit, the hell else are you gonna do with them?

-HHH comes to the ring… I’m reasonably convinced they had to cut at least one previous match a bit short just so Hunter can have his full entrance in all its glory.

-Eugene comes out… smiles at the crowd, waves, then looks at Hunter, grimaces, points to his head, nods, twists his hands in uncomfortable positions, and heads towards the ring, pointing at Hunter the whole time… okay, this is a TOTAL F-YOU to Hulk Hogan!!

-AND AM I CRAZY OR DOES EUGENE WALK AROUND EXACTLY LIKE MACHO MAN SAVAGE TOO???

-Eugene pulls his own hair! Mankind or the Missing Link?

-HHH gets this thing going. Ross carries on about Eugene’s unGodly retard stength. Just like how they got Hillbilly Jim over

-HHH yanks Lillian Garcia in front of him, then tosses her down. Her ass just ain’t fat enough for his liking.

-Eugene loses count of how many punches he throws the Game. Hunter is kind enough to let the comedy FLOW!!

-HHH fakes a hurt knee… then clips Eugene from behind and produces a huge shit eating grin! HA!! Hunter rules!

-Ross screams about how the Game is also the Cerbral Assassin… yeah, but resident rocket scientist Sid Vicious used the same ploy to win the WCW title from… uhh… Nash I think. So let’s not get too crazy about the genius of that stunt.

-In case you’re wondering…. no, I haven’t laid down the trivia question yet… AND I STILL HAVE 20 PAGES OF THIS CRAP TO GO!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA YOU ARE MY BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Canada screams, “EUGENE SUCKS”… this from the same country that actually tried to hold HHH hostage until they made Benoit champion?? Goofballs.

-Yeah, as if I wasn’t gonna sneak in that link.

-Eugene with the Rock Bottom. He went for the People’s Elbow but Hunter was up. Please, he hardly sold it when the Rock tries it with him.

-Eugene started to “Hulk Up”… it’s slightly more believable

-Eugene with a version of the Kerry Von Erich Discus Punch. Later he would be found dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound… that Dinsmore LIVES the gimmick, goddammit!

-Ric Flair comes out. Jim Ross sneers, Mr “I Got A Best Seller”, Ric Flair is here. I love it when Ross sneers about Flair’s successes. My fave is still, Aw God, there’s Flair! Mr. “DVD”!!

-Flair takes a second to dance a little. It was funny.

-Eugene hits HHH with the big boot!

-Eugene hits HHH with the Legdrop!

-Eugene hits every top 40 radio station with a copy of his daughter’s new single! My God, the bastard goes ALL OUT!

-Eugene stops a Pedigree and hit HHH with one of his own! Flair breaks up the pin.

-The ref chases Flair away… Flair screams, “F*CK YOU!!” a few times… wow.

-Regal shows up and CRANKS Flair with some brass knucks. Flair is out cold.

-This gets Eugene’s attention… which gives HHH a chance to Pedigree him and score the win.

-Eugene is consoled by Regal as Hunter drags the out cold Flair backstage… there is nothing funnier than watching someone knocked out cold be dragged away, completely oblivious. Dad used to do it to Mom all the time… hell, it’s how I was conceived.

-It’s time for Diva Dodgeball… how can you easily tell the Divas from the wannabes? The wannabes were the ones in bikinis while the ones with the contract stuck with t-shirts… heh.

-Trish was the “Team Captain” which means her face is too damn expensive to risk getting hit with flying balls…. (which puts a SERIOUS crimp in my honeymoon plans with her

– Gail Kim has AWESOME hair

-…. the wannabes won… Trish ended up fighting Victoria… now obviously, I’m pretty much the honriest douchebag in the IWC but even I recognize how damn silly this is.

-Plus there isn’t a single wannabe who does anything for me… and I find the black girl pretty damn annoying…

-its the JBL/Undertaker TALE OF THE TAPE!! UT beats JBL in just about every category

-Taker comes out! Alone. No Jews to hold torches for him… Canada will allow two day passes to the Black guys and the Hispanics but they DRAW THE LINE at the Jews… damn them.

-Heh… Dead Men do NOT wear eye-liner… heh heh heh… Biker boy.

-JBL rolls out in his Limo. Here’s his problem… how can anyone take him as champ serious when he has the LAMEST ENTRANCE THEME EVER! What champion puts MOOING COWS in his theme music??? The bell hasn’t even rung and the guy’s theme song is telling the audience to go to sleep!

-and Bradshaw isn’t exactly HBK… his style isn’t exactly enough to wake up the crowd from that entrance lullabye!

-Orlando Jones steps out of the limo with JBL, or, as certain hicks call him: “Orlanda” (they actually call him something else but we AIN’T goin down that road)

-Bradshaw stares at Taker and says, “Nice eyeliner, pansy!”

-Taker stares at JBL and says, “Weren’t you one of my Acolytes, bitch?”

-at home, Farooq stares at the TV screen and says, “Man, when I catch the practical joker who pulled this rib on me, I’m gonna KILL the motherf**ka!”

-Since when is JBL from New York? What New Yorker would wear a cowboy hat and have bull horns on his hood?

-JBL with a flurry of p(we interrupted this recap for a very special announcement… in 1980, long-time babyface/hero/rolemodel LARRY ZBYSZKO shocked, and I mean SHOCKED the W(orld)W(ide)W(restling)F(ederation) by turning Heel and SPITTING on the legacy of his mentor/friend, Bruno Sammartino! It was a DISGUSTING turn that ROCKED the fans to their very core! Yet, Larry wasn’t through pissing on the fans! His heel turn was so shocking that his longtime friend/tag partner had returned from a “European tour” (ie: injury,rehab, jail, whatever…) to get in his face and say, “What is your PROBLEM, dude?” Well, Larry slapped him upside his head and kicked him around a little. Bruno came to the rescue, Larry split, Bruno helped the man up, asked if he was okay. The man grabbed the microphone and yelled, “DO ME ONE FAVOR!! TONIGHT, BREAK EVERY DAMN BONE IN HIS BODY!!!!” Within a few scant weeks, Larry Zbyszko broke Bruno’s heart, the heart of the fans, and with the finality of the last nail in the coffin, the heart of the one guy who thought this was just a huge mistake and wanted to see for himself. So who was he? Who demanded that Bruno break every damn bone in Zbyszko’s body? Who cemented Zbyszko as the most hated man in wrestling in 1980? Some of you might get this quick… others may have to do a little research. That’s sort of the POINT… and now return to the recap, already in progress)OUGH the limo roof and out of sight! Hard-core!

-Bradshaw retains, but is just out-worked… and those aren’t clotheslines from Hell… they are more like Clothslines from Newark… but that’s as much as I’ll give!

-decent throw-down… but man, Taker is getting a bit too old… and neither man was exactly in top condition.

-Wrestlemania 21 in L.A! Wonder who the Rock will be fighting.

-Orton is out.

-Benoit is out. He grins at the crowd then starts to weep… he turns around and shouts, “Can’t we do this in AMERICA?? I swear I won’t show up in TNA with the title!!” Vince charges out and sneers, “Just get out there, mushmouth!”… Benoit stomps his feet and proceeds.

-it’s a FIERCE STAREDOWN!! Orton uses the time to try to figure out which rat gave him that weird rash. He had it narrowed down to five by the time Benoit attacked.

-It starts out as a CLINIC!!! A WRESTLING CLINIC! Ross compares it to Steamboat/Flair… Ross is on drugs.

-Orton went for the Sharpshooter! Anyone else remember the days when wrestlers didn’t flagrantly STEAL EACH OTHER’S MOVE?????

-Orton hyper-extends Benoit’s arm… sure it hurts, but it ain’t like stubby Benoit can’t USE a little arm extending

-Benoit dives at Orton and crashed facefirst in the retaining wall. You know… worship Dynamite Kid all you want but DO YOU REALLY WANT TO END UP LIKE HIM??????

-Orton with the Standing Backbreaker! Honoring his REAL father: The late Big John Studd

-Orton with the Belly Splash! Honoring his REAL father: Kamala

-Orton goes for the pin but demands a 5 count! Honoring his REAL father: King Kong Bundy

-Orton crawls between Benoit’s legs and slips out of the ring! Honoring his REAL father: Little Beaver

-Orton’s style confuses Benoit. Benoit can’t tell what Orton is about to do. Orton is simply honoring his REAL father: The UNPREDICTABLE Johnny Rodz. (That one’s for the Fleabag)

-Orton gets on the mic and says, “I’ll tell you who is scripted to win this match ONLY on the hotline, kids get your permission to call!”! Honoring his REAL father: Mean Gene Okerlund.

-Moms got BUSY, yo

-Basically, Benoit made about 5 HUGE spots that put his neck at SERIOUS risk

-and for WHAT??? So Orton can hit the RKO out of nowhere and win the match and the title.

-Orton kinda/sorta turned and weeped as he held his title. Benoit manned up and stuck oot his hand and shouted “BE A MAN”… Orton took it. Thus setting up a 20 minute Raw lecture from HHH tonight.

-Meanwhile at home, Cowboy Bob Orton watched this and did a little weeping himself… but that’s only because he was out of beer and the stores were closed.

-Show ends… as does this mess.

I don’t know… this show seemed awfully quick… the matches seemed, for the most part, walk-throughs. There wasn’t anything that gave this a mega-event second to Wrestlemania feel.

And I am once again reminded that the Mop-Ups just ain’t working without a Nitro to go heads up with Raw… I need time fillers… I need crash TV… I need Tony Schiavone to put a bounty on… I need Dillenger… I need Madden’s Momma… I need Uncle Eric… I need Russo… I need commercials… I need hotshot stunts to mock… I need Jerry Flynn vs Prince Iakaka to bore me half to death so I can babble on about Sean Shannon and stuff…DAMMIT, I NEED NASH TO MAKE WISEASS REMARKS TO THE CAMERA TO TELL US HOW GAY THIS ALL IS!!!

When the PPV is serious and the matches are of a serious nature, I lose a LOT of what I drew on. Which is why I stopped doing them. You’ll see what I mean soon enough

Anyway… good luck with the trivia… and blah blah blah.

This is Hyatte