Hey everyone. I know it’s been a very long time since my last column, and since that time there have been a slew of roster changes in the realm of 411mania.
For the record, I decided to stick with 411 because I truly appreciated the chance I was given a couple of years ago to jump to a site in the IWC that didn’t bludgeon me with pop-up ads. Also, I figured I can now be labeled a 411 veteran, and that’s pretty cool for someone like myself who tries to write heartfelt columns whenever I get the chance or feel inspired. As you can probably tell from my production lately, I haven’t been inspired too much lately, but I guess that’s what graduate school and an impending engagement will do to a wrestling fan who once recited Mankind promos in his sleep.
Speaking of roster changes and bludgeonings (or, as they like to call it on the Shrek 4-D ride at Universal Studios, floggings), I noticed that Randy Orton became the youngest WWE wrestler to win a World Championship last Sunday at Summerslam (shout-out to Brock Lesnar).
I also happened to notice young Randy beating Chris Benoit twice in two days (shout-out to all former WCW politickers), and then getting the absolute shit kicked out of him by three men who I would pay to see in the second sequel/third installment of Three Men and A Little Baby (shout-out to Tom Selleck, Steve Guttenberg, and Ted Danson).
I really didn’t mind the Evolution turn on Randy Orton, but I will say this before I get to my main fodder for this column: Randy Orton has been built up as a pretty solid heel and has shown a lot of potential in his role as the spoiled brat BUT is Randy Orton ready to stand on his own as a baby face World Champion? I am actually not so sure. Kurt Angle couldn’t even hack it as a baby face champ, and while Orton may be valuable in terms of his upside, I don’t know if he is going to be able to swim on his own two feet over the next few months.
We all know how guys like Angle, Eddie Guerrero, and Chris Benoit can presently carry other opponents in their matches. The question is: Can Randy Orton carry his heel foes on Raw while being built as a face and while already being jettisoned into the top baby face spot, whether he is ready or not? Well, at least he has the Diamond-Cutter Ã¢â‚¬â€œ I mean RKO Ã¢â‚¬â€œ in his corner.
Well, my main focus was going to be about who might replace Randy Orton as the fourth member of Evolution, but I guess I will have to settle for this section being more of an extended afterthought:
Top Ten: Who Will Join Evolution to Replace Randy Orton?
10. Steve “Mongo” McMichael: Unlikely and long-forgotten Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Odds: 1,000,000-1.
09. Nobody: Triple H without three manservant underlings? Nah! Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Odds: 10,000-1.
08. X-Pac: Let’s hope he is unlikely and long-forgotten! Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Odds: 5,000-1.
07. Jeff Hardy: If there ever was a time for Jeff to come back and shake off his past, this would be it Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Odds: 1,000-1.
06. HBK: Interesting to ponder, unrealistic to go through with it Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Odds: 500-1.
05. Chris Jericho: He would probably rather hang himself wearing an Islanders jersey, which is exactly why Vince & Co. could make him do this, given their penchant for f*cking with Y2J’s “spot” Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Odds: 250-1.
04. Shelton Benjamin: Shelton may still be on the shelf, but he could still cut promos and embark on the age-old “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” storyline Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Odds: 100-1.
03. Matt Hardy: This would be a good way to separate Matt from Kane and Lita’s crapola storyline, and maybe they could come out with Matt Hardy, Version 2.0, Rated E for Evolution! Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Odds: 50-1.
02. Eugene: Could Eric Bischoff heed Theodore R. Long’s Summerslam warning and force Eugene to join Evolution to keep him off Smackdown? Could they blackmail Eugene into joining so that Regal doesn’t get his ass kicked anymore? Would they have the guts/stupidity to run a blackmail storyline similar to the Nikolai Volkoff-Million Dollar Man storyline? This is WWE, so why the f*ck not? Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Odds: 10-1.
01. Edge: This is my most likely (and most predictable) choice. Edge is not really liking Jericho these days, and his gimmick has become pretty monotonous lately Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Odds: 2-1.
Thanks for giving me the forum to continue writing my ass off. As always, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org, and I will be glad to respond to as many responses as possible while watching the 10-meter Platform Hermaphroditic Synchronized Diving championship finals.
That’s all for now PEACE.
Aside from pro wrestling, Chris Biscuiti loves Red Lobster’s cheese and garlic breadsticks.