Part one of XXXIX questions that will be answered by the end of Super Bowl XXXIX. That was like the teaser, except switched around.
I
What the hell are the Buffalo Bills?
Will they go 10-6? Will they go 6-10? Talk about a total enigma right now. But the owner is waxing poetic how it’s this year or ELSE! Or else what? Going to threaten to sell the team like you do every year? Tom Donahue has stated “I’m out of patience! The honeymoon is over. It’s time to produce!” Or what? You’re going to get rid of half the players and fire the coach like you do every year.? At the end we all know what this is about. Bledsoe. Live or die with him, that’s the way it’s set up and that’s the way it will be. So while they go blah blah blah and the experts go blah blah offensive line blah blah secondary blah blah. It’s all about the Bleds, baby.
II
Are the Miami Dolphins just a lost cause this year?
Now they are still 0-0, so before people start spraying them with ashes and holy water, let’s face facts. They lost a running back. Whoop de dam do. Are we forgetting this team is still a defensive powerhouse? This team has just as good a chance to win a wild card then any of the slightly above average teams in the AFC. With that said, this team is a ticking time bomb that will explode. Will it explode in a good way or a bad way? It’s up to them. The first few games will be key. If they start off 2-0 or 3-0 then they just gotta do what they do every year. Win 11 games before December. By the way, remember last year’s Patriots and how they lost their best player….Team is everything. Speaking of the Pats:
III
Will the New England Patriots be a dynasty or just have a good run?
We all know the deal. Win the Super Bowl, they’re a dynasty. Lose in the super bowl they defined a small era. Not make it to the super bowl, they had a good run. One thing people need to remember. This is the bandwagon AFC pick this year, and bandwagon picks rarely make it so they may be jinxed. The two years they won the Super Bowl, they weren’t supposed to. Now, they’re supposed to. Funny thing is all the players the experts love wheather it be Tom Brady, Troy Brown, Teddy Bruschi, or Willie McGinist, they used to have no respect for. Let this be a lesson to you kids. The Football media does NOT know more then you, the fan.
IV
How will the New York Jets screw it up this year?
Who knows? It could be time management, injury to a position player, acid rain, hale, slaying of the first born, anything. One thing the Jets realize is that there is no room for error, especially in the AFC East where the Pats might win 12-14 games. Though they realize it, they still can’t do anything about it. Something will happen. They’re a better team then their record over the past two years indicates and they’ve got nothing to show for it but a bunch of stupid errors and bad luck. But don’t worry Jets Fans, they will do their part to screw up as melodramaticly as possible! It’s like watching a 4 month Shakespearean Tragedy…every year.
V
Who will be the President for the next four years?
I hate politcs. I think it’s more senseless then sports. But this is what everyone is asking so I will do my duty and report. If John Kerry gets elected, then it will be John Kerry. If George Bush gets elected, the answer will not be answered by Super Bowl XXXIX because there is a 30% chance that he will be impeached in two years pending on how Iraq goes and if the mainstream media ever decided to report about his Saudi Arabian-Bin Laden connections. Just a 30% chance, relax guys…. I know he’s your boy!!! Don’t worry about a thing Bush Fans because the fact is John Kerry will not get elected because 61% of the American Public can’t tell the difference between a war hero and a war criminal, can’t tell the difference between a tax raise that won’t effect them or a tax cut that won’t effect them, the democrats could lose a fight to a 2 month old kitten, and Anne Coulter is hot! I fantasize about her samurai sword fighting with my ultra-liberal girlfriends! Ahhhhhhhhhhh……
VI
Are the Ravens ever going to meet Poetic Justice?
People hate the Ravens. Especially white people north, west, and south of Maryland. A team filled with black criminals led by a cocky arrogant white coach! Dam them!!!! You know what, relax. And the answer is no, they will never meet Poetic Justice. For whatever reason, evil NFL teams never get their come uppins. It’s not like the NHL or the NBA where we get to see evil teams break down and cry like a good Clint Eastwood movie. Evil NFL teams just slowly fade away. Now personally, I don’t think the Ravens are evil, just misunderstood by the suburban and rural white man. The Raiders of the past few years, they were evil! And did they get poetic justice? Nope. Just disintegrated and blamed all their problems on everybody else. So while the Ravens may or may not get to the Super Bowl, don’t expect God to display angelic wrath or anything. God is to busy f*cking with the Jets.
VII
Will the Bengals get to the playoffs?
I gotta be honest. I’m not buying this new Bengals era thing. Teams can flip flop their record season to season and in today’s NFL there is no such thing as a re-building period. This slow climb out of the cellar and into ever blissful mediocrity is one of the biggest non-stories the media went cookoo about. So they went 8-8 last year. Wow! That makes them average and like everybody else! It also means it’s time for this team to stop messing around, crying over moral victories, and start playing to win. If they do that, they could get in.
VIII
Are the browns going to wear those all-orange uniforms again?
One of the most controversial uniforms in all of sports: The Browns Third Jersey! The color Orange is like the ancient magic potion Ambrosia. A little causes great pleasure and ecstasy, too much causes extreme pain and suffering. You can literally have a seizure and die watching a game with those uniforms. For example, my friend’s baby was born pre-mature. And she’s a Browns fan. Coincidence? I think not.
IX
Will I be able to jump on the Steelers bandwagon this year?
The Pittsburgh Steelers. No team is more loved when they’re good. No team more ignored when they’re bad. Yes, I know you all want to root for the Black and Gold this year, wear those hard hats, cheer the XFL MVP and that nice coach that’s the perfect father figure. Passionate, tough, sensitive….everybody loves him! And those crazy helmets with the symbol only on one side. A factory error that become beloved? A representation of blue collar defiance? An artistic module calligraphying the duality of man? The world may never know. But you will know by December if you can take the Steelers hat out of your closet.
X
Will Joey be the next Frasier or be like a 1000 other spinoffs?
Once again, a question I have no interest in but I WILL report! I’ve seen only a few episodes of Friends my whole life and people though look at me strangely when I say that. They go “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’VE NEVER WATCHED IT!” And I answer “‘Because Thursdays is Western Athletic Conference college football on ESPN2 with riveting games like Boise St. vs. Texas-El Paso” What the hell? What am I missing out on that is so important and beneficial to my lightness of being. I watch Simpsons, Family Guy, and Curb Your Enthusiasm. Does TV comedy get better then those shows….no! So leave me alone! Fuck Joey!
XI
Are the Houston Texans for real?
Well, they do exist. For two whole years actually! But the odds are against them to do anything this year. The AFC South is just too tough. “But that’s why they play the games”. I hate that line.
XII
Will this finally be the year of the Indianapolis Colts?
It hasn’t been easy for fans of the Colts and the Big Three. And it won’t be this year. They’ve already lost to New England….again. But let me calm your worries. This will be their LAST chance. Free agency will hit them hard and the Colts as you know it will end and move on to the next chapter. Oh wait, that heightened your fears, didn’t it?
XIII
Does Jacksonville even know they have a team?
I think the answer is no and they also have no clue Super Bowl XXXIX is coming around either. Why should they? It’s not like any Jacksonians are going. Basically, people over there spend their entertainment dollar on college football and stock cars, so very little room for the NFL. Do you know the league picked this city over places like Portland, Albuquerque, Sacramento, and Toronto? What were they thinking!
XIV
Have the Flaming Thumbtacks lost their fire?
Everybody seems to love this team and why not? Unless you’re a Colts fan, no reason to hate these warriors. Are they dead? This is one of those questions I won’t even pretend to know the answer too. We’re all just going to have sit back and watch their season unfold. The Eddie George debacle may not be as serious as some people thing since he was starting to break down anyway. This team has got chuck full of talent and if their ‘cyborg quarterback ‘as Daniels likes to say can stay healthy after being sacked, hurried, and taken down 93 times a year, The flaming thumbtacks will burn on!!!! This year anyway. They’re hitting the free agency wall next year too. So this is IT!
XV
Will there be an NHL season this year?
Ask the MAGIC 8 BALL! It told me ‘Don’t count on it!’ What it did the magic 8 ball tell you????
