Me: What’s with the pose?
Mistress: ……
Me: What are you looking at?
Mistress: ……
Me: Come on, say something!
Mistress: …..
Me: Where’s your left elbow?
Mistress: ….
Me: Well…you just keep on doing what you gotta do, I’ll get on with the column!
Hi Everybody! Welcome to a special edition of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff! Today we’re going to talk about ONE sport and one sport only. Baseball! Today is the first day of the 2004 MLB playoffs and this entire article will be dedicated to that wonderful horrible corrupt beautiful sport. First, we’re going to eulogize every team that died in the regular season and deem whether their death was honorable or dishonorable. We’ll then do a quickie look at the LDS matchups, and finally we’ll cap it off with a review of the 9 Innings From Ground Zero special on HBO from a very qualified person that being me! What qualifies me? I was there!
BUT, FIRST. IP SPORTS!!!!!!!!1
IP Sports and just about everybody else around here weighs in their thoughts on the MLB Regular Season Awards!
Mark the Machine U. gives us his weekly double dose of The Pulse and Musings. I’ll put money down that his article on the Expos move is the most in-depth analysis on the ENTIRE WORLD WIDE WEB!!!
Adam’s Fantasy Peninsula: Learn it, Know it, Live it.
Paul Carmon’s wish for the Cubbies’s demise came true. Will his other wish came true?
According toLaflin, it ain’t easy living in Kansas City. Whoa, that rhymes! Instant blues song!
Nguyen did us all a valuable public service. He let us know the WNBA playoffs were happening. Hey, the more you know….
THE 2004 OFFICIAL MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL EULOGIES!
Baltimore Orioles: Died at 78 Wins, 84 Losses
This was supposed to be the year the O’s made their big leap. They didn’t. This was supposed to be the year Angelos was supposed to put money into the team and get them some pitching, he didn’t. They put more focus on what was happening in Montreal as opposed to what was going on in Camden Yards. This was supposed to be the year everything changes. Nothing changed. What’s worse is your going to blame it all on Lee Mazilli.
Your death is deemed: Dishonorable
Tampa Bay Devil Rays: Died at 70 Wins, 91 losses
Your not even in Tampa, your ballpark is a joke, you even tried to get the Devil out of your logo when pressured by political groups but realized that would be marketing death if you did, but you appeased them anyway with the alternative ‘Rays’ uniform and hat. And that luxury tax you get every year? You put in your pocket, not the ballclub. For shame…..
Your death is deemed: Dishonorable
Toronto Blue Jays: Died at 67 Wins, 94 Losses
You are Canada’s only team now. And what do you become? Another team that refuses to put money into it despite all the tax breaks in the world. Canada once loved the Blue Jay. They loved you! And you turned your back on them and cried poverty despite records showing that you still make a hefty profit!
Your death is deemed: Dishonorable
Chicago White Sox: Died at 83 Wins, 79 Losses
The division was all yours for the taking. And when the trade deadline came, what did you do? You traded away your ace for a B pitcher and some cash. Crying poverty in the third largest city in America is sinful indeed White Sox. Just looking at you makes me sick.
Your death is deemed: Dishonorable
Cleveland Indians: Died at 80 Wins, 82 Losses
The division was all yours for the taking. And when the trade deadline came, what did you do? Nothing. You did nothing. The days of selling out ballparks are over because your owner is greedy and is putting all the profits of the glory days into his pocket. A few year more years and they will make “Major League 4” about you.
Your death is deemed: Dishonorable
Detroit Tigers: Died at 72 Wins, 90 Losses
You’ve improved on last year’s record but so could the kindergarten T-Ball team. You took some steps forward, spent some money on players, and spoiled a few teams in contention while doing it.
Your death is deemed: Honorable
Kansas City Royals: Died at 58 Wins, 104 Losses
Just…pathetic…..Stop blaming everyone else. Remember two years ago when all your top players went to the owners and said, ‘We LOVE Kansas City! We’ll give you a discount as long as you stay competitive.” They showed them the door.
Your death is deemed: Dishonorable
Oakland A’s: Died at 91 Wins, 71 Losses
This was supposed to be the year. The year the big three went to the Big Bad East and stuck it to them. Anaheim came back and knocked you out in the 12th round. Real Money-8 Moneyball-Zero.
Your death is deemed: Dishonorable
Texas Rangers: Died at 89 Wins, 73 losses
The surprise team of the AL. You franchise was done, decimated, and doomed. You came out of nowhere and was in the AL West hunt all season long. You were all year the official ‘surprize team’ of the major leagues and you didn’t disappoint.
Your death is deemed: Honorable
Seattle Mariners: Died at 63 Wins, 99 Losses
You had one hell of a plan. Give up your best players every year and get rid of one of the best managers of in baseball. It didn’t work. Ichiro had one heck of a season though and is the new Hit King. Too bad no one noticed.
Your death is deemed: Dishonorable
Philadelphia Phillies: Died at 86 wins, 76 Losses.
You know the deal Philly. This was the year you were supposed to get over the 90 win mark. You didn’t, try again next year. Until then…
Your death is deemed: Dishonorable
Florida Marlins: Died at 83 Wins, 79 Losses
You’re the defending champions…or are you? Nobody cares about your world series win nor the one in 1997. You gotta stop winning these things if you’re not going to be competitive the next year. I know I know, you’ll win it 2009 and then go .500 in 2010. Until 2009 though…
Your death is deemed: Dishonorable
New York Mets: Died at 71 Wins, 91 Losses
We went over this in the last column and yes,
Your death is deemed: Dishonorable
Montreal Expos: Died at 67 Wins, 95 Losses
You had one goal this year, find a city to play baseball in. You did it. Congratulations. Now, do the right thing and call yourselves the Greys after the famous Washington Negro League team, not the Senators Part 3 The Revenge.
Your death is deemed: Honorable
Chicago Cubs: Died at 89 Wins, 73 Losses
Choke, Choke, Choke….
Your death is deemed: Dishonorable
Cincinnati Reds: Died at 76 Wins, 86 Losses
Fourth losing season in a row. Your worst slump in 50 years. You’re a better franchise then this. Enough with the soap operas and hometown heroes/anti-heroes. You don’t need me to tell you that
Your death is deemed: Dishonorable
Pittsburgh Pirates: Died at 72 Wins, 89 Losses
Congratulations on your 14th straight losing season! And Congratulations on breaking the club fielding error record! The lowest in franchise history. There you go!
Your death is deemed: Dishonorable
Milwaukee Brewers: Died at 67 Wins, 94 Losses
Congratulations! The city now has class-action lawsuit against your ballclub! They built you a stadium and you paid them back with nothing.
Your death is deemed: Dishonorable
San Francisco Giants: Died at 91 Wins, 71 Losses
The difference between this choke and the Cubs’ choke was that the Cubs were supposed to be competitive and you weren’t. You lost half your team in last year’s offseason and still fought all the way through the regular season.
Your death is deemed: Honorable
San Diego Padres: Died at 87 Wins, 75 Losses.
You benefited from a horrible division but it’s not your fault. You surprised everybody with your run out of the gate, and though nobody expected you to keep up with the big boys, you tried your best. And effort goes a long way.
Your death is deemed: Honorable
Colorado Rockies: Died at 68 Wins, 94 Losses
You know that weird thing the Astros were doing after that game. That’s called a playoff celebration! Maybe in another life you’ll be able to do it too!
Your death is deemed: Dishonorable
Arizona D-Backs: Died at 51 wins, 111 losses.
Ironically, you died on a winning streak.
Your death is deemed: Dishonorable
A QUICK LOOK AT THE LDS!
Minnesota Twins vs. New York Yankees
Everyone say it together now….”It’s David vs. Goliath.” The truth is things get thin in the starting pitching for both these teams. With that said, this is the Twinkie’s third trip to the Dance and they are no longer playing with house money. The Yankees traditionally have a tough time getting through the ALDS, and usually make it dramatic. This could be fun! And if the Yankees lose, most people are happy anyway.
Boston Red Sox vs. Anaheim Angels
This is the last team in the world the Red Sox wanted to face in a five game series. And let’s face it, this series could go in any direction and surprise no one. It could go the distance, either team could sweep. If the Red Sox lose though….oh boy……
LA Dodgers vs. SL Cardinals
The Cards are expected to plummet the Dodgers with ease. What else do you want me to say?
Houston Astros vs. Atlanta Braves
This is an intriguing matchup because there are alot of baseball historians on their knees praying for a Houston/New York World Series. While at the same time, people are like “awww man, does Atlanta have to be in it EVERY year?” Have you seen their division? Yes, they do.
NINE INNINGS FROM GROUND ZERO
I wasn’t looking forward to this special. The film was about two things; the end of America as we know it and the end of the Yankee dynasty. Two things not worth re-living. But it was scheduled to come on, I didn’t have anything better to do, and I decided to watch it. The first scene brought me right back to the actual day. Everyone knows where they were, and I certainly do as well. I woke up around 7:00 am and was sick as a dog. I left a message at work that I would not be coming in and fell right back asleep. A couple hours later my phone rang and it was my boss; not yelling at me for skipping work, but relieved I was at home. She was frantic, “Thank God you’re there. I thought maybe you were playing hookey and went downtown.” I was a little confused by all this as she kept rambling on and I was too sick to have any patience for it when all of a sudden she screamed, “We’re at war.” I turned on the television to comprehend what she was trying to say, and what I saw put more fear in my soul then I ever had felt in my lifetime. They were gone. The World Trade Center was gone. People were screaming in terror, the streets were in carnage, and it was all happening right outside my door. Indeed, this documentary was well done as not only did it bring that memory back but everything else that followed. But for a non New Yorker who watched it they would gather that the city was in complete turmoil and Yankee baseball helped bring back the value of leisure and entertainment to a shell shocked society. Now, that’s sort of true, but also the farthest thing from.
The documentary did an excellent job giving people a feel of what it was like to live in New York City at the time. An important line the film states is that 9/11 was the day that never ended. That was completely true. It just wasn’t the attack; it was everything that came afterwards as well. The anthrax scare, the repeated warnings of extra attacks, soldiers on every block, and it seemed to take the sky three months to become the color blue again. A sea of brownish red hovered over the sky as a daily reminder of what had happened. An endless string of funerals for the victims were being held on a daily basis. Paranoia and anxiety every time one saw a low flying plane on it’s way to one of the airports. The day just never ended. The documentary also showed some of the phenomenon that you may have not heard in the national press. One is the martyrdom that had become the FDNY as people would cheer and scream every time a firetruck passed by, another was how we would hang on to Giuliani’s every word and for a few months he became our General. The other was just the overall confusion the city seemed to have trouble overcoming. Was it ok to be happy and have a good time? People really didn’t know the answer to that question. I remember going out on the weekends following the incident. Even several weeks afterwards there was a certain reluctance by everybody to enjoy themselves.
Enter Yankee baseball. This is where the documentary really falls apart. You start seeing personal stories of how Yankee baseball helped get them back on their feet and ease their losses. One would think by watching it that if the Yankees never made it to the World Series, the city would have a nervous breakdown and completely collapse. I am not denying the romanticism of some of the stories the film tells, they are all heart warming. But this was not a true sampling of what the city was going through. They were denying an important fact. Yes, 25% of the New York population are Yankee fans, but 25% of them are Mets fans. One would think by the documentary, that every Met fan was wearing Yankee pinstripes. You see, just a year before that the Yankees embarrassed the Mets in Shea Stadium. The Met fans hated the Yankees in 2001 more so than any other year. Just because the Apocalypse happened, it didn’t change the fact that the Yankees were the Evil Empire and the Mets completely fell apart that year. In fact for many Mets fans, the Yankees losing in Game 6 and 7 was the true miracle, not the comeback in games 3 ,4, and 5. As for the other 50%, they could care less about baseball.
Back to the Yankee fan. The 2001 World Series did not signify redemption, it signified the end of the dynasty. As shown in the documentary, I am sure this world series will have a special place is some people’s hearts. But to most Yankee fans, this is not the one that got New York out of its rut. This is the one that hurt the most. The end of the documentary is when it just failed miserably. After the D-Backs win, the documentary basically states that even though the Yankees lost, the city was thankful that they played their hearts out and gave them an entertaining month of baseball. That is a complete and utter falsehood. No one was hating the Yankees, but no one was thanking them either. In fact, it’s safe to say the Yankee fan was now even more depressed than before.
I’ll tell you what really got New York back on its feat. New Yorkers themselves. Being from New York doesn’t make one a better person. I will also refuse to say that New York is greatest city in the world. It’s not, far from it actually. But when one grows up there, you develop a certain resiliency that is unmatched anywhere and one develops a bond to the city as if the place itself is some sort of higher power. I remember a couple weeks after 9/11, I was at a typical Irish bar in New York. Every race and creed was in there speaking every language you can think of. Then a few melodramatic Irish jigs came on and everybody started dancing, singing; some crying and hugging. In that little bar we were one, within that one a hundred stories and tales to tell. We were a city of one; within that one, millions of stories and tales to tell. We were New York. That’s what got us through 9/11. Not some stupid baseball game.
SLAYER vs……
A new biweekly feature here at Slayer’s Sports and Stuff. Every other week, I will be taking on anybody and everybody at Inside Pulse. The premiere will be action packed as the two founders of IP Sports go at it, next week is
SLAYER vs. DANIELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
