New Kids On The Blech: The Surreal Life Episode Five Review


The Surreal Life- Sundays at 10:00 P.M. on VH-1.

Episode 5- “Surf School”

We start with a panoramic shot of the sky. “Quicker than a ray of light”¦”. The housemates are still in San Diego at the hotel and casino. Jordan Knight walks around the hotel screaming “housekeeping”, ala David Spade from Tommy Boy and wakes up/pisses off Brigitte as a result

Ryan picks up the newest issue of Surreal Times, which tells them they get to go surfing. To the beach!!!

Flav really wants to drive there, but Jordan breaks the news to him about not driving, which pisses Flav off. He’s only got 67 driving violations, what’s the big deal guys?

Flav is the first in the RV, still insistent on driving. The housemates are pissed off. Brigitte asks him if he even has a license, which pisses him off. He feels he has no friends. Dave asks Flav to see his license. Flav thinks Dave’s doing it just so that he could drive. That conniving Dave!!

Flav of course doesn’t have a license and is told by all the housemates that he can’t drive. Brigitte fears that they’ll get pulled over and she’ll get arrested. Uh-oh, it looks like FlavItte may end prematurely.

Flav bitches some more to the confessional. “This is not my day”. It’s the Surreal Life, every day, and every second of footage is Flav’s. Including what will come after the commercial break probably

First Commercial Break

We’re back and Flav’s still sad. Awwwww.

The group gets to the beach and they meet the Willis brothers, who are apparently big surfing legends. Sorry, I’m not a fan of sports, pseudo or otherwise.

The Willis brothers give the group some cheesy speech about waves and energy that reminds me of something from a Jack Kirby comic. Dave and Ryan appropriately mock it in the confessional.

Brigitte starts flirting with one of the Willis brothers.

The brothers want everyone to surf. Flav doesn’t want to. Come on, you can

A Willis brother talks to Charo, who I forgot was on the show, and compares surfing to playing a guitar

A Willis brother gives Jordan a pep talk, though Jordan doesn’t want to get in the water either

A cute surfer boy eases up to Ryan.

Brigitte is held up by the Willis brothers, and is able to stay on the board for more than three seconds. No more, no less

Dave rides waves. Ride waves Dave!

A Willis brother gives Flav a speech about faith and stuff. It works, and Flav is willing to get in the water. These guys are like the Tony Robbins of the Funnicello set.

Flav tries surfing, and looks as helpless as a manatee running into a speedboat. I see enough of that, living here in South Florida.

Brigitte’s going to try to get one of the Willis brothers. If only it were Bruce or Wesley. We’ll see how successful she is”¦after the break!

Second Commercial Break

Flav’s freezing in the water, having to move muscles he’s not used to moving around.

Flav successfully gets the ride his first wave. As Jordan puts it, “Flav got to step on the wave like he was Jesus”. I knew Jesus was black!!

The event is completed successfully, and the housemates get certificates and those things Hawaiians wear that I don’t know how to spell.

Flav gets awarded surfer of the day, and gets a custom Surreal Life surfboard. Flav dedicates it to all his (expletive) friends that wouldn’t let him drive.

The housemates sit around the campfire, Ryan talks about her first boyfriend, who must have been on some heavy drugs to stand her.

Brigitte asks Flav if he loves her, and he says he loves her, like he loves everybody. Hence the littler of children.

Brigitte and Flav get into a big argument about everything and nothing. Much yelling and bleeping ensues.

The show ends with dark music, as the group solemnly gets in the RV.

End of Show.

Thoughts- Go back to my other reviews in which I complained about the lack of coverage towards Dave, Charo, and Jordan (the less Ryan the better,) so that I don’t have to drag out the same point yet again.