The Midnight News 10.11.04

(Regarding last column’s Guide to Life)

While you never said you were specifically looking to use Trimspa yourself, let me just say I am damn near offended at the very thought. Sure, go ahead and take Trimspa and lose your 25 pounds. Then stop taking Trimspa and watch them all come back.

‘Tis simple. Modify your diet with healthier replacements or cut out really nasty fatty things altogether. Toss in even the most minimal of exercise (taking a walk 3 times a week). Drink buckets of water. Just those alone are enough for most folks to shed 5-10 pounds, if not more, depending on their beginning conditioning.

If the weight is hanging around the gut area, combine CLA supplements with regular exercise for some fantastic results.

I could write a bucketload more of specifics and give advice until I turn blue in the face, but I won’t bother unless you’re seriously interested.

Trimspa… jesus christ

Winter Schniztel

How can you turn blue in the face from typing keys?

‘Tis even simpler… if you expel more fuel than you have, you draw fuel from within… or you stop working. Trimspa, as I have researched, prevents the bad part of the fuel you take in from being stored, thus your body has no choice but to keep drawing fuel without replenishing its storees, thus you lose weight.

And it won’t “all come back” if you lose it and make a determined effort to KEEP IT OFF. I know, people all over just want that magic pill that takes fat away while you pound down the twinkies… but it doesn’t exist. That’s why ALL these pills and health potions are called SUPPLEMENTS… they are supposed to back UP your play, not make the play for you!

I also hear that cocaine is a WONDERFUL way to keep those nasty pounds away! I’m currently looking into that too.

i enjoy reading the things you write.

as a token of my appreciation, i present to you the following thought:

gene snitsky looks JUST like harry from ‘harry and the hendersons.’

now, i’m not sure if this has been pointed out elsewhere, since i pretty much just read your stuff (smooch), so i can’t guarantee it’s an original
thought. but if it is, feel free to run with it. it’s gold.

and seriously… the more you think about it while he’s on camera, the more true it becomes.

there are, obviously, loads of pictures of harry online, so i’ll let you google it for yourself. i’ll just leave you with a picture of the action figure, because that’s way funnier to me since it looks even more like snitsky.

so there you go.

keep up the good work.

emmett

Man’s got a point… Snitsky looks like Bigfoot and Benoit looks like “Oompha Loompha”.

Snitsky also possesses one massive head… swollen… and he’s not even that CUT… so he’s not only juicing, but he’s juicing while pounding BIG MACS!!

Boy’s got a HELL of a future.

Hyatte ya bastard, your link to the video with the chick stripping didn’t work!!! I demand you send me the working link as a reward for being a loyal reader of your crap for years and years ya dumb ass.

P.S. Keep up the good f*cking work

Steve

Hi Man, big fan, longtime reader etc etc..

Got just one thing to say…f*ck you and f*ck all your f*ckin links……..every damn time …you get me all worked up to see your stupid links…like the one in the last midnight news where a girl works her little friend to a frenzy…and the damn link does’nt work!.. again! this is not the first time ..get your act together man…you are the best thing goin on this (the wrestling…) side of the net, I mean come on, I’m with you on every thing, I’m a bit too old for wrestling myself (33with a wife and 2 girls) but I keep on reading your stuff and youy used to never disappoint me…until lately, seems you’re goin for the easy way…that ain’t good…so please don’t go soft on me…get back into shape and kick some ass…!

Ciaio Babe !

BoB Morrow

Haha! But you’d better hope that chick is 18, or you’re going to have a lot of pissed off folks, including moi. I’m sure my computer is brimming with
porn, but it’s all legal, cuz I don’t like that kiddie sick shit. And that chick BARELY looked 18, if at all. It was still a funny-ass bit, though. Well, the video wasn’t that funny, but your description of it was. And I’m sure you thought all this through.
Keep it real! And LEGAL!

Sam!

Why was the link not working? Because of this:

that video was put up by my f*ckup friend and not me. becuz of assholes like u igot in a lot of shit and theres nothing i did to deserve itt. there r like 500 sites linking that vid and yours made like 6000 of the downloads in a n hour. this is f*cking ruining my life. at least tell everyone that that bitchis name is (NAME DELETED, LET’S BE GOOFY AND SAY MALLORY MAHLING FROM THE TORCH) and she is only 16. she wanted me to f*ck her or jack of to her or sumthing and now there are millions of people jackin of to her. wutever it is its really wierd for me cuz im gay and she cant take it and trying to hurt me but really my asshole friend is hurting me and please take the link of as soon as you can. peace

-matt in dover

6000 downloads, all because of ME? And I junked the link within 4 hours after posting!

Nice to see I still have an army!

I swear, I thought she was within spitting distance of legal… but it now explains why she was so damn clumsy… the girl did almost wipe out on her ass when she tried to dip her ass low stripper-style! Hilarity at ANY age!

Hello Pedofiles!, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News Alpha. I wasn’t around last week because… well, it’s gonna be a rough October for me. No, nothing bad, just hard-core busy as I do some prep work on some stuff. So basically, I’m going to be exhausted, like ALL the time. But, I shall work extree hard and hand in columns twice a week… or DIE trying! Yes you, fagola supreme, will get me until I drop dead.

BUT, PLUGS

Here’s a plug for ya’… if Widro, Daniels, or SOMEONE from this site doesn’t get rid of that ANNOYING FUCKING CELL-PHONE RING I’m gonna start REDEFINING the word “unreliable”.

AND I DON’T MEAN LATER… I MEAN RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

For FUCK’S SAKE…

NOTHIN FINER THAN A WHINER FEINSTEINER

Or something like that…

I did NOT conduct and exclusive interview with troubled fudge-packer Rob Feinstein (who, by the way, has been told that no charges will be filed against him), but someone else did. But before I give you the link, I’m gonna PRETEND I talked to him and here’s the imaginary interview!

Rob, can you comment on how you’ve used the last six months to go on a one night gay sexual rampage that left bloody arseholes lying all over Philadelphia?

I learned alot about life in the past six months. There were so many lessons that came out of this for myself as a person. I guess to answer your question about how I am doing, the best thing I can say is that I am not the same person that I was 6 months ago. I don’t trust anyone anymore at all. I am wiser and see people for who they really are. I learned alot and have also become more aggressive when it comes to my business, which is great. This incident lit a fire under me. Everything happens for a reason.

Rob, how about delivering a sermon on how great you are to the thousands of readers who only know you as the guy who got busted at some young boy’s house!

You can love me or hate me, but the truth is I started, along with Doug, a new company that has changed wrestling and brought them some of the most exciting action that they have seen since ECW. I did this with my own money and hard work over the last decade in this business not only for me, but for each and every fan out there who loves wrestling. I was the one guy who wanted to give something back to the fans along with Doug. I am also one of the biggest fans as well. I have gotten so many cool E mails from people telling me to keep my head up and how everyone still supports us. The fans have been great to me so far. There are a few haters out there, but they just used this incident as an excuse to bury me. I can’t please everyone. Most of the fans realize that Doug and myself brought them this new wrestling product and they respect me for that, which is a great feeling. I have a respect for the fans as well. When I put on live shows I did not look at it like I was doing this all for me. I was doing it for them, because I am one of them. The one thing I want to say to the fans is, keep an open mind and do not believe everything you hear out there.

So what happened? Make up some really cheesy bullshit excuse, SICKO!!

I was in an adult chat room on AOL. I was not in any kids chat room. I was never looking for kids. I got contacted by a person in the Adultchat room who had an AOL profile. In that profile they said they went to college. It had 3 pictures of that person in the profile link. They were normal pictures of a college looking person, not of a child. A major wrestling journalist of another website saw the pictures as well. Also, Perverted Justice does not use real pictures of people that you are talking to. They are of older people. There were phone conversations with that person the next day as well. It is very easy to tell if you’re talking to a child or an adult. When I talked on the phone I was talking to an adult. I knew it was an adult. That website likes to focus on all the negative things that you supposedly said. According to the person I spoke with at Corrupted Justice, they also like to add stuff to the chat log that you never said. They also add side bar comments to make you look bad. Anyone can add anything to a chat. It is not that hard. I can talk to people and add into that chat anything I want to make that person look bad. It’s not that hard to do. All you have to do is copy and paste.

Get outta here! Anyway, tell the public about the first time you actually tried to get some pussy… and why it didn’t work

I go to a place to meet someone expecting to be meeting a person that I just talked to for a few days. I never lied about who I was. So when you get to the place and after two seconds of being there, they shove a huge camera in your face and call you by the name “Tim”, which was the wrong name. They then ask you why you were there to have sex with two 14 year old girls. You think to yourself “what the hell is going on?”

Aha! I can see why you’d be turned off! So, knowing full well that to say “yes” would be pretty much the dumbest thing you could do, tell me… no, tell the WORLD, are you a pedofile?

No I am not

Attaboy! Anyway, how about now you unfairly lash out at those who had every right to distance themselves from you

Well let’s just say this, I found out real quick who my real friends were. I was told by two people that in a short period of time, I would learn who my true friends were. There are so many fake people in this world Sean. Some of my so called friends liked to use me for everything I was worth. There are people that just want money from you and will tell you what they think you want to hear. They lie to you and feed your ego. They are called yes men and are all smoke and mirrors. Then there are people with huge egos that just want to be in spotlight because they know without you they are nothing in life but dirty degenerates. They claim to be your friend, but in the back of your mind you are calling them a user. They hang onto to you until something better comes along. Some friends did not even have the balls to swear me off, because they had no other friends.

These are the friends that would hang with you everyday, just to see what you had planned for the future. They were total fake and nerdy. They would just talk to you because they wanted to pick your brain. I was onto the those kind of friends real quick, and I worked them along the way, like the marks they were. I was able to see through so many of my fake friends real quick. Looking back on it now, these people were all depending on myself, to live their life through me, because they had no life of their own.

My name isn’t Sean. Is it true you’re a member of “Boy Lover’s Anonymous”? If so, tell me who else in the business is in those meetings? I mean, I know it’s anonymous, but come on… open up like a sphinctor on anal nitrate!

You just said it yourself. I can’t talk about anyone there. Sorry

Crap. Anyway, not many people no that at night you dress up in a superhero costume and prowl the streets at night as The Human Spear! What is your motto when you’re out fighting hetero nudnicks?

I am doing everything that I can do now to get justice.

Rob, bore us to death with your thoughts on two people 98% of the audience never heard of: Danny Maff and Allison Danger.

I like Danny Maff. He is the real deal. I always got along great with Danny. If I had my choice he would be a champion. This guy has it all. I know what he said and at the time he never heard my side. He has kids and all. He is allowed to be mad at me. I never read what Allison wrote because so many people jumped on me with out hearing my story. I could not talk for a long time and that was not my choice. Allison tries to god dam hard in the ring and I give her credit for trying to learn her trade. The one thing I was mad with Alison about was at my office she told me a week later after it broke that she wished I got help for my problem. What was I to say to her at that point. I just bit my lip and walked away. People need to open their minds but at the time that is all she knew and thought I was guilty. She might even still think I am which is her opinion. I hear things from people when they travel and I know how people think about me. But I like her as a person and like I said you are entitled to think what you want.

Okay Rob, let’s have some fun. How about you “out” three well-known wrestlers without REALLY “outing” them.

Tommy Dreamer and Raven are my two closest friends in wrestling. I have known Tommy forever and he’s the one guy next to Doug I consider a true friend. He talked me thru so much of this because at times I wanted to die in a way. Raven, as well, would call me every other day and keep my laughing. He told me I would be back and just wait out the storm. I got calls from so many other veterans that I knew all supporting me. I know who wrote that letter to the Observer, from what people told me, and you would be surprised if I showed who it was. Teddy Hart, no matter what the fans think of him is a caring guy. He drove with Jack Evans to my house the week after this went down at like 3AM, just to check on me. He not only came over that time, but a few others as well and we talk on a weekly basis. The one thing that is sad is that so many of the guys that I helped out, will talk to me but they wonâ??t let it be known. They talk to me but then they say “hey we never talked right?” They think that their spot will get taken away or they will get punished for talking to me. The one thing that I did learn also is that people don’t remember what you did for them in the past. They only think about what you can do for them today or the future.

Are you worried about AIDS?

There is always a fear of being attacked but I carry protection.

Good for you! For those of us who’ve never enjoyed the pleasures of… ugh… receiving anal sex, please tell us… umm… well, does the hole eventually loosen up? What’s it like? Did the first time hurt?

At first it did, now it’s like no big deal anymore. I am just sitting back and watching and taking in everything. This has opened up many doors for me that I would not have been able to do there.

Oh, gross. Anyway, list some asses you’re looking forward to tapping.

CM Punk and Homicide should be on that list. They are awesome. I think that Dan Maff, BJ, Austin Aries, The Havana Pitbulls, and Roderick Strong, all of these guys have it to be huge. Chris Hero is also a future superstar. Petey Williams is also on my list. Watch in the next few months they will be somewhere. I don’t know why people do not use B Boy and Teddy more often as well.

Those poor bastards. Okay Rob, time to wrap up by pretending to still have fans and thanking them for not abandoning you. Slather on the sucking up…

I want to thank all of you who have wrote me letters when I was down and thinking of bad things. It was each of you that kept my spirits up and kept me going on. If it was not for the fans, I would have given up a long time ago. The fans have made my dreams come true. I know this all sounds corny, but if it was not for you, I would never have been able to do everything that I have done. I do alot of the stuff I do because I am like you. I am a fan of this sport. RF VIDEO will continue to be the leader of wrestling videos tapes and DVDs and we will be your one stop shop for wrestling merchandise. Thank you and I hope to see you all at the matches. I also can’t wait to be around all of you again. When I was at the shows the last month, it was just a great feeling. There is something about wrestling that once you watch it and you go to it for a while, it’s in your blood. Thanks for keeping me alive and I will do the best to give you all the best product out there. See you at the matches!!

And there you have it.

Now go here to read the REAL interview with Feinstein.. Thanks to Sean for sending me the interview and okaying me to goof on it… badly.

HOWEVER…. since I’m on the subject…

THINGS ROB FEINSTEIN SAYS THAT SOUND HOMOSEXUAL

Mr. Never Charged has decided to stand proud and continue writing in his Live Journal, so I picked out a few lines he’s recently written that are very innocent, but coming from HIM… sound AWFULLY gay…

There was no way we would ever do the shoot that night as I know I needed 4 hours with him.

We told him a million times that this was going to be easy and he did not need to get into gimmick.

There are no good movies out this week except the football flic. I want to see the puppet movie that is out next week. It looks super funny.

I am so pumped up right now for alot of reasons that we will get into soon.

We ended up walking around the mall for another hour so we ended up in Dicks sporting goods. I was able to get a quick work out in at the free weight section. Got to love it.

When Kamala did arrive he was super cool. A totally down to earth guy and he really took me to suprise how laid back he was.

We made it into town around 4AM. Not before we had a major bathroom stop on the side of the road. Never eat MCD’s after 3AM as something bad can happen to you.

Lanny Poffo was set up next to us at the convention and I had a shoot with him later that day.

I am sitting here in a daze and not from drinking yet.

They make me take everything out of my pockets and shit. SO I go thru again. Same thing alarm goes off. I take off my shoes. Again alarm so the guy is like what do you have on you. I told him my pants had a belt that was permananant and It dont remove from my pants as they are from A F. SO the next thing he said was take them off. I thought the guy was kidding me. I had to go into a room and take them off for them and get the wand.

OK its sushi time

On top of that, the dude can’t spell.

Ah well…

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF THE FUTURE EX MRS TRISH HYATTE

With all this talk of Kane and the WWE having rumored contract disputes, and Kane being rich enough and insulted enough to entertain the thought of walking away from the company, I thought you might like to know that Trish Stratus, from what I understand, is ALSO nearing the end of her contract with the company and is currently negotiating a new one.

Let’s see… here’s a girl, a GIRL who is ALWAYS up for good-will promotional appearences.

Here’s a girl who ALWAYS has a smile for anyone who says hi.

Here’s a girl who ALWAYS puts 100% effort into her job.

Here’s a girl who ALWAYS works on improving her performance

…who ALWAYS tries to strengthen her weak spots.

…who ALWAYS sells.

…who NEVER causes much trouble…

… who is INSANELY over.

…who, despite getting a woman’s push, is a bonafide DRAW

…who is more closely identified with the Raw brand then Triple H himself.

…who DOES WHAT SHE IS TOLD.

…who is a MARVELOUS heel.

…who is a crossover FANTASY.

… who clearly LOVES what she does.

… and who takes it DEAD serious.

… and who might very well be the best woman wrestler in the history… the HISTORY of the sport.

So, to the WWE, please, for once in your cheap ass life… give the girl her due and back a f*cking Brinks Truck to her house… she’s made you some SERIOUS scratch.

What’s right is right.

I KNOW WHAT YOU WATCHED LAST WEEKEND

Top five movies of the week, daddio!!

1) Shark Tale: $31.7 million ($87.7 million total). Yes kids, according to this movie, sharks are really fun-loving, laid back creatures who sound and act JUST like Jack Black. Hit the ocean and make friends with one TODAY!!

Can anyone pinpoint the exact moment Bobby DeNiro said, “Fuck quality, pay me and I’ll make any piece of shit movie you send my way.”

2) Friday Night Lights: $20.5 million opening weekend. For some insane reason, Billy Bob Thorton can seemingly get any girl he wants. Not sure how; not sure why, but I’m reasonably sure Satan has something to do with it.

3) Ladder 49: $13.2 million ($41.1 million total). I must be out of it because, for the LIFE of me, I can’t remember seeing Ladder 1,or Ladder 2,or Ladder 3,or Ladder 4,or Ladder 5,or Ladder 6,or Ladder 7,or Ladder 8,or Ladder 9,or Ladder 10,or Ladder 13,or Ladder 14,or Ladder 15,or Ladder 16,or Ladder 17,or Ladder 18,or Ladder 19,or Ladder 20,or Ladder 21,or Ladder 22,or Ladder 23,or Ladder 24,or Ladder 25,or Ladder 26,or Ladder 27,or Ladder 28,or Ladder 29,or Ladder 31,or Ladder 32,or Ladder 33,or Ladder 34,or Ladder 35,or Ladder 36,or Ladder 37,or Ladder 38,or Ladder 39,or Ladder 40,or Ladder 41,or Ladder 42,or Ladder 43,or Ladder 44,or Ladder 45,or Ladder 46,or Ladder 47,or Ladder 48!, I THINK I remember seeing Ladder 11 and Ladder 12…. wasn’t James Coco in them? And I MIGHT have seen Ladder 30… wasn’t that the one with Greg Evigan back when he thought he was more than just a truck driving bad boy wioth a monkey named “Bear” by his side?

4) Taxi: $12 million opening weekend. Jimmy Fallon doesn’t look like a cop, he looks like the guy who cops like to anally rape with plungers.

You can thank Will Ferrell for this new crop of SNL cast members who leave to make movies now. Fallon may have a shot… but just wait until Horatio Sands starts thinking he’s the next Belushi… THEN the shit’ll go down, ya’ll.

I have no clue what I’m trying to articulate here.

5) The Forgotten: $7.5 million ($48.6 million total) No doubt Julianne Moore is eager to FORGET this movie… heh… ha ha ha… the wit is BACK!!

6) Raise Your Voice: $4.6 million opening weekend. I’ve made my choice… I’m taking Hilary Duff over Lindsay Lohan. Thus, here’s where Hyatte stands on nation-splitting debates:

1- McDonald’s vs Burger King: I take Taco Bell and suck it if you don’t like it.

2- Coke vs Pepsi: Coke

3- Tiffany vs Debbie Gibson: Gibson. I don’t recall ever watching “Electric Youth” without experiencing SOME form of ejaculation

4- Van Halen vs Van Hagar: Diamond Dave.

5- Britney vs Christina: Spears. Aguilara just fronted the image. Britney LIVES it.

6- Led Zep vs Good Music: Good music. Zep sucks, Zep has ALWAYS sucked, and the only reason any of you assholes would disagree is because classic rock stations continue to jam Zepplin down our throats at least 25 times a day… every day

7- Awesome Body vs Awesome Personality: Undecided. If I can get both in one package, why, I’d move to… *gasp*… CANADA for it!

7) Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow: $2.2 million ($33.8 million total). Ironically, there will be NO tomorrow for THIS bomb-tastic franchise… and Jude Law ain’t a star, hate to break it to ya, but no… no he isn’t.

8) Shaun of the Dead: $1.5 million ($9.3 million total). Wasn’t this the zombie parody riff that EVERYONE was screaming about? Was’t this the movie that was supposed to set the film industry ON ITS EAR??? What happened?

In other movie news… how about a little gossip courtesy of my never-met-him/her-before-but-I’ll-still-call-him/her-friend at the very popular A-List Gossip Site!. Why not?

Bill Cosby: Rumored to touch children’s private parts off the set of his shows. Several stories about him being rude to his fans. Rumors abound about his disliking white women. Unfaithful to his wife.

Steve Martin: “Sad and lonely and may suffer from depression.” Long string of unhappily-ended relationships, which would imply that the rumors of him being a prick are true. Reportedly boring in bed. Dumped by Anne Heche for Ellen DeGeneres. Linked with Helena Bonham Carter, Diane Keaton, Bernadette Peters, and Victoria Tennant (who left him because he was “dull”).

Gwen Stefani: Playing for the hometeam. When with men, can only achieve satisfaction through anal sex. “Very insecure and neurotic.” “A shoplifter and a hardcore bitch.” Linked with Adam Duritz and Gavin Rossdale.

Derek Jeter: Slut. Acts very rudely to ordinary people. “Sleeps around A LOT.” His behavior after the Yankees acquired A-Rod just shows what a colossal ego Jeter has. “He’s not afraid of one-night stands, especially with college-age females.” “Loves skanky Latino girls.” “Seems to leave all his endurance on the field, if you know what I mean.” Linked with Jordana Brewster, Mariah Carey (although I got one e-mail which claimed that Jeter memorably rejected her, to the degree that “to jeter” has become a verb. Couldn’t happen to a nicer girl), and MTV VJ Vanessa Minnillo.

Nicholas Cage: Long-time heroin user. Didn’t make it through high school. Attacks paparazzi. Has at least dabbled in (and with, and on) men. “Was such an asshole on the set of Wind Talkers, that the crew referred to him as “Nick The Dick” behind his back.” Reported to have a large snuff film collection, which is what broke up his marriage to Patricia Arquette. Doesn’t tip (shame on you!). Formerly with Patricia Arquette (ex-wife), Laura Dern, Angelina Jolie, Sarah Jessica Parker, Lisa Marie Presley, and Uma Thurman.

Frank Langella: “Out of his mind and MUST SEDUCE EVERYONE ALWAYS.”

The Cos? A kiddie DIDDLER??? My God!

I’m sure a good chunk of you have no clue who Frank Langella is… but trust me, he’s creepy… and he shags (or shagged) Whoopie Goldberg… and he’s WHITE!!

WRITING WITH BONERS

I started this bit last week, and lo and behold, it went over pretty well!! So we’ll try it again!

Someone showed me a site filled with “Erotic wrestling fiction”… in other words, bad writers telling sex stories starring YOUR favorite wrestlers.

So I thought it might be fun to take a snippet from one of the stories and post it for shits and giggles…

But then it occured to me that this is a FAMILY FRIENDLY column… and some of this stuff is too damn gosh darn racy for my more sensitive readers…

So I went Mad Libs on the bad part… but with a THEME to the Mad Libs.

Trust me, this might just take off.

So, I present to you, a few cuts from Tammy Sytch: Crackwhore Part 4

The Mad Lib theme this week: Sesame Street!

Enjoy!

Tammy didn’t know whether she was in heaven or hell, loving or hating the sensations she was feeling. The (BERT) in her(ERNIE) and the mouth on her (OSCAR THE GROUCH) felt wonderful, but the burning in her (GROVER) was painful. Just when she thought she would black out from the pain she felt both (COOKIE MONSTERS) throb and release at the exact same time. Both loads were huge, gushing and gushing inside her (MISS PIGGY) and (GONZO), overflowing her orifices.

Tammy got up, fixed her skirt and walked back to the car, (FRAGGLE ROCK) still dripping from both (DOOZERS), running down the inside of her thighs. The guys gave her a ride to Rasheed and Darnell’s. She thanked them and got out of the car.

She entered their place, Rasheed and Darnell weren’t there. There was only one guy sitting there, watching TV.

“Who are you? Where are Rasheed and Darnell?” Tammy asked.

“My name is Quincy, I’m a friend of Rasheed and Darnell. They went to a party, they’ll be home later.”

“Shit! I wanted to buy some (MR. SNUFFALUFFAGUS), I’ve got to get a fix or I’m gonna go crazy.”

“You smoke? (BOOBER), I can hook you up.”

“Great, how much do you want?”

“Nah, baby, I don’t want money, I’ve got plenty of money from dealing, but I haven’t had a good piece of (GOBO) in a long time, and I’ve heard about
you.”

“Wait a minute. I’ll do whatever you want, but no (DR STRANGEPORK). You can have my (BEAUREGARD), my (ANIMAL), my (MUPPETS TAKE MANHATTAN), anything, just please don’t touch my (JUNIOR GORG).”

“Okay, baby, it’s a deal.”

Quincy hands Tammy a (1…2….3….4..) vial which she quickly places in her purse. She then immediatley drops to her knees and unzips his pants. She begins by licking his (BIG BIRD), letting his limp (UNCLE MATT) rest on her face as she works. She rubs his (RADISH GARDEN) as she (CAN YOU TELL ME) his (HOW TO GET), his (HOW TO GET TO) stiffening directly in front of her face. Once he’s hard she begins to bob up and down on his (SESAME STREET), but her neck is sore and stiff from all the (HENSON) she’s done tonight.

“What’s wrong?” Quincy asked.

“Nothing, I just can’t take it down my throat anymore. How about I finish you with my (COUNT CHOCULA), sweetie. Whadya say, how about a nice (ZOE)?”

“Okay, that’s cool.” he stammered.

Quincy then placed his stiff (TRASH HEAP) in between Tammy’s large silicone (GORGS), and began humping. Tammy squeezed her (MOKEY) together around is big black (WEMBLEY). As she looked down at the big black (KERMIT) coming just inches from her face with each stroke she got really turned on. She was on her back getting (THE FROG), she started to look up at him and talk dirty.

“You like (MISS PIGGY), baby? Huh? You want to give me a (SWEDISH CHEF)? You want to (STATLER) all over my (WALDORF)

All Quincy could do was moan and keep pumping. Tammy stuck her (SPROCKET) out and began to lick the head of his (SCOOTER) each time it came forward, peeking out of her massive (TICKLE). Quincy could take no more. His body jerked and he released stream after stream of (ME). The first few shots flew right up over Tammy’s face and struck the arm of the couch. A little bit landed on her chin, but most of his thick, white (ELMO) landed all over her neck and chest, giving her the(FOZZIE) she requested.

The two cleaned up and sat down chatting, pulling out the vial of (BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER H) and smoking it together. Eventually they passed out on the couch.

You…. you people have some SERIOUS issues.

DOING LINES CAUGHT ON FILM

I found a few websites, and a lot of you have been GREAT with the submissions. I’m doing okay with movies/TV shit… so if you don’t mind, focus on wrestling. I need wrestling promoes and little quips. Thanks.

Let’s switch things up this week and do TV only quotes…. why not? I have some killer riffs here from the boob tube…. the idiot box…. the…

Ridiculous. TV is maybe the most educational medium we have. Culturally, how else are we supposed to know how to dress? How to mack? How to think?

Anyway… here’s a nice selection for you to enjoy:

01): I am not dead. I refuse to believe there is an afterlife which is run by the likes of you! The universe is not that badly designed!Star Trek: The Next Generation

02): I never play the television. It’s a curse, you know, television.– Peter Jennings on some interview

03): Are you in the Mafia?

Am I in the what?

Whatever you want to call it. Organized crime.

That’s total crap, who told you that?

Dad, I’ve lived in the house all my life. I’ve seen the police come with warrants. I’ve seen you going out at three in the morning.

So you never seen Doc Cusamano going out at three in the morning on a call?

Did the Cusamano kids ever find $50,000 in krugerrandts and a .45 automatic while they were hunting for Easter eggs?

I’m in the waste management business. Everybody immediately assumes you’re mobbed up. It’s a stereotype. And it’s offensive. And you’re the last person I would want to perpetuate it.

Fine. There is no Mafia.

Alright look, Med, you’re a grown woman, almost. Some of my money comes from illegal gambling and whatnot. How does that make you feel?

At least you don’t keep denying it, like Mom. Kids in school think it’s actually kinda neat.

They seen The Godfather, right?

Not really. “Casino” we like, Sharon Stone, the 70’s clothes, pills…

I’m not asking about those bums. I’m asking about you.

Sometimes I wish you were like other dads. But then, like… Mr. Scangarelo for example? An advertising executive for big tobacco. Or lawyers? So many dads are full of shit.

Oh, and I’m not.

You finally told the truth about this.

Look, Med, part of my income comes from legitimate businesses, stock market…

Look, Dad, please, okay? Don’t start mealy-mouthing.- The Sopranos

04): What does a yellow light mean?

Slow down.

Okay. What…does…a…yellow…light…mean?- Taxi

05): I knew what you were up to Penguin so I gently coated my stomach with buttermilk.Batman

06):The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!The Simpsons

07): Welcome to…Hitler! Today on Hitler, we’ll be talking with Hollywood hunk, Christian Slater.

Now, so, tell me in your next movie, will we get to see your butt?

Yes, uh, yes you do.

Can we see it right now?

Well, uh, allright, for you Hitler…

Oh! Oh! He’s going to do it!

If you’re going to be in the Los Angelos area and would like tickets to see Hitler, call 1-800-DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN!!!!!!!!!!- Family Guy

08): What percentage of the population do you think is good looking?

Like 20-25 percent.

5 percent.

How are all these people getting together?

Alcohol.- Seinfeld

09): His last album sold five million copies.

Oh, well then, I’ll just add that to my list of reasons to die.- Frasier

10): I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”– “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey” on Saturday Night Live

12): You’ve got 12 kids?. I like smoking cigars but I take them out of my mouth every once and a while….– Groucho Marx: You Bet Your Life (Comment was edited out for broadcast.)

13): Federal marshals are so far up my ass I can taste Brylcreem.The Sopranos

14): Hollywood’s a great place to live…if you’re a grapefruit.– Rod Sterling: TV interview

15): Q, you exceed your own standards of selfish preoccupation!Star Trek: The Next Generation

Dig that last one. Try to say it in a fast, angry hiss. Go ahead, say that last line in a super fast, angry hiss….

Now sell it. Make it WORK. Make it sound NATURAL!!

YOU CAN’T!!!

Patrick Stewart can, and did…. and by CHRIST, that’s why he’s a hell of a good actor and you ain’t.

Ya know somethin’, I’m gonna kill it now. I’m tired, you’re annoying, and we all have much better things to do.

Kiss my ass, scrags.

This is Hyatte