Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Imation CD-Rs. They are really cheap, like 100 for $10. They do tend to skip in the car, though. Yeah, it’s one of those weeks…
If anything, 50 Cent really looks like the guy who played Roger on What’s Happening. Not sure if I’m the first to notice this.
Mike Lawrence
He also looks like the late Shirley Hemphill, rest her soul.
THE OFFICIAL SATURDAY SWINDLE SHEET NEW WAVE MIXTAPE
(Part 8 of 16)
Talking Heads, “Psycho Killer”
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
I am already waaaay too late with this thing to write out extended plugs, so, read all of these columns, which I have likened to some of my favorite cheap beers…
I have also likened the site’s most recent CD reviews to some of my favorite malt liquors, which are all cheap…
NEWS TO USE
Following up on a story from The Saturday Swindle Sheet #58…
The state of Illinois has filed a lawsuit [against] the Dave Matthews Band for an August 8th incident in which the band’s tour bus reportedly dumped over 800 pounds of sewage from their septic tank and down through the metal grating of the Kinzie Street Bridge. The entire contents of the septic tank were more than likely intended to drop into the Chicago River, but instead landed on a tour boat that was filled with over 100 people. While the driver of the bus has said that he was not involved in the incident, the city of Chicago has surveillance footage showing a bus that closely resembles the band’s tour bus going over the bridge; at almost the same exact time that the boat was reportedly showered with human waste. When asked how it feels to be showered with human waste, one the tour boat’s passengers said, “Hey, it could have been worse. It could have been the Limp Bizkit tour bus showering us with their music.”
The band has attempted to try and make up for their faux pas by donating $50,000 each to Friends of the Chicago River, a nonprofit organization that helps protect the river, and the Chicago Park District. They posted a message on their website saying, We hope by reaching out and helping now this will help demonstrate our commitment to step up if we are found to be the responsible party… Besides donating funds, they have also suspended their bus driver, as well as tried to get in contact with the people, through the boat tour operator, who were affected by the expulsion of the waste. A spokesperson of the attorney general’s office said that although the “gesture of goodwill” is appreciated, it would not affect the still pending legal action against the band. She also said that the donations would not have any effect on the fact that 50 Cent looks like Boutros-Boutros Gali.
Following up on another story, this time a freeze-dried one from the 3/20 edition of The Saturday Swindle Sheet…
Speaking of Courtney Love, she appeared on The Late Show with David Letterman on Wednesday to promote her new album. During the interview, she acted like a complete rube … The real hubbub, though, came later that night, when Love appeared at Plaid, an East Village club, for its rock ‘n’ roll night. She was performing onstage when she tossed a microphone stand into the crowd, hitting a man in the head. Love had no idea that it had struck anyone, but was arrested in her dressing room after the man said that he wanted to press charges. She will be due in court to answer to two misdemeanor charges on April 19th (which ended up getting pushed back due to other shit). In a related story, the judicial system has given Courtney Love a frequent court hearing punch card, which mean that after 10 court appearance[s], she gets one free, along with a medium Pepsi and a bag of chips.
This past Wednesday, Love pleaded guilty to charges of disorderly conduct for the mic stand incident. “I just wanted it to be over,” she told reporters. A Manhattan Criminal Court judge ordered Love to pay the victim’s medical expenses (he had to get staples in his head to close the wound that had been sustained), adding up to $2336, along with attending drug-treatment counseling, and staying crime-free for a year. If she is able to do all of those, her case will be sealed after a year. If she is not, then Hell will not freeze over, and pigs will not fly.
Bob Geldof and Midge Ure, founders of the Band Aid charity organization, are reportedly planning a remake of 1984’s single, “Do They Know It’s Christmas,” which was recorded to raise money for starving Ethiopians. According to Ure, who recently spoke with London’s The Sun tabloid, “It’s definitely going to happen. I’m very excited … This project is not just about raising money. It’s about putting the focus back on Africa and the problem of famine which has not gone away.” While the original single featured popular musicians such as Bono, Phil Collins, Sting, and Boy George, The Sun says that Geldof and Ure have been in talks with musicians including Coldplay, The Darkness, Robbie Williams, Dido, and Cannibal Corpse.
Middle Tennessee State University has enlisted the help of OutKast’s Big Boi to try and keep their football team in the NCAA’s Division I. The NCAA rules are that a team must average 15,000 fans per game to stay in the top division, and the school’s Blue Raiders football team has struggled to get just over 14,000 fans in its first two home games. So, in an attempt to get attendance up, the school scheduled a free Big Boi concert immediately following Saturday’s home game against Idaho. After the game ended, no one was able to enter the stadium, making it so that anyone who wanted to see the concert would have to sit through the game first. Taking a page from MSTU’s book, First Presbyterian Church of Lawrence, Kansas, has scheduled a free Cradle of Filth concert after next Sunday’s morning service, but patrons must stay for the sermon in order to see the band.
BITS ‘N’ PIECES
Mexican singer/songwriter Julieta Venegas was the top winner at the Latin American MTV Video Music Awards ceremony this past Thursday. Venegas, who is also known for her squeezebox playing, picked up three awards, for Artist of the Year, Best Solo Act, and Best Mexican Artist. Rock en español band Café Tacuba won two awards, as did Maroon 5, which is not a Latin American band, but they bribed a lot of people and were given trophies for Best Hair and Best Band with a Number in It.
Bo Diddley (né Ellas Bates McDaniel) was forced to cancel a concert in California last Thursday in order to further recover from a recent toe amputation. 50 Cent looks like Toby Bonagura.
Marc Almond, formerly of Soft Cell, is in stable condition after being severely injured in a motor accident last Sunday. Almond was riding as a passenger on a motorcycle when it collided with a car in central London, propelling he and the driver from the bike, causing severe head injuries to both of them. Ben and Jerry have announced that in support of the musician, they will release a flavor called “Marc Almond.” It will be slightly fruity but will become a cult classic.
Melissa Etheridge underwent a dual surgery to treat her breast cancer this past week. She said to be in good spirits, but still has more surgeries to come. Etheridge was forced to cancel several scheduled concert dates this month in order to receive her treatment.
Bowling for Soup has recorded a version of the theme from the 1960s sitcom Gilligan’s Island. It will be featured as the theme song for the upcoming TBS reality show The Real Gilligan’s Island. For those of you who don’t know, Bowling for Soup is some random crap-pop-punk band that doesn’t really matter. No they don’t.
THE LATE NIGHT JUKEBOX
Hello all, for those who don’t know me, I’m one of the Comics folk here at IP. Musically speaking, I was raised on early 80’s pop and later on heavy metal. Over the years I’ve gone on music binges, taking on periods of musical history and eating them up. I generally have a weakness for harmonies and female vocalists, so here are the things that make me stop and consider the world. Music that I use to relax, and moreso music that make me focus on the various aspects of my life. The music I like to think to, which I do my best late at night.. thusly the list. Some of it is very obviously relaxation music, but there is also some stuff much closer to ‘sad songs’ and ‘weird songs’ because I generally listen to a lot of the latter.
Hope you enjoy.
Leonard Cohen, “Hallelujah”
I will start it off with one of my favorite folk singers. Cohen has had a career of singing songs that make you question things. So here is this pseudo-hymn that just hypnotizes you with his deep throaty voice and puts a feeling of faith in you. Faith in what? Up to you, but you can’t walk away from this song without hearing him pushing the upper level of his voice and just sway with it.
And even though – It all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Lorena McKennitt, “The Mystic’s Dream”
Significance between me and this song goes a long way back, as it was a favorite of a friend of mine who passed away a growing number of years ago. McKennitt is excellent relax and fade out music, and between this and her version of “Greensleeves,” I could probably never have to worry about needing an album to relax me – but this one is my song of remembrance.
The eyes declare a truce of trust
And then it draws me far away
Josh Joplin Group, “Dutch Wonderland”
Josh is my guy who you have probably never heard of. He had one minor (very minor) hit called Camera One, and I took a chance on his CD Useful Music and he has this near Michael Stipe sound to his voice, and all of the music is lyrically smart. This is a song nearer to the end of the CD, and it is the song that makes you remember what being a kid was like. It’s a song about loss of innocence and it starts warm, describing the snowy hills of Pennsylvania, but as it wears on takes on a feeling of innocence lost. I recommend anyone who digs that folksy kind of sound to go check him out.
Until one day the sky fell in and freedom lost control
And ran off the road and hit a pole
The Refreshments, “Down Together”
Another band that you might go, “Umm.. huh?” to. These guys actually had a fairly decent little buzz hit in the 90’s called “Bandito”. This one is about two cute kids just sharing. It’s actually the first song on this list that doesn’t make me think as much, it’s just fun. It hits the right sentimental note in me. It has that great feeling of that first meeting when everything is fresh and cute and first grader. I dig that feeling. I dig this song.
I could give you a star
You could give me one too
And that way we’d be even
Extreme, “iii: Who Cares?”
One of my favorite albums of all times is Extreme’s 3 Sides To Every Story. Sadly their follow up album wasn’t great, but this was their peak. The hook of this song is that at the end of it ties together the prior two songs to this amazing crescendo that still gives me goose bumps to this day. Add to it that their voices never sounded more in tune and on key. If I had one CD that I had to listen to for the rest of my life without anything else, It would easily be this CD without second-guessing at all.
Remember me, I am the one
Who lost his way, your Prodigal Son
Suzanne Vega, “Marlena on the Wall”
Vega is great. She was the one you remember from such songs that got stuck in your head as “Tom’s Diner” and “Luka” but she actually put out quite a few albums of some excellent music. This song is her praise to Marena Dietrich and that era. It’s vivid and sad, and you feel the emotions of the woman walking through the song. I originally heard this song when she did a Saturday Night Live appearance many years ago – and I had such a crush on her… so I guess this song just reminds me how damned sexy that girl is.
And I tried so hard to resist
As you held me in your handsome fist,
and reminded me of the night we kissed
and of why I should be leaving.
Blink-182, “Adam’s Song”
I think Blink-182 had something pretty good going. They were showing a development in their music, and anyone who doubts that should listen to this song. It’s this odd little suicide song that ends with a glimmer of hope. Now, I know you might say ‘Oh, they were just selling to the growing emo crowd’ but I just don’t think so. The sincere apologetic nature of the song is much better than most of the unapologetically sad crap out there all wrapped in a fake tour song.
I trace the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
Eric Clapton, “Wonderful Tonight”
This one is for Danielle, and is our song. Cheesy, yes, but shortly after we started seeing each other a musician at our local Open Mic played this incredibly week after week.. it just kind of fit. So yeah, there is my song that just makes me feel all warm and stupid. I can sit and listen to it and immediately I smile and I chill out from whatever grumpy sarcastic destroy humanity emotions I had going up until then.
I feel wonderful
Because I see the love light in your eyes
Queen, “I Want It All”
No list of music done by me would be without a song from Queen. They are the embodiment of everything I love about music, not to mention that Freddie Mercury had one of the most amazing voices in rock and roll. I Want It All was my anthem for the longest time, and it still holds true. Now I just want it all AND I want to see the Queen musical that’s playing in England…
It ain’t much I’m asking I heard him say
Gotta find me a future move out of my way
Aerosmith, “Fly Away From Here”
I think every classic band has their “Freebird” song. The song about getting up and leaving and never coming back. Call it a fantasy for a hopeless romantic, but this song is best to listen to on a rainy day when nothing is going right. This is Aerosmith’s attempt at a song like Freebird, and it holds true. There is a big harmony at the end, and no matter it’s cliched nature it is probably my favorite song off of all the “Just Play It” album.
maybe you and I
can pack our bags and hit the sky
Barenaked Ladies, “Tonight Is the Night I Fell Asleep at the Wheel”
Okay, so this choice is REALLY oddball. The song is literally about a guy who dies driving home and going to see his girl. The problem is that it is done in this very slow dramatic waltz that leads you through the song and to the ending which is that his girl is the only thing he can think about when he finally dies. It’s your classic love/disaster song.
In all the confusion, there’s something serene
I’m just a posthumous part of the scene
Crash Test Dummies, “Superman’s Song”
Now being that I’m a comic book fan, I had to have at least one good comic song in here. I think with the exception of the Ramones covering the Spiderman theme, this is the most perfect comic hero song that has ever been put to track. It teaches you everything you’ve ever needed to know about power and responsibility. Superman can do whatever the hell he wants, but he has enough respect for the world to not only do right, but to do anything. Another perfect song to relax to, again, because I have a deep voice that loves singing in that Crash Test Dummy range (3 octaves below where dogs can here)
And sometimes I despair the world will never see
Another man like him
FROM THE LABELS
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INFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up in the CD carousel as I wrote this week’s column…
New Order, “Dreams Never End”
VNV Nation, “Epicentre”
Slick Rick, “Mona Lisa”
Smashing Pumpkins, “Sweet Sweet”
Snake River Conspiracy, “Vulcan”
Cake, “Commissioning a Symphony in C”
LL Cool J, “Around the Way Girl”
Lord Tariq & Peter Gunz, “Déjàvu (Uptown Baby)”
Meridian Conspiracy, “Safari Moon”
And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead, “Heart in the Hand of the Matter”
Echo & the Bunnymen, “Cut & Dried”
St. Germain, “La Goutte D’Or”
Kool Keith, “Big Frank”
Berlin, “When Love Goes to War”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Amica Mutual Insurance Co. has sued singer Lenny Kravitz for over $325,000, claiming that an overflowing toilet in his New York apartment last August was left unchecked and ended up causing “catastrophic water damage” to another tenant’s apartment on the floor below. The insurance company is also seeking an additional $8,849.77 for “subjecting the public to that terrible new hairdo.”
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Gordi Whitelaw on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and all my ex’s live in Texas.
Cheers
-JF2k4!
