InsidePulse’s WWE Byte This Report: 10.20.04

Sorry I’m so late, but I was in NYC all week at a film festival and I could care less about Byte This when I’m hammered at Don Hill’s on free Reingold beer.

Generic theme #1005 brings us to… Byte This! Mark Lloyd starts us off but Josh is still filming something or other so it’s just my least favorite announcer to start. Taboo Tuesday was great, Nowinski will give us an update, Big Show will be here, Stacy Kiebler will talk about schoolgirl crap, and of course, Droz. Pimps Chavo’s return to Smackdown and Heidenreich’s first match, along with the eight finalists for Tough Enough. Mark names off the contestants as I ponder how the hell fans could ever understand what makes a good wrestler when all they’ll see are wacky skits involving retired wrestlers and pie eating contests. Mark begins to talk about the online fantasy game, and apparently the “experts” tell him that Shelton Benjamin is the hot prospect in the game but Snitsky and Edge are close behind. Commercial break!

Not really, it’s apparently edited. Josh is back as I ponder what I missed there by not listening to this live on Wednesday. Droz is here… no wait, he’s buried in technical f*ck ups. Josh makes fun of the show while Mark tries to bring things to Taboo Tuesday talk. Blah blah corporate talk blah, and now Droz the Corporate Shill is actually here. Droz loved Taboo Tuesday, of course. He thought it was exciting for the fans and the wrestlers, HBK was professional, Snitsky’s victory was a shock, all the usual blab. I miss the GOSSIP! Where’s the good gossip? Smackdown talk doesn’t go anywhere interesting, although Droz makes a weird remark about his crippling neck injury being like Chavo’s mild concussion. Let’s hope that came from the heart and wasn’t put in his mouth, because as much as I hate his segment I think his very real injury should earn him more respect than that, along with a WWE paycheck ’til he’s 100. Droz is dumped, the boys talk about Cena’s fake bar fight, make fun of each other, and take a break.

Promo for Foley’s four year old kid’s book.

Clips of the Chris Nowinski Yale prank from Tough Enough 1. Remember when Tough Enough was cool?

Nowinski’s on the line. Apparently he’s the touring face of Smackdown Your Vote, along with Mark Henry. Remember that big gorilla? Anywho, he’s been writing for the website and gives a pretty convincing speech about how much young fans should vote. Apparently, we will prove that young people can make a difference. Yeah! I’m gonna rock the vote! Josh changes topics and brings up the new Tough Enough. Chris doesn’t think that that any Tough Enough could be as interesting as the first one because no one knew what to expect. He covers his tracks by saying that this new crop looks like a bunch of “hosses,” and I curl up into a ball and cringe so hard that my ears hurt. Mark asks what it was like to train under Al Snow, and of course, it was great and WWE was great and the new kids can expect a wealth of wisdom. Josh says WWE about 20 times before saying fans would have voted off Nowinski first if they would have been voting. Nowinski doesn’t even think the fans should vote, which is great of him to say. Ali from Camadam (blame mush mouth Josh, I listened to it three times just to come up with that city name) is lost to the Byte This f*ck up void, so Mark Lloyd asks Chris when he will be coming back to the WWE. Apparently he has a chance if he goes without symptoms for a few months, but he has only gone one week without a massive headache. That sucks. Josh asks him if he has continued his book on catastrophic injuries in sports, and Ali has called back… or not? They blame her for the hang up but we Byte This fans know better. Josh dumps Nowinski and talks voting with Mark before going to break.

Promo for Tough Enough IV: Blood Wings of the Devil Fish. Or whatever.

Clips of Guerrero/Show vs. Luther/Angle.

Big Show is here and Josh gets to the hard-hitting questions: Is there some sort of alliance forming between Show and Guerrero. Show laughs and thinks that it sounds too much like a super hero team. You didn’t think the Alliance was so funny when you were chokeslamming Leviathan down in OVW, didja? Anywho, they both hate Kurt and Eddie is a funny guy. Show thinks that Angle gives excuses as to why he lost at the PPV, and beating a dude as tough as Kurt Angle is pretty damn impressive regardless of why. Show will give anybody a rematch and thinks you don’t become a legend while sitting on the bench. Josh asks what it’s like to be shot with a tranquilizer dart, and Show thinks it’s like being stung by a giant bee before going “comfortably numb.” Mark lies his ass off and says everyone has been saying how good the Show’s conditioning looks. Show thinks he still looks fat but he feels better since he’s been doing strong rehab and training correctly. Show has no illusions about his physical shape despite Josh trying to prompt him into saying he’s in the best shape of his entire life. Show though he was skinny at 330 lbs, which blows everyone away including me. Show thinks he could prolong his career if he got down to 420, especially because he used to barely crawl out of bed when he tipped the scales over 500. Kelly from Texas asks when he would do more commercials, and how it was to feud with Bossman. Josh only heard the second question and repeats it. Show loved the Bossman and thought he was a nice guy and helped Show go from being a rookie punk to a somewhat decent guy. Apparently Bossman thought that when Show pressed him, it was unbelievable. Josh asks about Jindrack and Reigns, and Show thinks that they’re green but talented, blah blah blah. He thinks that Kurt’s giving them a pretty strong rub and his amazing technical ability can do nothing but help those two. Mark asks him what is coming up next, and Show thinks that putting together a Survivor Series team would be cool. He also pimps an appearance on Enterprise, which might be the coolest thing to every happen on that sorry ass show. Yeah, that’s right, I hate Enterprise, so what. The boys dump Show and bicker with someone offscreen before going to break.

Clips of Stacy at the Make A Wish Foundation awards ceremony, which is pretty cool. Kudos to any celebrity who takes the time to do something for handicapped kids.

Clips of Stacy winning some damn match.

Josh tells us Stacy will join us shortly, so Mark Lloyd interrupts and it prompts a pretty real sounding fight between the two idiots. Stacy shows up and they ask a question about what it takes to marry Stacy Kiebler. They ask the fans to e-mail them about what they would offer her for marrying them. They talk about the schoolgirl match, and of course she loved it and it was great and blah blah blah. They make fun of Molly before asking her about how she managed to beat Molly on Raw. Stacy admits that it was more of a lucky break, but Mark blusters on about what a good wrestler she is. Stacy thanks him before Josh asks why she doesn’t get along with Trish. Stacy sounds hesitant so they put a bunch of words in her mouth before she imitates Trish whining about not being the 2004 Internet Babe of the Year or whatever fake award Stacy “won.” They talk about some magazine Diva shoot and blab on about how great everyone looks and how excited the fans will be. Josh, Mark and Stacy pretend to like the Carmella/Christy match from the PPV although Stacy hints at how absolutely sucky it really was. Mark pretends to act like a Lawler-style slimeball, but he sucks at that too. Josh brings up Make A Wish, and Stacy tells us that she’s been volunteering for the foundation since she was a teenager. She is glad that her contributions can be for the actual kids these days instead of behind the scenes, and she mentions how the other award winners were surprised that the WWE was such a big wish granter. She also talks about her work meeting the troops and a proposed trip to Iraq for another Smackdown. Mark tries to be cute and flirty about the schoolgirl outfit, and Josh dumps Stacy.

Guest thanking all around, Mark brings up Tough Enough IV: Al Snow Takes Manhattan for a moment, Josh pimps Smackdown, says “off the chain,” and we’re out!

End clips of Carlito Cool vs. Mysterio. No 24/7 promo commercial this week, which is a huge bummer. Otherwise this was an okay show that sorely needs some insider dirt; between Mark Lloyd’s awfulness and Josh Matthews’ softball questions this is fast becoming the most boring internet wrestling show that isn’t broadcast from a teenager’s room, and at least those kids talk to crazy assholes like Tom Zenk and New Jack. By the way, as of Monday night at 7:30 they still haven’t announced their guests for Wednesday’s show.