If you’re still reading this you really should check out Gloomchen’s column. It’s more “horrifyingly real” than any documentary. My god, that column is amazing.
Now that you’re back (but I don’t blame those of you who didn’t return) let’s get on with the show.
I’ve proclaimed my undying love for BET UnCut before. And some people over in Shelbyville have used that program as a means of undermining BET’s protest of Eminem’s video.
Yes, BET UnCut isn’t the greatest program in the world. (Or is that “No, BET UnCut isn’t the greatest program in the world?”)
Yes, many “artists” whose videos play on the program, don’t really have anything to offer other than T&A.
And yes, many of the videos could be construed as “sexually exploitative.”
But dammit, BET UnCut is my only chance to see any real booty. I live in Las Vegas! Breasts and cleavage are plentiful (and completely acceptable to have, to stare at, and to drool over) but booty is a rare occurrence. Women out here are too obsessed with appearance, and while thick lips have gained prominence, a thick booty is still years away from being permissible.
Would those of you on the moral high ground deny me, a guy who spent years in Baltimore, a place that’s booty quotient is second only to the South, my only chance at seeing booty on a regular basis? Remember there are actual people who are affected by your actions. And if BET UnCut leaves the air, then the terrorists have won, because they hate us for our booty.
The Column Proper
Remember when XXL announced The 10 Most Anticipated Hip-Hop Albums of 2004? Yes you do. It was the issue with Eminem on the cover, where he responds to The Source Tape. Remember there was even a special on MTV2? See I knew you’d remember.
(Hold on, as I’m typing this the new Nore video came on. I’ve got to admit Nina Sky is/are hot. I so wish I was back East, because I bet their blowing up. What’s really nutty is that I’m usually drawn to darker women, but recently I’ve been on a light-skinned tip. But that’s a topic for a column that doesn’t exist anymore.)
Well I decided to dig up that issue and see how those “anticipated” albums lived up to the hype.
Eminem
Title: To Be Determined
Quarter: Third
Well the album got pushed back to the Fourth quarter and it got a title Encore. The first single Just Lose It was a disappointment to many. In fact I only know of one person who really enjoyed it, and I think he’s really on Aftermath/Shady/G-Unit payroll. Even my roommate who could only be deemed a casual Hop Hop fan said it was wack.
The second single Mosh just got a video, and I have it on good authority (my man Jason) that it’s a decent follow up.
Clearly this album will break all sorts of sales records and fans will go bananas. But the answer as to whether it will be any good remains to be seen.
Dr. Dre
Title: Detox
Quarter: Fourth
To paraphrase that guy from the Red Stripe commercial; “this album’s been canceled.”
Big surprise here. Dre has a habit of not living up the hype. Remember Aftermath Presents? Or how about that NWA reunion? Maybe the joint album with Timbaland? Why anyone still looks up to a guy who reached his zenith a decade ago is beyond me. He’s wack.
50 Cent
Title: To Be Determined
Quarter: Third
Gee the third quarter has come and gone. I’ll give 50 the benefit of the doubt and say that he was too busy pushing G-Unit, Lloyd Banks, and Young Buck releases, while simultaneously freeing Yayo and dissing R Kelly to have actually completed an album. It’s also fair to say his stock is really plummeting, and that third quarter release date would have been the best time to release in order to maximize sales while still capitalizing on his “hot” status.
We did learn that 50 is going to become a movie star. But if 50 beats Randy Newman for “Best Song” Oscar there will be a riot.
Kanye West
Title: College Dropout
Quarter: First
Four albums in and we finally have an album that was actually released! Not only was it released, but also it actually lived up to the hype. Many hailed it as the best “Hip Hop” album of the year. It was also Roc-A-Fella’s second release of the year, and it’s most profitable. It spawned four singles and is an unabashed success.
But it also lead everyone to get more than their daily requirement of Kanye. The guy was inescapable. He was cool that Janet single and Alicia’s single, because he was only producing. However I got tired of hearing him on everyone else’s song. But should we be surprised? He recorded a song with his mouth wired shut, proving nothing will silence him.
Baby and R. Kelly
Title: Best of Both Worlds: Ghetto Thriller
Quarter: Second
Now really, was anyone anticipating this one? Thankfully it never saw the light of day. If anything good came out of R. Kelly taping himself urinating on an underage girl, other than hours of viewing enjoyment, it was that this album never came out.
dead prez
Title: RBG
Quarter: Second
We’re at number six and only two albums have seen the light of day. This album met with label snafus. But it did come out and it was critically hailed. It also got a huge boost from having a Jay-Z appearance on the Hell Yeah (Pimp The System) remix.
It’s a solid album that got next to no airplay. It should have done much better than it did.
Rakim
Title: TBD
Quarter: Second
Rakim’s legendary album with super producer Dr. Dre. Let’s add this Dre’s previous list of “didn’t live up to the hype” projects. Rakim actually left Aftermath without putting an album out, just like Eve.
My aforementioned friend Jason and I have speculated, literally for years, that this album wouldn’t ever come out. We thought that the pressure was far to great on Rakim, the master. Rakim is an MC that today’s greats look up to. If he came out and flopped his legacy would be tarnished. Not to mention if he was outshined on his inevitable paring with label mate Eminem, things wouldn’t be good. We figured Rakim would cut his loses and retire to promote Hennesey or St. Ides.
Of course we didn’t take into account the flaky nature of Dr. Dre, which was probably a factor. Either way the albums not coming out.
Ghostface
Title: The Pretty Toney Album
Quarter: Second
Yes, another album that was released right on time. Everything about this album is correct. Well except that it was highly anticipated. This album flopped. It’s really sad, because it’s one of the best releases of the year, in any genre.
The production is tight, the album is entertaining and though provoking, providing everything you look for in Ghostface album. Well everything except Raekwon. This is one album that should have done better. Hopefully Ghost will take home MTV2’s Shortlist Prize.
Clipse
Title: Hell Hath No Fury
Quarter: Second
Yet another no-show. This is one album that I was kind of anticipating. I enjoyed their debut, and was interested in to see if there would be any growth. But the Neptunes decided to do another N-E-R-D project and now seem to be devoting their energy to their newest label signee; Snoop Dogg. Sadly the Clipse appear to be overshadowed.
M.O.P.
Title: Ghetto Warfare
Quarter: Second
Remember when I said that Kanye was Roc-A-Fella’s second release? It was also their last to date. Since M.O.P. are on the Roc, that means their album has yet to drop, further frustrating the fans of this Brownsville duo.
(They did release a rock album but it wasn’t really “anticipated”)
The Roc has really been in a state of disarray since Jay retired and M.O.P seem to be a victim of that chaos. Hopefully ’05 will see the Roc releasing some more albums, perchance ever a M.O.P. joint.
So let’s break down those 10 albums.
Number of albums actually released (as of this writing): Three (Kanye, dead prex, Ghostface)
Number of albums still expected to be released this year: One (Eminem)
Number of albums that are definitely not coming out: Two (Dr. Dre, Rakim)
Number of albums probably not coming out: One (Baby & R. Kelly)
Number of albums that have been pushed back to next year at the earliest: Three (Clipse, 50 Cent, M.O.P.)
Now that you’ve finished reading this, read these;
Springfield
Aaron also discusses booty, but of the white variety. Nick on the other hand continues breaking down his Mixtape Masterpiece. I got an advanced copy, and one day I’ll do a dissection of my own.
Jeff is full of news, 50 Cent, and apparently a ghost on the Jukebox. Wait a minute; I thought Halloween was this weekend?
Gordi continues to enlighten us. But I’m really waiting for his breakdown of David Lee Roth.
How could I link Gloomchen again? Um how could I not? Her column is that good.
Tom covers metal as usual. He’s also got a picture of a Red Sox(Sock?) with Godsmack.
Shelbyville
Evocator celebrates an anniversary.
Ari schools the kids.
Jim has plenty of reader feedback, in addition to his usual quality writing.
Ian isn’t sure of where pieces of his column should have been placed. I thought everything worked out fine. But most importantly he’s back to loving (the) Doves.
For some reason I can’t access the other columns, but make sure to read Tayo, and send him some feedback.
Five Albums I’m Inexplicably Anticipating
1. Jay-Z/R. Kelly
2. Nore
3. Snoop Dogg
4. Eminem
5. Chunky A (I’m kidding about that one. But I’d buy it if it came out.)
