Generic theme #2010 brings us to… Byte This! Mark Lloyd and Josh Matthews begin the show at 8:05, not that I’d know firsthand. The damn website wouldn’t even let me watch the rerun of this episode until Friday, just in time for me to go back to my job after having two days off where Windows Media Player told me it couldn’t locate the media when I clicked on the show link. So little attention is paid to the massive f*ck up that is Byte This that I wouldn’t be surprised if I really am the only one who checked out this week’s show. Sorry folks, but if any of you even bother with this show than buckle up because I’m pissed off and ready to recap with a vengeance!!!
Anywho, the idiots blather on about this “great” time slot, telling us how even the corporate brass likes this new timeslot. Probably because they don’t run into Mark Lloyd in the hallway anymore. They pimp tonight’s guests which then leads Mark Lloyd into an embarrassing Booker T impersonation. He then starts to talk about his wife before Josh mercifully cuts him off to talk about the new Tough Enough. Josh challenges Mark to join T.E., but Mark somehow turns the conversation towards the fantasy game. Every week, the same damn nonsense segway into the fantasy game. They treat the game as if it was real, telling us how Kane murdered Val Venis with some chairshots and some other crap, and then they threaten to talk about fantasy throughout the show. No!
Some Raw and Smackdown Magazine pimping reveals that they’ve never looked at the issues before going on camera, which is always a good way to promote your product. Smackdown talk goes nowhere so they go into their first break.
Smackdown recap is all about Booker/JBL. They edit Tazz and Michael Cole’s commentary so they say Booker T about 700 times.
Tough Enough recap reveals that the WWE can’t stand liars. AH HA HA HA!!!! That’s f*cking rich.
Josh brings us back by dogging on the guys who got cut (kettle, meet pot) and updating us on the fantasy game rankings. Droz shows up and immediately starts talking about Orton with Mark Lloyd. Droz’s secret hate for HHH starts to dribble out so Mark Lloyd starts to bring things around to Bautista. Droz’s expert wrestling brain analyzes the Batista/Maven feud and comes up with one thing: Bautista won’t be happy about losing to Maven. They discuss Maven’s never-ending status as a rookie and needlessly point out his weaknesses before mentioning a few of his minor highlights (i.e. eliminating the Undertaker from the Royal Rumble). Droz thinks it’s easy to get lost in the shuffle when you’re trying to become a star, and there’s plenty of guys who can fill your spot if you don’t take your chances. Mark gushes about Shawn Michael’s speech on Raw, which is equally exciting and awesome to Droz. Mark hopes that young superstars learn from Shawn’s dedication, and before Droz can rephrase Mark’s words into another bland comment we luckily get Droz’s segment killed off by Josh. Josh teases Mark about having an internet fan from Michigan (I swear to God it’s not me!) before we go to a break.
Smackdown Your Vote footage shows Chris Nowinski and Mark Henry saying generic things about how great voting is. When the hell does Mark Henry’s contract end anyway?
Maven/Bautista footage is mercifully brief.
Back from break and it’s Bautista. Apparently he’s been stewing about his loss to Maven, and promises that things are not over. Mark recaps the footage we just watched, leading Bautista to talk smack about the revolt against Evolution last week. He doesn’t think the good guys can stay together for long because of old animosities, so he feels they can just wait patiently and take out individual guys one by one. Adding a fourth member to Evolution comes up, and Bautista hints that a new guy is soon on the horizon. When prompted to name names, he refuses and promises that no one would have reservations about joining despite what happened to Orton. He thinks Randy was selfish and only got beat down because he had his own agenda. Bautista admits that he doesn’t chase titles or go out for wins, he just likes to deliver punishment. Daniel has a question, but is apparently not on the phone because the crew of Byte This is made up of retards. ‘Mania 20 comes up and Bautista plays it cool, saying that he really doesn’t care about who he fights so long as he gets to beat the shit out of someone. Of course, this being the corporate world of WWE, he phrases it as “laying down on someone,” which does nothing to end the belief that wrestling is a homoerotic joke. The Raw Magazine article is discussed briefly before Mark Lloyd brings up how bad Batista’s childhood was. Bautista lets it drop while Josh tries to steer the conversation away from touchy subjects. Sara from Illinois is obviously a corporate employee, but we’ll play along anyway. She asks if he would lead Evolution if the torch was ever passed from HHH to him. He doesn’t really give two shits and just likes to hang out with Ric Flair and Hunter. Josh kisses some guest ass before Mark ends the segment. I really like Bautista, but that was pretty worthless besides the hints of a new Evolution member.
Mark bitches out Josh for kissing Bautista’s ass before Josh promises Carlito… no wait, Booker as our next guest.
A recap of Foley reading to some kids in Harlem, which is a major yawner.
Booker/JBL footage shows how scared Bradshaw is of the Book.
Josh introduces Booker T, but of course, the phones are f*cked up and he’s not really there. Josh tells us that Booker was the first dude to pin JBL since he won the belt, but it’s not that impressive when you consider how little he really wrestles. Of course they don’t say the last part, they just blather on about how invincible JBL is. Some crew guy blames Booker’s cell phone for the technical problems, which will fool no regular listener of Byte This. The idiots begin to talk to the crew guys about giving away a copy of Foley’s book, but before the show falls completely apart they manage to get Booker on the line. Thank Christ. Booker feels good right now, since he’s already beat JBL many times in the past and thinks he can do it again. Booker starts to reflect on how much he’s been kept away from the title belt in the past, and even drops hints about how politics have been a factor in his lack of major WWE belts. That’s about as close to sticking it to Hunter as you can ever get in the clean and corporate world of Byte This these days. He reminds us that he started with JBL way back in the Global Federation days, so he knows how far Bradshaw has come. Since Bradshaw has had to cheat to defend his title, he knows that JBL is a weak champ. He thinks that he didn’t go into his series with Cena hungry enough, and he underestimated the kind of matches he would have to have. He knows that his hunger is what made the matches with Benoit great, and having the IC belt was just not as inspiring to him as it should have been. He thinks Cena made the same mistake with Carribean Cool, and that’s why he lost the belt only a week later. Talk turns to Touch Enough, and Booker thinks it might be a good way for a young up-and-comer to get some proper training before going on TV. Chris from Connecticut asks about Stevie Ray’s chances of coming to the WWE, and although it has all the tell tale signs of a corporate employee call (i.e. generically named person who’s from the same state that the company is based), I think that question might have been real. Anywho, Stevie runs some kind of car shop but Booker’s dream is to have a Harlem Heat reunion in the WWE before he retires. That’s quite the horrible dream, but I guess they are family so I don’t expect Booker to point out how stiff and terrible his brother is. Josh redundantly asks how Booker T has been, but the Book just says he’s been chillin’ in Houston trying to give something back to his community. When asked about what’s next for his character, he states the obvious: he’s going for that big gold belt. In a weird aside, he mentions that he’s reconsidered retiring since he switched locker rooms and he’s much happier now that he’s a part of the Smackdown crew. Yeah, you suck Hunter! Mark prompts Booker for his catchphrase before they dump him, so Booker obliges with a string of classics that ends with his trademark “Suckaaaaahhhh!!!!” Josh then decides to make a retard of himself by saying “I knew he would call you sucker!” Ugh, and he’s the strong point of this twosome! Anywho, Booker gets dumped, they briefly talk about what would be on a highlight reel for Byte This, and we go to break.
Survivor Series press conference footage is booooring.
Carlito vs. Cena recap cuts right to the surprise ending, then drags on for a long time after.
And we are back with Carlito Carribean Cool. Carlito is apparently at a frat party from the background noise. Carlito doesn’t think either of these two are cool, which I totally agree with. He thinks that the show has greatly improved since he has come to Smackdown. He admits he was at the club that John Cena was beat up at, but he had nothing to do with the beatdown later in the night. Cena apparently deserved the abuse for acting like a punk, ’nuff said. He likes to spit in people’s faces when he doesn’t think they’re cool, which makes sense considering his previous actions. Josh prompts him to talk about his family, but a “fan” interrupts the phone call to get an autograph from Carlito. He mentions his father before Mark puts Dan on the phone, who asks which wrestlers Carlito looked up to as a kid. He really didn’t look up to any wrestlers as a kid because they weren’t cool, he’s apparently the first of his kind. Josh asks how to be cool, but Carlito dismisses it as hopeless. Word association time: Cena = not cool. Teddy Long = kinda cool. The Rock = not as cool as Carlito. Hollywood Hogan = kinda cool. Mary from Massachusetts asks Carlito how he feels about Cena coming back for his title in a few months. She also obviously read that question because she was about as stilted as the worst Maven interview I’ve ever heard. Undertaker = “dead guys to me are not cool.” Rico = “guys like that are not cool.” JBL = Carlito kind of likes the guy, but he’s not as cool as Carlito. Another Dan calls, this time with a Carlito-style accent. He asks if Carlito will be a superstar some day, and Carlito thinks he will be the greatest one of all kind. What’s next for Carlito? Lots of cool stuff. I think I just heard the word “cool” more times in an hour than all of the 80’s combined. Carlito is dumped and they move on to trivia.
Trivia question: What year did Bret Hart spit in Vince McMahon’s face? Hmmm, was it 1988? 2003? Shit, I don’t know. They promote Edge’s book being on shelves next week, although it’s already been at every book store in my town for two weeks. Somebody named Jordan calls and wins the trivia contest, so he wins a kid’s book that was written in 2000. What a great prize, way better than a DVD or a free month of the website jukebox. Anywho, the show limps to a close with footage of Raw’s ending.
Lots of guests definitely improve this show, but these hosts are just useless at this point. I beg of the WWE, please put a wrestler on this show who isn’t a retired and injured midcarder and have him dominate the show. Week after week of two never-beens throwing softball questions at guys who mercilessly make fun of them has really dragged this show down.
By the way, read my movie column, it’s totally different from these recaps in every way! Check out the link below.
https://insidepulse.com/article.php?contentid=28578
