I am in the lovely land of Greenland, no wait, Iceland… Let’s get this straight, which is the warm one…. Iceland, no that doesn’t make sense… oh, screw it. We’re just outside the lovely city of Reykjavik, riding on the a huge glacier… Down the way is a camp were we will be spending the night. Behind each tent, in no particular order, are my thoughts on this week’s episode…
1. Winner of the Week: The first episode is always chaotic. We have 11 teams running around like whack jobs, fighting, and hugging, kissing and mugging. While the jerks race towards the bottom, the good often takes time to rise to the top. So, the best way to pick this week’s winner, is basically to pick this week’s winners, Hayden and Aaron. They ran a decent race, even better considering they were dragging a Bolo behind them the whole time. They were civil during the bad times, and excited during the good times, and they also seemed uncomfortable around people who enjoy a healthy dose of degradation in their relationships.
2. Weasel of the Week: It’s time to pull out your The Amazing Thesaurus. We have a new synonym to add. Look up the word Intense and add this synonym — Asshole. Last year Colin was intense, and this year Jonathan, our mental midg… oops I mean magician, takes intensity to a whole other level. It’s one thing to freak out when things turn really bad, but Jonathan seems to find any time where there is a pause in the conversation to act like a total Dick… tator. Maybe it’s just me, but it’s the first leg of the race and you’re already screaming for a divorce and saying you should have brought someone else. Then, when Victoria suggest you make a specific turn, you say, “Don’t talk to me like that.” Also, what they hell did you mean when you said, “My whining is your incompetence.” That’s pretty nonsensical, jackass. No wonder you’re an entrepreneur, because who in the their right mind would want to work with you.
3. Lines of the Week: I probably missed a lot of gems in this fast paced opener, but there were plenty that stuck out to me. Lori, while she was not yelling at Bolo, got in a few good quips. The one that stood out and was quite perky (Hey, I’m a guy) occurred as she was getting into her transport shuttle on top of the glacier. She says, “My implants are frozen.” Yet, the topper to that came from Maria, who if she sticks around long enough may be this seasons quote machine. As she was riding on the snowmobile she says, “I never thought I would be straddling you on a snowmobile, Meredith.” Finally, as a harbinger of things to come, Rebecca lets her Hellish boytoy know that, “It doesn’t matter what the signs say, I can’t read them anyway.” Yep, especially when they read “Diesel.”
4. It must really stink to be the first eliminated. So Good-bye to Avi and Joe, who are from Brooklyn and are Jewish. These two seemed poised to be the latest quirky Jewish guys from New York to make an impact on this the most Amazing of races. Avi, who lives in Brooklyn, was definitely a quirky sort of guy. Joe, also a Brooklynian, seems sort of dopey in a likable sort of way. They sort of had a weird Frodo Baggins-Samwise Gangee thing going. Avi, the quirky leader of the duo with his ever faithful Joe following closely behind, not quite figuring out the implications of what is happening. Yet, when Avi makes a decision to leave the path and go the wrong way, it is up to cheerful Joe to try to get them back on the right path. Well, the main problem with this whole analogy is that they are not from Hobbiton, but Brooklyn. Did I mention that?
5. Gus, Gus, Gus… it seems that maybe the CIA got this one wrong. There are no weapons of… no wait, sorry wrong issue… Alliances. That was what I was planning to talk about. I never liked alliances in the race, especially alliances formed on the base of, “Hey, we are all on the same train, let’s target the guy in the yellow shirt.” I respect your desire to take out Jonathan, but an alliance just causes more problems that they are worth. The sort of make you beholden to a group of people and when you need to screw them over, and the time will come when you will need to screw them over, it takes it from a game move to a personal betrayal.
6. There is one thing I did agree with Gus on. No, it wasn’t his topless snow bath. It was his decision to drive safely. With eleven teams, I just don’t get taking the chance at an accident that may end your quest for the million, just to pass one person on a narrow road. If you are in last, yeah, take a shot, but I just don’t see the point of the team in 6th place, taking the risk to move up to 5th. On that note, I can’t stand this fatalistic approach some teams take. The goal each week is to beat one team. You don’t need to fall into a cycle of despair because you ended up of the second of four shuttles. End up in the fourth, that’s cause for concern, but if you’re in the second, you’re sitting pretty.
7. I like Don and Mary Jean. I especially like her, “I don’t care if we die” attitude, and her “we can outrun anyone for a million dollars” statement. I like that, for an older couple, they didn’t shy away from the harder challenge. Yet, what I like most is that they seemed to have watched the show before. Mary Jean, noticing the rocky ground they were walking says, “Don’t run. Let’s not sprain are ankles.” I know, a small thing, but after seeing a lot of teams over the past five races unnecessarily rush, causing sprains, twisted knees and the unfortunate running over of feet, it was good to see a team value the appendages that they will be needing to out run the young ‘ens. Then they could use the ice for Don’s martini.
8. In a great little nod to Our Amazing Editors, the scene between Freddy and Kendra, and Adam and Rebecca was comic gold. Adam and Rebecca commenting on Kendra and Freddy, “They’re nice.” Then of course comes the shot of them saying nice little platitudes about Hellboy and his lovely lady. Oh, but wait, instead we get “Hellboy and his girlfriend both are like 4′ 2″. They are going to be like monkeys crawling up that wall.” Kendra may be one of the more interesting of this season’s vixens. Not in your face aggressive like Lori, but more of the smile as she’s sticking the knife in your back type. Oh, but she’s nice.
9. I guess I need to get some cursory mentions of the other teams that I have failed to mention. Lena and Christy, we have the good mormon and the of course the trendsetting, party girl bad Mormon who of course let’s us know of her trendsetting ways by saying, “I don’t sleep in tents.” Of course, that leads me to the question, What do bad party girl Mormons do in tents? Another team that I need to mention is, oh, hold on… Here it is… Kris and Jon… I’ll have to rewatch the show to try to figure out exactly what they did. They probably were very important. Umm, were they the ones… oh, no that was Freddy. Oh, nevermind. Also, I don’t think I ever mentions Hera by name, and that is a name worth mentioning. Hera. Cool. Beats Bob any day of the week…
Well, that’s all for now. See ya all next week…
