SLAYER’S SPORTS AND STUFF! XIX
Mistress: Alight, get on your knees and give me
Me: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Just what do you think you’re doing?
Mistress: Doing what you paid me to do….
Me: You can’t do that! This is a family column!
Mistress: There is such thing as freedom of speech.
Me: Not in the realm of sports. Haven’t you heard? Sports is the last island of decency where a parent and a child can get together and have fun.
Mistress: What about parades?
Me: I mean in the media! Some kid can be clicking here during 9:00 PM. Even earlier in the west coast! These types of column shouldn’t be allowed until at least 10:00. What if a kid is reading this column! A Kid! What about the children? Why doesn’t anyone think about the children?
Mistress: This is not a children’s column.
Me: It’s about football! Football is family entertainment! It’s about watching violent criminals, rapists, and miscreants on steroids trying to break each other’s collarbone. No sex should be involved in that.
Mistress: What about cheerleaders, beer commercials, and Viagra commercials. Don’t be a hypocrite. Sports uses sex to sell its product. How is this any different?
Me: Ok, it’s not so much content as it is context.
Mistress: Context?
Me: Context!
Mistress: What context is that?
Me: Well, you see….
Mistress: What is it?
Me: It’s um, well….
Mistress: I’m waiting….
Me: You’re black.
Mistress: ….
Me: Now, I’m not a racist or anything. I believe in equality and I think discrimination should not be tolerated. But I don’t think we should be promoting interracial sadomasochistic affairs.
Mistress: I think I’ll leave.
Me: Don’t gett offended. It’s not me, it’s the FCC!
Mistress: So when the mistress is white it’s considered harmlessly funny. But because I’m black, it’s considered socially dangerous and offensive, is that it?
Me: Now you get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Everybody! Welcome to another edition of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff! Hope everyone had a terrific thanksgiving, and if you didn’t…well, you got plenty of football from now until February to hold you over from suicide. The sports world was filled will all sorts of goodies and nonsense since the last column with the highlight being Bush winning the Nextel Cup! And a few other things too. We’ll do our weekly college football wrap, take a peak at all the BCS silliness and then I’ll go at it with Joshua Grutman whom makes his online return!!!
…in this column of all places. Come on board!
BUT, FIRST!
I have nothing to say about the riot in Detroit that nobody hasn’t said already. I did think it was funny though. And Detroit is still the one city this New Yorker fears. Everyone got what they deserved. The fans, the players, the team. I have no problem with anything. If you throw a cup of beer at a 230 pound athlete; get prepared to step up. If you’re an athlete that runs into the stands; get ready to step down. Watching the crying kids was rough though I gotta admit. If that was my kid I’d be quite upset and distraught about the situation. So angry that I would threaten to sue for psychological liability until they gave me court-side season tickets to shut me up!
COLLEGE FOOTBALL
So what happened in college football while you were away eating turkey? Nothing too huge. Except for the fact the entire bottom half of the top 25 lost. Well not the entire. Just Arizona St., Virginia, Texas A&M, Boston, Oklahoma St., West Virginia, UTEP, and Bowling Green. Not much changed in the top except that it is now solidified neither Boise St. nor Louisville will get a BCS bowl bid and instead play each other in the Liberty Bowl. BUT, the small schools have an upside. Lots of conference tie-ins won’t be used this year due to losing records or self-suspensions. So right now, Athletic Directors from all over the country are on the phone sweet-talking and prostituting for the bowls. It’s very possible that TWO teams from the Sun Belt could get into a bowl. Let’s go over the entire BCS scenario. In fact, it’s best explained by looking at EVERY GAME next week.
WHO’S IN
USC and Michigan. That’s it right now.
GAME OF THE WEEK: 15) TENNESSEE vs. 3) AUBURN (6:00/CBS)
The SEC Championship game is going to be the Tiger’s last hope. The only way they can really jump the polls is a convincing win against the Vols (hey, that rhymes!). A bit unfair since the Vols are still one of the toughest teams in college football and it would be difficult to garner a win deemed ‘convincing.’ Such is life.
OTHER GAME OF THE WEEK: 12) VIRGINIA TECH vs. 10) MIAMI-FL (1:00/ABC)
Call it the de-facto ACC championship game if you will. Winner goes to the BCS; most likely the Sugar Bowl. Now Utah fans will want to pay close attention to this game. If Miami wins, they possibly could knock Utah out of the sixth spot. But if that happens, they may still get the bid because it’s become a bit of a national story.
MORE GAMES OF THE WEEK!
2) OKLAHOMA vs. COLORADO (8:00/ABC)
Don’t just pencil Oklahoma in the Orange Bowl just yet. Strange things have happened in the Big 12 Championship game and it’s produced plenty of upsets. Now this ain’t exactly a coin toss either; but the underdog should never be counted out in this game.
1) USC vs. UCLA (4:30/ABC)
USC wins and they’re in the Orange Bowl. Arch rivals always play each other tough so while it would be shocking if UCLA won; this could still be a competitive game.
4) CALIFORNIA vs. SOUTHERN MISSISSIPPI (7:45/ESPN)
Hurricane season makeup game for the Bears. Simply looking to keep their #4 sport and get in the Rose Bowl to play Michigan.
9) LOUISVILLE vs. TULANE 2:30/ESPN+
Another hurricane season make-up game! Check your local listings to see if the local sports station picked it up. It’s their last chance to show voters they are the best offense in the NCAA. And they are by the way.
23) PITTSBURGH vs. SOUTH FLORIDA (11AM/ESPN2)
And yet, another hurricane season makeup game! The Big East season is over and it’s a four team tie. If Pittsburgh wins; they’re in the BCS; most likely the Fiesta Bowl since they get last pick this year. If they lose, they’re still possibly in but the tie-breaker would then be the BCS standings and it’s possible that could be 6-5 Syracuse god help us all.
TOLEDO vs. MIAMI-OH (Thurs 7:30/ESPN)
The MAC Championship would be much more meaningful if the conference actually had a top bowl tie-in as opposed to their affiliate bowls simply choosing any team they want. Just like the old WAC (pre-Mountain West) did with the Liberty Bowl.
ARMY vs. NAVY (2:30/CBS)
Now when both these teams were horrible; this match-up was pretty fun. But, Navy has been quite decent lately so it could be a romping. But, if it’s close in the fourth quarter; definitely worth watching for all college football fans.
MICHIGAN ST. vs. HAWAII (11:30/ESPN2)
Eh, just for the hell of it so we can say we covered every game, right? It does have importance. If Hawaii wins, they are bowl eligible. Yayyyyy!
So, everyone got that? If all goes well, the BCS could look like this.
Orange Bowl: Southern Cal vs. Oklahoma
Sugar Bowl: Auburn vs. Miami
Rose Bowl: California vs. Michigan
Fiesta Bowl: Utah vs. Pittsburgh
Or it could look something like this:
Orange Bowl: Southern Cal vs. Auburn
Sugar Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Utah
Rose Bowl: California vs. Michigan
Fiesta Bowl: Oklahoma vs. Pittsburgh
Maybe even this…
Orange Bowl: Auburn vs. Oklahoma
Sugar Bowl: Miami vs. Utah
Rose Bowl: Southern Cal vs. Michigan
Fiesta Bowl: Oklahoma vs. Pittsburgh
And yes, it could even look like this….
Orange Bowl: Utah vs. Texas
Sugar Bowl: Tennessee vs. Virginia Tech
Rose Bowl: USC vs. Michigan
Fiesta Bowl: Colorado vs. Syracuse
SLAYER vs. GRUTMAN
Slayer: For the sports guys, we go debate style. For the ladies we go interview style; and for today we’ll do classic dialogue style. Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome IWC celebrity, Johsua Grutman! Is there any thing you would like to tell the audience of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff before we get started?
Grutman: It’s very nice to meet you both. Kidding! Ha! Hey fans, Grut with the Sports Slayer ready to talk about the sorry, sorry state of New York sports.
Slayer: My mom thanks you. You’re one who always had an intriguing take on the egomaniacs of wrestling. How do you feel about the entire Terrell Owens thing. Some people say he is good for the NFL; others say he is intrusive. What’s your opinion?
Grutman: He’s good for the NFL. In every office; in every profession you have the cocky jerks. Unlike most cocky jerks, Terrell is good enough that he deserves to be a cocky jerk. In wrestling, Bradshaw is a cocky jerk and mostly sucks. He should shut up. Terrell backs up his actions with his play and with the revenue he generates. Let the man dance. What do you think?
Slayer: I think heels are great for sports. It’s a bit surreal when one is on your team, but the entire fan-base of the Toronto Maple Leafs know they are fun to root far. Also a common theme here in Slayer’s Sports and Stuff is to exploit ‘white man anger’ onto black athletes in sports. I think this is another example.
Grutman: You’re absolutely right. But that’s why you’re the expert. Hey, you think there’s a gay NFL player?
Slayer: One ex-nfl player came out a couple years ago and even THAT caused an uproar. I personally think most jocks are bi-sexual and/or stuck in some sort of latency.
Grutman: Yeah. I mean, I think Wayne Chrebet would sleep with anything if he could get close enough. He comes off as desperately lonely for any kind of contact.
Slayer: What’s your take on the absence of the NHL? As a mild mannered fan; do you miss it? What do you think will be the result of all this?
Grutman: I swear to you, and I watch ESPN, I read the sports section… I did not know it was gone. What did you think of that hit that practically killed that kid 6 months ago? Brutal. That guy should be in jail.
Slayer: Like most things, it’s a long story. There was 10 months of drama between both those teams before that hit. Unfortunately, that’s what came of it. No one should be hung though; except for the two coaches for enabling and somewhat advocating the behavior
Grutman: It’s not as long as you think, cause we can cut most of it. He said he’d get the guy, then he came up behind him and drove him into the ice head first. I don’t care about the “feud”. You throw out a challenge, you fight head on. No f*cking cheap shots. It’s cowardly, and if the guy had died, it’s murder. Of course, my level of expertise on the subject: The victim is “The Guy”, the perp is “He”.
(Note: Steve Moore and Tom Bertuzzi for those of you keeping score!)
Slayer: I’ve seen worse incidents then that; with much more malice and intent. Thankfully, the players lived through the ordeal with just a major concussion or two. I don’t believe in creating legislation that bases it’s rules by result. If they want to stop the bullshit they can stop giving 10 minute/game penalties to fighting. That would cut the insanity in half right there.
Grutman: I say give one player on each team a gun. That’ll stop the cheapshots.
By the way, I’ve been checking out your column. I had Gloomchen writing some of the best articles in the world for my column. I never got a picture of her half naked. What is your secret?
Slayer: Ahhhhh…the person who put a marker on ‘fifth paragraph when Grut mentions Gloomchen’ wins the prize!!!!!
Grutman: Hey! She’s my little lady, my pride and joy and what not. Just an amazing writer and girl and how’d you get her nekid?
Slayer: The story is I banned her name from IP Sports because I felt her name was being mentioned too much. Many writers took umbrage with that, including our NFL expert, Cory Laflin. But I stuck to my guns. Then one day she stated that the IP Sports embargo was going on too long so she beat me up and I was able to take a picture of her doing it. But it’s not about me and her; it’s about YOU and her! When is the wedding? Do you guys have a lovechild? Give IP Sports the scoop!
Grutman: Okay, quickly so we can get back to sports. Gloomchen was a special find as an online writer. Unfortunately, I’m 5 years younger than her and that means I’m 10 years too old for her to consider dating me. Let’s move on.
Slayer: Back to sports. You’re a Manhattan tax payer. The big debate in New York is that our schools have been falling apart and our cops, fireman, and social services are getting slashed and hacked. Yet the city has accumulated 400 million in tax money that they want to give to the New York Jets to build a new stadium. Municipal funding for private stadiums is a debate every city goes through. Now that you’re close to the action, what’s your opinion?
Grutman: Hey Chad! Stop being a pussy and play the damn game! Then you get your stadium! Seriously though, I think the ramifications of a west side stadium would mean that 500 children, black and white alike, would not be able to get new liberal text books. GOOD! Keep with the old lessons, the old books. Columbus discovered America! Indians were savages! Damn liberals. Speaking of sports, you know who is the first President to have been President of a baseball team? I’ll give you a clue. He’s the greatest President of all time.
Slayer: Taft of the Cincinnatti Reds. He had a big bathtub! What else is there to like?
Grutman: BUSH! W. Bush. Soft, supple… anyway, the Olympics are more trouble then they’re worth but NYC could use a major stadium.
Slayer: On the dictionary definition of great, I do agree that Bush is one of the greatest presidents of all time. Since you opened up this can of worms. What’s your take on this lovely new cabinet?
Grutman: What new cabinet? We’re talking over the Internet. I can’t see your kitchen. What the hell is wrong with you? Were you born with some kind of birth defect? Like stupidity? That’s a birth defect. I bet you the crush that Gloomchen has for me that you cannot turn this situation around and make me look like the fool!
Slayer: Poor you…you’re not a guy she likes that way. She like you as a FRIEND!!! HAHAHAHA! And guys who are friends with girls never get laid by them, HAHA! She would never go out with you because ‘you’re like a brother to her.’ Awwwwwwwwwww. Let’s do ‘rasslin! The first question is where have you been? IP Wrestling could use your love!
Grutman: In all honesty, I tell Widro and MM that I’ve been busy. And I have been. But that’s only half the truth. I start writing a column… I must have started and stopped about 20 times since I left. I just don’t have the love for wrestling anymore.
Slayer: But look at the top of the page. We have all these new zones! In every single triviality imaginable!
Grutman: My favorite column to do was Grutman vs. Daniels. No matter the subject, we had a great flow. He really had the straight man with an edge bit down perfectly. I honestly think that I sorta stopped being passionate about the site when Daniels stopped responding to my IMs. I honestly didn’t and still don’t get it. He could tell me to f*ck off or go to hell, but no response? And he was one of the people I was closest to, you know? I tried the conversation columns with others, but it’s hard to find that chemistry. Some try way too hard. Some not hard enough. As for A Wrestling Tale, I’m not sure what’s left to be written about for a wrestling short story.
Slayer: I gotcha. As for Daniels, he’s been busy. All the bugs that don’t happen and the reasons why this site doesn’t crash is because of Daniels.
Grutman: Completely fair, but it was that way at 411 too. And we did it there.
Slayer: I’ll talk to him for you. Me and Daniels are like best friends. I ‘m always bothering him and he tolerates my existence!
Grutman: I’m no longer sobbing that he’s ignoring me. We all have our lives to live. But to completely sever a friendship because you don’t want to write a column? That’s dink.
Slayer: Daniels is a complicated man, no doubt about it. But you’re right about wrestling. I haven’t watched it in some time and from what I understand, I didn’t miss much. But what seems to be in a further lull is the IWC. Can it ever recover?
Grutman: The more important question: Should it? If some nerds trip in the forest and no one cares, does it matter? Look, as we begin to reach our mid twenties we start to realize it’s time to grow up. This is a fun hobby, but it’s not a job. It’s a hobby. If I wrote the best wrestling tale of all time, one of the best short stories in the history of man, I wouldn’t see a dime in my pocket. I AM NOT COMPLAINING! This is done for fun, and I have fun. But life gets serious, especially lately in my house. Fun time is over. It’s time to write what the man with the check in his hand tells you to write. I’ve been fortunate enough to find a man with a check. I am now unofficially his bitch.
Slayer: Wow….this is like an after-school special.
Grutman: SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND LEARN SOMETHING!
Slayer: Or some independent film showing the agony of growing up in to adulthood. Or an Emo Song!
Grutman: Everyone says, “Come back Grutman! The fans miss you!” Why haven’t I received one letter from a fan asking me where I’ve been, how I’ve been? They forget so quickly, or maybe they don’t care anymore. Either way, fine. Don’t care. I’m going through family stuff here Dave. Money is tight. In a few months we might not even have an Internet anymore if this job doesn’t work out.
Slayer: You need to cheer up, son.
Grutman: We might not even have a home anymore. So you talk about the IWC meaning something. IT’S FAKE. It’s a distraction and unless you’re a Ryder or a Meltzer or someone making some money off of this… LET’S TALK ABOUT THE GIANTS! HOW THE HELL DID THEY LOSE TO THE CARDINALS? THE FUCKING CARDINALS!
Slayer: Grut…I want you to sit down and listen….
Grutman: What the hell do you think I’m doing? Do you think I’m standing and typing?
Slayer: I’m gonna show you something…..this is my Mop! It’s a pretty good mop. It’s not as good as my first mop, I miss my first mop. But, this is still a good mop. Sometimes you just have to take what life gives you. Because life is like a mop, and sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff. Well, you gotta clean it out! You gotta put it the mop in the bucket and rinse it off and start all over again. And sometimes life sticks to the floor so bad that a mop is not good enough…yes, a mop isn’t good enough. You gotta get down there with a, with a toothbrush ya know! You gotta scrub, you gotta get it all off, you gotta really try to get it all off. And if that doesn’t work, you can’t give up! You gotta stand right up, run to the window and say: “HEY! THESE FLOORS ARE DIRTY AS HELL AND I’M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Grutman: I can’t believe I just spent an hour with a guy who quotes from UHF.
Have a great week everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
