The SmarK RAW Rant – December 6, 2004
– Live from Charlotte, NC.
– Your hosts are JR & King.
– Ah, sweet and wonderful Nyquil. You make all the crappy wrestling shows that much better.
– And indeed, tonight RAW is Jericho. Big parties are promised. We start out with leis for everyone! That makes for a funny few minutes of juvenile humor. Or maybe it’s the cold medication. We review the footage from last week, every angle of which seems to indicate Edge pinning Benoit cleanly and Earl Hebner nowhere in sight of Edge tapping. But we go to Vinny McDaddy for the official decision anyway, as he gets to strut out carrying the Big Gold Belt, which I’m sure he’s wanted to do for years. Vince notes that neither guy was the winner, but before he can declare that the tie goes to the champion, HHH interrupts. I notice that he’s back on his intensive care conditioning program again. I’m of course referring to the hair, which hasn’t looked that good since 1996. Vince plugs the book and the movie, but HHH prematurely snatches his belt and that upsets the big guy. Instead of making a decision, Bischoff gets to make it next week, which means this drags out to the RAW PPV in January. With no clear issues and a bunch of contenders, I guess they’re gonna drag the Elimination Chamber out of mothballs again.
– Meanwhile, HHH is ANGRY.
– Meanwhile, Jericho forces Christian to wrestle as a superhero — Captain Charisma.
– Eugene v. Evil Maven. Maven is lacking in facial hair. You can’t be truly evil without the Mirror Universe Beard. Eugene takes him down off a wristlock for one. Back to the mat and Eugene rolls him around the ring, and Maven’s all “Oh, you got me dude” before grabbing a headlock. An EVIL headlock. Maven trips and blames it on Regal, who gets tossed. That’s EVIL. Like Maven. Although it doesn’t speak well of the referee, who was obviously calling what he didn’t see. Eugene gets a rollup for two and a northern lights suplex for two. Maven offers him congratulations on coming close, and then kicks his knee out. He works him over in the corner and that earns a DQ at 4:09. Well, that went nowhere fast. 1/2* Maven’s all “Check me out, I’m the king of generic heels!” Perhaps Maven should kick a baby into the crowd. It worked for Gene Snitsky.
– And your pointless diva wannabe segment of the week: Limbo contest. I can’t make shit this stupid up. And then that segues into Fozzy doing a brutally bad version of “Don’t You Wish You Were Me”, which is thankfully cut off by Muhammad Hassan raging against the capitalist machine. Even the Nyquil couldn’t save this ship.
– Simon Dean v. Hurricane. Speaking of sinking ships, Simon Dean begins his quick voyage to main-eventing Heat TONIGHT. Hurricane gets a quick rollup for two, and counters a takedown for two. Dean slugs him down in the corner and gets a backbreaker and starts dropping elbows on the back. It’s encouraging to see that they changed Nova from an interesting goofball with new and innovative moves into another generic WWE Style midcard heel. Truly the system works, as they can grind anyone into mediocrity. Just to show that, we hit the chinlock. Hurricane comes back with a headscissors, but the Shining Wizard is countered with a duck and a rollup for the pin at 3:59. I’ll give him two weeks before he starts throwing his powder at guys. This was pretty generic stuff. 1/2*
– Edge is out to let us know how disgraceful and sick we all are. He whines about Randy Orton’s GMing job, which brings out Mr. Orton to rebut. “Unlike you, I’ve BEEN World champion”. Oh, TAG. Edge thinks that Orton is in fact his bitch. Before we can settle the issue of who is indeed whose bitch, a fight erupts and the Usual Gang of Idiots break it up. This leads me to wonder if all wrestling promotions have to keep a group of guys on payroll, whose only job is to stand around and watch TV, waiting for a fight to erupt. What do these people DO, storyline wise? We need an hour of RAW dedicated to a day in the life of Johnny Ace. We can see him breaking up random fights, helping referees to the back, telling guys that it’s time to go on, and knocking on Goldberg’s door. Maybe it’s just the cold medication talking, but I think that would draw millions.
– Intercontinental title: Shelton Benjamin v. Captain Charisma. Christian is supposed to be ridiculous, but really he doesn’t look any stupider than Hurricane. Christian works Shelton over in the corner, but Shelton counters the monkey-flip and goes up with the flying clothesline for two. Tyson Tomko gets a cheapshot to set up an inverted DDT for two. The Captain stomps away and suplexes Benjamin onto the top rope, which gets two. Abdominal stretch, but Benjamin escapes and gets a crossbody for two. Mr. Charisma comes back and misses a blind charge, then goes up and gets punched coming down. Russian legsweep gets two for Benjamin. Sunset flip gets two. Blinger Splash misses and Christian powerbombs him out of the corner for two. Tomko tosses him the belt, but he charges again and misses, so Tomko has to step in and lay out Benjamin, giving Christian two. Unprettier is countered by Benjamin, who gets rid of Tomko, and the Exploder finishes at 5:26. Short and silly. *
– Meanwhile, Snitsky reminds Lita again that he killed her baby. That’s so last month, dude.
– HHH & Batista v. Chris Benoit & Chris Jericho. Benoit starts chopping HHH to start, and Jericho works him over and dropkicks him in the corner. HHH backs off as the crowd chants “We want Flair” because HHH is such a big star. Benoit comes back in and gets a snap suplex to set up a crossface, but HHH is very much in the ropes. Back to Jericho for more chops, as he whips HHH to the floor, and the faces double-team Batista right out of the ring, and we take a break. Back with Batista chinlocking Jericho. Flair gets some shots in and HHH comes in with a neckbreaker for two. Batista gets a corner clothesline for two. Jericho sidesteps a charge, however, and it’s hot tag Benoit. He knocks Flair off the apron, which draws big boos, and it’s BONZO GONZO. Jericho gets rid of Batista with a springboard clothesline, and Benoit gets the rolling germans on HHH. Jericho follows with the Lionsault to set up the diving headbutt, and the Walls of Jericho/crossface combination results. Man, that move ruled in 2001 and it rules now. Batista breaks up the party and chokes Jericho down in the corner, and HHH uses a chair for the DQ at 12:00. Lame. But Jack Doan takes a nice chair to the head. Batista, on the other hand, does not. So they cancel each other out. Match was mostly commercial break. *1/2
– Meanwhile, Lita gives Trish the Kiss of Death. Maybe Trish made her a flat, lifeless Manhattan.
– Women’s title: Trish v. Lita. They tumble out of the ring right away and Trish chokes her out back in the ring and throws a chop. Lita comes back with a kick to the noseguard, and then counters the Matrix move by falling on her for two. Legsweep gets two for Lita. Lita dumps Trish and follows with a suicide dive that brings new meaning to the word by almost killing her. You never like to see someone fold in half that way. That’s just WRONG. So of course we get seven replays of it. Trish gets serious and hits her with the noseguard to take over. She slugs away and chokes her in the corner, but Lita comes back with the SLEEPER OF DEATH. Trish quickly fights out and goes to a full-nelson, but Lita fights out. Trish goes up and gets brought down with a top rope superplex, and it’s a double KO. Lita rolls over first and gets two. Trish gets the high kick for two. Trish slugs away in the corner, but Lita powerbombs her out of there and goes up for the Litasault, which results in Trish catching her, and Lita countering with a rollup for two. Lita tries a DDT, but Trish counters with a rollup for two. What is this, a wrestling match? Trish tries the bulldog, but Lita reverses to the Twist of Fate and finishes with the Litasault for the pin and title at 7:12. Best women’s match since Trish v. Victoria in 2003. Too bad they fired the entire division and Lita has no one to defend against now. ***1/4 Still, nice to see something different in the main event slot.
The Inside Pulse:
Pretty much a filler show, storyline-wise, as nothing was really advanced except for Lita winning the belt. Nothing too bad this week, but nothing I remembered 5 minutes later either. But then I am heavily medicated tonight, so that might have something to do with it.