The Smackdown Short Form, 12.16.04

Oh, Jesus H. Fucking Christ…here’s the deal: the battery for the Damn Vaninator is being recharged as I’m typing this (I have GOT to get that damn thing fixed so that the battery doesn’t run down). So, since I want it to get charged up, the Damn Vaninator’s down, and there’s jack shit within walking distance of this place food-wise. So I do what anyone else in this position would do: call Domino’s for a delivery order. I finally get them on the phone, and the f*cker answering it has the thickest goddamn Hindi accent I’ve ever heard, and that’s really saying something considering that I lived near a Hindu neighborhood in Chicago for five years. It took me five f*cking minutes to relay my order, and that was complicated by the fact that my phone number was in their goddamn computerized directory, but it was the previous holder of that number, who lives across town from me. I had to tell him my address three goddamn times before he was convinced that I was living in the apartment I’m in now. And I still fear that my pizza will never get here. So I’m hungry, I have a massive headache from this shit, and I’m still wondering why Domino’s is listed in one phone directory and not the other local one. On top of that, I have to do Smackdown, which gives me enough symptoms as it is. Well, let me just struggle through this…

…but not before this news item. From CNN:

The Bush administration formally canceled Iraq’s $4.1 billion debt to the United States on Friday and urged others to do the same to help the country rebuild.

Well, how f*cking sweet. Just add that on to the hundreds of billions we’ve already spent on this complete waste of money and lives. Fuck the Junta.

And in case you’re wondering, the pizza got here just as Smackdown was ending, but they burnt the crust a little. Fucking Domino’s.

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Rey-Rey and Toke-Toke over Billy Kidman and Akio, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, Van Dam pins Kidman, Five-Star Frog Splash): And they got rid of Jamie Noble for what reason? And they turned and pushed Kidman for what reason? I guess there are some things that man is not supposed to know. At least f*cking Van Dam isn’t selling the Five-Star like he just killed himself anymore. Huzzah for small gifts in smaller packages.

Kidman blows the clothesline

Eddy Guerrero and Booker T over Rene Dupree and Kenzo Suzuki (Pinfall, Guerrero pins Suzuki, frog splash): Boring and seemingly interminable. And how creative of it to have the first two matches being tag contests both decided by frog splashes. Talk about mailing it in. And I fear for the heels here. From champions to JTTSes in one week. That must be a record. Or maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. As I said in the Round Table, Hiroko’s getting more of a push than they are.

Eddy just beats the crap out of Suzuki

John Cena over Jesus, Street Fight From Armageddon Repeat (Pinfall, F-U): Just read anyone’s recap of Armageddon to see how this lead balloon went over. As for me, I haven’t watched it yet (despite saying that I’d do so in order to present this episode of Smackdown in the correct context), and I’m tempted to wipe it from my HD after reading those recaps, especially Scooter’s. I have more productive uses of my time than to see that. Masturbating comes to mind.

Jesus gets an excuse for being out with an injury. Kayfabe, baby!

Cena turns the noogie into an artform

Kurt Angle over High-Quality Speaker Boy, WWE Title Match (DQ, Jordan-ference): We all know Kurt Angle’s ability to carry sacks of crap to good matches. But when you’re dealing with the Augean Stables, even Kurt’s vaunted powers aren’t enough. Four AngleLocks? That’s a sure sign of trying-too-hard-to-polish-a-turd booking.

Diva Search Loser Catfight!

Hell, I might as well do another cap of it. It’s got to be better than the match.

Merry Fucking Christmas, deves

High-Quality Speaker Boy is such a spoilsport

Wait a second, this isn’t the catfight…

The repeated motif for this match: the AngleLock

Angle Developments:

A Confession: I’m actually starting to get off on High-Quality Speaker Boy’s promos. If there was an award for “Most Improved On The Mic” in 2004, I’d have to give it to him. He cuts engaging, witty, and lie-filled promos appropriate for a heel (witness his remarks about the Senile Old Fuck and Kofi Annan in his opener). He can handle himself on the mic against Kurt Angle, who’s still golden. He may not get it done in the ring, but if he’s considering retirement, he’d make a great replacement for Lawler on Raw. Hopefully, both the retirement and replacement will happen soon. But one more bit of advice: Amy Weber should know that a short skirt and a tiara just don’t work together.

Bradshaw in excelsus

Speaking Of Fashion Faux Pas: What the hell is that color? Olive? Dark tan? Whatever it is, Tazz and Cole should not, repeat NOT, be wearing it. Especially at the same time. And Cole’s wearing a wedding ring. So who’s the lucky guy?

You want a definition of “fugly”? You got it.

Just A Bit Of Advice, John…: 20 mg Lexapro UID, 2 mg Risperdal UID, 400 mg Lamictal BID. More than my doses, but you’re worse off.

Heidenreich reading poetry and not taking his proper medication

Taboos Are Broken: A generation ago in Nashville, Eddy Guerrero and Booker T would have been hung from a lamppost for throwing sexual innuendo at a hot blonde. These days, it’s perfectly cool. That, friends, is progress.

One black, one brown, one blonde

That’s it for this one. Next week, I won’t be doing jack shit (in fact, I’ll have to do my Wednesday column on Tuesday afternoon) both because I’m not going to endorse that cynical abortion of a show that they’re doing, but also because I’ll be in Chicago having to endure being with my mother for a few days. So, until next Tuesday, turn the heat up.