Welcome to the 3rd Edition of the Monday Night Rabble with your host, me. Joining us tonight is Erik H., Jenna, Eric G., and as always Danielle. Bill has gone back to college, and Laura has joined him for a couple of weeks. For more information on Bill and Laura, go check out my DINER TALK with Bill about his school, the Savannah College of Artistic Design. Jimmy is on vacation in Texas, so we have a small crowd tonight.
Before we begin the show, there are two things to cover. First is this week’s “REAL” photo of all of my friends enjoying wrestling together:
Second off is a little thing that I told you about last week:
THE FORUM RABBLE
A few months ago, Chaos, one of the IP/CN forum mods decided to have a poetry contest. The winner was promised some babble space on mine and Grutman’s wrestling columns (ironically, this was before I even HAD a wrestling column. So without further adieu, I give to you a candid interview with IP Forum’s own, Hardygrrl!
How long have you been writing poetry?
HARDYGRRL:Since I was a angst ridden teenager. Thank god it’s improved since then.
The poetry, or the angst?
HARDYGRRL:Both. I haven’t written any poetry for years. I’ve done columns and opinion pieces but no poems until the contest.
The piece is entitled “You Understand My Silences” care to explain the poem itself for my 10 readers?
HARDYGRRL:It was about how close I felt to someone at that time. How I felt that we were able to read each other’s minds to the point of translating sighs. And apparently, I was wrong. Oh well. C’est la vie.
Did that someone read the poem?
HARDYGRRL:Yes. It wasn’t the first thing that was written for him – just the first publically shared piece.
How long did it take you to decide to use that piece instead of any of the others?
HARDYGRRL:Not that long. The other pieces were either prose or edging into erotica. I didn’t think it was prudent to post about that.
There was not one bit of smut in that contest.. I think me and Chaos are going to have to raise the bar next time… Who are your poetic/writing influences?
HARDYGRRL:Good question because I do find myself unconsciously aping my favorite writers. I’ll just list a few: For prose, Martin Amis, Thomas Wolfe, Christopher Moore and Neil Gaiman. Poetry would be TS Eliot, Maya Angelou and oddly enough, I love classic Greek and Roman writers.
You read too much. So, you’ve been featured on the forums, and had a full column with Grutman – is the fame starting to get to your head?
HARDYGRRL:A) A love of reading is the sign of a good writer and B) it’s a teeny amount of Internet fame. IWC fame at that. I’m not even at the Star Wars kid level.
Fine fine, and since people are “reading” this, I shouldn’t knock them too hard.. and we all aspire for Star Wars Kid fame without having to debase ourselves to the point of seclusion.
HARDYGRRL:How To Be Famous On The Internet Without Being An Asshole and/or Yutz. Slim book.
The answer is to enter contests and sneak onto Inside Pulse columns of course! Chaos has already said he’s going to do another contest soon, you in?
HARDYGRRL:Sure. I can branch out a little. Poems about other topics. Whoo hoo!
Can I get a quick Haiku about Raw?
HARDYGRRL:What’s the rhyme scheme for those again?
5/7/5
HARDYGRRL:
Pushing Orton Hard
Batista becomes face at last?
Eugene likes Candy
And boy, that could suck less
I like that you can just fit any two syllable in at the end, so Eugene could like just about anything…. Prediction for the Elimination Chamber / Royal Rumble?
HARDYGRRL:That’s a shoutout to a friend. I think they planned well having Batista be the last man into the EC since his cardio is not that good – he won’t get blown up. I still think HHH will win it just to set up Dave’s turn. Orton wins the Rumble, faces HHH at Mania and Dave is the one to help Orton win, fully cementing his face status.
So, you have cemented yourself in Inside Pulse history, any words for any reader who aspires to your greatness?
HARDYGRRL:Just be yourself and write about what you know.
Congrats Hardygrrl, you too should check out the IP forums… but not now.. now you should hear what happens this night as Raw unfolds:
We start the show with a nice package summarizing what happened last week. I don’t have to recap it, I already did. You can go find it HERE. Geez, I’m pimping all over the place this week. Fine fine fine, quick summary – Batista enters the Chamber last and Shawn is our Special Ref.
After all of that and a loud earsquealing beep, Bischoff is on the screen setting the stage for tonight. Batista is facing Benoit. Edge is facing Jericho. Finally, Trips will be facing Randy Orton. Standard pre-PPV stuff. And without further adieu we go to…
BATISTA vs. BENOIT
Lock up to begin and knees to Benoit’s stomach, tosses him against the ropes, grabs Batista and tries to hit the crossface to no avail. Benoit chops him down, but Batista grabs him and sends him knee to the back. Benoit recovers quickly and sends Batista in with the trifecta of suplexes and Benoit makes the motion for the headbutt, but Batista bails outside.
A couple of shots to Benoit and Batista brings him back in. Batista starts beating the hell out of Benoit and catches him in a standing fisherman’s suplex. Benoit tries some MORE chops, sending a spray of sweat to the air, ewwwwww, but again nothing. Dave catches Chris in a big Batista spinebuster, but only gets two.
Some more exchanges back and forth go on, until finally Benoit gets ahead of the game. Batista gets caught into the crossface, but slowly Batista stands out of it and drops Benoit onto the turnbuckle, which is… suspiciously removed. Batistabomb and he wins it. Clean pin over Benoit, and there is your uber-Dave push.
“If this was Raw vs. Smackdown, Batista would have so many dirty points?” – Erik on video games.
We come back to have Ric Flair ranting like a maniac.. I have no idea what he just said. He seriously is becoming coming incomprehensible in his old age. Batista comes in and Ric starts licking Batista’s nipples and praising him. Batista’s back here for business. Last week he made a bet with Trips that he would beat his guy faster, and he’s here to collect.
We flash to one of the Raw Gash Girls, this one we shall name Tickles O’Sweetass and she’s interviewing Snitsky. How does Snitsky feel about Kane returning? Surprised. He then smells her hair and Baby Huey has a surprise for Kane later tonight. But it is indeed, “not his fault”.
“The secret is he’s wearing Lita’s underwear” Jamie on Snitsky’s surprise.
In our 3rd interview segment, we head back to Edge arguing with Bischoff about HBK – completely useless interview.
We come back toooooo
EDGE vs. JERICHO
Edge has taken up the Austin mantle of flipping off the audience, next week let’s see if he goes and randomly beats up a blonde. Ahhh, Austin woman beating jokes are always good.
The bell rings and Jericho drops him down and wraps him up with a bow and arrow. They both get up and Edge takes over with shots in the corner. Jericho gets his licks in with some HUGE chops. Edge returns (ping ponging a bit here) until Jericho taunts Edge at the ropes, then as Edge charges, gets tossed over the top and Jericho misses a baseball slide. Double clothesline and we are set-up for a perfect commercial spot…
Commercial break. (SHOCKER!)
We come back to have Edge tying up Jericho in some odd little hold spot. He fights his way out and Edge pushes him into another hold spot. Finally Jericho tosses him in the ropes and two shoulder blocks and a lionsault to his feet, catches Edge with a rana (whichever kind it is). Jericho gets kicked out of the Walls, they fight their way to the top turnbuckle, Edge gets slammed down face first, but then misses his leap off the top turnbuckle. Edge starts priming up the spear, but Jericho leapfrogs it. He leaps up onto Edge for a victory roll, but Edge drops instead of rolling and grabs the rope for the win.
“That bothers me, Jericho totally owned that match!” Dani on why I love her.
Coach interviews Randy Orton, fluff fluff fluff fluff… he’ll beat him with an R..V..I mean R…K…O…
“He’ll beat him with a K… K… K…” Erik on Orton’s Cowboy roots.
“He’ll beat him with an UpUpDownDownLeftRightLeftRightB.A.Start.. 30 TIMES!” Me on Randy Orton using the Konami Code.
Tonight is the first time Raw is playing live in the UK.. everybody say hi to Iain Burnside. Anyway, La Resistance is in the ring, and here comes Shelton Benjamin. Maven comes out, distracts Shelton Benjamin and one of the French guys starts the match. By the time we figure out it’s Sylvan Granier, he’s got Benjamin in a full nelson that Benjamin hiptosses his way out of quite sweetly. Flying forearm, back bodydrop and SheltonSplash. Grenier shoulders Benjamin down as he falls down himself – fails at a kickup and goes to apologize to his partner while Benjamin kicks up. The spinning heel kick drops down with a win for Benjamin, but the ref doesn’t count it… looks like Sylvan might of had the wind knocked out of him, which is great since Benjamin T-Bones him for the REAL win.
We get that old footage of how the Chamber was created.
“I looked away and for a minute I was confused as to why someone was attacking Shelton with a blowtorch” Eric G on being distracted.
We come back to the debate between Lawler & Ross vs. the two Arab guys who’s names elude me. I’m not reviewing this. A USA chant – a WHAT chant – and Vince continues to pander off to the LCD. I’ll let you know when he hits someone.
“If I was to go down to Times Square on New Years Eve, I’d be–” – Mohammed
“…tazered” – Erik H.
“…kissed” – Me
“…hung on the ball and dropped” – Eric G
“I’m am as American as you” Mohammed to J.R.
“..but..but I gotta hat…” Me as J.R.
“You might be interested to know there is a bomb in your podium, JR” Erik H on tact.
Ahh and there we go, the Arab guys have blindsided Lawler and JR… choking the life of JR with a belt. Lawler is outside, bloody, but he takes off his belt. Crazy belt whipping action occurs, but the bad guys have truly won this debate. And we all know who the bad guy in this one is… Vince McMahon.
Commercial Break
We come back with Coach in the announcer position to show us the footage of that fifteen minutes of my life that I’ll never get back. But now onto better things, here comes Trish! Trish looks completely serious – completely focused – 100% hot… and her opponent, the only other face female. Victoria!
TRISH vs. VICTORIA
“Hey, she looks like a flygirl!” Jenna on Victoria’s new odd leather jacket and ballcap combo.
Match starts with Trish just kicking the hell out of Victoria in the corner. Hiptosses Victoria with a full 360, by the hair. Pin gets two. Trish picks up Victoria by the hair and forces her into the corner where she continues to lift her up. She chokes her against the ropes. She chokes her all over the place. Finally Victoria gets back a little bit and slams Trish down. She goes for the Wiggly Moonsault and Trish gets the knees up. Trish with a high roundhouse knocks Victoria silly for the pin.
Trish grabs the mic and taunts Lita, and here comes Lita. She taunts Trish with the belt and Lita slaps Trish. Trish slaps Lita. Slap slap slap and Lita tosses Trish into the corner, punches, chokes and Lita flips Trish down and.. FLAMES!!! Lita stops for a moment, but then goes back to beating on Trish. And out of nowhere Snitsky attacks Lita and sets her up to Pillmanizer with the chair. But with no pyro left, Kane’s music comes in and… where is he? Wait for it…
…dramatic pause… THERE’S KANE! Kane runs Snitsky out of the arena and goes back into the ring with Lita. There is an uncomfortable moment with them milling about the ring unnecessarily and we go to commercial without giving us a hand raise, a hug, a kiss, or anything.
When we return we get another package about the Elimination Chamber which makes it look pretty vicious since it’s all bloody people, including a 2 second cameo by Goldberg. Also, just announced Jerry Lawler vs. Mohammed at Revolution. Wheeeee…. also Eugene & Regal vs. Christian & Tomko for the tag titles.
What starts as a photoshoot with Christie, pointless but hot – turns into Eugene singing Lindsay Lohan songs. Which turns into an exceptionally funny bit with Regal singing Lindsay Lohan. From unnecessary to hysterical in 2.5 seconds.
Back from the commercial Eugene is coming down for a match versus Captain Charisma.
EUGENE vs. CHRISTIAN
Shoulder block starts from Eugene, but hits with a bodyslam. Christian lands on his stomach and Eugene goes for the Kamala flop. He picks up Christian and slams Christian’s head to the turnbuckle. Eugene climbs up to the top of the turnbuckle, Christian catches him though, and tosses him to the mat. Capt. throws Eugene out of the ring and feigns going after Regal.
Eugene hits a rock bottom. They get to their feet and Eugene grabs the airplane spin. Eugene reverses the Unprettier. Tomko chahrges in and Regal makes the save, but they fight on the outsideas Christian goes for the cheating pin, and Eugene reverses it. Eugene goes for the sunset flip, but Christian drops it down for another cheating pin and the win.
Backstage, Batista ribs Triple H some more and the slow burn on the Dave spin.
Coming back and JR is back in the announcing position since Coach just can’t hold it on his own. Here comes Trips with Ric, but no Dave. 3,000 hours later, here comes Orton with the most amazing pyro set-up. He seriously just looks like he’s walking through a field of light.
TRIPLE H vs. RANDY ORTON
There’s a long staredown, lock up and Orton sends Trips down to the ropes, a criss cross and Orton comes up on top. He gets a big shoulder block and a short arm clothesline sends HHH down hard. Trips gets in the cheap shot and the momentum shifts as Trips fights Randy to the corner where Orton starts fighting back. Backbody drop and a failed RKO, Trips heads outside and we go to commercial.
Coming back and Orton is nailing Trips for the big 10 fists in the turnbuckle. He throws Hunter out of the ring and is in pursuit. Randy bounces Trips’ head against the ring and throws him back in, only to get taunted by Ric. He climbs up the ring apron and gets a throat full of rope in repsponses. Orton then gets thrown from the ring to the barrier, and it looks like he got flicked in the nuts the way he’s holding himself. That hurts.
Trips comes back outside and drops Orton onto his solar plexus.
“Jamie, what a big word” Erik H on my vocabulary.
Hunter brings Orton back into the ring and the beatings begin. Tosses him shoulder first into the corner turnbuckle. All the resistance from Orton gets smacked down, and he’s selling that injury like an sob. He throws Orton outside the ring, and whene he tries to follow out, he gets thrown into the stairs in response. When they finally both get into the ring, they start exchanging fists one more time, but Orton comes out on top. Big kick and powerslam only gets him two. Bodyslam. Flying crossbody from the top turnbuckle gets two. RKO gets reveresed into a sleeper. Sleeper from HHH gets reversed into a sleeper from Orton. Triple H pulls Orton into the ref and they are both knocked out.
Flair comes in with the bell, hands it to Trips. HHH goes for it and getes a kick to the gut in response. Batista comes in and big clotheslines Orton. Benoit comes in and gets Batista out of the ring. Shawn charges in to take control. Edge appears in the corner to come after Michaels, but Jericho stops him. Finally everyone is outside the ring and Trips has noticed Shawn in the ring. They exchange words, and Orton spins him around for the RKO – denied. Pedigree setup – denied. Backbridge pin from Orton – denied. Finally an RKO hits it and that’s it.. clean pin from Orton to Trips 1..2..3…
What does this mean? I have no idea, it ended with an Elimination Chambere clusterf***, but there was a win from the goodguy.. .this does not bode well for anybody on Sunday.
FINAL VERDICT
“Why did they have those guys fight each other if they’re all fighting this weekend?” Dani on WWE & logic.
Pre-PPV shows have a tendency to suck. This one didn’t suck horribly, as Jericho’s match was solid and the main event was a solid lead-in to the PPV. I am actually looking forward to most of the card, which is a shock given that this PPV is Vince continuing to needle us for 2 PPV’s a month. If he keeps giving us solid shows like this Sunday’s, he might be onto something. Raw hasn’t sucked as hard these past few weeks… maybe it’s because I’m reviewing it now, you can blame me.
Until next Monday, I hope you guys enjoyed this week’s MNR… I’m now going to watch Spike’s new show – The World’s Most Amazing People Exploding. Happy New Year everybody!
